No birthparent information -- Russian adoption

My daughter is from China. Like virtually all of the children adopted from China, she was abandoned -- the only way some families can make adoption plans. She was 9.5 months old when abandoned, and I adopted her when she was 18.5 months old. She is now 9.5 years old. Becca has known since she was a toddler that I do not know anything about her birth family or why she came to need a new family. We have always talked, in general terms, about why many children in China have adoption plans made for them. We've talked about poverty. We have talked about the fact that, in China, it is difficult for an unmarried woman like me to parent. We have discussed the one-child policy in great detail. We have talked about the fact that, in China, some children need new homes if parents die or abuse their children. And so on. No, I haven't discussed prostitution, rape, and some of the other reasons that kids come into care in various parts of the world, mainly because Becca didn't really understand much about sex until this year. She now knows what rape means, but she wouldn't comprehend the notion of prostitution. If I ever find evidence that she needed to be adopted for one of these reasons -- and it is possible, though not likely -- I would certainly help her to understand these issues. A few years ago, Becca overheard another China parent telling me that, because she was abandoned at 9.5 months of age, it probably means that a baby brother was born into the family. Becca asked me about this comment, and we had a long discussion about it. Becca now understands that, since it takes nine months to grow a baby, it is quite possible that her birth family had a son, and that, faced with the potentially harsh enforcement of the one-child policy and the need for boys to care for parents when they grow old, her birthdad and birthmom made the tough decision to place her for adoption. Becca feels, as I do, that this explanation for her situation has merit, though we cannot prove that this was the reason for her abandonment. Before Becca was seven, she -- like many kids -- didn't really have any emotional reaction to the fact that her birthparents couldn't keep her. When she was seven -- a prime age for the emergence of birthparent grief -- she began to express great sadness that she never knew her birthparents and that she didn't even know anything about them. Becca expressed a strong desire to learn, for sure, why she was abandoned. She also expressed a desire to know whether she had a baby brother. In addition, she said that she wanted answers to such questions as whether her birth parents were as slender as she is, whether they worked with animals (since she is a huge lover of animals), and whether they liked music as much as she did. She also wanted to know what religion they practiced. Actively Jewish, she is also very interested in the religious beliefs of others. The one thing that has really helped Becca deal with the sense of grief and loss -- which all adopted children will experience at some point, to a greater or lesser extent -- is that I have made it clear that I will support her in efforts to find out more about her birth family and even to meet her birth family, someday in the future. Right now, Becca knows that if we searched for her birthparents, we would only get them in trouble. After all, they may have violated the one-child policy, and abandonment of a child is illegal in China. Moreover, she has some understanding that, in some countries, people think ill of a woman who has a child without being married, so if that was the cause of the abandonment, it could cause her birthmother to be shunned by her family and friends. I'm not sure if she fully understands that it could also harm the cause of international adoption if we searched at this time. Young children think more in terms of how things affect individuals. But it is clear that if a lot of Americans start trooping around China, seeking their children's birthparents, the Chinese authorities, who are big on preserving the social order, would be angry and might cause adoptions to be suspended. Becca and I both hope that, someday, the political and social climate in China will make search possible. And I'm hopeful that, when she gets older, she won't be afraid to search for fear of antagonizing me. I want to be by her side, if and when we search. And, if we are ever lucky enough to meet her birth family, I will want to thank them personally for the love they obviously gave my daughter during the first 9.5 months of her life, and for making it possible for me to adopt her. Sharon

Our first child was adopted as an infant from Korea...and though we asked for any info, we were given none. She is now well into adulthood. We have talked about adoption since she was placed in our home; and she was always told the truth. While she asked some basic (and I mean, basic) questions and made some references to 'being adopted'.....there was never any big 'sit-down discussion about the 'why'......though we have always told her we had nothing in regards to biological beginnings. I think sometimes, that parents---though they should be prepared-----are also given the impression that their adopted child will wonder and feel horrid by not having tons of info to share with them. Today, her comments are quite different than the comments you might read about on some boards. She has no desire to search, she feels 'no loss'....but does feel that people who do search, may be getting more than they wanted in regards to what they find out. She has told me, that in some ways, she is grateful for 'not knowing'. I fully believe, that how your child asks, and behaves and feels about being adopted--whether there is extensive bio info or not-----has a lot to do with how you bring that child up to feel within your family. I'm not saying that there won't be questions; but I think you have little to worry about, as long as you relay the full truth. In my readings and discussions, the concept of adoption is often influenced by the way the adoptive family presents itself to the child. Treating adoption as a joyous way in which the child entered his/her family; and a completely 'open door' in regards to questions and such, will go quite far as your child gets older, IMO Sincerely, Linny