Why can't God and I just have lunch?

17-Jan-2000 I found out Jan. 2 I'm pregnant and was shocked. I moved into Gladney where I've decided to live. I pray for self-forgiveness for what I'm about to do. I moved in today having made the agonizing decision to give you up for adoption. I picked up my four-year medallion the other day at my AA meeting. My sister decided not to raise you after I asked her initially. My friend Jan and my boss think I should raise you. My friend Sheryl says all this will bring me closer to God. Why can't God and I just have lunch? 18-Jan-2000 I had dorm orientation tonight. Andrea in Admissions gave me a sweet card. I got to talk to the doctor. Tomorrow I meet the Transitional Care staff person and move my furniture to storage. I found out they give you 48 hours after birth to change your mind. I wish they didn't because I'm afraid I will. I crave bread a lot. 19-Jan-2000 My furniture got moved. I got to have a counseling session. Tomorrow I see the doctor for the first time. We got two new girls in. One looks like a model. I thought about writing my dad. I wonder what he'd say about you. 20-Jan-2000 I gained 40 pounds. Now I'm 186 pounds. I saw the doctor today. I'm due Aug. 2. I had a good day at work and did a couple of photo shoots. I haven't gotten the nerve to read "What To Expect When You're Expecting." The doctor said I could take one of my medications while pregnant. I found out I'm about 12 weeks along. 22-Jan-2000 Your birth father has been sweet all day. He says pregnant women are sexy. I don't get it. I'm huge. I saw a kid celebrate a birthday last night and thought "I won't be there for that." I couldn't look at a baby commercial. One of the girls, age 15, had her baby. Another came back after having a C-section. We had three births this week. 23-Jan-2000 My suitemate and I had a good talk. She's in Narcotics Anonymous and lives in Louisiana. The father of her baby also lives there but they can't locate him right now. Tomorrow I see the doctor. I slept too much today. A friend of mine's going to take care of my dog. I'm worried about labor. 24-Jan-2000 I went to the doctor and tomorrow I meet with the insurance lady. I looked at profiles of transitional care parents and saw a 15-year-old have a nursery visit with her baby for the first time. I can't imagine being that young and having this decision before me. It's hard enough at 33. 25-Jan-2000 We had a dorm meeting tonight. I felt out of place. I'm the oldest one here. My suite mate and I are the only "old" ones here. She's 28. Your birth father, Jon, made me dinner. I met with the insurance lady. My boss is being nice. She and a co-worker offered to give me baby clothes. I came up with a bunch of baby names; more girls' names than boys.' 31-Jan-2000 I heard your heartbeat for the first time today! I got examined and got my prenatal vitamins. At first the doctor couldn't find your heartbeat and it scared me. I've gotten to be good friends with another girl here. A 16-year-old changed her mind. I dreamed I met a woman with 11 kids. Next month I'll find out your sex. Hearing your heartbeat made it seem real, really real. One resident said she might let her aunt adopt her baby. Another girl's due Friday. The 16-year-old came back after delivery and was walking funny because of soreness. It made me wince.