Bmoms,Changing there minds about contact with their child

Thanks for your words. I have read many of your posts and I am touched by your story. You are very patient with your bdaughter and I am so happy that you are sticking this through.....clearly you care very much for her. Actually it's not that you are sticking anything through - you are just being there the way we all hope our parents would be. My bmom and I are dealing with where I fit in her life so this thread touched a sore spot for me. I have told the important people in my life and all of our arms are open.....but her's are not open to me. My bmom finally told my half sibs about me and we are just starting to get to know each other and so far it's been really great. The problem is that bmom doesn't want to tell anyone else and therfore she has told me that I will never be invited to any family functions, holidays or vacations (becasue that would be to let the cat out of the bag). I just wish that having me in her life and being a part of her (my) family was more important than having to 'air' her secret. So I am not so sure where I am supossed to fit. I am still a secret....we live thousands of miles away so there is not a lot of time to see each other or my half sibs....except my holidays correspond with xmas, easter etc. but apparently I am not alowed to be there at those times....so I am left with not much of anything....except an email relationship. Anyway, we are muddling through and hopefully my bmom will come to want me around and make the necessery arrangements to make that happen. mitchie40, I didn't like what you had to say either but i don't want to bash you for saying what you feel. I am just saddened that you feel that way and I feel very badly for your bdaughter. You say that she is not yours because you gave up that right.....but you will always be her bmom no matter what and it's so sad that you made a decision that she had no say in. No one asked her if she wanted to give up her right to know and love (and be loved by) her bmom. Doesn't she have a say? Again, I don't want to bash you but please be aware that you are sending her a really clear message that she is the lesser child and not worthy of your protection and caring like you are giving to the children that YOU decided to keep. That sure can do a number on your self worth, I know it has for me. Also, what do you mean when you say, "There will be great pain involved with our completed reunion. When it happens I will not hurt alone. " Why does it have to hurt? What is all the hurt about? Also, when you said, " Do I put the rest of my family through the suffering only to have it not work out?"......so then why is it okay for her to suffer? Just wondering and again, I am not bashing you, I appreciate your honesty......becasue I am just trying to understand different ways that bmom's may think and their thought processes. Good luck!

Penny.....I myself could not imagine ever turning my bdaughter away!!! There are many reasons why others do it however so the only way to know is just ask her WHY. They range from not being able to handle the emotions involved to being scared a deep dark secret is going to rear its ugly head. My heart truly goes out to you, and I understand where you are coming from. My bdaughter chooses to limit contact to only me writing now. She was fine when we began, but after a few weeks she decided she was not ready. She has written a few times, but really has no desire to get to know me. Fear and the unknown motivate many people. I hope the two of you find a neutral ground....A place that is comfortable to both of you. l-thompson.....I am with you....How come everyone can't know and understand the REAL meaning of unconditional love and acceptance????? It really is much easier to love and forgive than to hate and hold grudges!!!! Penny....I wish you the best of luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Staci :D

I was just a bit saddened when I hear of adoptees reaching out to their birth families only to find the acceptance is not there completely. I don't understand why there has to be conditions on being part of what ,after all, is your biological family. I always try to view both points of view and I do not wish to sit in judgment however, I do struggle with why some families like the idea of reunion but set guidelines. Its sort of like I love you but....... Different strokes for different folks, as always , in this life and I suppose thats what makes us all unique but have to admit....sometimes I just don't understand... It does make me appreciate how wonderful my reunion is going. Total acceptance and unconditional love...makes those small bumps in the ride not that bad after all.[FONT=arial][FONT=arial][FONT=arial]

