10 years too late, please help

Hi, If you don't feel a loss, then don't worry about grieving. If you don't feel like its a loss to you, then what is the problem. I searched and found that my b/mom had died before I found her. I felt sad that I would never get to talk to her. Hear her voice, or hear her laugh. See her reaction to seeing me, and I her. Joan

I am so sorry that your search came to this tragic end. I have really been thinking about your question. You never knew her, and you never will know her directly. Would it be possible to know about her through her immediate family? If she cannot be there with you, does she have a mom, dad, sister or brother that would spend the time with you, and help you get to know her, answer your questions? Grief can come in your time, but I think it would be so helpful for you to at least know her through her family and friends. What an amazing gift they could give to her, by being there for you, and by helping you to resolve your questions, and to bring her love to you through them. This must be difficult beyond expression. I hope that if my words and suggestions are not what you are looking for, that someone else here is able to bring you the peace that you seek. You and your family are in my prayers.

Donna and LeeAnn, excellent posts. To the original poster: This is a huge fear I have, I am sorry to hear of the loss of your BMom. Take Care and I wish you well. I hope that you can find some of your birth relatives. ~Julie

Dear Cornish, Know what your going through, found my bio-mom a few months ago through a search angel and found at the same time that she died in 97. I went to work the next morning as if nothing had happend cuz I felt like I did'nt have the right to grieve someone that I never knew. Of course I fell apart. I'm not sure if I'm grieving the loss of her or the loss of my dream to some day find her. Which ever..... I went through a grief process of some sort. In desperation I got on line an hunted for an adoption search chat and ended up here. What a life saver. The people here are the only ones who understand. I found out at the same time that I have some half siblings out there. I could'nt deal with it at the time and took a break from searching but now I'm back at it. I seem to have found some comfort in learning my mother's name and the fact that she gave me (the only one of her children) her middle name. My recent searching has turned up some more bad news. One of my half sister's died in 96 at the age of 29. I got the obits on her and my mother's husband and they sent along a clipping that told how my mother was in a car with my living half sister, who was on drugs when she hit a parked car. Talk about some major emotional swings on that one! Seem to have hit a dead end on finding siblings. I've made so many phone calls just to hear..."no my middle names_____" or "never heard of them." I always thought that finding the old info would be the most difficult but the more recent stuff seems to be harder. I have a great sense of urgency since so many of my family has passed away I don't know if you wanted to know all this but I hope it helps, it helps me to share it......just feel what you feel and remember this to shall pass!

How and why to grieve. We are all different. I searched from 18 to 32 years old to find out that my birth mother died when I was just over one. Why grieve, because I love the woman who gave me my life even tough she gave me up. That could not have been an easy decision or an easy thing to do. How do I grieve, hard to say since I'm still in the middle of it. Just know that we are all different and to just deal with it the best you can. And don't feel guilty if you are not dealing with it the way other people think you should. I cried like a baby the day I found out and that really threw my husband for a loop at first. I had a connection with her and lost a part of her even if we didn't get to meet. Best of luck to you. W

Hi I am so sorry that your bmom passed away before you found her. That happened to me too. I had always felt that she lived in my heart and to find out that I would never be able to give her a hug, to talk to her, to tell her that I loved her was very, very sad to me. I did grieve for her as if I had "known" her. I have reunited with my many brothers and sisters and they have told me so much about her and given me pictures and even a stuffed animal that belonged to her. You can learn so much about your bmom from her friends and family. And in the process I learned about myself too. Everyone is unique. Everyone grieves in their own way. It may not be a crying type of grieving, only a sadness that you will never get to meet her face to face. I wish you much happiness in your reunion with your bfamily. Snuffie

Hi, I am sorry for your loss. I too searched and found my b/mom passed away from cancer. I only missed her by 2.5 yrs. Had I had the info I could have had, I would have found her alive. There is a board called foundandlost@yahoo.com Started by people who searched and found their loved ones dead. They are a nice group of people there. Its knowing we will never hear their voice, or hug them, or learn to know them, that is such a void to us. I did find it wonderful to receive pic's of my b/mom. I enlarged the pic to 5x7 and put it in a nice frame. Sometimes I talk to my mom. And now as I talk about it, I cry too. Again, I am sorry for your loss. you can always write me at joan85032@yahoo.com sincerely, Joan

