To love two mothers? Please explain why not!

nugget, It hurts more to be lied to than to have honesty. It would have hurt more if my daughter kept secrets about her situation than for me to know and decide how to handle things. I would have felt so deceived. I cherish honesty. Do you have any idea why your parents would keep such secrets? Do you think they did it out of love and to protect you for whatever reason? Or do you think they did it on purpose to hurt you? Or perhaps their fears made them decide on their choice? Just thinking of my parents and my husband who didn't want me to bring up adoption issues with my girls out of fear it would cause emotions that weren't there. I chose honesty cause I couldn't live a lie. My oldest daughter always had a hole in her heart I could not fill. It hurt me to watch helplessly.

I really think my parents lied to protect me, they never wanted to see me hurt. And when you lie for so long, telling the truth may seem harder then keeping the lie. If I ever thought they did it to hurt me, I'd confront them. And for all of the things I don't agree with, bottom line is that I know they love me and only did the best with what they had. Hope that made sense. And I hope that someday your daughter will see all you have done, as her mother. Wendy

Maybe it was just the fear of losing you to someone else, being a parent you do not want someone else to come in and take over, or to feel like you might lose your child. Do you have children? Being a parent is not easy at all, being a bparent or an aparent. I guess the thing to do is for everyone to remember everyones feelings.I am married to a man who had a bdaughter put up for adoption, and believe you me alot of feelings go along with everything and everyone has their own feelings to deal with.

WOW!! I cannot even imagine what you have gone thru. My heart goes out to you! I pray for you! I am a wife of a man who has a bdaughter and she has mad contact, and I see the pain her aparents are going thru, being a mom of 4, I cannot even imagine losing them and someone else taking my place, did your daughers bmom not take into concerration of your feelings and take into account that you raised your daughter from day one? This whole situation is so very hard on everyone...I think (personally) that bparents sometimes forget the other peoples feelings that go along with adoption....if it be the aparents feelings, to their own families feelings....I know that first hand....I feel very left out and so do my children. I am sorry for your pain, and I do hope that things have gotten better. Please feel free to email me. jennbart@aol.com

Hi - I wanted to respond because we have been deciding between domestic and international adoption after a year and thousands spent on failed fertility procedures. One of the considerations of why certain people choose international is because of this concern that the child will grow up one and want to meet the bmom. With international, it is almost impossible which I can see would be difficult for a child. We have decided to go with domestic because of other concerns with international adoption, and I gotta be honest, raising a child from birth, I would consider that child my blood, part of me. I mentored a child in foster care for years, and she just fit right into my life as if she was with me from birth. I will have to face that bridge when I come to it, but I think it might hurt if my child chose to love her bmom as much as me, considering the bmom couldnt know the child as I would especially since she wasnt around thru all the important years of growing up. When my mother was pregnant with me, she wasnt married to my father, and he really never believed I was his child so he wasnt around at all, ever. Then, when I turned 12, I received a card from him and his wife. My grandmother found him and he wrote me. I met him at 12 years old, and the resemblence was there. However, there wasnt any bonding or true connection. Then as the years progressed, he was like a friend of the family someone I knew, but not someone that really knew me like my mom did since she raised me through all the good and plenty of bad, while he went off and lived his life with a new family. Now we dont talk anymore. The reason is it became hurtful to me when he would forget my b-day and not send a card, or call me on special occasions as I now had some expectations from him, but didnt plan to meet those expectations. He really didnt make the kind of effort I expected, and maybe he couldnt do much because if he could, he would have done things differently when I was younger, this was his capacity. So I pretty much accepted it, I met him, I identified with him in appearance, but that was it. I never felt like he was an important person in my life. So this subject does concern me a little, but because I have sooo much love to give a child, that child will be smothered in love, so as long as she/he grows up happy and balanced in life, I am sure that child will grow up to be an adult and make the right choice for him/her. Lisa

