Confession to a bmom

THANK YOU! L@@king! Well let's see - she's almost 22. At the time I thought it was open...it was a private adoption, I was 17 when I found, interviewed, and selected her parents, she was born a few months later in early 1985...one night a few weeks ago I found her listed on the adoption registry here, joined, emailed her and was in contact with her - all within 4 hours...really quite amazing. I'm thrilled for the recent email contact we've had and continue to have and who knows one day maybe she'll be ready to meet f2f :love:

WHAT A GREAT STORY! It's the beginning for you and your bdaughter, and how wonderful that you shared this with us. Gives us all hope, let's us know how you're doing, and offers us a chance to smile. Congratulations. Love, MT

yes, nice story, Mrs. Hoot! Hope you get what you want!!

Thanks for responding!

Wow Mrs. Hoot....I want to chime in with my congrats on your wonderful story ! :clap: Take it slow and easy....and let us know how it's going if you want to. We just LOVE details...and happy stories :love:

Mrs. Hoot, I know that amazing feeling of registering on adoption.com and immediately! finding my birth son! He unfortunately was no longer active here and his contact info was not up to date, but I had his name and located him the same night! I hope your first f2f is soon, but like the rest, I encourage you to go slowly.

Having read this, I may just well be able to come out of the shock of my son nearly dying 5 nights ago and no-one telling me. I was about to give up on him, my mind is like mangled treacle. I feel nothing. The shock of 8 months of brutal emotions has been a lot. I will bear in mind what you say, but I have reached the end of my limits - yes, I have limits. I know us bmoms are supposed to hold out to the end of time, but believe me, I've had my own hangups/emotional pain to cope with over the 28 years my life went on hold when my son was adopted at 6 months. I've had the equivalent of being isolated emotionally since that moment when no-one in my family would help me keep this scrap of wonderful life. He could well be feeling how you express yourself. I will try to heal my mind and hang on to what you have said. No words can express how bad I am feeling at the moment, but your words have given a little spark of hope....

Sometimes it seems to me that people who feel like they've been betrayed and deserted sometimes test every relationship over and over again, to see if they're going to be deserted again. They push the loved one to the breaking point and then say, "See, I knew you didn't really love me." I doubt that it's a conscious decision on their part. I've seen the same scenerio played out in more than one situation, and I suspect it may happen for adoptees as well. That said, you definitely have to set limits and protect yourself. Ann Landers once said that people can't walk all over you unless you lie down in front of them and let them. Loving unconditionally unfortunately does open you up to the possibility of being hurt by the loved one. If we don't risk love however, we also can't experience it. I'm not making much sense, so I'm going to bed! My thoughts are with you.

Thank you all - appreciate the kind words and good thoughts. I'm really trying to take things at her pace and not mine (and not my families, either!) BD has to be ready for a f2f and right now she isn't even ready to talk on the phone so I'm not holding my breath. I've extended an open invitation to her and am content in knowing that one day she will take me up on it. Until then I'm happy just to be in contact with her! Jannyroo - my heart goes out to you, all I can offer you are {{{big hugs}}} I hope you are taking some time to heal yourself - PM/email me if there is anything I can do! Cheri

