Should we send her back?

I was somewhat in the same situation. I am now 22 years old was adoped and came to the states when I was 5 months old. I have had many health problems and definitely am glad I left my home country for a better life. But, I did do those things..I was raped when I was younger..and it still has an affect on me now. I used to abuse my parents horribly and regret ever doing it to this day. It's so hard becuz every situation is different. And since she knows her biological family it's even harder on her as well as your family. She needs to see counseling and talk to someone. I never did nor wanted to when I was her age as well..But eventually I opened up. It takes time, and it always will. I can only offer my experiences through what I've gone through and what I'm still going through to this day..Many years, and struggles of counseling as well as I had to spend a weekend in the psychiatric ward at a local hospital really opened my eyes. Not that my parents did not love me or want me but they wanted me to see what it was or would be like when I was like that. I was alone. And I hated that feeling..although I wanted it and stated it..It was really a cry for help but no one really knew how to help me. Unless I wanted to change and stop being like that. She's still so young and needs all the love, attention and care. And since she is blind at the time she still wants to feel a certain belonging and becuz her mother and her sisters are still around she wants to belong to them as well. Growing up in a different home and enviorment puts a lot on a person. Me, growing up in an all american home being asian was very difficult for me. But don't give up. If you feel your at the end of your road speak to the biological mother and also speak with the agency you went through and speak to them of your issues and see what can be done from then on. Good luck.

We have a 15 year old foster daughter who actually came to us from an adoptive placement that she went to when she was 8 years old.. she is 1 of 6 kids her and 1 sister were adopted to the same family, the next brother was sent to live with a grandparent and the youngest 3 all live with there bio dad, but see bio mom everyday.. When she was aopted at 8 she had lived in 16 different places and had been severllt neglected by her bio mom and also abused by and uncle.. She left her adoptive placement due to emotional abuse and also because she had so much resentment against them since they would not let her see or talk to her bio mom.. She always felt like her life would be perfect if only she could live with her.. She does not believe that her bio mom cannot care for her.. When she came into placement her therapist agreed to let her talk with her mom and her first foster mom allowed her many visits with her bio mom.. this actually made her worse in the beginning because they were still in the "honeymoon" phase.. after a month or so, and after she came to live with us she started to realize that her bio mom had moved on, was happy to talk to her, but really was not able to "be there" for her like she thought.. She has been going thru tons of therapy, and trying to realize that the grass is not always greener.. She has depression issues and we are helping with those.. We try to help by 1.. never putting her bio mom down. 2. allowing her to talk to us about her bio mom and being supportive. 3. we do explain that her bio mom loves her very much and because of that.. she gave her up for adoption to a family that she felt would be better for her to be raised by. 4. We also tell her that we love her no matter what and when she is 18 she can make the decision for herself.. but in the mean time.. MAKE YOUR MOM PROUD!!!! and do well, make friends, do good in school and be that kids that she always wanted her to be.. I am not going to say it is always easy.. but it has improved.. but in order for her to move foreward we HAD to let her talk openly about her bio mom, let her call her and make it so that he bio mom was not seen as the "forbidden fruit".. once this happened, she was able to let go of some of her anger.. Honestly.. now that youy are her parents.. I cannot see how it would be illegal for you to let her talk with her family.. maybe you can contact them somehow and let them talk or write letters or something?? Mandy

I think the best point made here so far - or at least the most relevant - is the fact that this home was the child's 15th. Between 2 (securly attached) and 8 she was in 14 homes (unattached) and then returned to her bio mom (former attachment) and then forced to leave (probably agaisnst her bio moms wishes ... meaning the bio mom didnt give her "permission" to reattach) and then forced to try and attach to the same people that she can "blame" for removing her from her only attachment. Poor does NOT equal inability to love ... and poor does not equal unhappy. It is INCREDIBLE to me that the idea of no contact would of been proposed in this situation. If only because it has allowed the child to build a fantasy of that life and her memories of her loving first mom. I think the BEST thing you can do for the child is to find her first mom and allow some contact ... will that lead to a visit -- yes probably. Would most 14 or 15 year olds I know be horrified by conditions in 3rd world countries - yes. Will it mean she gives up her desire to live there - maybe yes, maybe no. HOWEVER, she will have been given permission from you to love EVERYONE important to her. Regular theray WONT WORK ... 5 years with no change is sign enough of that. Attachment therapy with a 14 year old is pretty touchy and tough ... but worth a try! If YOU support her on this journey at 14 and give her the ability to find her first mom - you become a good guy and prove your love to her. Chances are, you are right, she is going to turn 18 and do it on her own. Would you rather not be the one to provide her guidance and support through it?