Mind if I jump in here? I have been reading the posts on this thread, with tears in my eyes. I am a bmom who is reunited with her son for just about a year now. I can't imagine what life would be like if I could not see him again. I would probably curl up and die! I can't stand even one day that goes by and I don't get to talk to him. I count the days between visits and a week seems like a year. MissyM, I cried when I read your post, you express what I feel for my child. I too was 16 when I was pregnant, did not have any other children (then or since), I was expermenting with drugs, did not have the father in my life. He went to San Francisco with a flower in his hair, no doubt. He has no idea he has a son. I have often said that I wish I could have run away with my son, but after reading what your life was like when you were pregnant with the child you gave up, I can imagine that would have been the best it could have gotten for me and that is NO way to raise a baby! I have told my son that I loved him so much that I wanted him to have a better life and he did. Trouble is that now I want him back! I would think I died and went to heaven if he moved in with me. Of course that's impossible,he is 34 years old, but he upsets me by living with his parents now. On one hand I say that he should be on his own and not living with his parents and on the other hand I want him to live with me. What's the difference? I know that could never happen, his parents would be crushed and he would not hurt them for all the world. I must accept the fact the I will always take a back seat to his family. I would not think much of him if he hurt his parents that much to come and live with me. All that being said, I can't stop wanting that very thing! How do I stop wanting?! How do I go on with my life the way I should? Trouble is, I can't. I don't make a move with out considering how it would effect him. I left my husband (our marriage was not all that great at this point anyway) and moved to within 3 hours of his home, instead of the 11 hour distance I was before I moved. I feel so much better just being able to 'vent' my feelings and to read the posts from others. It doesn't solve much, the decisions still need to be made, but I don't feel so alone in this. There are no rules or guidelines to follow and making them up as one goes along is dangerous. Does anyone else have a still undefined relationship? My son does not call me Mom and when I refer to him as my son, it sounds strange. I cannot make the connection with the man I look at today and the little baby I held in my arms and cried for. He treats me like a girlfriend, rather than a mother. I have to admit that I don't treat him like a son either. Oh we know the limits, that's not an issue! The relationship is not like anything we have experienced before so we don't know what to make of it. Sometimes I want to run away and never see him again and that usualy happens after we say goodby and my heart is ripped from me as I watch him drive away. God I can't stand it!!!!! WHY does it hurt so much and will it ever stop?!? Matty's Mom

benzbabe85 wrote.. Trouble is that now I want him back! I would think I died and went to heaven if he moved in with me. Of course that's impossible,he is 34 years old, but he upsets me by living with his parents now. On one hand I say that he should be on his own and not living with his parents and on the other hand I want him to live with me. What's the difference? I honestly don't think we can get our sons or daughters back.. I do believe we can have a relationship.. A relationship that grows over a period of time.. Its such a tricky kind of love.. Its not the learned love. Its not the love that grows after years of familiar times together.. Its the unrequited love.. The love that got away.. Honoring the journey of the other person is key in my thinking... I do my best to look at my son.. and really see him.. What makes him uncomfortable and what does he like about our relationship.. Its a growing thing.. I corresponded with an adoptive mom when I first reunited.. She was dealing with her adaughters recent reunion.. I was able to learn from her.. I was able to hear what she was going through.. It was difficult for her. Just as it was difficult for me.. The human condition. :) My third born son took a long time to move out.. He just was taking his time.. Saving money so he could have a comfortable life.. Jackie

As an adoptee - I have to stand up for mitchie's post. When you give up a child, you give up your responsibility for that child. You are no longer responsible to take care of them, so set them on the right path, to deal with their problems. That is the job of her mom and dad - the people who adopted her. Mitchie's responsibility is the children she is raising. To protect them, to guide them. I don't blame her at all for protecting her children. On the flip side, I'm protecting my children from my birthfather and his family, because there are undesirable things about them that I do not want my children around. It's my choice as a mother - because my children are my responsibility. Mitchie should not be expected to take on the problems that her birthdaughter developed all the years she was someone else's child. When you gave up your child, what would you have thought if someone told you "Okay, you're giving this family your baby. But 22 years from now she's going to come back messed up, and it's going to be your job to fix it". Bull It sounds to me Mitchie is doing the right thing. She's taking care of her family . . . and allowing her birthdaughter in and getting to know her, but not allowing her birthdaughter's problems to become her family's problems. All that connects them is blood - she's still a stranger, and we wouldn't just let any troubled stranger move in and influence the children we tried to hard to care for. It sucks, but it isn't a perfect world. No one guarenteed us that when we reunited with our birthparents/birthchildren that things would be perfect - black and white. There are too many grey areas. And each person deals with it differently. Whose to say what's right or wrong? Only do we in our hearts know that.

