very disappointed in my unexpected "prejudice"

Quite frankly, I agree with the rest in saying that this is normal. However, I usually go 'one step further' when I see a multi-racial family. Especially when the momma is CC and the kids are or a different race, I will often go up and ask, "How old is your little one?" Usually, the reply is an age, and followed by, "And how old is YOUR little one?' I've truly met some nice people this way..... Of course, we live in a rural area, and do our shopping in a college town nearby. My oldest two are grown now. Our oldest was born in Korea, next oldest born in Japan. I enjoyed questions from people....and most of the time, the questions were honest and sincere ones. When I felt they weren't, I handled them accordingly. It's just part of the territory when you adopt transracially... :) Sincerely, Linny

i don't mind the questions, its the rude comments i can't stand. i actually love to talk about my son and how we became a family, it just struck me that i have such a curiosity about this family even though it is a similar family to mine. of note, since i posted this, i decided i would strike up a conversation with this dad and of course, i have not seen him since!!

It is interesting that you have found so many people who seem prejudice,where we live most people think our 2 boys one caucasian and 1 black american are cute together,my wife was at a childrens museum once and a 3-4 year old child actually licked my black american son,apparently he was told by someone that a child of color was made of chocolate,however we have laughed over it,i am sorry to hear in your neck of the woods so many are still living in the past

sorry if it sounded like i get a lot of rude comments, i typically get great reactions from people. most don't make direct comments about my son, it is more comments about aa's in general that offend me (even before i had a multi-racial family). i love to discuss, with genuinly curios people, how we bacame a family.

I noticed that this is your first post, and I don't want to scare you away, Huck. However, as an African American who grew up in a Caucasian community, your post brought back bad memories of being singled out in foolish ways for my color. Curious children, who mean no harm, can cause much nonetheless. You can't protect your child from every experience where he is treated like an object, but you can reaffirm his humanity in the aftermath. Though I can understand that it's funny to you now, I am hoping that your wife's response to your child at the moment that incident occurred was different. I hope that she told him something to the effect that skin is skin, black or white, and told him how to respond the next time someone objectifies him. For example, if some kid has heard that rubbing a Black child's head brings good luck, I hope he knows not to just sit there and take that. Please don't take this as an attack, as it is sincerely not my intent. My post is strictly in the spirit of this forum, raising healthy Black children. In case another parent out there thinks it's OK to laugh along when someone licks their child, I wanted to make clear that it's not. Then again, I have come across nothing but wonderful transracial parents in this forum, but who knows who is lurking out there? Of course, my husband, to whom I spoke about this, thinks this is a fake story. As horrible as little kids were to me growing up, no one licked me, and I've frankly never heard of such a thing in all my years of Blackness.

Brat, I totally agree. I'm caucasian, and so possibly I have no right to speak on the issue, but as a fellow human being I most certainly do not feel that it's "cute" to be singled out and targeted for such foolishness; I would be infuriated if someone singled out my child this way ("Oops, sorry! I thought white people were made out of vanilla ice cream!"). True, children are innocent; it's our job as parents to prevent them from "innocently" behaving in ways that are hurtful, disrespectful, or discomforting to others. A child old enough to speak is old enough to be taught that ALL people are made of the same stuff, and it ain't chocolate. JMO, ~ Sharon

Hi Mckenna! My husband always chastises me, becasue I get annoyed with people who ask if our son is adopted, or a foster child. (he thinks it is just well meaning and friendly) Although I answer very nicely, I think it is nosy, and quite honestly, why do they care? i have only gotten positive responses from people, and every where we go, i swear we have 20 people coming up to tell us how cute he is. Although It could very likely be becasue our son IS the cutest child on the planet, I also think they are trying to show us that they support our decsion to adopt transracially. It does howevr, irritate me, that we cant sit at a restaurant without people coming over and touching his hair, etc, without asking. Since I have no other kids, I dont know how much of it is just becasue he is a cutie pie baby, and how much is becasue we are a unique family situation, and they are curious. I know that our daycare provider has also said that when she takes a group of kids out in public, he gets way more attention, so I do believe there is a racial componant. There are many many AA people in our community, so I am not sure what the deal is. I only want our son to view adoption as positive, so i am always very enthusiastic when they ask, but I wish i could find a subtle way to let people know that you shouldnt be so intrusive. I know that like you, when i see any multi-ethnic family, I am curious too, but it is becasue I would like to meet them becasue of our similarities. So, I agree, i shouldnt be annoyed, but sometimes I do feel that way! I also dont know how to handle it when people say thinngs like, "black babies are always so cute," and things like that. It does seem like a weird sterotype, and objectification. But, i know people arent trying to be jerks at all. And, I guess one of the reasons i chose to adopt AA is becasue I've always thought brown skin was absolutely gorgeous, so i suppose in a way thats the same thing. Does that make any sense at all, or am I just over analyzing again? lol??? Sorry Mckenna, I have taken over your thread with the ramblings of my crazy mind...lol. (I have to email you later!!)

Hi all! I started a new job, so it's been ages since I've posted. Anyway, the thing most people comment on about Bella is her long, gorgeous curly eyelashes. I truly feel that people are complimenting her, not singling her out. At the same time, a good friend kept going on and on about how beautiful her skin is and how we should all be so lucky to have a "permanent tan." Now, I totally agree with her on how beautiful our Biracial daughter is and it is also true that this friend is so pale you can see light through her arm, but I think she was just trying way too hard. Any other comments on this topic? I think it's an interesting discussion. Also, HUCK: Please, please, please read the book mentioned here in my signature line. It is an invaluable resource for any parent, but especially one with a multiracial family.

