Bonding and Attachment Disorder

Originally Posted By KalenThis could be more that he didn't get much chance to react to people when he woke. I agree with you tho if you are concerned. I would consult a child psychologist, preferably someone who knows about adoption issues. There are alot of things that you can do and it is not too late for this little child. Since he reacts to people when he is up and around, it does show that he is capable of bonding. Don't look at it as that he doesn't love you, look at it that he doesn't show much affection because he didn't learn how due to lake of opportunity. My child came to us at the age of 3, he was non verbal, not potty trained, pretty feral and not attached. He has made wonderful progress and is a loving, caring person who is turning 13. There is much hope. My thoughts are with you.

Originally Posted By MaryI completely understand what you are going through. We also got our little guy at 8 monthes. I stayed with him every moment for 3 monthes, put him in daycare 1/2 day, went to pick him up & he did not recognize me when I picked him up. I was crushed. I was told he was too young to have attechment issues. I found some great resources on internet. Although ours was from US, I found a great site from parents who had adopted from Russia, and it seemed Attachment disorders to be common from there. Things have definately improved. Some great early things that helped. Hold toys in front of your eyes & pull away, forcing him to looki you in the eyes. Hold him as close as poss. & dance, sleep together in family bed, & have a 'special song' that you sing. These are a few that seemed to help for us. There are more out there. Hang in There. Thing will get better.

Originally Posted By jettHello, even though your son is older now than when I began practicing this with my daughter, I found that doing many "eye contact" games helped this problem. Make these games as loving and fun as you can. Good luck and don't despair. :-)

Originally Posted By CindiDear Summer: You have a lot of natural mother's intuition! I am the parent of 2 birth children and 26 (yes, twenty-six) adopted children. Most, if not all, have attachment/bonding "issues". It doesn't really matter whether the child is adopted domestically or internationally, because attachment issues are common to both! My suggestion is always trust your instincts with YOUR child. If you have the time, read Martha Welch's book, "Holding Time". You cannot start soon enough to establish bonding! In fact, the longer you wait, the more challenging it becomes to get results. I would suggest that you not allow anyone to minimize your childs behaviors and lull you into a false sense of security that everything will be just fine if you just love him enough NOR should you believe the alarmists that because he is currently demonstrating signs of a Reactive Attachment Disorder there is no "hope" for change. Although my advice might be totally unacceptable for some, it is "free". :) #1 Be pizzazy when you are talking with your baby. (lots of eye contact, smiles and enthusiasm in your speech) #2 Feed your child yourself. Always secure eye contact when the spoon (or bottle) enters his mouth. SMILE! #3 Hug and hold your child on your terms not just on his. If he stiffens and arches his back or attempts to slide off your lap, don't allow it. Attachment disordered children cannot stand to be held unless it is on their terms and only for short periods of time. #4 For a couple of years do not work outside of your home or be gone for longer than an occasional evening. I realize this may appear drastic. However, it is incredulous to me that parents wonder why their child won't or hasn't attached to them when the child spends most of his/her waking hours in the care of others!#5 Seek support from those adoptive families who have similar experiences and who understand the importance of bonding and attachment. There is an organization in Milwaukee Wisconsin called FRUA (Families of Russian and Ukrainian Adoptions.) I believe they have a web site. God Bless your efforts and your new family! Cindi

Originally Posted By BarbaraHi Summer,We adopted our son from Russia also when he was 14 months old. The first few months were very tough on me,he was listless. Now at 33 months, he is a sweet, running, agile little boy who says 'Momma' alot!!!Kiss your sweet baby as much as you can! Love does wonders. Sincerely, Barbarawrite to me if you want at: bsw@s2nmedia.com

Originally Posted By Thu LyHi,We (hubby and I)are considering adoption after years of trying to have a child. However, all of the adoption cases I know are unhappy; I work with children who suffer from RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). In addition, many of these children have later been diagnosed with mental disorders, such as Bipolar Disorder or Paranoid Schizophrenia. The parents of these kids are often in the end of their rope and consider putting their kids to a group home or Children's Shelter. I am familiar with RAD and I know it is common with adopted children, but is there any other kind of adoption stories? Please let me know! I love the kids I am working with, but I hope there are also stories with less pain and more happiness.Thank you!

