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I've fallen in love with a little girl (just from her picture and discription and my imagination, I guess), almost 5 y/o, from Guatemala. She has been with her birth mother until one month ago and is now in a foster home. Her birth mother voluntarily chose to give her to a foster home to eventually be adopted because they were living on the street due to poverty, and her Mom is now reportedly an alcoholic.
My biggest fear of adopting an older child from everything I've read is RAD. I do have two other sweet biological children, an almost 6 y/o girl who will make a great loving big sister, and an almost 3 y/o boy. I don't want to subject them to a violent sibling, or one that requires so much extra that they will have a missing Mom. I'm certainly not expecting a super-smart well-adjusted child. But I've read some pretty scary stories that I'd also like to avoid.
I was interested in this girl because she was with her mom, not in an orphanage, during those critical bonding months/years in infancy. And I guess I'm thinking that, since her birth mother was capable of keeping her until she was almost five years old, she was likely able to care for her well enough to bond well with her when she was an infant. But I suppose she very well could have neglected her infant then? And yet, she was not forced to give up her child... the US situations don't seem to apply, because the older children who are waiting to be adopted domestically are waiting for a reason, usually neglect or abuse. Is there any material out there about the countries that allow mothers to choose not to parent their children after their children are older, how those children tend to fare?
About the alcohol, she was medically tested to be normal developmentally, and to have no physical or neurological symptoms of FAS. And as far as possible problems from hunger, she's only underweight by 3 pounds.
I've asked the placement adoption agency if they've seen any symptoms of attachment disorder, but they said they (the foster homes) haven't been good about looking for that. Are there specific questions I should ask?
Any help/advice would be appreciated!
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Only being in foster care one month, she likely wouldn't be showing any signs of RAD is she had it. What about grief, can they tell you anything in regards to that? If she is actively grieving the loss of her mom, she likely is at least somewhat attached. I'm thinking her mother must have loved her very much to try to hold on for five years and then have to let go to protect her child. She has a good chance of being attached.
That being said, there is no guarantee and what happens if she gets here and does have RAD? She also may feel some resentment towards you at first for taking her from her mother.
At five, she likely doesn't understand what is happening to her right now.
I do not advise adopting out of birth order. But, even if the child has RAD, that does not mean she will be dangerous. It will, though require a great deal of time. There are no guarantees.
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I'll ask about the grieving. That makes sense. They said something like, "she's doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances". I wonder if they think "happy and calm" are good signs. I'd think it would be a better sign if she was very upset and missing her Mom.
When you say you advise not adopting out of birth order, I was thinking I wouldn't adopt a child older than a year younger than my oldest child. I wouldn't want to usurp her oldest child place that she's used to, and I think she'll be a great oldest child setting the tone for her younger siblings since she's a pretty sweet, loving girl. But I thought it would be OK to adopt a child older than my younger son since he's already used to having an older sibling. What are the reasons for not adopting a child who is older than my youngest?
Sorry, I meant all new additions be the youngest. If an older child has a problem, the risk will be greater to the younger child. I have adopted older then my youngest, but it is more risky and younger children also imitate older siblings. If she is attached, it likely won't cause a problem. It's the unknown factor that is the issue.
My youngest two were with their bmom until they were 2 and 5. My daughter had RAD the worse, although her brother (5 yr old) is taking longer to heal. We've had a breakthrough about a month ago and since then it looks hopeful that he'll soon be meeting all his goals for therapy. It has been a LONG, HARD road. I would not have been able to do it if they had not been the youngest kids. My daughter was physically violent with all our kids. She was the youngest and could still inflict GREAT pain on them. Do not think that an older child would not hurt your baby. I wouldn't risk it. I do know some ap's who have successfully adopted older than their youngest, but I wouldn't risk it.
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I have adopted from Guatemala. The biggest problem that I have had is self esteem issues. RAD is not an issue in Guatemala!
Another consideration, figure she will be six by the time the adoption is completed. Ask what services your school system provides for ESL kids. Would they let her start Kindergarten at 6 or 7?
Have you submitted a Homestudy to this Agency? It sounds like they are only telling you the basics.
Since we don't know the amount and quality of physical and emotional care she received with her birthmother, we really cannot say if she does or does not have attachment problems. However, is she was living on the street as you say and now the mother is an alcoholic, I'd say these are very big red flags that there will be attachment issues with this child that you will have to be prepared for and take appropriate steps to remedy. I find many children from that background are sweet and superficially engaging, but without real affective ties to others; they are very good at reading others and "giving" what you want, without any authenticity.
FAS is easy to diagnose...my bigger concern is the amount, timing, and episodic nature of the mother's alcohol consumption. Fetal Alcohol Effects are insidious and often don't appear until the child is in school.
I agree with Lucy that I'd keep this child home and out of school for a while.
regards