denial

I am not certain about denial, I wave to and fro on that debateable topic. What I do believe, and this is true for even individuals that are not adopted, that everyone goes through a time in their lives when the do feel a need to open up and get to know themselves. We all call this mid life crisis. I do agree that female adoptee's are searching and males are not. at least until they are much older. I do understand how you feel mind I found my son he has rejected me but he is half the age of your son, I am not certian whether my sons rejection was because of his age, but I still understand the rejection. I would continue to send updates, esp if he has left the door ajar (christmas card) One thing about searching and being rejected is at least they know you cared enough to find them, and that when they are ready, they can contact you instead of having to search you out, that can be daunting. Good luck to you Hugs Melissa

bkp, I really can't give you any advice on what to do, but I can tell you that I am 32 years old and for a long time felt the same way as your son. I was content in my life and never really felt any need or interest in contacting my birthfamily. All I can say is that I am now in a wonderful reunion and am very happy that I changed my mind and your son too can change his mind. Try to make it easy for him to contact you in the future if he ever does change his mind. I'm sure that at some point in his life he will. Though I told myself I had no interest in meeting my birthfamily and really felt that way, looking back on it now, one of the reasons was I was scared. When you grow up a happily adopted child, it almost hurts to know that you are adopted, because you want so much to "really" be the blood of the family that raised you. By acknwlegding you and/or having a relationship with you, he will have to admit that he (for a lack of a better phrase) is not from the family that raised him. Plus, who knows what these people will be like? I mean, my birthfamily could have been these horrible people and I knew that there was a chance that if I contacted them, I'd never be able to get rid of them, so what happens if I didin't like them? What if my bmom or siblings didn't look the way I thought they should? etc... Hope this helps you understand a little about what might be going through his head. You sound like a nice person. I hope things work out eventually.

My cousin (one of 7 who were adopted) felt that she didn't want to look or know anything about her birthfamily for YEARS! She argued her right not to look or know FOR YEARS.. Took a lot of heat from other adoptees about her feelings FOR YEARS! A few weeks ago at the age of 38--she looked and found... My message to you is that an Adoptee may come to find you in their own good time.... some wait for years and others turn 18 and start looking.... don't give up hope and keep your door open. Pushing your birthchild may delay things, and most often adoptees do dicide to look at some point... Some wait until they have a fear you might not be there if the wait any longer...some face a medical issue and decide they need contact, and others need to wait for the adoptive parents permission or even death. My ex-husband is adopted and he does not want to 'hurt' his adoptive mother so he has choosen to wait until she passes... he believes the chances are his birthmother is much younger... Just keep you door open and let your child know you will wait as long as they need.... I know this must be very hard and painful but try to believe a higher power is in charge....

I am close friends with 3 adult adoptees -- the males have no desire to look and the female didn't, either, until she had children. Do your son and his wife have kids? That seems to make a difference. I would continue to send Christmas cards and maybe one other short update during the year. Keeping the door open, but giving respecting his choice for space.

That must be very hard :(

I'm curious, what makes you say that "it almost seems that there is denial going on about who he is and where he comes from."? Based on the rest of the statements you made, "He says he is happy and not really curious about anything. . . . I wrote a letter and he was kind and considerate enough to answer it. . . He said his aparents were always open with him about his adoption. .", I don't understand why you would think he is in "denial". To me, it sounds like he knows who he currently is and is content with the life he had/has and is happy and not curious about where he comes from. He is not a child, he is an adult and I would give him the benefit of the doubt that he knows his own mind. Many adoptees feel this way and it has nothing to do with denial. It is the reality of their feelings about themselves and their lives. Many of us find it extremely offensive and condescending to be told that we're in denial if we say that we are content, happy and well adjusted. It is most irritating. Many aparents have also found it irritating to have a bparent "acknowledge them for their parenting" as it implys that they were not real parents. While your intentions are good, please be aware how it may be perceived by others. You say that you are "really curious about how an adoptee might think and feel regarding his being adopted and about a reunion with his birth family." Your son seems to have conveyed his feelings pretty clearly. Why would you be curious how anyone else feels. Everyone feels differently and the only thing that really matters in your situation is how your son feels, IMO. If you indeed "respect his decision" , I would show him by abiding by his wishes. You state that "My son is in his early thirties and does not want any relationship with me or his birthfather or his siblings". I would let him be the one to make contact with you, if he at some point changes his mind. It's clear that this is not what you want, and that is understandable, but you can't force a person to feel differently. By not listening to what he has told you, you are not respecting his decision. Many adoptees have dealt with the situation in reverse, a bparent that wants no contact and although it hurts, they had to let it go. I agree with AntKnee "Try to make it easy for him to contact you in the future if he ever does change his mind. You risk alienating him forever by trying to force things when he is not receptive. JMO

BKP, I am 37 yrs old and was adopted at 6 wks of age. My parents were very open and honest with me and told me of my adoption when I was 5 yrs old. I have to admit that I have had several times in my life, including when I found this website, that it would be wonderful to know about my birth parents but I was raised by the only parents I have ever known and now that they are both gone, I realize this even more. Finding and getting to know your birth parents is an adoptees choice and right. Your son was given up for adoption and raised by someone else and if he choses, at this time, not to be involved with you it is his right. I agree that you need to let him know how to get in touch with you in case he ever does change his mind but pressure him, definitely not, and "in denial"- no he's not in denial, he's where he belongs. Nancy

iam 44 and have been looking all my life i want my birth mom to know i dont want to disturb her life i just want her to know i would be thankful for contact i need that for my life to go on i feel like i dont belong enywhere. i think laws need to see our side of the story more i think i hunts adoptees more not knowing were they fit in a lest that is the way i feel thaks for caring gaylene

