I have no idea what to expect

The adoption process in not easy. That is why I always say with adopted children they are the labor of your heart. In the time it took me to adopt my daughter I could have conceived and gave birth to another bio child, but she was so worth everything we went through. Adopting older children can be very challenging and a big commitment. I know in the past few days there have been some pretty scary post on this forum but don't throw in the towel just yet. There is an older child out there who needs you and will work out for your family but it may not be the first one you get. Often older chldren have sooo much pain that they are dealing with and they are often afraid to let anyone get close to them for fear that they will be rejected again. You must stick to your guns on what will work for your family. Don't let any SW give you a sob story that will cause you to make a decison that is not right for you or your family. Some will do this.And, if it's not working for you Jamie it is OK. You can try again. When my we were fostering we had 2 placments that did not work out. One lasted for 8 months before I said enough. It was a decison that I had to make for my family. My heart broke for this child because I could see all the good in him but had no idea how to help him. But you know, it all worked out. He has been adopted by a great family, he is now 15 and doing very well. Judilyn

Did you adopt a foster child? We are afraid to foster for fear of losing a child we love.

The first few years were hard, but my kids are such great boys. I really wish you could see the kids. Most of the negative bahaviors are based on trust problems. Those negative stories are hard to hear, but I think they're important as they hold valuable educational tools. It helps educate people on what questions to ask, what things to look for, and how to avoid these kinds of situations. Most older child adoptions are successful and they don't all create trauma to your household. I would suggest you read Adopting the Hurt Child by Gregg Keck and ? Kupecky(I think).

Yes Jamie, our adopted daughter was first a foster child. In fatc when she first came to live with us we were only it it for fostering and really did not ever consider adoption. But then we fell in love with her so when she became available for adoption we moved to make her part of our forever family. In Illinois when you are fostering with your goal being to adopt (foster/ adopt) then you will only have children placed with you who are available for adoption but you have to be sure that your agency office understands that you are only looking to adopt. That way you won't have children placed with you who are not available for adoption. If the children are not available for adoption then you run the risk of losing them because their goal will be to return home. Hope this makes sense. If there is anything else I can do let me know. And yes it is hard to lose a foster child that has been living with you for a while. Judilyn

That is really good advice. The more informed I am the more I feel like I can assert myself with the sw. She is all about placing kids, but I am all about completing our family.

I have adopted two wonderful older boys from the foster care system. My oldest son came to live with me the same month he turned 12 and my youngest son came to live with me when he was 11 1/2. Now they are 15 and 12 1/2. I was not a foster parent first because I knew I wanted to adopt so they were placed with me for adoption. My oldest son, I saw in a photolisting book of available children in our state and my youngest, I saw on an internet photolisting site. There are so many rewards and so much joy waiting for you. There will also be hard times as with any child. And yes, a lot of the kids available do have special needs. These special needs range from mild to severe. The ones that are younger or have fewer special needs will of course have more families interested in them. But you have to decide which special needs you can accept and what type child will work out best with your family. Before accepting a placement, ask any questions you can think of and find out all you can about the child so that you can make an informed decision. It is a lot easier to accept a behavior or situation if you at least know what to expect going into it. Of course with any child you can't prepare for everything. Please, don't throw in the towel yet because there are just so many great kids out there that need a loving family. But after finding out all you can about an available child, you have to decide if he or she seems to be a good fit for your family.

Please don't throw in the towel. I'm right in the big middle of adopting a foster child and the stress is almost unbearable at times. These forums are a great place to vent and just share with people you know understand. It's sort of natural to look for a place to vent frustration, get support but I believe that for each and every sad outcome there has to be 100 good outcomes that are never posted. Don't be scared away by what you read on these forums. There is a child out there who needs you to be brave for him. -L