New with questions please!!

Hi, J&S, I am an adopted child. I was taken from my bparents and adopted to an abusive family who did not know how to treat an adopted child. Adopting can be good or bad. Do not take it personally if the child feels lost or confused. I do not think it would matter if you adopted two or one child. I do suggest that if the achild has a b-brother or sister that you take them both. I wish I could meet my sister it would really help with my personal identity. I also recomend that you be open and supportive if the child would like to meet the birth family. Help them in their journey. You will be mom and dad no matter what, especially if you are there to support them when they feel lost. Do not change their name, it would truly take away their sense of identity. let them find this station when they are older if they need more support. Good luck on your journey, and please excuse any miss spelled words I am not the best at spelling. Leslie

In my family that I grew up with, all 4 of us were all adopted but we all have different b-parents. We were all loved and treated the same in my memories. The stigma came from our 'cousins'. We knew we were adopted and had our own comradery when those times arose. We all know that kids can be mean and insensitive and as adoptees I think we looked for differences just as birth children/parents look for similarities. So a lot of is just the way it is. Remember to be honest with yourself and your children about all aspects. Giving them a piece of their past would be helpful too. Trusting people and getting close to people is difficult for me to do, that seems to be common for adoptees. When things get difficult (and they will-I have 4 b-children, this is true to all parenting) they will try to be hurtful and say things they don't mean. Be strong, be silent and hug them even if they don't want it. You're not telling them how to feel you're just showing them how you feel. Sometimes words are not enough. I wish you all the best. Linda

I read this post a couple of days ago, when it was first posted. I took a couple of days to think about my feelings on the subject. My Godparents adopted an infant, to find out the day it was final that they were pregnant. Years later, they had 4 girls..the first adopted and 3 bio children. The girls are all grown up now, and all are very close. Deb does not doubt that she belonged and that she fit, and I credit the family dynamics for that! I am also an adoptee...placed with my adoptive family just before turning 2. I was seperated from a birth sister, 10m my junior, and placed with a family who had previously adopted an infant, who was now 4 years old, and now my "big brother". I never felt a part of the family and the isolation was immediate for me. I firmly believe that my aparents were not equipted to handle me with all my baggage. As an adult the pieces have fallen as they have, and this is the second christmas I will spend estranged from my afamily. My point in sharing these two stories is this: It's up to you and your husband to set the tone of your family...however it is put together. I'm a pretty big Dr. Phil fan and believe with the proper tools, any blended family can be a phenominal family. I admire and respect you for taking to "think this through". Best wishes in whatever decision you make! :p

I am a reunited adoptee. I grew up in a family with 2 biological males and 2 adopted females. I was the youngest. I am also a parent 3 times over. I think regardless of the biology of a child, there is always a chance the child will be insecure about something. Everybody at one time feels insecure about something. This can't be avoided. My parents treated us all the same, almost to a fault. Biology was not a factor (not in their eyes). Therefore the topic of adoption was never brought up. My parents never talk to me about having been somewhere before I was with them. As a result, I felt like I had been found under a rock. Really. I knew I was adopted, because my sister told me, but no one ever talked to me about it, so I got the impression it was not to be brought up. So I never asked anything. This gave my parents the impression that I had no questions...not so. So I ended up like most adoptees, searching in secret, so as not to hurt my parents. I'm a firm believer in balance. I wish my parents had let me know in one way or another that it was ok to have questions. Don't bombarde them with info, but don't wait for your child to bring it up either. It helps if the adoptive parents have some info on the birthparents, maybe even a picture. So if/when the child ask, you can honestly, openly answer their questions. And never try to make your kid's feel quilty for having questions. This is an environment that can not handle quilt, it will contaminate everything. And when/if your child decides to search, keep in mind, that it has nothing to do with you or the type of parents you were. Searching is an entirely personal thing. That's what I could not make my mom understand, it had nothing to do with her, it was all about me, no one else. Just me. And I would love her no matter what I found, it would not change anything between us. I think she was insecure about the parenting job she did, so she transferred that quilt to me and I have struggled with this. Then one day I realized, that I have nothing to feel quilty about. That was her quilt not mine. I could not love my parents any more than I already do and there is not a drop of biological blood in me. I hope this helps. Tricia

I'm glad you are considering adoption--it is a wonderful experience. I don't think it matters whether the adopted child comes before or after a biological child. My brother and his wife adopted due to infertility and later were able to conceive a biological child. I am also the parent of an adopted child and hoping to adopt another child soon. What helps is that our entire family-- aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins--makes no distinction between the adopted children and the biological children. It might help to prepare the rest of your family as well--discussing your decision with them. Don't be surprised if some of the extended family have reservations regarding your decision. At first my father was very negative regarding my brother and his wife going to Russia to adopt--"What were they thinking?" But when HIS grandson came home--he was the proudest grandfather ever. Same goes when we adopted our daughter--he was reserved at first (we were taking a legal risk placement)--but now he spoils her terribly. I hope it works out--just remember it doesn't matter how the children come into your family --but how you treat them once they are yours.

Hi, I'm an adoptee. I grew up with one brother, also an adoptee and not my b-brother. My husband and I have one b-son together and my husband also has two adult adopted children (also not biologically related) from his first marriage. Got all that? ;) I think it's great that you want to adopt a child for a reason other than being infertile. My a-parents adopted because of infertility and I think they tried too hard to raise us "as their own". I'll repeat a very important point that's been raised here already: don't try to ignore the fact that the child is adopted. Yes, include the child in every aspect of your family life, but be open with the child about the adoption also. I was in one of those families where we rarely talked about it. I think if we had talked about it more I would have felt better because it was like I was always part of this big secret, and that made me different. Also, I agree that your extended family would really need to be in on this as well. They would have to understand also how important it is to respect the adoptee's birth history. I don't think that having a biological child will necessarily be a bad thing for the adopted child, as long as you are equally open with both about discussing family topics and always allow the adopted child to talk about his own heritage. My husband and I make sure that we talk with our son about his brother and sister being adopted and about his mother being adopted. We've read books to him about all the different types of families that exist, so that he'll understand that although his family makeup may be unique, his is just as much a real family as anyone else's. We allow him to ask any question he wants and we always answer honestly. (He's three. Sometimes he asks me who my mommy is and I tell him I have two mommies - one who's belly I was in and another one who took care of me when I was little. We keep it simple, but we never lie.) And really, I think that last part is the key. Never lie. And always love. I think you can make it work if you're strong enough to do those two things. Good luck to you in making your decision.

Please note that in my previous post I was not intending to recommend any product. I have no idea where that blue, underlined thing came from!!

The blue underline is something the forum puts in based upon key words or phrases, I find it offensive :) and a pointless way to try and make a buck off of people's posts. Make a sidebar and put the advertisement there, this way it seems like it could be our words or idea to recommend something when it isn't.