Lessons in Motherhood Part 2

So today was Squeak's needs assesment at my agency. Very loving folks look at Squeak every 3 months and assess her development. Ok...as an emotional artistic mommie...I think this assessment is less about Squeak and more about Mommie and the wonders she can do for a drug exposed baby. I must say, I never think of Squeak as drug exposed. I think of her as beautiful, I think of her as loving, fun, happy, strong minded, funny, cute, sweet, emotional and biracial and always as my daughter. But NEVER as drug exposed, which always slaps a label of "imperfect" and "needs improvement" on a kid. So ok....crack mom gives birth to a baby....a loving mom (no let me correct that, cause crack mom IS a loving mom, just in a different way) non drug addict mom raises baby. She slings, sings, walks, plays, dances, talks, reads etc...and kiddo becomes a normal everyday child....until someone wants to label her as a drug baby. So welcome to NEEDS ASSESMENT DAY. Armed and ready with their sterilized toys and years of pedigree learning under their belt the needs assesment team sits down to analyze my kid. Ok...I've got to interject here :-) I just love this kid...LOVE HER! So to do the needs assesment they turn the child away from their mom, to see what they will do without Mom's help. Well my kiddo is so funny, she kept turning around during the test, NOT TO LOOK AT ME :-) but to smile at the clipboard hugging crowd behind her that were doing the silent assesment. She would coo and giggle at them and make them laugh, frustrating the woman who (ok...this might get me in trouble....oh please don't get me in trouble....Looked like a 50 year old virgin :-I ) So I'm not so sure how well Squeak did on her test. She wouldn't roll over, even though SHE KNOWS ROLL OVER...oh my GOD....she knows roll over!!!!!! Trust.....She knows it. Poor little thing power rolled herself off the bed (don't panic, we sleep on a platform bed with on the floor....the fall is less than a foot) it scared her more than anything. But kiddo knows roll over. Only she just smiled and DID look at me this time....and WOULD NOT ROLL OVER! Assessor askes me..."Does she really roll over??????? Yeeeesh YES!!!!! Ok, so they make her pick up a pea....I think she passed that part, after some proding. They make her pick up a cup and I think they want her to pick up the red thing under it. She picks up the cup and tosses the red thing on the floor. Then the grumbles start...What????? Aren't 6 month olds supposed to toss things on the floor???? And then they talk for about 5 minutes about the color of the red cube she tossed on the floor and why is it red, apparently saturation vs. wavelength is more interesting for children. Ok....NOT SQUEAK!!!! It's a boring freaking red cube, it doesn't sing talk or interact....where does it belong???? On the floor....good Squeak. She then looks to the crowd for applause she even starts to squeal...in true Squeak fashion, which makes them stop talking and talk to her....um....mission accomplished in my book....Squeak just wants you to pay attention to her....F*ck the red cube...she got you to stop talking and talk to her....bravo kiddo. And mommie did not even say one word to help her. She did it all alone. One of my favorite parts of the assesment was when we were discussing ROLL OVER, ok....at the dr.'s appointment, she was supposed to sit up without assistance, she lumped over and fell....um, not what I was hoping for, so we have been practicing SIT UP. So as they were telling me how important it was for her to roll over (WHICH SHE DOES...F'edy F...F...F!) (PS) I swear I don't swear in front of my kid....I'm a writer...a REAL writer for hollywood...and I LOVE swear words...but I don't say them in front of my kiddo. And if she wants to swear....I will let her do it in the bathroom, where swear words belong...I won't tell her that they also belong in million dollor movies....till later :-) So as they are telling me how deficiant my kiddo's roll over skills are GRRRR, she is sitting perfectly still BY HERSELF.....UPRIGHT listening....ok folks.....she has just mastered SIT UP in front of your eyes....anyone want to acknowledge??????? So then comes the lecture....let me tell you how fun this is....WEIGHT...ok. Back story. Squeak was super skrawny when I brought her home from the hospital. And apart from big cheecks, she has been pretty little ALWAYS...but this last week, she sort of ballooned up. I have started feeding her solids, which I think is part of it, BUT she is also REALLY HUNGRY. This happened once before when she was two months. She puffed up a bit then grew TWO INCHES...that's huge. So I feel (mother's intuition) that she is A) about to crawl and B) about to grow. But right now she is in the 25th percentile for height and the 75th percentile for weight....same as she was when she was two months and grew two inches and looked like a little twig when she was done. But some article just came out about obese children and how they will become obese adults....ok...PLEASE PEOPLE....lay off!!!!!! Kiddo has been skinny for the last 5 months, last week she packs on a few pounds....BUT SHE IS NOT OBEESE, she is 6 months and 16 pounds...yes heavier than 15 pounds, which is the norm, but by ONE POUND and her bmom was 6 foot....God