I am just now beginning to know my bson...I must say that I spent the past 2 months slightly mad. Not mad at him, but mad at myself. Scared too...deathly afraid that he was going to hate me for leaving him. I have been giving him space for the past two months because I couldn't stand to hear the potential hatred in his voice, to have him ignore me for walking away so long ago...Maybe it was better to just leave the past in the past, pay the child support (he is with bfather) and leave it be...After all, they had my phone number, they could always call me if they wanted. If they weren't calling, then I felt I didn't have the right to intrude on them. Finally, on Friday, I could not stand it. I wanted contact so badly. I called and left a message on his cell phone...I waited two days for him to call me back. I had nearly given up when he called last night, and said "Hi, Guess Who!" We talked for over an hour, about frivalous stuff. I wanted to apologize, to cry and beg him for forgiveness...but he didn't seem to be asking for that. He just wanted to chat. When I gave him up, I grieved and mourned as I would have mourned a child who died. When you have no contact with them, it's like they died, without the funeral or a body. You don't know how they are. You don't know if they are still really alive. You imagine them like you think about dead family and friends, praying that they are happy where ever they are. You live through the guilt and the anguish and all the WHAT IFs. Then, suddenly, even if you started the contact first, there they ARE. They are not dead, they are not a dream, a fantasy or an illusion....they are real, breathing and it's so very strange. This person has grown up without you, when in your mind, they remain the age you let them go. And you realize all you missed in between. The pain can become overwhelming and I know that it's partly why I didn't call for two months...It was easier to go back to how it had been, not directly facing the guilt of leaving him until I felt mentally prepared. I hope that some of this makes a wee bit of sense. Sometimes we pull back out of pain of our own making. I have spent 16 1/2 years living with guilt that seared my soul. I had tucked it away somewhat and was living my life, but it burned inside. I am sorry to all of you who have bmoms who do not seem to want you. :( Angela

jessicarbt wrote..I had nearly given up when he called last night, and said "Hi, Guess Who!" We talked for over an hour, about frivalous stuff. I wanted to apologize, to cry and beg him for forgiveness...but he didn't seem to be asking for that. He just wanted to chat. Wow... Thats wondeful news.. My bson likes to 'just chat'.. I try my best to stay away from the heavy stuff.. I remember when you first posted.. Jackie

Angela, Wow, I could not have said it any better! You expressed EXACTLY the pain I feel in my relationship with my Bson. Sometimes I want to run away, hide and never be heard from again! I want to ask him, "what do you WANT from me?" We have been reunited for a year and still have no clue as to what we are supposed to do now. We are happiest when he comes to my house and I dote on him or we just sit together. Each day in between visits seem like months! When he comes for the weekend, it is never long enough and parting takes hours with lots of tears on both sides. Every time he leaves I get angry and don't want to see him again, but soon I am missing him and long to see him again. Even after all this time, we can't stand being apart. I never had any other children, never felt like I had a right to any. But where can it be going? How long can this keep going on? How much pain can I take? What am I supposed to do? How much more do I have to hurt? My painful past that I burried is coming back to slap me in the face, each time I look at his handsome face. Each time he tells me that he loves me more than anything, I cringe with shame. I will never get over the pain of what I lost and will never capture. This is such a strange thing to happen to us, nothing in life prepares you for it or how to handle it. I cannot make the connection between this georgeous guy sitting next to me and the infant I held in my arms and sang to! I just cannot bridge the gap in my mind! Sorry to go on, but I have all these questions clogging up my mind and no answers for any of them. I just trust in God that he will show me the way and what he wants from me. Joanne

benzbabe85 wrote..How much pain can I take? What am I supposed to do? How much more do I have to hurt? Thanks to Brandy and others this place is a safe place.. Maybe if we keep asking questions such as this we can learn how to cope.. How to lesson the hurt. Jackie

