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My husband and I recently traveled to Taiwan to bring our new son home. He is 6 y.o. and is absolutely darling - when he's well-rested. When he's tired, he can be pretty mischievous and it wears on my nerves. From day 2, he's been testing us and his boundaries and throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way (which is quite often if he's tired!). I'm having a hard time feeling "the connection" with him as I do with my 4 homegrown kids. I know it'll come in time, though.
We've had our son only 17 days but he's made tremendous progress in learning the rules of the house and in learning English. When we were in Taiwan, we found out that in the almost-2 years he was with a foster family, he never attached to them. I asked how this could be and was told that he was difficult to place because his b-mom has HIV. It left me scratching my head how that could answer the question, but I'm thinking maybe they had to scrape the bottom of the barrel to find someone who would take him, I don't know.
My question is - is it possible for a foster family to treat him in a way that he wouldn't bond with them? I just can't wrap my brain around that one!
We've been doing bonding exercises with our new son and he seems to be showing signs of bonding. He often displays toddler-like behavior so at those times, we parent him like a toddler. We're consistent with boundaries which has helped quite a bit, I think. As a way to try to meet the needs of his inner-toddler, I'll pick him up and hold him every once in a while. At first, he was as stiff as a board. Now he molds himself in a bit and has even laid his head down on my shoulder a couple of days ago! In the past few days, he's also met my gaze and actually looked into my eyes for a few seconds - and he wasn't angry or wanting something, either! I'm taking these as good signs. :-) Oh, and one night, he was playing with magnets on the fridge while I was making supper. Out of the clear blue, he said, "No I love you." I don't know if he was starting to feel attached and it scared him or what.
ok, enough babbling. :-)
Marci
PS.. Hi Linny!
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My daughter was in a foster home for over a year and although they said she was attached, I really doubt it. They had several children and then had a baby so she was on her own a lot. I am sure they were a good family but she needed more than they could give and I don't think they realized her needs. (She was 2 when she came to us.) Consistency is really important with attachment issues. Keep up the good work. It takes a long time and just when you think you're all set, they do something that makes you feel like you're going backward. When I get frustrated I try to remember where my daughter came from and her hardships. That helps when she's bouncing off the walls! Take care.
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This is one area that our family has had some pretty good exposure to. Our first older child adoption (US) (was six years old when he came to us).....has severe reactive attachment disorder...so badly so, that even after four years of therapies (attachment) and such, he continued to refuse to change. He now lives in a residential home and will continue to do so due to dangerous behaviors to himself and others. No conscience, no empathy, nothing.
Our other two 'older child adoptions'.....were 'just turned three years old and six years old' when they came. Despite the fact that the six year old went through H*** and back, it is the 3yr old----now 10yrs old---that continues to have problems.
We did attachment parenting with him....but probably not enough. We thought that surely, being in one foster home with his brother.....would keep him from having problems like this. Instead, we probably should have done more of what we did. He isn't RAD (reactive attachment disorderd).....but does continue to have some attachment problems. Enough that he sends ME over the edge, not to mention the rest of the family, at times.
You are doing well to hold him. Do it more. Let him go all the way back to having a bottle if he'd like. Let him have a blankie to nap with...and if you are able to take a nap with him.....DO IT! That laying down with them and taking a nap with them does wonders....provided you're having him cuddle up with you to sleep.
Try getting him to look you in the eyes as much as possible---just in every day conversation. Reward him for this in some way....preferably hugging him, verbally praising him, etc.
For some good pointers.........go to the Attachment disordered support group site (ADSG....just type in those letters) . It is LOADED with ideas and possible therapies.
And....if you are lucky enough to have this, consider putting him (with you) in with an attachment therapist. Certainly, this kind of therapy can't hurt him in any way. And, if there are some deficits in attachment, they'll help him bond with you faster! It has helped wonders for us with all of our older child aodptions (even the one in residential...as much as it could).
As far as 'how could any kid be in foster care and have attachment problems'? There are a ton of bad foster homes...for a lot of reasons. There are always going to be people who do it for money or extra perks. In regards to my boys.....(the two still at home).......the fp were a pitiful example of good parenting or caring, for that matter. :(
Best of luck. It sounds like you are starting out on a good foot to helping him bond.