Originally Posted By HeatherSo far my story is a fairly happy one! My husband and I adopted a three year old girl last December. She is the joy of my life. She is smart, funny, confident, playful, and very affectionate. I don't know if she's bonded to me yet, but I am confident that will come in time. She is certainly very attached to me, and to my husband.There is a lot of happiness in my story, but it's not without pain. Adoption begins with loss; my daughter was securely bonded to her foster parents and she expressed a great deal of grief after placement (still does, occasionally). BTW, we have ongoing contact with them. I think this has been helpful to her, as has the fact that we've encouraged her to express her emotions. There is some pain, but the happiness far outweighs it, and who can really ask for more from life? I don't know what the future may hold, but I wouldn't have missed this experience for anything.

Originally Posted By DiannaThu Ly, I just want to thank you for speaking of the pain that comes with RAD. I was feeling pretty out of it with all the positive adoption stories on this board. It gives me a lot of relief to acknowledge that RAD happens. Our first adoption of a 2 1/2 year old boy with "attachment issues" worked out great. The bonding efforts I made worked well. The second time we adopted sibling girls 4 and 5 years old. Three years later, we are in pieces. I guess my point is don't bite off more than you can chew. Also their early life was far worse than we or anyone knew. But with lots of resources, support, and God's help our situation can and will work out for the best for everyone. I had not imagined this kind of outcome prior to our adopting, so again, I thank you for helping to give a more balanced view. Dianna

Originally Posted By JenThu Ly, I am adopted. So is my brother. I am 21 and he is 20. I bonded well with my adoptive parents from the start and so did my brother. He is hispanic, I am caucasian, and my parents are also caucasian. That complicated things once my brother started adolescence, but our story is as normal and as wonderful as any other kids'. See, we knew from day one that we were adopted. There was never a time that we didn't know...we used the term aloud in school before we even knew what it meant (other than we were chosen adn special). I feel that if the parents of an adoptive child love and support them in an unconditional manner, that child will grow up as he is meant to grow up. How I am today is because of the love I was given. If a child is bipolar, that was meant to happen. A lot of birthmothers are actually affected in some way by a psychological disorder themselves that causes them to feel unfit enough to raise a child...which makes me think that those situations lead to the child also growing up to have a disorder. Genetics, etc. But DO ADOPT. My only advice is to follow your heart at all times. NEVER raise your child (adoptive or otherwise) according to a plan that is not right for him/her. Go with the flow of things, add in tons of love and support throughout any situation, and you will have the same bond that birthmothers have. I get the feeling that you are expecting a child to be the model kid...but nothing can be predicted. Just trust your instincts and do what you feel is right. I turned out a very confident and successful person and I owe it to the unconditional support of my adoptive parents. I want to thank my birthmother one day...jumporfall@mauimail.comJEN

Originally Posted By Thu LyDear Deanna,I haven't been on this website in a long time, but I just read your message and I hope you will still get this one. I want to thank you for replying me and wanted to offer you some professional support (since I am not a mom :-( ) If you want to know about RAD-related literature, films, or if you want to just chat, you can e-mail me directly at pentuope@go.comI wish you and your children all the very best and God bless you in your challenging task!Thu Ly

Originally Posted By Thu LyDear Jen,Thank you so much for sharing your expreience with me. I am very happy to hear that there are positive adoption stories. That is exactly what I need to hear. But I wanted to straighten up one thing: I am definitely not expecting the child to be a model child. I mean, is there such a thing as a model child anyway? In my situation, there are some issues in my family that would not benefit a child who is violent and extremely aggressive, and that is why I am trying to figure things out - so that I wouldn't cause the child even more pain than he / she already has. I am sorry if I mislead you or anyone, in that matter. It is so good to hear about these good stories, because they really gve me hope that a successful adoption FOR THE CHILD is possible.By, the way, did you see the documentary "First Person Plural" about the little Korean girl who was adopted?It was a very, very touching story!I wish you all the best, Jen, and thanks again for bringing me light in this matter.Thu Ly

Originally Posted By Happy SisterAs the sister of an adopted brother, I will give you a more positive outlook on adoption. My brother was NEVER a problem child. He was and is PERFECT. It's really hard for me to consider him adopted and I never have considered him adopted until recentely. I have heard many stories about birthmother finding their children and reuniting. My brother does not want to know his birthmother. As far as he is concerned my mother is his mother. He and I are closer to one another than my natural sister and I. A very special person in my life; always has been and always will be.