Mitchie was brave to say what she did. She feels that she needs to protect her minor children. I think we all would agree with that. That she needs to protect them from an association with her other daughter is HER "reality." I am an adoptee who has a teenage daughter. I feel very strongly that I need to protect her from improper sexual encounters and drugs. I am also a volunteer at a youth center that caters to "at-risk" teens. My daughter was exposed to these teens (and their risks) at a young age. At first I worried if I was making a mistake. Because I felt I was following my God lead, I continued. Let me tell you that I now feel it was the best thing I could have done for her. My daughter saw in these teens all the problems that came with their risky behavior. She learned without having to experience the pain that these youth experienced. As she entered her teen years, she, like most teens, thought her mom had no advice to offer. But then she saw other teens seeking her mom's advice. My older teen daughter is a well-adjusted young lady. And I am very proud of her. I'm thankful she grew up with the exposure. This tread shows there could be a number of reasons the b mom might limit or reject a b daughter. But those reasons are probably "reality" only to that b mom. Time, patience, love and continued attempts to connect can change that "reality." Be creative in your attempts to connect. Carolyn Kay

I understand what you mean. Your post almost made me cry; I am an international adoptee. From Asia. I know completely how you feel. "Why me?" I look at the pictures of my biological family and wonder the same thing. You (general you) always feel as though you are on the outside looking in. You always feel like what you've been told is never enough, because you don't have the memories. You know about it, but you don't know of it. You don't know how things ended up this way at the time of the adoption. You know why, and yet you don't completely understand the real meaning of the word "why" when it comes to what you want to know. I talk on occasion to my sister online. We have never had a real conversation because she only speaks Mandarin and I only speak English. We have to talk through the online translator, and even then our options to talk are limited because the translator is rarely ever accurate. I try and talk to her and ask her about things, but it's so difficult because I can't phrase anything the way I want to. She probably thinks I'm annoying and says to herself, "What's the point? You don't even understand Chinese right now." But she is not the one who's been adopted. She hasn't spent the past few years of her life wondering about where she came from, if she'll ever know or who she isn't aware of (relatives, siblings, etc). She didn't grow up halfway across the globe, not knowing where her genetic origins are, or if her bio parents were even still alive. I look at the pictures of my biological family and I ask, "Why me? Why couldn't you have just worked your way through the conflicts and supported me as an infant in that way? You were desperate for me to live a better life, and yet you chose to keep my sister?" However, I cannot relate to your entire situation. My biological mother has not rejected me, nor has my father. I think they are more willing to see me than my siblings are, although that's understandable as my siblings were not deeply involved. But still... knowing that you have family somewhere around the globe, that they may share your physical, emotional and habitual traits and that they just don't know who you really are... even if you talk to them, it feels like you are being divided by a glass wall. You can see them, you know the basic facts, but you don't really -know- them or what they have been through. You lack memories with them.

My heart goes out to everyone. I have a different situation. I seem to be able to relate only to my bson as an adult - I don't see him as the baby I "gave away" 26 years ago. Perhaps I'm trying to save his feelings but I think I've longed for a relationship for so long that I would rather try to make something with the "adult" son than try to make up for all the lost years. I wish everyone well and hope the holidays are not too hard. This is the first Christmas for me since hearing from him and I think it's the hardest. In previous years I thought that I hadn't heard because he wasn't old enough but now, if I don't hear something it's because he doesn't want to. Take care of yourselves and I feel close to all of you even though I'm relatively new - we all share the same heartache - adoptees or bmoms, amoms - we just want what is best for our children. KD:rockband:

