Confused

Originally Posted By DonnaI feel that for you a semi-open would be the best. If you decide you no longer want contact with your baby or the adoptive family it is easy to do but after a closed adoption it would be almost impossible to receive information about your baby. In a semi-open you can receive pictures, letters and gifts periodically and send them too. Open adoption you will be allowed to visit your child face to face...WOW!Whatever you decided, please talk with a counselor. The counselor will be able to help you with your feeling and you can make a wiser decision.

Originally Posted By Adoptee w. a question?I have been reading up on semi and open adoptions. My question is why do birthmoms chose open? If you give the child up, why are you staying in their lives? One birthmom mentioned that birthmoms have every right to be in that childs life? I'm sure I'll get bashed for this statement, but, all that seems to me is the birthmom wants the pleasure of seeing the child, playing with it and when the going gets tough (say per teen yrs) she is free to move out of the pic & let the other parents deal with the big issues! Has any birthmom dealt with the wonderful teen yrs yet? I know that at one time in my life, whenever I got made at my mom, I used the threat..."I'm gonna go find my "real" mom!" (thank god, I did not) Any input would be appreciated! Thanks!

In a *healthy* open relationship, the threat of the kid leaving for the "real" mom most likely isn't there. The kid has no fantasies about what bmom is like or what life with her would have been like growing up. Should the teen, in fact, run away to bmom, she (bmom) would help everyone resolve the situation. Bmom would have to say, "I love you, but I'm not your 'real' mom so let's get together with her and work this out."

Originally Posted By Adoptive MomOur son's birthmother new from the beginning that OUR comfort level was a semi-open. She was in complete agreement. The first year we sent letters and photos every 2 months, after that it is twice a year until he is 18. That works for us. I truly think it must be a personal choice and all must be in agreement. For us, we are not comfortable with another peron coming in and out of his life. He will always know of the incredible sacrifice she made for him, and we will support his decision to contact her, if he so chooses as an adult.

Originally Posted By ChristineM.I am a birthmom with a semi-open adoption. And I guess to answer your question, you have to take into consideration the birthmom's situation. She may not be in a situation where she doesnt want the child. It may be a situation where she CAN'T care for the child the way that someone else is able to. I have a three year old, and I gave a child up for adoption in January. Her adoptive parents and I exchange letters and pictures evrey few months, and they have an 800 number set up so that I ( or their other child's birthmom) can call whenever we'd like. I usually call about once a month. I love my daughter, but there was no way that I was going to be able to support her with another child already. So in order to give them both a good life I chose adoption. We are all very comfortable with the semi-opened situation. I dont interfere with how they raise her, and they understand that I didn't NOT WANT my child, and that I love her with all my heart. And they will bring her up knowing that. Leaving it up to her whether or not we know each other before the "legal" age. I am very close with her adoptive mom, and since they have a four year old also, I often call her for advice. And since my first daughter is the baby's sister, the adoptive mom will call me to see if I've had a particular situation occur with my daughter. I dont think that a birthmom has "every right to be in a child's life" but I think that It is very important for a birthmom to decide what kind of adoption she wants before hand, and to make sure she get's to know the adoptive parents. Everybody has to be on the same page, and be comfortable with it. Ultimately, you are right, it will turn out to be the child's choice whether the birthmom becomes a part of their life. I dont think that decission should be made out of anger. It should be a decision based on your life and your need to grow. But most importantly, you should have compassion for all parties involved, and be willing to keep a relationship with the parent that you seeked out. I couldn't imagine anything more crushing than to be force to go through the adoption all over again years later. Thanks for your time. And I hope I said at least something that helped answer your question.

Originally Posted By Edna powderI am a birthmother and wish i had contact with my daughter. Only birthmothers know the horror we live with, not being able to check on our child. I recently read a book on adoption where a boy had been given up for adoption at birth and later given up by his adoptive parents, most of his life he spent in and out of foster homes. Social workers refused to find his birth mother throughout his teenage life.When he finnally did find her as an adult he also found that she had been searching for him. This bmother was devastated to find out she had given up her first born son to a life of foster homes.It is for this reason that contact has to be keep with the birthmothers and closed adoption be gotten rid of.there are also many adoptees who have abused by there adoptive parents, this could be prevented through a very open adoption system.

Originally Posted By SusanThat is a horror story. Fortunantly I believe most adoptive couples are loving parents that take good care of the children they are entrusted with to raise.I am an adoptive parent and I often have people comment on how happy he seems. His smile lights up the whole room. I would be willing to share pictures with his birthmother, but she no longer wishes contact.

Originally Posted By jamieiwas married had a baby and got divorced by the age of twenty one, at 23 i had a baby with my boyfriend(stupid i know)he wanted me to abort and i loved my baby as soon as i knew i was pg.since i was poor and he wouldnt help me in any way(i still wasnt receiving child support from x husband)i placed for adoption.it hurts me so much that people cant figure out that birthmoms love their babies and would do anything for them,even give them up if they thought it was better for them.i am in pain daily because i feel like i am missing a part of me. i wish u knew how much your birthmom probably does love you!!!give me any teenage years,lost sleep,or any other hard parenting issue,that isnt why i chose adopt.i didnt want a daycare to raise her or her to be fatherless.i feel sorry for your birthmom cause if my birthdaughter said she is glad not to know me i would die!

Originally Posted By Christine M.I agree and I hope that you are strong for your first child. I had a friend who was adopted, and grew up abused. He blamed his birthmother for giving him up. I personally think that any one who would think that way is a very selfish individual. A childs birthmother gave them up so that they could have a better life. They also gave the adoptive parents a gift of life that they could not make. And if they are not thankful enough to make sure that their child respects and loves their birthmother for what she gave him or her, then as far as Im concerned they shouldn't have adopted in the first place.

Originally Posted By I'm the adoptee that posted that!Thanks for all the responses. It made the whole picture a little clearer to me! I am still confused on if I want naything to do with my birthmom....all this is so frightening! My blessings to all!

Originally Posted By Brenda RomanchikOpen adoption benefits everyone, most especially the child. Birthmoms in open adoptions do not undermine the adoptive parents and the child know who is parenting them. For more on this there is an article called What is Open Adoption? on my web site at

Originally Posted By hilarywhat if your birthmoms comfort level was very uncomfortable with that amount of contact because she didnt realize how horrible it would be to lose a child. and she still wanted you to raise the child but wanted to be a freind of the family and visit a couple times ayear,so that she would not be in hell for 18 years,then what would you do,out of curiosity?i do know that if you really didnt want visits and you did it anyway,resentment would probably build.if you didnt wouldnt resentment from the birthmom build if she asked and you said no.just curious of your opinion.

Originally Posted By a momI have read alot of your posts and you are truely a wonderful bmom with your babys best interest at heart. I'm sorry that we couldn't have had the same situation but my daughters bmom is so unlike you. She does not want to be involved in any way and that is the best thing for our daughter. She would not be a good person to lean on nor a good influence. We have a semi open adoption.

Originally Posted By GI believe in open adoption. My reasons for believing in it are so the child knows his birth family, knows where he/she came from, knows his/her history. I can't imagine not knowing that about myself so I would not want to do that to my adoptive child. I don't know that I the birth parent's position is to be someone to go to other than their adoptive parents. I agree it is a good thing if a child has an adult they can trust in addition to their parents and if that is how the relationship ends up working, ok. But the purpose of the birth parent in the child's life is for other reasons. Just my opinion.

Originally Posted By To anonymousThat was a very lovely sentiment...I am however not Teresa....The very best to youAn Adoptee