I am about to go to Ukraine to pick up my two unknown but very loved older adopted children. There is no way that I can erase the pain or questions that these children will have about their history, country and biological family. I have been thinking about this issue alot in the past few weeks as the trip quickly approaches. This is the conclusion I have come to: "The Truth will set you free." That is what I want for all my children, both biological and adopted. I want them to know and embrace the truth.....whatever it may be. The Lord knows that I have had to face and deal with many issues with my own parents ( I wasn't adopted) and it would be foolish to believe that my children who are will not have issues that they want resolved. I have resolved that I will copy down ANY AND ALL information that I can find about their biological families while I am there. Not only that, but if they have family that they know who for whatever reason they have been seperated from, I will encourage them to remain in contact with them through letters, pictures and phone calls. When my children are old enough, I will accompany them (If they want me to) back to Ukraine to meet their parents/relatives, see their orphanage, friends, country....whatever and whoever. I do not want them to lose their language or culture. We will adapt our family traditions to include traditions that are important to them. I also don't want to lose out on being "mom" because there is a biological mom already in the picture........but I figure that if I am always on their side, wanting them to have it all - love from as many people as are willing and able to give it, then I will never lose out. How can I? There is no way that I can change where they came from, and who gave birth to them, and who loved them but was unable to care for them.....but I can help to turn that all around and make it easier to help them forgive whatever hurts they have encountered, heal whatever relationships have been damaged, and become more whole as human beings because they have been encouraged to face everything head on. That all sounds like I think I have it all figured out......but I don't really, I am just hoping that will lead us all to a happy ending. I am encouraged to read the thoughts from adults who have been adopted and struggle for support to feel more whole. I know this is a huge entry for a first one on this forum, but I am so happy to find not only this forum, but this thread.....it reconfirms all the thoughts that have been whirling through my head since I started panicing about the trip. Thank you to all the adoptees and amoms who shared their fears and struggles - I feel already like I have found a place where you all get what I am going through.

I really wish you the best to all who have replied. I also believe the truth is the most important thing in any relationship, that's why I stand by it. I am not a parents, I am an adoptee, I am divorced once and now happily married. I only know what I have experienced. My experience is that no matter how painful the truth may be, it will take away more pain then it brings on. Have a safe and wonderful trip, Wendy

How many people can one love? I dont believe there is a limit. It follows then that love of one doesnt subtract from the love of another. You arent loved less because of a relationship with the birth mother. Every adopted child has two mothers. Its not realistic to think they don't or that there is no memory of the birth mother just because the adoption occured in infancy. Babies do remember. Keep in mind that an adopted child has already spent 9 months literally connected to its birth mother. At birth there is already a bond established. This bond doesnt end with the adoption, or the decades that pass. We need more understanding on this issue because there is just too much fear created by the lack of insight on this. I experienced it in my adoptive family and we all suffered from it. Thats what I tried to address in my thread The Psychological presence of the birth mother. Human beings can love an unlimited number of people while we only have the energy to show anger at one or two and then for a short time. We are created with a bias to love each other. This could be a good argument for the existance of God when you think about it.

Dear love4, I can only imagine what you must be feeling and how upset and rejected you must feel. I am not an amom but I do know that what you're experiencing is often felt by the bmom in reunion! It is rarely the other way round. I am surprised, however, that bmom didn't have a good chat with your daughter about the way her behaviour must be making you feel. If your daughter is still quite young, then I know that I would have insisted that she at least phone you every week and visit you as often as possible. I am very sorry that your daughter's bmom didn't do this. After all, her daughter is YOUR daughter too. Just wanted to say to both adoptees & aparents that we bmoms DO (usually) respect you. We would never want to ruin the relationship that you have with the person who was once our child. We do not want to hurt our own children or you. We UNDERSTAND (however painful it might be for us) that YOU (in 99.9% of cases) are the mom to whom our children will turn in times of trouble & whom they will always regard as "Mom". We are just greatful that some of you do not stand in the way of reunion and that some of you accept us as a mother & encourage OUR children to understand that it is possible to love 2 parents and NOBODY should let society dictate to them how they should feel about that. I do hope that, given a bit of time, your daughter will realise that she has behaved immaturely. In fact, it would not surprise me if one day soon she didn't make contact with you and renew the special relationship that you both had. I am sure that, in her heart of hearts, she still loves you. Until then, just try to be patient, keep in contact with her (even if she does not do the same to you) & give her the opportunity to come round and regain your special love.

