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I recently was contacted by my bdaughter. Her Aparents had convinced the attorney to open the adoption and have her contact me at the age of 14. I was open to this, I am an adoptee and I know the feelings and things that she is or has been experiencing. We sent each other cards (through the attorney only) and then..........Nothing. All contact stopped.
On my bdaughters birthday she contacted me again.........this time she is 16. I was reluctant because I feel she should be older or what have you. I do not wish to have her get her thoughts and feelings distorted while a teenager.........life seems so "new" at that time. Anyway, this time both her and her Aparents wanted to e-mail me. The e-mail was instead of the regular mail that we had used in the past. I felt comfortable with it because her Amother would be also contacting me.
Then the e-mails started getting very revealing. My bdaughter told me she had been in the hospital twice this year and had tried to kill herself each time she had been admitted. She said she had a lot of problems. She also said she understood why she did because she knew about me. I asked her what she "knew". She never answered my question. Meanwhile her Amother was writing me e-mails also and asking me what could I tell her genetically about myself because my bdaughter has many "issues". I told her I was adopted also I have no information really about my bfamily. She kept on and on asking me what was wrong with my bdaughter and why she acted the way she did. I felt she was blaming me for whatever had gone on in her life. It saddened me.
I have experienced so much guilt for giving her up to adoption due to this reunion experience. I have not seen many positives from it, here my bdaughter has been trying to take her life....she is only 16. I shared whatever I could with them about myself. I want her to be all right.
I also want to be all right. I told them both that my life is fine, I am a healthy functioning adult and so is her bfather, (she had contacted him as well) and that blaming us for her problems was not going to help anyone. I asked her to get my bdaughter some help professionally through therapy. I had trusted them with this when I was 16....to care for and raise my bdaughter and love her as their own.........and all of the e-mails.....from the Amother (not my bdaughter) felt blaming and rather ungrateful and very insensitive. I told them I was always open to contact with my bdaughter but for everyone else to just back off. No one has responded to me again. I suppose I am all right with it. I have to be. My life has gone on these past 16 years and from being adopted I do understand a lot more than if I hadn't been. I am having a hard time though knowing that my bdaughter has a miserable life and has tried to take her life twice this year alone. I do not know how to handle that since I relinquished my rights to her. Does anyone have any advice or has anyone experienced the same sort of thing?
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Hi TeeBayBee ~
In my humble opinion, if your bdaughter stated that she thought (whether it's true or not) her problems stemmed from 'what she knew about you' ~ then it is important that you find out what it is that she THINKS 'she knows about you' ~ I would send her another email and tell her that you need to know what it is that she found out about you that caused her so much pain (or anger). Wow, I would be blown away by this. I don't feel it's right that they are trying to 'blame' you . . . it sounds like they are 'convinced' that it is probably a 'mental' problem that is heretitary :confused: I think I would have to find out though, just what is it that she could have heard that would cause her so much inner turmoil. I wouldn't make the email about anything else ~ just a direct question. If she doesn't answer ~ email again and ask if she received the last email and re-state the question. If she still doesn't answer you, then there's nothing more you can do. :(
Keep us posted. (((HUGS TO YOU))) Take care!
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Oh my goodness.....I am so sorry your bdaughter is going through so much pain right now!!!! I truly cannot begin to imagine what you are feeling when you hear what she is going through. I second the motion with Dragonfly about finding out just what she has been told about you. True or NOT True you deserve to know the truth!!! I hope everything can get worked out. Your bdaughter sounds as if she needs professional help. Suicide is final.....she is reaching for something or someone!!! My prayers will be with you, her bfather, HER, and her aparents. Maybe with everyone working together she can be helped!!! Blessings to ALL of you!!!!
:D S PEte
>I am having a hard time though knowing that my bdaughter has a miserable life and has tried to take her life twice this year alone.
I am so incredibly sorry this is happening.
How can we control any of this? That is what I keep thinking.
We make decisions and then learn that maybe the decision we made was the wrong decision.. But how do we know they are the wrong decision?
Sounds like the woman (amom) refuses to look at her part in the situation.. Tries to blame it on you for some reason..
Maybe your bdaughter is at a crisis time in her life and may pull out of it.. Could be a drug problem..I think we got to let our kids go when they are messing up.. We can be there for them but we have to put up boundaries.. Especially in the situation you are in..
Jackie
Maybe I can help you with this by sharing my experiences when I was around the same age. I am an adoptee, and in my teens went through some very difficult times, resulting in coming very close to taking my own life. At the time, I did not associate anything that I was going through with having been adopted, BUT I can say almost for certain that in the frame of mind I was, had I had that outlet i.e. contact with my birthmother or other adoption-related information, I most certainly would have looked at that as having been the cause. The reason for that is in my young mind, I couldn't find any answers for how I was feeling. I just knew or felt that how I was feeling was different from anyone else. So what made me different ? Adoption. Therefore it would have been a reason, the only reason that I could "see and touch" so to speak. I'm not saying that your daughter isn't affected by adoption, but I honestly believe that she probably doesn't know how to sort through whatever is going on in her head, and is very frustrated and needs an outlet.
As for her aparents, when I eventually ended up talking to them about how I felt, they looked first at themselves, and what they had done wrong for me to end up feeling so badly about myself. I know that was a painful journey for them, and it came to a point where it was too difficult to address, and their thinking switched to some "biological" reason. I think that is probably what is happening with your daughter's aparents.
It has been a long and arduous journey for my aparents and me to resolve many of the issues I had. And looking back on it (I'm now 34), I can see how I was in many ways cruel to everyone around me. Not intentionally really....I just didn't know what to do with myself.