Hello Cornish- I too searched (years) and found out several years ago that my birthmother had passed away also. I mourned the "fact" that I would never get to meet her, that she would never get to see me, and that I may never know who my birth father is/was. Which has proven to be the case. With her name however I was able to pull her obit. and there found the names of her other children and her brothers. I contacted them and have been IN with my half sister, but she does not know who my birth father was/is. Now I am mourning again the "fact" that I will never even know his name. The fact that you searched a part of you did want some type of anwer, whys, medical, who you look like, something anything. Don't give up if you want to know more, you can find out a lot from others, it was good to hear others talk about her and connect with our likes and dislikes. Good Luck Robbie

i have found that both of my birth parents have passed i too look for ways to mourn they are both buried out of state so going to grave site is not an option. i have such a lost i do not know where to turn cg

CG So sorry to hear that both your bio parents have passed away. I too found out that my birth mother passed away severl years before I was able to locate her. And she has taken the identiy of my birth father to the grave with her. I was however able to locate my half sister and brother. This will never take the place of seeing her for myself, but at least I now have some pictures of her and through her daughter have realized where I get so many of my traits. I have not yet met my half sister, we are arranging that to take place in the next several weeks, we have been talking via IM for many months now just getting to know one another. Do you have any half sibilings?? if you don't know try to pull the obituary for their death and if they did have other children they will be listed as well as aunts and uncles. It will never take the place of meeting them face to face but it does help. Rob

Hi, for all of you that have searched and found your family members have passed on......There is a board that is called found and lost [url]http://groups.yahoo.com/group/foundandlostsupport[/url] They all have searched and found their loved ones have died. I used to be in there. I lost my b/mom before I searched and found her. The grieving is very important. Unfortunetly, most others that are not part of the triad will not understand. In fact, even those who are can't always understand the loss we feel, from searching and then never being able to hear their voice or ask them questions. Or learn more about them from them. Please give this group a chance. yes there are birthparents on there that searched and found some of their children died in childhood. sincerely, Joan

I can fully relate to your feelings and those of the others in this thread. About a week ago I connected with my b-siblings for the first time. I discovered that both my b-parents died (Dad died 35 years ago and Mum died 20 years ago) of poverty and hardship and that my 4 siblings were also adopted out when my b-father died. I feel sadness over their sad lives. Grief over not having the opportunity to reconnect and hug my b-parents, to hear their voices. So many questions left unanswered by them. My brain is saying, "How can you be so sad over someone you hardly knew?", "You have such a loving adopted family", but my heart and my tears are saying that I still mourn the loss of my b-parents. It's a profoundly painful experience and my heart goes out to you and the others. The other thing that's hard is that a lot of people around me are celebrating the discovery of my b-siblings. But the post-reunion in all its emotional impact, is further intensified by the grief and loss over digesting the fact that the people who mattered the most to me as an infant, are now well and truly gone from this earth - even though it was decades ago. I function OK in daily work but cry almost every night. The good news is that I've found a local post-adoption support organisation and that I have supportive family/friends nearby.

Hi, you do have to grieve over the loss of your parents. I did too. As long as you share your feelings with people that understand, you'll be okay. I never tried to explain my grief or loss to others. They wouldn't be kind, and understand. So its okay to feel that loss. Its not unusual at all. I am sorry for your loss. Sincerely, Joan

Thanks, Joan1be,It's good to keep in mind that some will understand this kind of grief and others won't. I still feel rather pissed off that some still think that post-reunion is just a happy scenario that one quickly gets over and simply moves on. How glib! Again, I'm so grateful for this forum and particularly this sub-group for recognising what I'm going through.

Ripples & Cornish, I'm so sorry for the emotions and hard times you must be going through. I don't know where you're coming from or what this must be like, but I can only imagine how hard it would be. There's another adoptee on this website who I believe when she found both her bparents they were both deceased so I'm posting a link to her thread here on this website where's she's shared her story and emotions she's gone through. Maybe it will help or you can maybe talk with her and she can give you some more support and help as she's gone through grieving the loss of a bparent she never met/knew. So, here's the link to her thread [url="http://forums.adoption.com/showthread.php?t=95815&page=3&pp=15"]http://forums.adoption.com/showthread.php?t=95815&page=3&pp=15[/url], I hope that helps. You'll be in my prayers. God Bless Anne