knows how big bf was...really....give the kid a break. When she fusses I try everything before I give her a bottle and when I finally give her a bottle she is ravenous....like I never feed her...kiddo is HUNGRY....why???? Kiddo is growing.....hello!!!!! So I sit and listen to a lecture about obeese kids. Ok...first of all, my whole family has been obese, my sister had gastric bypass, my mom lost 60 pounds and has 40 more to go, I'm normal size but I WAS bulimic for 17 years...ok...last thing I want to do to this kid is pass on our eating problems. I feed her orgainic healthy food, I feed her formula only when she wants it....and REALLY....she is about to grow again!!!! SO WHY LECTURE ME????WHY???? She is not big. In fact one of the clipboard huggers finally said....she's not that big...in fact she's quite balanced looking and very pretty! Thank you lady....let's move on. TO???? Head circumference...."well her head looks big"....could be water on the brain...blood on the brain....etc...F#CK I just dealt with this with our doctor....Ok....I hand in all of her med records and they make copies.....she looks "Ok to me" they say but check with your doctor next week. They hand me back these IMPORTANT papers...with all her med info and some other REALLY important stuff....ok, before I left my sw puts them in my folder. Kiddo is now OVER IT!!!!! It is past nap time, she has been poked and prodded enough and she wants to go home. Instead of wear her in her sling which this week she has grown out of GRRRR, I carry her in my arms....I want to hold her to my skin, I think she feels more secure that way...anyway, it makes it hard to carry anything else..so I get back the folder with MY STUFF...thinking, I should NEVER have all my adoption stuff in one folder. But I take it, hold my now crying Squeak...and lug my diaper bag to the car. I put the folder on top of my car....wrangle my crying kid into her carseat, put diaper bag into the car...locate my keys...which somehow is the most difficult part of the exit process and drive off....WITH THE FOLDER ON MY CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! I realize later that my folder is still on my car....I pull off and stop and find it splayed out over my roof...but remarkably still there. I continue to drive thinking THANK GOD....I didn't want to drive back to pick up all the VERY IMPROTANT PAPERS on the ground...like Squeak's ONLY COPY of her HOSPITAL RECORDS...or so I thought. Anyway I get home and check the folder....important papers....life saving...head circumfrence showing....IMPORTANT PAPERS....GONE!!!!!! So I turn around and drive back and for two hours look for the papers that are missing. I finally give up at dark and drive home. I called my social worker and find out that they have copies of all the papers THANK GOD!!!!! But the originals are gone and after the "fat kid" lecture....by the way my kid is NOT FAT...I felt like a total failure as a parent. I cried all the way home....thank you hormones...as I also have my period.....lovingly named HERMON. So I get home and finally get Squeak to bed...but I can't stop crying...I put her to bed crying...which I never have done....I never cry in front of her...cause I know she feels it...but I was at my wits end. I sang to her crying...I rubbed her head crying...GOD I COULD NOT STOP CRYING...I'm acutally crying now....But at a point when I was about to sing the last song...here is what my fat (she's not fat) drug exposed (she's not affected by it) Big headed (her head is fine) little kid did..... She reached out and and grabbed my hand and looked directly into my eyes and smiled....one of her big...whole face....smiles. I asked her in my weakened mommie state....WILL WE BE OK???? And I swear....I am always honest....and I swear in my heart of hearts....she said "uhum!" and nodded "Yes!" She would not let go of my finger. She actually fell asleep holding it. Here is the world telling me all the things that should be wrong with her...and when I needed someone to help me to comfort me and give me strength to face what she faces...it was her...she was the one to give me the strength to carry on. And I realized tonight we are a team....HMG is out with his parents camping and is not here with us tonight...my sister has been an amazing support in his absence, but at the end of the day only Squeak and I are immediate family now...and she rescued me. I won't expect her to do that in the future...I'm her mom, that's my job....but I thank her for tonight...cause there might be days when all of it is too much and we will need to face life together. But babydoll when you read this years from now... thank you for tonight...thank you for keeping me together... I owe you ...little one :-) PS...:-) HMG's first girl friend is a modeling agent....we ran into her...randomly this week, she met Squeak for the first time and started to cry...said she was one of the most beautiful children she has ever seen....and in a year or so would like to send her out as a model. I will probably do it to raise money for college, but as soon as she knows she's a model, I will probably ask her to stop...just like my mom did for me when I was little and was a child model...if Squeak wants to pursue it later as I did....I will support her 100% as my mom did. Good night.