I have a story that is similar but opposite.....My cousin lived in columbia for several years and in church, as she played piano, little kids would come up to her and rub her arms. They got bolder and bolder and she didn't understand what was happening until one day, they started licking their hands and rubing really hard. They simply were trying to rub off the white paint! Even after she explained things, they kept trying to wash the paint off. She thought is was funny and so did the kids. I believe that the child that did the licking had to have been only 2 or 3 and perhaps he was told to use the term "chocolate" skin instead of "black". Then acted out of sheer curiosity.

Hold on folks many of you are going a little overbaord as a reply to those who thought this is outlandish,it was not,the licker was maybe 3-4 the licky was 2 and he has a wonderful and happy personality,if i find something that seems offensive i will take steps to correct it, but this situation was isolated and yes my wife and i both laughed about it,isaac my 2 year old black round mound of love,likes to hug other children black or white when they are crying,he is very gentle,yet he is all boy and can be very rough and tumble,if he had recognized it as offensive he probably would have pushed or even grabbed this child ,although only 2 he is 45 lbs,and built like a tank,and has no fear. but as far as this needs to go i think we have beat this into the ground,we here in my community have had many positve experiences and if someone asks where he comes from,we tell them we were fortunate to be there when he was born but when they ask about which agency we got him from we are quick to tell them of our year long problem caused by that agency that was not following the law and did not conatct the birthfather appropriately and we had to fight him,it was a year of pain that has been difficult to put behind us,i would not recommend them in the future although many will come to their rescue and defend their action on our case,if you would like to know who to steer clear from i will give you the details,you can email me @hbmoore@iwon.com

I guess my situation is the opposite of most of you. My husband and I are both foster parents in a predominately white area. In fact, we are the only active black foster parents in a three county area. Our first foster child was white/hispanic. My biological daugher (3 yrs) has a darker complexion than I. When ever we went out people would make a bigger deal than usual to come over and comment on how beautiful the baby was. She was a beautiful child but then they would linger and look at the baby and my 3 year old as if they were trying to find some similarities. I didn't tell people she wasn't mine because I thought that was none of their business. As far as I was concerned, she was mine. I loved her as much as if I gave birth to her. I'm not ashamed to foster or adopt children from different races. If I just had the baby they would speak and play with the baby and move on. I guess they assumed my husband was white. My daughter's bestfriend is a blond haired, blue eyed boy. I take them out together and we get a lot of stares. Some times out of spite I will say something like, Mommy will be right over here." I had one lady to stand there staring at me with her mouth wide open. I just smiled at her. No one has ever asked or made a rude comment. I know that doing foster care in this area is going to bring me more children who don't look like me or my family but that's what I love about this world. We are all different but still the same. You don't have to look alike to be family. :D

P.S: I get curious when I see multiracial families too. It is human nature to be curious.

Then there are the times that the "curious" border upon the "ridiculous." Several years ago I was in Babies R Us with three foster children - 3yo boy (hispanic/Italian), 7wo girl (ca/peruvian), and 7mo girl (aa). The 3yo and 7wo had similar skin tones. The 7mo had the most beautiful ebony skin. The two girls were in a double stroller. One lady came over to us and, after seeing the girls, asked, "Are they twins?" Since I didn't want to be completely insensitive and point out that the kids were of different ethnic origins, I just said, "no, they're five months apart in age." I walked away with a grin on my face while the other lady tried to figure that one out!

I don't come in this forum much and forgot all about this thread. Sharon, thanks for understanding. Sarah, thanks for sharing that book. It was required reading for one agency we researched. Huck, I'm glad that your son wasn't old enough to understand that he was being objectified. And, I have no doubt that the 3- to 4-year-old child had no ill intent. Actually, what I was trying to communicate is that if you are raising your son in a community where he may be singled out for his color, it is important to educate him with the ability to respond effectively, and hopefully positively, when others are insensitive. I'm all for having a sense of humor, and not building up a "whole world is against me" mentality. However, it will mean a great deal to your son to know that regardless of whether his parents share his ethnicity, you take his experiences with prejudice seriously. Whether or not the person who inflicts the pain does so either with malice or with complete innocence, the effect is the same. Simply telling your child that so and so "meant nothing by it," whether or not it is true will communicate that you identify with the CC child more than with him. In effect, you'd be saying you understand the emotions behind the CC child's actions better than the emotions behind your AA child's experience with being singled out. He will think to himself, "If my dad was AA, he wouldn't brush off my feelings like this." I know it's not easy to parent any child of any color, and I'm not trying to overly simplify. In some ways, no matter if you achieve the impossible and do everything right as a parent, he'll probably go through phases where he'll hold not only your color but your status as an adoptive parent against you. I was just hoping that my experience as an AA child growing up in a CC community would be helpful and instructive, especially as your child gets older and more aware. That's all! Sorry to take the topic off thread. Good discussion!

This is a great discussion! Although I do believe my son is the cutest little boy ever, I have realized that people do stop and fawn over him more than they would if we were the same race. Our adoption agency sent out some articles a few months ago that addressed the head rubbing. It said that older children often felt they were being petted like a puppy! I hadn't thought about it like that, but I decided to follow the advice it gave if someone asked to touch his head, or just reached out to touch him. It said to just say politely "I'm sorry, I don't allow anyone to touch my children's hair" I haven't had to use it yet, but it helps to have it ready!