Walking Through the pain.

I think we disconnect to protect ourselves..This is such a hard thing to do.. Such an act of sacrifice. You are giving the baby life and you are making sure that baby is okay.. (as well as you humanely can) I knew I was supposed to give my son up.. I knew it on a gut level.. But that did not stop the grief process.. Maybe your grief process is starting now with this worry of the disconnection.. You still grieve your loss..That took me a very long time to learn.. There are some great women here who have just recently relinquished.. They are talking about what they are going through in an incredibly honest way.. Stay with us.. Jackie

Mel, I would hesitate to quess that you are feeling dissconnected because inside you know what it does entail to go though placment. It's probably a defense mechanism..the less you are connected the easier it "will" be to let the baby go. I did, however, put the "will" in quotes, because I don't beleive that it would be any easier, just buried deeper, so it might seem easier in the beginning, but have more damage in the long run. I definatly agree that we must truly grieve for the loss of our children. Even if they are in a wonderful place, living a wonderful life..they are still not with us and we have lost something and it does hurt. Can it be that because you are angry at yourself that you are not allowing yourself to feel any happiness? Like a self inflicted punishment? If you are angry at yourself for being in the same place, then it could be transferring into that you do not deserve to have this child or worthy enough to mother him/her. During my last pregnancy, I frequently thought to myself that I had no business having another baby and I, too, felt no true connection or joy due to stress and worry. I can tell you now, this child brings me more joy..sometimes during a bad day, he is my only pure joy. There are times that the only thing that shines in my day is the sweetness of this boy and I am ashamed that I ever doubted the love that I have for him or his appropriatness in our lives. How possible would it be to parent this new baby instead of going down a path that does wittle away at your worth? Will you feel better about yourself for being in a place where you place you child or feel better because you rose to the challange? I'm sorry, but I just hate seeing anyone have to go though it..especially again. There are sooo many other ways to get help and keep you child. claud

Thanks for all your support. At the moment I am raising a five year old girl, and barely keeping it together. I love my daughter, and the life that we have, and I grieve everyday for the placement of my first child, but I was 15. No way could I raise a child at that age. Now, raising my daughter I find great joy and sorrow in things as simple as tucking her in to bed at night and getting her ready for school. Everyday my daughter makes me realize what I have lost, and greatful for what I now have. Being pregnant again, the idea of raising another child alone scares me. I don't think I could be even an OK mother to two, where I am a great, if struggling, single mother to one. I agree that I am prob distancing myself in a defensive type of way, but again, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt in saying this, but I don't really want another child. I know that if it was what I wanted that everythingelse would fall into place, but at the end of the day, I had a great placement for my first daughter, and although the experience was tragic and crushing in many ways, and I have many regrets, I rarely go to bed thinking that I should have kept her. I was hoping that without the "girlish childhood dreams" of playing house, and knowing what both adoptiona and raising a child entails, this time would be less tramatic. I think nothing makes this process easier, even the passage of time. There is no real getting beyond it, because no matter how long ago, or what the circumstances are, many of us will be facing our bchildren 20 years or more down the road. Any healing I kid myself into thinking I've undergone, I know will be washed away by looking into my daughter's face when she comes, and now this one (sex tbd).

I hate to say it, but .... I would think that it would be even more trumatic this time..since you do know what it means and you know know what you are losing. At 15..it's much more idealistic and there is so much less control, and much easier to say that you can't do it. I think it's normal to be scared. It's the doubts about our own abilities that really do etch away at our reasoning. A great mom to one..just becomes a great mom to two. The kind of mother that you are doesn't change..just the number of children. I am always amazed at the way things just morph....like you can't imagine how in the world you are gonna manage to pull something off, and you worry and freak out, but then..you just jump in and do it..and it just becomes and is..and it works. I had my last 2 within 20 months of each other and was petrified of how I could deal with an infant and a 2 year old at the same time...and somehow it just all happened. I adapted to what needed to be done and granted, sometimes I wanted to pull out my hair and cursed myself for getting into this situation, but I wouldn't change it for anything. Would life be manageable..even if hard, with a new baby? Instead of taking this time to mentally separate, couldn't you use it to make the support system ready for yourself and plan for it all. Dream the possible?