I am so grateful for this post Lis; it helps me to put things into perspective. I have a 30 year old adult adoptee friend who has been talking about searching. He grew up in a great family with parents who adore him and gave him every advantage they could. He has two brothers who were also adopted. He has the blessing and even encouragement of his a-mom to search and he speaks of it often, but has reservations about it that he can't quite put into words. I keep wanting to encourage him because I know the pain being on the other side and waiting for the contact that promises to end the suffering. However, I don't want to go too far and turn him off to the whole idea. What you've described resonates with the patchwork of feelings he's shared with me. I am going to share your post with him and see what he says. If he'll allow it, I'll post his response (anonymously).On a personal note, I have been in reunion with my b-son for 16 years now. It has been a challenge. I think both families saw this as a chance to expand, as someone posted on this thread...to exist like inlaws. That might have worked except for three things: 1) My son's adoption was coerced by my parents and my agency; I have a hard time on an emotional level accepting someone else as his mother (Intellectually, I do understand); 2)My b-son's need to know me was so great and had been so frustrated all his life by closed adoption that his need to be with me during those first years post reunion took precedence over everything else in his life. He tried to be sensitive to everyone's feelings, but ultimately did what he needed to do for himself. Unfortunately, my need was also strong and I didn't do a good job of setting boundaries; 3) Both the a-mom and I had gone on to have other children (four bio children in the a-family and three in the b-family) . His b-dad has five. My b-son loves his a-siblings deeply and feels connected by a common history. However, he sees himself in his b-siblings; has many common characteristics, interests and, now friends. I would say that he's closer in many ways to his b-siblings than to his a-siblings. This has resulted in some issues... Despite that, I can't believe any of us would undo the reunion. My son's a-family most certainly loved him as they did their bio children. However, I think they and he were always acutely aware of the fact that he was and is different from them in appearance, characteristics, talents, etc. Searching for someone who was like him seemed natural and he always articulated his need to find me. However, having done so, even with the challenges we faced, did not cause him to lose acceptance in his family or to make him feel like a stranger there.

I haven't been here in several months because I've been trying to forget I was ever adopted. Yeah, right. Like that is possible. Happened to stumble upon this thread and saw that step2 had referenced something my birthmother (nightowl) had written and then step2 referenced my reply to my birthmom. My bmom had written here she doesn't know what she would do if I didn't want her in my life. It's been exactly 2 years since she first found me and we haven't had any real contact for the past 6 months. It makes me sad to see that something that started out so wonderful went so wrong. She did in fact email me on Christmas and then the following week sent a reply back to my email and signed hers love, Mary. This after 1 1/2 years of signing love, Mom. It broke my heart. I guess I will never know where all the feelings went. It will remain one of lifes great mysteries! Anyway, I hope all are well here. Megan

Often it seems there's a honeymoon period in reunions. Then comes the real work of building a relationship. It's not easy. Both bmom and bdaughter or son have to take an honest look at what they hoped to find and the kind of relationship they dreamed of. Bparents have to honestly mourn the fact that they are not the parent who raised the child. You can't go back. The "child" we find is an adult. I recently asked my bson how he would describe our relationship. He responded "healthy." (He calls me Kathy, not Mom BTW) As I have frequently said on these forums (and said to D's adad) D and I reunited at a kairos moment. (Kairos means God's time - the right time.) D was at a very comfortable place in his life which helped. Many bmoms wait impatiently for their children to reach 18. Unfortunately, their children are just entering adulthood and may not yet be ready for a longterm relationship. Many reunions seem to need "time-outs" on one side or the other until the relationship is worked out. I guess what I'm trying to say, Adopted1967 (and others) is don't give up!

You know, I don't know a thing here except what you have written, and I feel a sense of both sadness and what do we do next? Can you reach out to yourself in the forum here, as you would like to have your birthmom reach out to you? Maybe give it a chance to say what's on your mind and what you're really wanting accomplished from your point-of-view? It couldn't hurt anyone of us to listen to you. Love and many bear hugs, MT

I do wonder what is next. Are we just to forget about each other? Are my pictures put away and she is back to saying she only has 1 daughter instead of 2? We don't email, we don't call, and we don't visit so how are we ever going to work something out? We live 2000 miles away so it won't be easy to get together but I am willing and my bmom says it is impossible. In my opinion if there is a will there is a way. I have read about the honeymoon period and then the distancing thing but what if the time out lasts forever?

Adopted1967 - you can't make her do anything, but you can choose what you want. If you want to have a relationship with her, e-mail her, snail mail her, let her know what's going on in your life, even if she doesn't respond. Let her know you continue to think about her and want her in your life. Take it one day at a time.

I can relate to scarey part about needing your Bmom, because the idea of needing anyone can be quite a freakish notion to adjust to! But it's true, we do need others. That doesn't mean we throw our independence out the window, just that we can't learn/be/do everything by ourselves. We're not meant to. I laugh at myself, thinkin at one point in my life how I was SO Miss "I can DO it mySELF thank yu very much"! about everything and everyone. I had to teach myself and let others teach me how to need others and still stand in my own skin. Still workin that. Probably always will. I'm glad you are involved in your life!