Dpen - she is almost 15. It doesnt have to be an all or nothing situation like it is right now. I by no means am suggesting that the parents drop her off at the airport and send her back to her birthmom HOWEVER ... I believe that some contact might be extremely helpful for the child/young adults healing! She is emotionally stuck -- the present situation isnt working so why keep hoping things change ... without doing anything to facilitate that change? I was 15 my first trip to a 3rd world country ... it changed my life and I am sure it would HELP the child in this situation see the reality of what her life was like. If knowing and having contact with her sisters and first mom can help to heal her -- why deny it? She needs to know she was loved by them ... she needs to feel lovable. She deserves to know her first mom - than for no other reason than SHE loved her (deservedly or not) Also, the reality is that, yes they were poor and malnutrition is a problem all over the world. But for $10 a month a child can be fed in most countries of the world... that doesnt mean they need to be removed for adoption automatically. Removal and severing of ties should be a last resort -- not the first option. Why, in this case, it was determined best to cut off contact I do not know nor understand. I would assume that it was a naive hope that the child would "move on" or be better off. Its apparently not true --- so how can they make the best of a bad situation? Contact!

Jensboys, you articulated very well the same thoughts I was having regarding this situation. To save this child, contact must be made with the birthfamily. This little girl is depressed and is worried about her mother and her sisters. She will not move on, there is no therapy in the world that can do this. The longer this drags on, the more harm is being done. This child has no friends according to the mother raising her and she is very isolated, she is not going to snap out out it. I would be afraid that at some point she may decide to take things in her own hands and do harm to herself. Her adoptive family should be doing everything under the sun to help her find out how her family is and if they need financial support to, help them in that way as well. As yo said, it takes very little money to feed a family in the 3rd world.

To all of you...... I can't tell you how much all of your thoughts and opinions have helped me. Until now, I have only been comfortable expressing these thoughts to my husband and our daughter's psychologist. I felt that if I told anyone else I would be judged harshly. I want no one to question my love for this child. After reading and re-reading all you your thoughts, I feel the need to give you a few more details. Please keep in mind that this child is totally blind. Showing her photos or returning her to her home country would not help her "see" what her circumstances would be. A visit to her birth family would be difficult for many reasons. This is a remote area. There is no phone, no mail, etc. Her family has to live in areas where they can get food. In order to adopt her, some of her birth documents were retrieved by a man who had to ride a burro into the area and back. The laws about contact after adoption are strict because so many of these people are so desperate they were "selling" their children for money. Adoptions in this country were completely shut down for six years. The government restructured their adoption requirements and began allowing adoptions right before we started adoption of this child. As far as psychological help, I assure you "we" sought out the best for not only her, but all of us. In the last five years we have come a long, long way. We did a lot of research, asked a lot of questions, and interviewed many Drs. before we chose the one we have. She has helped all of us tremendously. She has especially helped me to understand this child, her thoughts and behaviors. Her advice has helped me react and "do and say" the right things at the right time. After a visit with this Dr. our daughter always has an overwhelming sense of peace. I assure all of you, I am willing to do whatever it takes to help her emotionally. I encourage my daughter to talk about her birth family as often as possible. I have told her many times how much I admire her mother for loving her enough to "let her go". I have assured her that it is okay with me for her to love both of us, and that it will always be okay if she loves her birth mom more than me. I explained to her that it is the same as a mother who has a child and loves it very much, then when she has a second child, she doese'nt stop loving the first child....her heart just gets bigger. I have a poem framed in her room that she asks me to read to her quite often. The title is: Legacy of an adopted child. It basically states what each mother gives to an adopted child. At the end of the poem it says: Heredity or environment;which are you a product of? Neither my darling, neither, Just two different kinds of love. When I first wrote this thread, I was curious to find others who had possibly expierenced a situation similar to mine. I wanted to see if there really could be a happy ending. I now find that after reading all of your responses, that the bottom line for me is........I can't let her make this decision for herself. I can't assure her safety if I were to take her back. And I am NOT a quitter! I will not give up on this child and the promises I have made her. I pray that in time she will accept us and know that by sticking it out, we did what was best for her. Once again, thanks to all of you.