Sincerely,
Linny
Last week I called a psychologist who belongs to ATTACh and is on Nancy Thomas' website as well. He got us in the very next day! The good news is that he doesn't think Zac is full-blown RAD and he sees a lot of hope for us. We go back on March 8th. We got Nancy Thomas' book from him and have started to follow the guidelines in the book. It's amazing how well it's worked so far! We make him ask for everything, insist on good manners, and just recently, we've been making him walk with us instead of in front of us (except for on stairs). I've also started to tell him when we've heard enough when he makes noises or babbles on and on. He'll loudly imitate Pikachu or a train over and over and over...trying to hold the family's attention captive. It's hard to hold a conversation with anyone else when he does this. He doesn't like to be shushed but Mom's the queen and he must obey the queen! hehe (We're also working on him interrupting.)
Today in the van, out of nowhere, he says, "I lub you." I said, "I love you, too" and then he said, "I lub you, Mommy" and I said, "I love you, too, Zaccy". Then he said, "I lub you, Daddy" (Dad wasn't there) so I said, "I love Daddy, too. And I love.... " I listed his siblings and then he said, "No I lub you." Hmm. He's been getting more clingy...maybe he wants me all to himself.
I sent him a blankie while he was in Taiwan and the foster family kept it. I need to get him a new one. He doesn't really nap, though. I try to snuggle with him, though. (that lasts about 30 seconds)
When we first got Zac, he would laugh whenever someone got hurt. That worried me. Over the past few weeks, we've been modeling empathy and sympathy, and it seems to be helping. ie -Yesterday, he accidentally hit my hand and immediately he said, "Sorry, Mommy!" rather than laughing. It's a start! :)
The more I read about attachment disorders, the more I can understand why he didn't attach at the foster home. Thanks, Linny!
Marci
Linny
This is one area that our family has had some pretty good exposure to. Our first older child adoption (US) (was six years old when he came to us).....has severe reactive attachment disorder...so badly so, that even after four years of therapies (attachment) and such, he continued to refuse to change. He now lives in a residential home and will continue to do so due to dangerous behaviors to himself and others. No conscience, no empathy, nothing.
Our other two 'older child adoptions'.....were 'just turned three years old and six years old' when they came. Despite the fact that the six year old went through H*** and back, it is the 3yr old----now 10yrs old---that continues to have problems.
We did attachment parenting with him....but probably not enough. We thought that surely, being in one foster home with his brother.....would keep him from having problems like this. Instead, we probably should have done more of what we did. He isn't RAD (reactive attachment disorderd).....but does continue to have some attachment problems. Enough that he sends ME over the edge, not to mention the rest of the family, at times.
You are doing well to hold him. Do it more. Let him go all the way back to having a bottle if he'd like. Let him have a blankie to nap with...and if you are able to take a nap with him.....DO IT! That laying down with them and taking a nap with them does wonders....provided you're having him cuddle up with you to sleep.
Try getting him to look you in the eyes as much as possible---just in every day conversation. Reward him for this in some way....preferably hugging him, verbally praising him, etc.
For some good pointers.........go to the Attachment disordered support group site (ADSG....just type in those letters) . It is LOADED with ideas and possible therapies.
And....if you are lucky enough to have this, consider putting him (with you) in with an attachment therapist. Certainly, this kind of therapy can't hurt him in any way. And, if there are some deficits in attachment, they'll help him bond with you faster! It has helped wonders for us with all of our older child aodptions (even the one in residential...as much as it could).
As far as 'how could any kid be in foster care and have attachment problems'? There are a ton of bad foster homes...for a lot of reasons. There are always going to be people who do it for money or extra perks. In regards to my boys.....(the two still at home).......the fp were a pitiful example of good parenting or caring, for that matter. :(
Best of luck. It sounds like you are starting out on a good foot to helping him bond.
Sincerely,
Linny
It would have been interesting to find out what their definition of attachment was, huh? Thanks for the tips!!
Marci
ACmom
My daughter was in a foster home for over a year and although they said she was attached, I really doubt it. They had several children and then had a baby so she was on her own a lot. I am sure they were a good family but she needed more than they could give and I don't think they realized her needs. (She was 2 when she came to us.) Consistency is really important with attachment issues. Keep up the good work. It takes a long time and just when you think you're all set, they do something that makes you feel like you're going backward. When I get frustrated I try to remember where my daughter came from and her hardships. That helps when she's bouncing off the walls! Take care.