how to help my a/daughter cope w/ having older & younger sibs who are w/ bparents

Maybe you can talk to the dirth mom and try to find a solution together.

Our Foster daughter (hopefully soon to be adopted) is 15 and the oldest of 6 kids by her bio mom.. she is the only one without contact with her bio mom although non of the kids live with her.. britt is 15 and lives with us and was having phone calls with her bio mom but she never seemd to have time to talk to Britt.. Her next sister is adopted by another family, but has visits and calls whenever she wants with bio mom - she this sister is really bonded to a-family so does not want much conatc with bio -mom next oldest - brother is in foster care with Grandparents and does not have contact with bio mom at the request of grandparents.. the next 3 kids all see bio mom daily but live with bio dad (there were three differtn dad's in this case).. Britt has been very jealous of her bio mom having more kids after the oldest 3 got placed.. espeically since the oldest 3 got placed while the bio mom was still have kids.. eventually the 3 husband left her and took his 3 kids with him.. but bio mom see' them everyday and has a relationship with them that makes Britt jealous.. she wants to know why bio mom wants to have a relationship with them and not her.. All you can do is be supportive and try to focus your child on positive things.. but also acknoledge her pain.. I oftern just sit and agree with her that it is unfair, that is ok for her to be sad.. but then I also do not let her "wallow" in the sadness.. It has also helped that we have her in therapy and have also asked her to write letters to bio mom expressing her feelings and thoughts.. some of them she sends and others she does not. I guess what I am saying is that sometimes we cannot stop the pain.. but rather we can help our kids with how to deal with pain and learn to live thru it.. Hope this helps.. mandy

dear mandy, thank you for sharing your situation and what you are doing to help your daughter. you gave me a lot to think on and pray about and i really appreciate it. let me ask you this too: how do you bring this up with Britt? my daugher is very sensitive and closed about anything having to do with her adoption most of the time. i try to be very sensitive and respect her wishes. BUT i know my girl and i can tell this eats at her sometimes. what has your experience been on this? do you wait or do you bring it up? Katie is in therapy but i don't think this comes up much.the therapist is aware of it though and she works with adopted kids a good bit. anyways....Thank you and God Bless! i hope we can talk some more. I LOVE this forum, can't believe i only recently found it, it really helps! margaret, proud mother of Katherine B and proud daughter of Katherine H. Romans 8:28

My oldest 2 children (sons)were born in 1987 and 1988, when I was 18 & 19, and were placed in 1989....I was 22. I now have 2 bio daughters who have always known about their older brothers, and who just got to meet them the day after Christmas for the 1st time. They all love one another. My girls were born in 1991 & 1992 when I was 24 & 25. The boys know that my life when they were little was not conductive to healthy children, and that I gave them up because I loved them, and still love them, and I wanted them to have a tremendiously better life than what I could offer them in 1989. Do I regret giving them up? Yes and no...yes because I missed so much of their lives, but no because there is no way that I could have provided everything they deserved. Hope this helps....you can email me at: robin_marks99@yahoo.com if I can be of any more help. The best of luck to you and Katie:)

you have said that you regret telling your daughter about her younger sister about 2 years ago. i can imagine that it wasn't easy for you to do that. i know that if i found out that my b-mum had kept a child after giving me up i wouldn't be happy at all your daughter will come around in the mean time just show her that you love her thats all you can do don't try to explain why her b-mum might have done this if she ever decides to question her b-mum it might just show her that what she has compared to what could have been is better than she thought. sorry if this doesn't help

sometimes for what ever reason a parent decides to hide something from there child it's not fair but you do at the time what you think is best. it really depends on what your hiding and why. I can say with confidence that there are somethings you may want to hide untill your child is older all i can say is that i hope your ready when they do find out.Incase you hadn't noticed adoptive children are very cluded into whats going on around them and if we get a feeling that our parents are hiding something we don't ever let you forget it sorry people thats just the way it is .:)

I was also adopted out at birth. My a-mom made it very plain that my b-mom preferred my older sister to me. I was very resentful of both my b-sister & b-mom growing up. Probably due to the way I was told about them. My a-mom basically badmouthed my b-mom, saying she had an affair & I was the result, so I was an illegitate kid (my sister wasn't of course), even if I did have 2 parents & a last name. (My thinking actually...those were not the words my a-mom would say, but I got the message loud & clear that I was nothing more than a bastard child. Adoption could not/would not change my tainted bloodlines.) Love & encouragement were not part of my childhood. Anyway, I guess it's all in the way you learn about your bio-history. Obviously, my a-parents were quite ignorant & most of the time didn't put thought into action before they opened their mouths. I think they enjoyed hurting me on purpose...it seemed to be their main mission, to make my life as miserable as possible. (I have come to the conclusion that they are both miserable unhappy people, who want others to co-miserate with them & I refuse to live in their world & be part of their inner-circle.) I think it is possible for an adopted child to be ok with b-mom keeping other children. It's all in the presentation. Had my a-mom made things more positive, & did not make me out to be a rejected freak, I'm sure I would have been ok with knowing I had an older sister. I have met my b-mom, & b-sister. She hates me, & says I lived like a debutant, & that I think I'm better than her. Funny that the tables have turned completely. Nothing could be further from the truth. My life was more like Cinderella without the ball & handsome prince. But instead of 2 evil step sisters, I had 2 evil parents who resented my intrusion into their lives even though I never asked to be a part of their world. Newborns can't talk, let alone tell anyone what they want in so many words. My sister obviously has issues too. I know her step-dad was an alcohloic who made her life difficult too. I have not discussed my a-parents with her. My relationship with my sister never was able to progress that far. She shut it down before it could start. Didn't help her that b-mom kept me a secret until my sister was nearly 30. I also have a younger 1/2 brother who has had no problem with my existance. Neither of us knew about the other until we were adults. Haven't spoken to any of them for a long time though...due to a very difficult & messy divorce. I guess I didn't want to add my troubles to their lives. Moral of my story: Be very careful how you tell someone they have other siblings who were not given up for adoption, or the adopted child could grow up feeling like an unwanted freak. My parents might as well have branded my forehead with "reject," & I felt like the whole world knew no one wanted me.

Hi,My beautiful baby daughter, also has siblings that live with her birthparents. In fact, all 3 older siblings are full blooded. My daughter is the youngest sibling. She was relinquished by her birthparents for a number of reasons. The main one being that they had been homeless for a number of years. They had no money, no place to live and certainly no way to take care of another mouth to feed. They were also in constant threat/fear of losing their 3 other children to the state (california). I am so grateful to her birthmom for having the strength and fortitude to choose an adoption plan for her baby. Although she loves her baby with all of her heart, she wanted to give her the best chance for a good and happy life. She knew they had nothing to give but to find a family who would be able to. I am happy to say that we are in an open adoption. My daughter lives in a nice cozy house, warm and comfortable crib, wears designer clothes, has a zillion toys...a doting big brother, but most importantly is WANTED, LOVED ,LOVED, LOVED and CHERISHED enough to fill the universe. I definetly think as she gets older and these questions of "why was she given up and not them..." can be explained in a sensitive, loving manner.