Facing my bson was healing.. It was closure.. He helped me with my guilt.. I don't think there are very many adoptees who blame.. Who actually say.. "How could you do this?" My bson was just fine with my decision.. Recently (on the phone) we talked about when I got pregnant with him.. I told him about how I left Boston right a way and went home to my parents.. (I was 22 at that time) We laughed about the job I had.. (Santa land) It was a familiar thing.. He understood.. Jackie

Well now that the nasty holidays are gone... I too have had to place more than one child for adoption. It boiled down to this. Could I care for the child the way in which the child needed and deserved? Could I be the mother he needed? Would he suffer as a result of my not wanting to admit a faliure on my part? Was I so proud that I could not ask for help? Could I raise this child and be fair to myself? I asked myself those questions in that order. I only looked at my role in it last. It wasn't about me. It was about an innocent child. That is what I could not loose sight of. I have had to place three children as a direct result of my mistakes. However I still maintain, knowing now what I know about my life, at least I didn't drag my kids through hell with me. I have had to go through it alone, sometimes I have felt so alone I thought I would die. Yet somewhere in the void I know that I did something right. That I may have made many mistakes in my life but there are three choices I made that were right. I have three children who are leading happy, healthy, purposeful, free of trauma inflicted by me, lives. I know a few things about human behavior, and I belive this. I did not know how to be a mother, I didn't have one to show me how. I was taught only pain and suffering, not love and discipline. I was taught to hit, not to hug. I was taught yell not to speak. I was taught by what was done to me. I did not wish the same for my children. I wanted a better life for them and I was able to do that by letting go of them. Was I disconnected at the time? Hell yes I was! I couldn't have done it otherwise. I knew what laid ahead of me, I knew I would give birth then have to give him up. When the time came, I felt so right about my choice that I did not even cry. Sometimes I feel guilty that I didn't cry but I have cried for him many times. It was just that at that moment when it came time for me to let him go, I found enough strength in my choice for him that I did not cry. Is there hope for you? Hell yes there is. It's just that sometimes you have to walk through the pain to get to the other side. Some days it's all I could do just to breathe in and out all day. To put one foot in front of the other was almost impossible. But when the time came, I knew what the right choice was. I had only to do it.

Thanks. I really appriciate the feedback.

Mel, your recent post about asking yourself the questions about parenting and then putting yourself last is something I wish all women thinking about placing would think about. You hit it exactly on the head, their needs come first, not our feelings. We have to look at the facts and again do what is best for the baby, not being selfish and just because we gave birth means we have to raise this child. I wish more women would think like you. It doesn't matter how many children you place-1, 2 or 10, you are making the best choices for them from being strong enough and smart enough to realize you can not care for them as they should be cared for. No-it does not take away the pain and grief, but just knowing they are safe and being loved by a family that is ready for them helps to remind us that we did the right thing. I am a birthmom and support you 100%, never feel guilty that you "don't want another baby", thank God you are being honest with yourself. Take Care. Teresa

But I do feel guilty. I feel worse about that than the idea of placement. Everyone that I have spoken to (including my therapist) thinks that there is something very wrong with me for not wanting another child. I keep getting "Why not, don't you like being a mom?" and the truth is I LOVE it. Love my daughter, but have no desire to raise another child alone. Thank you for telling me that it's OK not to want to do it again. It means alot to know that I am not a terrible mother for not wanting to parent again.

Mel, I am very surprised that your therapist is reacting that way to you. You need to do what is best for you and forget all the other people that have their own opinions. I have no doubt that you love your daughter and that you are a wonderful mom. You know your limits and know what you want, which is more than most people in this world know. People think they have to do what others tell them and are afraid to trust their own instincts. Let me know how you are doing. Teresa

Mel, ... I think you have an absolute right to do what you think is best in the situation you are in.. You are the one who is going to have to live with the choice you make.. I know I made the right choice to relinquish my son in 1965. Well a choice that was not much as a choice.. Similar to what you are facing.. I knew I could not do right for my child in the situation and society I was living in. Jackie