Bamamom: I realize your daughter can't see anything but she can hear and smell and touch. If she were to go back to her birth country on a visit, wouldn't the sounds, smells, textures and tastes give her some comfort and some recognition that her country isn't a place that is appropriate to her needs. I don't know what country she's from, but I know that when I stepped off the plane in India, it smelled from burning fires there was a jabber of talk and we were jostled everywhere. The smell of animal (and human) dung, the feel of mud under her feet, the cries of the hungry...all of those would help her realize the reality. You could describe what you see -- the families living and cooking in the median of the road, the blind beggars reaching in the cars etc. I am not saying that you should return her to her birth family or even try to seek them out (sounds impossible anyway), but visiting her country could be comforting.

wow...while i was reading this, the only thing that kept coming to my mind was; this girl is blind. she wants to be with her birth mom. bringing her back to her country, wont mean too much. She will have her smells, but its clear that her memories of her birth family were good, so the smells would only make her want to be there with them. but to be honest,i dont think thats the issue. i think the real issue here is, how can bamamom parent this child who doesnt want to be parented by her. in my opinion, Its clear that going back to the birth family is not a good option for this girl. so then what? should she give her up? should she place her daughter in a group home? should she just tough it out? should she just keep pulling her hair out and start resenting her daughter? which are all normal feelings, when we deal with these children. reading bamamom question, the first thought i had was, heres a woman who is so stressed out with her daughter, that she is thinking to herself "maybe going back to birthmom, will be the answer".....but its a new day, and maybe im reading into too much, but i think you already know that answer. im not saying shes angry, maybe just a little, but it seems she is more hurt and confused write now on how to handle this girl. I could be totally off the mark here, but it sounds more like, "HELP!!! shes making me crazy, what should i do?" the love for her child is not in question, but the anger and hurt she is feeling about this child is. She took this girl to help her and get her the medical care she needs...unconditionally, but whats the pay back......getting screamed at!!! not at all then what she might of expected...... i have no answers for you bamamom, this is a tough one. Your daughter is old enough to express what she wants, however, too young to fully understand the consequences. she might not be able to live in your house. you may have to place her somewhere else and instead of being a 'mother', you in turn may be the strongest case manager she will ever have. i really dont know. i dont think bringing a blind person to SEE what her country looks like is going to help at all, in fact, i think it will be worse. she will have good memories, from the smells, but thats about it. which i dont think is a wise thing to do. plus, im not even sure if bamamom really thinks thats an option anyway. keep posting here bamamom, my heart goes out to you, i know how tough it is to parent these kids, i myself have two of them......it aint easy. i love them to death, but some days i can think of my life when i didnt have the stress and worries that i have since my boys were placed with me. to be honest, there are those days when i actaully thought how easy my life would be if i didnt even meet them. these kids want us to get angry at them, they want us to abandoned them.......and they will fight..... i know i havnt helped, and i can be way off of my interperation of this thread, but just wanted to throw out, you are not alone here..... dadfor2

