An adopted kid unpacks thoughts about the gifts and challenges of adoption

A typical teenager wanting to be anywhere but here, I requested a set of luggage for Christmas. I adopted romantic images of myself traveling to places like Italy carrying a vintage distressed leather suitcase with an ornate antique skeleton key unlocking a fabulous travel wardrobe. The weeks of anticipation of what would greet me under the Christmas tree inspired a fury of research of all the places I would go.With the same eager anticipation of my younger siblings, I rushed to see what Santa had left for us and spotted the outline of an evergreen colored boxy shadow camouflaged and slightly illuminated by the twinkle of the multi-colored lights nestled in the tree branches. At closer examination, I found a soft-sided fabric suitcase with Velcro-type surface straps and a festive red bow attached to the plastic buckles. Technically, my wish was fulfilled. However, I couldn’t prevent the dissipation of the original vision of my travel adventures. I would like to think I was able to conceal the disappointment I had for this gift given to me so lovingly. Recently, I read with an interest a Women’s Health article titled, “4 Different Families Talk About the Gifts and Challenges of Adoption” that reminded me of this past Christmas gift. The article opened with the following paragraphs:Parenting is all-consuming, blissful, demanding, and rewarding. It has ups, it has downs, it has highs, and it certainly has lows. And for anyone who has the desire to parent and is lucky enough to experience parenthood firsthand, you know that nothing is quite like making your kids happy.This is especially true for parents who adopted. As you'll learn from the stories below, having the ability to change a child's life is not just an act of generosity—it's also one of the best gifts you can give yourself. As an adopted child, I often wonder why there are not more articles about the “Gifts and Challenges of Being Adopted” or including the perspective of adopted children and their feelings, experiences, and thoughts. Perhaps it is not the number of articles, but more about my own personal experience reading articles like this one.When I was about 12 years old, I can recall a memorable experience in a fellowship hall. Blocked by a cluster of church ladies, I managed to mumble a somewhat polite pardon for shoving my way through to get to the table of assorted pastries and apple juice.One of the ladies wearing a purple floral dress and white strappy sandals asked me, “Aren’t you Terry’s daughter?” My mother was the director of the church’s child care center. “Yes,” I replied and yet solely focused on the one remaining donut filled with strawberry jam resting on the silver tray, “I am.”“I just think it is incredible how your parents adopted you,” she said with her head tilted ever so slightly to the left. The degree of the angle of her head annoyed me greatly as I detected degrees of sympathy running through the muscles of her neck. My suspicion was confirmed in her next statement.“You must feel so very lucky to have been adopted by a loving family. I was fortunate to have children on my own, but if I had been unable to do so I definitely would have considered adoption,” she continued, oblivious to my cheeks turning the color of the jam contained within my desired donut. “You must wonder what your life might have been like if you had not been adopted and feel blessed to be an American.” The “must” part of her sentences must have pushed me over the edge as I aggressively nodded my head up and down, maybe grunted an audible response, and then pushed my way through to snatch the donut from its spot. I spun around and took exaggerated bites purposely permitting blobs of jelly to drop to the floor. When I reflect on my pre-adolescent response, it is the same twinge I get when reading articles about adoption as acts of generosity. And the reason is because, although not malicious, it makes me feel like that piece of luggage sitting under the Christmas tree. A present delivered and then forced to reckon with unmet expectations and expected gratitude. Technically, a husband and wife became parents via adoption, but it wasn’t how it was originally imagined - kind of unwanted, but accepted graciously. And the burden of accepting this noble and generous gesture falls to Anna the adoptee would at times generate feelings of resentment. It is not that I don’t believe there is an inherent heroic aspect of adoption, but it can (at least in my case) create this feeling of separation and difference rather than connection and belonging. Being an adopted child has ups, it has downs, it has highs, and it certainly has lows. In the end, both parent and child (adopted or biological) will have their lives altered in a myriad of ways. It is one of the most life-defining relationships you will have - and is one of the best gifts in life.