It Totally Drives Me Nuts That Everytime I Walk Into Work Or See Clients Or See Anyone I Know They Always Ask Me How The Baby Is. (everyone Thinks That I Am Doing A Surrogate Pregnancy, Just To Ease Questions At Work) I Want To Scream At Them. I Know Peopl1e Think That They Are Being Nice, But.... I Just Feel ... I Wish They Would Leave Me Alone. I Recently Met A Woman With A 7 Year Old Adopted Daughter, Who Is Asking Alot Of Questions About Her B Mom, Abd This Woman Starts Questioning How I Feel When I Think Back Or Do I Even. Shetold Me How Hurt She Was That Her Daughter Told Her That She Was Her Pretend Mom.... I Kept Thinking That Although I Hope That My Older Daughter Is In A Loving Home And I Hope That This Child Is Placed In A Loving Home, Its Nice To Know That Kids At Certain Points (the Ones That Know They Adopted) Still Think Of Thier B Moms Too. This Woman Wanted Me To Condemn Her Daughter To Her, And It Was The First Tim Ive Ever Heard An Adoptive Parent Speak Negatively About The B Mom That Handed Them Thier Child. She Was So Mean. And She Knew That I Am A Soon To Be 2nd Time B Mom. I Guess Maybe She Wanted Me To Condemn Her Daughter And Her B Mom, But I Really Just Wanted To Kill Her. She Doesn't Know A **** Thing About Her Daughters B Mom Or Me, But Went Off On Some Slut Who Didnt Want Her Kid, And Thank God She Did... Then Proceeded To Tell Me How Most B Moms Are The Same. My Mom Wont Talk To Me About This Child That I Am Placing. She Will Talk To Me About The 1st One, And Will Listen To Me When I Need To Talk, But Even When I Ask Or Even Beg, She Wont Give Me Input...outside Of My Negative Therapist (i Think I Should Replace Her..) She Is The Only Other Person That Knows Everything. All The Circumstancing Regarding The Pregnancy, Everything. I Know She Doesnt Want To Hurt Me, But She With Holds Her Thoughts... Thanks For Listening...

Mel, I was so shocked to hear how you have been treated. This amom is just plain ignorant and that's about all you can say about her without using profanity. Don't let one ignorant human being affect you. I know that is easy to say. I as a bmom met a lot of idiotic people too. They are the ones uncomfortable with the whole adoption thing, when I am open and talk about my bdaughter, they squirm and don't know how to act. It's their problem. You can only be treated badly if you allow people to treat you badly. As far as your therapist you know what you need to do as far as your therapist. And I assumed that therapist weren't there to tell you what to do? They are there to give you suggestions/counseling to help you make your own decisions but help you with all of the options? Has something changed in this profession? As far as your mom goes, it sounds like she is in denial and has no idea how to talk to you, so she is just shutting down. You can't make her talk or make her recognize that you need her support in this time in your life. I do hope you have some other type of support system because the one you have now sure doesn't look too positive. Stay strong and keep writing-you've got all of us to talk to. Teresa

Teresa, Thanks. I think I finally beagan to sleep again a few days ago. My mom seems to be doing a little better day by day. She went shopping with me for clothes and we talked over dinner. She just keeps telling me that she would rather just listen when I need to talk than to say the wrong thing to me. She also said that although she really wishes I hadchosen to have an abortion, She thinks that I am doing the best thing of the 2 options left. Thankfully she didnt offer to take the baby until I thought I could manage, and she finally agreed to take my daughter away the week the baby is born. She seems to be looking forward to some one onone time with the two of them, but she said she feels like a bad mother for leaving me when Im going to be in the hospital... (SHE FEELS LIKE A BAD MOM???) I guess its just a parent thing. Been sleeping better since that conversation. Ive been avoiding people that seem to feed off the negative.

Mel, I am so happy that your mom is opening up to you. There is something about us needing our moms in times like these. Her taking your daughter I think is a great thing. You will need to focus and it sounds like those two will have some real bonding time. You haven't mentioned if you have a friend that will be with you through all of this. I hope youdo. I'm glad you're sleeping better. You hadn't mentioned before (unless I missed it) when you are due. Take Care, Teresa