I don't know if what I've said is helpful or not, but I would suggest trying to find out what she "found out about you". However, all you can do is lend as much support as is comfortable for YOU. Your daughter's aparents may indeed place the blame on you, but I really believe they are just trying to cope with the events of the last little while.
Hang in there. Hopefully there will be a light down the road.
I reunited with my birthdaughter in early May. She was 17 almost 18. I was so excited when the Agency called me and said that they had and emial for me from my birthdaughter. We began emailing and then talking on the phone. It was wonderful and then she came out for a visit. She has been chronically depressed for a couple of years, cutting herself and not doing to well emotionally. I also found out that she has been sexually abused, the first time when she was five years old. I have suffered from a lot of quilt and have had a very hard time dealing with this. My birthdaughter and I continue to have a wonderful relationship and I think reuniting with me has helped her with some of her depression. She does not blame me or have any anger toward me about the things that happened to her. Which amazes me. It is also very hard to watch her at this age (18) and see some of the decissions she is making. I am trying to be like a mentor to her and a friend and leave the parenting up to her parents which is very hard at times.
Noel
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Thank you for all of your words and support. I had no idea that this website was even out here. I am very grateful that it is and that I found it.......and that all of you have too. Well, I had found this site in May when all of the e-mails with my bdaughter started getting rather deep but I did not really "check out" what this was all about until yesterday........when I was driving myself crazy about my bdaughter and her well-being.
I must say that I never imagined that there were so many people that are adopted. For me......it was never talked about. As far as I knew I did not know any other adopted kids when I was growing up and my adoptive family never really talked about it. Being adopted has always been a hard topic for me to discuss with anyone.......including myself.
Once my bdaughter made contact with me it encouraged me to find my bmom. As it turned out she had passed already, May of 2001 from emphezyma. She was 52. I was crushed. I did however speak with her mother........she was still alive and had the same address and phone number still since I had been born in '69. She wants nothing to do with me. She said she would send photos and blah, blah, blah and I never heard from her again and when I tried to call just to see if it had been something she had forgotten to do (due to her age)
........she had changed her number. Very invalidating. Two reunions that went horrible...........in my eyes at least. Well, I guess the one with my bdaughter has not been horrible it is just that I feel so helpless about the entire thing.... I would never let her down again in life........to me that has been what adoption is......letting the other person down...........
All of it hurts. I have to try to not take it personally. That is so hard to do.
I am just glad that I found this website and finally started to utilize it.........for it helps to see that I am not alone. There are many people out here just like me that feel the same way that I do and that has been a comfort. There are so many people out there that have been adopted with lots of healthy, good advice and feelings and thoughts to share of experiences bitter and sweet.......... I had just always thought that I was alone.
Thank you for your responses............ it really means the world to me.
I feel for you having to address this problem. Maybe I can help or at the very least, give you extra thoughts. I'm an adoptee and have been searching for 20 years now. I am alone in this search as my A.Family is horribly opposed to searching. (I do have an A.Sister, she only wants to find her own way and very jealous of what I find). I haven't spoken to my A.Mother about adoption in over 6 years. I feel that my A.Mother is very jealous of what might be out there. I was the total black sheep of the family. They were argumentative and forceful and I was not.
My A.Mother and I never bonded. Ever. She is still my Mother, but in a guarded and sterile way. I had many of the same feelings growing up as your Daughter. I always thought I was different and thought differently from anyone I knew. I know now at the age of 38 that I am a good and decent person. Many times my A.Mother would incinuate that I was a "bad seed". That I shouldn't want to search as "She" was a horrible person. Believe me, when there is a problem, the B.Mother will be the first finger pointed at.
Please don't cause yourself pain over this, your Daughter needs to mature and grow. A lot of what she's going thru is adolesent angst. Find out what you can and keep yourself from being hidden in the future. Your Daughter may just need time to grow and separate from A.Mothers strings.
Thank you Nelliebell. I hope all goes well for you on your search.
I am sure that all the negativity from your Amother has been hard to overcome. Words hurt and hearing them as kids especially can predetermine how we preceive ourselves. I am so glad that you see things differently now. You are so far from being a bad seed.
I still have not heard anything from any of my daughters afamily or her. It is hurtful and acceptance is my only answer right now. I will remain here for all of them. I did email the amother and told her I want to be a friend to her and her husband because I know that having an emotional teen must be scary and difficult for them plus the fact that it is my daughter who is emotionally struggling. Suicide is serious. I want the best for her and I want to get her the help she needs but I am nobody in the scheme of things and only they can get her help. The amother did not respond but that is all I can do besides going there physically and right now there may be some sort of legalities that I could be faced with. I am not sure about that one just yet. I mean it was a closed adoption but the adoptive family are the ones who opened it. I just do not need any legal troubles and I am not even certain that it would help my daughter feel any better or understand anything better.
Again, thank you for all of your support and god bless you and your search!!
I would of felt very uncomfortable with her contacting you when she is so young. It sounds as if she is just wanting someone to blame for her problems and its just easier for her to point the finger at you and bfather. Maybe as she matures her out look on life will change for the better.I have a sister that was given up for adoption and I didn't start searching for her until she was 18 out of respect for her and her adoptive parents. I found her a little over two years ago. I thought everything was going pretty good. But she was only happy if she got what she wanted. There was no meeting in the middle with her and my Mom her bmom. So now she doesn't talk to any of us any more.I hope things work out better for you than it did for us.
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