I agree with you. I'm a bmom who reunited with daughter after 35 years. I met her mom just 3 weeks before she died. My daughter now is pregnant (thank you God) and is having difficulty dealing with me. I think. I also have 2 wonderful sons and love them equally and wonderfully., I've been blessed. In peace, Sandi

Wendy, I have not read all of the responses here so I am not sure if what I say has been said by someone else. I am an amom and oh my, I love my daughters more than my own breath. I dreamed of them when I was a little girl and as I look at them, I fall in love over and over every single day. I do tell my little girls I love them and I do try to keep our home as a safe one to share how we feel. My daughters are 19 months old and 33 months old. My almost 3yo is very bright for her age and her speech just amazes me. Lately, I have been thinking that the time to tell her she is adopted will be sooner than I had planned. As an adoptive Mom, it is hard... I do wonder how she will react. I just watched the movie StepMom and the interaction between the two mother characters is such a good example of the fears and emotions that both mothers feel. Their is a sense of jealousy, there is a sense of insecurity and there is a fear of the unknown. I know in my mind that it would hurt if my daughters made a hurtful comment about their bmom when they are upset with me. That being said, I also ache for their bmoms (they are not biologically related). I know my older daughter's bmom loved her but simply could not take care of her. My daughter was close to death from malnutrition and I know that placing her for adoption at 12mo was extremely hard. Many times I have wished that I could send her a picture. All of that being said, here is my take. I love my daughters... period. Being a mother (without the amom), it is my duty and love for my children to understand their feelings and help them work through them. So... I wholeheartedly support any choices they make with regard to contact or search for their bmom. Am I scared? Absolutely. Please understand it is not out of bad feelings, it is a mother protecting her cubs. I guess there is no true away of expressing my feelings other than I love my daughters enough to support any decisions they make as they are older. My daughters are international, so searching may be harder for them... but, I will lovingly tell them everything I know. Your question is a good one and I hope my answer gives some feedback. It is a matter of insecurity, not of denial. Blessings to you!

Perhaps the original mothers of your daughters were "protecting their cubs" in having to let them go in order that they would not starve or be subject to other desperate conditions in poverty. You don't have to protect your cubs from a child's original mother who loves them also, and loved them from the beginning of their existance. Merrill

Merrill, Thank you, you are absolutely right. The description of a mother protecting her cubs was not in context of protecting my children from their original mother who loves them. I am eternally greatful to both bmoms and have respect for them. I would go see them if I could. That comment was merely a description of how deep my love is for my children... a comment to explain that no matter how I feel, I will assist and support them in anyway regarding their choices as adoptees. It was not meant to be taken out of context.

Hi All, As an adoptive mom to a child adopted internationally--I just wanted to clarify that not all families who adopt internationally view the closed adoption as a positive. I felt there are some assumptions that families are going overseas to search out closed adoptions. Perhaps that is true for some, but certainly not all. I'm part of the Chinese adoption community and we often discuss the challenges our children will face regarding a complete lack of history. It is illegal to place children for adoption in China so all the children are abandoned anonymously. I know many families, myself included) who would do anything for this to change. We share our daughter's history with her. She's 2 and we tell her what's age appropriate. As I write out more of her story, trust me, it pains me to realize all I can say is you were found at such and such place and were estimated to be this age. Take care,

Melissa, I wholeheartedly agree with you. I do have some info on my children's bfamilies and I would love to meet them and say thank you, but it is different with international adoption. I have a niece from China and I know it must be so hard with so little information. My childrens' bmoms are beyond words for me... they gave our children life and I pray I do right by them by giving the girls the best home they can have. For us, I don't think international being a choice was based on closed adoptions, simply a love for the country and culture where they were born. So... I agree, not all international adoptions are because of the closed cases. I hope to fly back with my girls someday and help them meet their bfamilies.