Thanks dadfor2, I appreciate your helpful words. I can't really say that i feel resentment toward this child. Through therapy I have come to understand so much about what she is going through and where her anger is coming from. She comes from such a different life than mine. I grew up knowing who my parents were, knew they loved each other and loved me. I was fed, protected and nurtured in a very healthy environment. The thought NEVER had to cross my mind that I would have to live anywhere but with my parents. They are still only a mile away from me. This child has never had the security I had. I can't resent her because I realize she doese'nt know what I know. The stress I feel is from not being able to be what she wants. I desperately want her to be happy but she is determined to hang on to her past and reject us as her family. There are so many people who, when they hear about us and our situation say, "she should be so grateful to you for what you've done". And my reply is always, "she's lost her family....she knows that they are all together except for her. At this point she can't appreciate what she has." I am not expecting her to ever be grateful, but I am hopeful that one day she will at least be able to say "thanks". For depen6 I took no offense to your words. What I was was trying to convey was that I needed advice and opinions about whether or not to let her return to her birth family permanently. I now realize that I can't let that happen. I have to face the consequenses of making her stay here with us. At this point, I feel like taking her back would just make her feel like home number 14 didn't want me either. I don't know what's ahead for us, but I am determined that through whatever we may face..........this child will know that we were'nt willing to give up on her. Thanks to all.

Why is it all or nothing? Why not arrange some type of contact. If no direct contact how about something arranged through an intermidiary. I beleive your daughter is feeling that she abandoned her family, in order to receive medical care, she had to give them up, she may be feeling extreme guilt. Why not tell your daughter you will help support her family what ever way you can and that you will be as agressive as needed (after all you moved mountain and earth to get her here and get her medical treatment) Why can not you move mountains to get her family some support. Your daughter is grieving, feeling guilty and above all she is frightened for her families well being. This is not something she is going to outgrow. Even if you are totally unsuccessful in trying to find a way for your daughter to have contact with her family, she will at least know you tried as hard to help her family as you tried to adopt her.

bamamom, sorry i used the word resentful. sometimes i do some counter-transference stuff...... my kids are a hand full with thier odd behaviors and even though i understand what they have been through, there are times that i get resentful. Its just a feeling and goes away real quick. i love my boys, and cant imagine life without them, but there are those days that i just look at them and say "please, please, just listen...i love you, your not going anywhere again...STOP ACTING THIS WAY!!!!"........lol. but i dont. i know you tried talking to her, im pretty sure you sat her down and talked about her whole life with her. I think your doing a great job, just hang in there. I dont think she will hate you when shes older. she is going through a rough time now and when she gets older, she will probably understand exactly why her birth parents and you, did what you have to do for her. like i said, keep posting. are you and your whole family in therapy together....family therapy? that might help. it might help if there is someone on the outside discussing the reasons why she is placed in your family. she may never really feel that you are her real family, and i think you might need to accept that for that now. I know i had to accept alot with my kids that i thought i would never have to deal with. as the old saying goes "meet them where there at.." good luck, your in my prayers....keep us updated on the progress. This is a tough one with what you and your family are going through right now. dadfor2

Your child has experienced multiple and chronic trauma that has probably caused a variety of problems, including Reative Attachment Disorder and sensory-integration disorders. The first and best step is to get real help and support and in this instance that means a licensed mental health provider who can provide attachment therapy. Other types of treatment just won't work for such a child. She needs the help and you need the support and guidance necessary to help her heal. I'd not go ahead with any contact with the birth mother at this time. That would be counter-productive and damaging. I would involve birfth family AFTER you have engaged in attachment therapy and under the guidance of the therapist. I do a lot of such work and, when done properly, can be very helpful. When done without appropriate guidance and therapeutic assistance it often, but not always, becomes a bigger mess. regards and best wishes.