It is the other side of the coin for me. I am a bmother and my bson found me this year. I feel as though my head has been slammed against the wall with emotions from my bson, and it has been very very very difficult. The turning point for me when I "died" inside was when he phoned me up to tell me that he very nearly died after taking an ecstasy tablet 2 days before. His amom was with him for the time until he stabilised and I have had to try to come to terms with a son who has alcohol/drug/relationship probs with his aparents. How can I get my brain to adjust to all of that in the space of the first few months? Well, in truth, I can't and my heart has said YES, I LOVE YOU and my brain and near mental breakdown has said NO THANKS, THAT IS ENOUGH. So there is one side of the story. I read on this forum of adoptees that want to tell their bmom ITS BEEN HARD, I HATED BEING WITHOUT YOU, and they make it so difficult. It tears us bmoms up being without you, but we take comfort in the fact we HOPE you had a great adoption. To find your darling bson in such an emotional state that he can't function in life and has see sawing emotions about his aparents (one minute he thinks they are great, the next, he doesn't give a xxxx about them) is very unnerving. So much dropped like a bombshell in an already delicate situation i.e. reunion. I could go on, but I hope you get the drift. This reunion business is devastating at the best of times and I agree with you, I so wish it was easier than this. May be that is why some bmoms can see this in advance and choose not to go forwards. I have to admit, I have found it extremely tough. I long to be one of those bparents that find their children/are found by them and it goes more smoothly than this!!! After 8 months, the last contact I had was from my bson on the phone and he slammed that down on me because I had (dared?) to suggest that I contact his amum so that she would keep in touch in emergencies like this. I have had to face this season with my heart in bits and yet also, paradoxically, my heart numb and switched off. I honestly don't think I can go through with this. I felt such love and had so much to give this young man, but I feel he has ruined any chance that our relationship may get off to a good start. He's done nothing but make it extremely hard for me to function, mentally, emotionally - where adoptees get the idea that they can throw anything at us and we'll be there for them, I don't know, but be aware, PLEASE that we are human, and can't always cope with the dumping of emotions (that frankly should be worked out with a professional or someone else) in one big dollop, especially when like me, I am not a mom, I never went on to have more children, I have never had the experience of raising a child and having to cope with all that they throw at you from child to adolescent. Like you said, it breaks my heart too to read threads like this.

Hi,whilst my son has called me "mom" from the start, I find it a bit daunting (nice but daunting), as I am not a "mom" - I am a single person with no experience of raising a child. Like you, I find it hard looking at this twenty something old man who wants me to be a mother to him, I CAN'T! His amom is the one who has been a mom to him. The recent kick in the teeth is that whilst he says he talks to me like no other on this planet and there was a level of trust there, within a week, he'd taken a drug that nearly killed him and his amom was there in hospital with him, holding his hand until he stabilised and I didn't get to hear about it until 2 days later, when he phoned me himself. I was so badly shocked I can't tell you, only 8 months into reunion and nearly dead! So many feelings surfaced, like jealousy, being relegated to second best (none of these feelings are justifiable, I'm just saying that they arrived, whether I liked them or not), feeling lost, vulnerable, cheated, angry - darn it, I have only seen him once and things like this put us 10 steps backwards. Like you, I wonder, will it ever end? Well it depends on us. I am fast approaching a decision to end this for good, as I can't take the constant yo yo-ing of emotions. Some people on this forum seem to be able to hang on in there as if to say they will take anything, well I'm finding I can't! and that makes me feel guilty. I'm single, but here I am supposed to be mom that promises I'll be there for you forever son! and I just can't do it. The hurt is incredible. On previous posts I've likened reunion like having my head slammed against a wall by his emotions and demands that he's made. I'm finding him to be cruel (its now 3 weeks through the season and I haven't heard from him). I wanted to build bridges with his aparents, but as soon as I suggested I contact his amom with regard to contacting me, if anything like this should happen again, the phone went down on me and I haven't heard from him since! I can't tell if that was actually what did it, but like you say, its such an undefined relationship. What the hell am I? I'm supposed to be a mother, he's constantly saying "because you're my mother" and I'm going to tell you this, because "you're my mother and you will understand" but I dont always understand, we're actually strangers with a blood tie. Sometimes he's so disrespectful and talks to me like I'm some new girlfriend he's trying to impress or show me that he's in charge, and equally treated me like he's trying to control me or manipulate me, and I didn't like it one bit and had to put some boundaries in there. I too feel like running away and calling it a day, but some deep connection seems to pull me back. I am now seriously considering whether any relationship will get off the ground and I doubt it until I call time and give him time to get his act together. Whether that will work or not, I don't know, but I've read that others have had reunion and it just hasn't and isn't going to work out. I'm in pain and agony realising that we may be just one such reunion. I guess I'm losing hope. Don't know if this helps, but its one perspective. I certainly can empathise with your pain, I'm there too. ((((hugs))))) Jannyroo