I love what Nancy said......." "in denial"- no he's not in denial, he's where he belongs. " That sums it up quite nicely! If you speak with professional searchers, they will tell you that the percentage of males who search is teeny tiny. I searched and found my birthmom at 46. I was fine before, and I am fine now. I knew who I was before, and now I know about my biological family. I have to agree with Dlouis about the insult within the "denial" theory. Among non-adopted people, not everyone does genealogy research. It is a personal thing, not a denial thing. I also disagree that adoption hurts everyone. It saved me, and many others I know. I believe it can be made better, but it serves a purpose. I would be thankful for a happy, healthy child...and stay available. You never know........Debi

bkp wrot.. It is so hard to wait. Every so often I send an update. Do you think that is okay to do, or should I stop communicating completely. I stopped communicating completely and after about a year he called.. Says he wants to know us.. Then no contact again. I realized I had to let him go again.. That was very difficult to do.. But I have found peace in this letting him go.. I now send gifts to the grandbabies and cards at christmas.. and occasional emails.. I am now getting on with my life.. Jackie My bson was born in 1965 and we connected in 1999.

I wish you luck in your quest for a relationship with your birth son. As for me, I am an adoptee in my late twenties and I have been in contact with my bmom for 2 years. She is quite nice but I am having trouble forgiving her for making me an adopted person. At times, the pain is emense, and after 2 years I am contemplating cutting off my relationship with my bmom becasue having contact with her is just too great of a painful reminder of the past. I want to move on and live my life and I don't think I can do that with her in my life. It's a hard reality - but a reality none the less. Bmom's give their children away so they can get on with their lives, sometimes adoptees need to do the same thing. As for your bson, I would keep minimal contact, with out being too pushy - send Christmas and birthday cards and hopefull one day he will change his mind. Always let him know that you are just a letter or a phone call away....when HE is ready. Good luck.

So sorry but Ill give you a quick experice of what I went through. Every adoptee has a different experience. My brother did not care to look for our roots but I did. Sadly it wasnҒt for my mom but it was for my sister. In the process the opportunity to meet my mom came into play and so I did. Looking in her eyes I saw the hurt and I also saw the reflection of my hurt to . Seeing her after not liking her for years left me speechless. I cant help but think it was because of her I was put into "The system" at 2 years old and left there till 10 when I was adopted. If it wasnҒt for her kids at school wouldnt have said "foster kid" like I was some stray dog. Because of her I was moved to four different homes never with warning or good bye, because of her my brother who was my only family was sent to a group home and 7 different foster homes and now in prison. Me I was a fighter I made a promise that I would not fall into the statistics of being a drug user or pregnant. I kept a roof over my head and walked the straight line of life never to fall into the clutches that my brother did. I met my mom in 1995 and to this day I donҒt call or write. I dont hate her or love her she is just a distant member in my life. My sister will say oh mom says hi or happy birthday and I say oh tell her I say thank you and hello to. That's it.. I guess I feel like I have paid my dues as a foster and adopted kid. I have also made her wish come true by seeing her and letting her know IҒm alright now .. I know she wants more but I just dont have those feelings for her. I donҒt think it's anyones fault but I just donҒt. I do like to hear from her occasionally so dont stop sending cards. I'm sure he knows you care ;) but now just as I , I am free, happy, married and know my roots and adoptive life. I am content now... :)

FatBirdy wrote..Bmom's give their children away so they can get on with their lives, That was not true in my case.. I had a terrible time after I relinquished my son. I got on with my life by getting a job and vowing I would never be poor again.. There was no welfare for women like me back then.. No help .. My parents were not capable of taking care of my son while I worked.. Jackie

birthmother of sons not up to contack yet do you have sister and bother of birthson they might want contack. Mybe a birthsister or bother can start a relsonship first. My birthson mother tells me he intrest in meeting but he has the picture of his birthsister that is two years older and cuter that both his mother So she want to contack him only he his gay and that not a problem to her/ Lots of Love Mary

Hang in there, BKB Yours is a story I hear from time to time from both sides - adoptee and birthparent. I've held many a hand as one or the other struggled through search and reunion over the past ten years. What I learned is that the first contact comes as a shock to some, and it takes a bit of time for them to process what is happening. I have birthmom friends who have waited four or five years for a son or daughter to finally reach out to them. Yes, it's tough waiting -- especially after all the years of yearning you endured before contact was made. But, a reunion can't be forced. In most cases, after a few years, the adoptee or birthparent will reach out, and a reunion will happen. In the meantime, I agree that you should continue to send updates. Don't get mushy, but let your son know that you will always be there if he ever wants to meet you and his biological family. Don't dwell on the pain of separation. Keep your letters light and never give up hope. Take this time to prepare yourself. Talk to others who've experienced the same sort of reaction. It is true that the male child doesn't search as readily as the female, but I have many birthmoms who have successfully reunited with their sons. The relationships are good and in time they bond quite strongly. I AM sorry this is happening to you. This is the sort of nightmare we all experience when we first consider searching. Continue to be patient and understanding and reassure your son that you dont' want to intrude on his life, but want dearly to KNOW him. Good Luck ... Hugs, Carol Bird