Hi everyone, new to this post and I've read through everyone's answers...how wonderful that there is such a support system here for this beautiful mother who has taken on such an amazing and difficult road. If nothing else, whenever she's ready to pull her hair out she can come in and type to her hearts content and work through the frustration! You guys are awesome! I have just one little piece of info to share that might give a little understanding...and in my scanning I might have overlooked someone already saying it, and I would be surprised if your counselor hasn't already said it, but anyway... We adopted an older child internationally and before we did I read all the books I could get my hands on so I would be at least somewhat prepared. There are two things that have stuck with me that helps me when things seem a little out of control...and by no means is my situation anywhere close to what you are going through... but the first thing is that the older child will fight tooth and nail to put distance between themselves and their adoptive parents. In their rationale, if their own bio-parents didn't love them enough to keep them, it will only be a matter of time before their adoptive parents will get rid of them too. So, they will do whatever it takes to make that happen before they love their new parents too much...and the closer they get to their new parents, the more outbursts they will have. It's their fear of rejection -- again ---. And there is no way this child can't fear rejection. Her own mother loved the other 5 children enough to keep them, but not her. (the child's rationale, not mine) The other thing was that no matter how old the child is, they haven't been able to go through the natural bonding process that a baby, then toddler, then older child goes through with their parents. So, they need to experience those things with their new family. For instance, our son was six years old when we adopted him. He had been in an institution his whole life. He needed to go through his "terrible twos", he needed to go through the sitting on the lap and being rocked and loved up and cuddled, etc. to be able to bond with us. The book said to let them do these things even if that means rocking a 12 year old to sleep in your arms...they need what they missed. Sometimes these phases take a week, sometimes they take six months, or a year...it's whatever the child needs to emotionally mature. The chance we all take when we adopt an older child is the same...you really don't know what you are getting, how their experiences have shaped them. And it's a beautiful thing when someone can find it inside themselves to take on the unknown in the name of giving a child a place to call home and family to call their own. She's blind. She's been abandoned. She's the only child who wasn't kept...the only blind child...and the only one given up. It's going to take a lot longer than 4-1/2 years of counseling to convince her that she's not "damaged and unwanted goods. She's young, she's emotional...making this whole situation worse. But I feel like she will outgrow this eventually and will love you all the more for sticking through it with her. And promise her that when she is an adult you will take her back, find her family and she will know them again. But for right now, they are not in a position to give her the medical attention she needs. And that every night that mother lies down to sleep and wonders about her beautiful daughter and prays she's done the right thing and she's healthy. For the huge sacrifice this mother went through for her child, there's more love their than this little girl knows. I'm absolutely sure this mother aches for her daughter as much as the daughter aches for her mother. You definitely need to tell her that you will jump through fire to help her find her mother when she is older. Bless your heart, you're someone's hero...even if she doesn't know it . . . yet.

How are things coming along? I have an 11 yo son adopted through foster care who is in residential care... this is also an option, not that I would ever want my kid there, but our son being in residential care is providing "respite/theraputic intervention/perspective that we wouldn't otherwise have. I was drivng home today, with my other 3 younger children in the car, wondering if our son ever CAN come home, as his behaviors are similar to the internationally adopted visually impaired girl. I don't know if I am capable of putting the rest of our family at risk for a child who doesn't care where he lives. Truly a moral delima.

No matter what she is your daughter. I myself was adopted..I too knew I had 2 brothers and 1 sister along with a father out in the world together..I tell you this with a sincere heart..It would kill me, literaly kill me if my mom ever said the words you said in your post..My mom use to have a saying, and I have found it to be true in my years..Anyone can be a (mother), but it takes someone special to be a (mommy). The same goes for the father roll. I had a mother, she dies giving birth to me..My father who had 3 small children to begin with felt he could not take care of me just yet..He asked his brother and sister inlaw to tkae me in till he got on his feet..That was the day I met my DADDY AND MOMMY or MAMA as I still call her to this day..I too faught them in my early years..Thinking if I went with my father maybe my life would be, I wont say better, but different..Now that I am 32 years old..Those words about mother vrs mommy and father vrs daddy are so true..You are that girls mom..GOD gave her to you for a reason and that reason is to be that girls mommy..It is the course of like God intended for you and for her..It took me many years to realize that for myself, but I did realize it and I would not trade my parents in for the world..Yes I have a father, and I do talk to him every now and then..But the first man in my life was my daddy and I thank GOD for them every day of my life.. Please let this post sink into your heart..Don't give up on your daughter..You have to remember she most likely has some esteem problems as I did..It's hard for us to understand the "why's and what if's"..Give her lots of love..That's what my mom and dad did for me..And they had 3 children biologicaly, and I never felt like I wasn't one of their own, not once in 32 years.. GOD bless and keep trying