What this adoptive mom wants adoptees to know

No offense taken. While I can't speak for all adoptees, I am an adult adoptee/empty nester so I fully appreciate what motherhood entails and acknowledge the rather cavalier "castaway" reference which is in no way respectful or accurate for you and your child. It doesn't help that the terminology is identified as a "triad" because the relationships are not like a three-legged stool of mother, father, daughter from conception onward for the child, simply by definition. In a developmental context, even a few hours away from a birth mother creates great stress to a developing infant--it is a subconscious sunami, but that does not negate the very positive influence of "alpha" parents; there is not a 1-1 correlation in relationships. You ARE the "alpha" mother; all of your sacrifices, challenges and decades of love are a gift that deserves appreciation in equal balance to the parenting you received, but it is not bi-directional because a parent is fully developed, (hopefully) and any child is going thru the stages of an evolving personality/identify. For many/most adoptees (closed adoption), there is no reference or context to compare to their alpha parents unless the ethnic, cultural, religious and physical traits are similar. I believe that it is completely natural for a child to want to seek and explore their roots; and while it may feel disloyal, it has nothing to do with you. Some adoptees never unearth a trigger event to bring those strong, negative feelings to the surface but my active, vast network of other adoptees searching for their birth relatives agree about an intangible set of feelings to some extent, none of which have anything to do with poor parenting or even the most perfect adoptive parent and childhood. You are not responsible for this loss your child experienced at a primal level nor can you "fix" it with good parenting. My adoptive parents were my parents and in most ways, I had an exceptional upbringing which I am grateful for, but the submerged loss has always been there. For me, the parent figure relationships are completely separate and they are not interchangeable. I dearly loved my adoptive parents; but that has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with my need to seek information and a glimpse into my ancestry. What do others think? One significant factor is different for you and your daughter than for most adoptees and your foresight in arranging for an open adoption is a testament to your mature decision to put your daughter's interests ahead of your own. Last, depression has underlying genetic components and usually emerges from a trigger event. It is a medical problem and requires psychological process changes with medication, much like cystic fibrosis or any other disease. Not fixable by "good parenting." For me, parental love is unconditional and you are showing through open adoption how to support your daughter so she does not have to experience the negative impact, given no rights and antiquated laws. Does that help at all?

Julie, I am about to enter to adoption process to become an adoptive mom. I have been reading and reading-- books and forums.... and I was left with the same feeling... no matter how much I love and do the right thing, encouraging "openness" and handling the adoption sensitively with the child.... I will inevitably raise a child who will long for someone else and will have an emptiness that I cannot help fill. So, I share your hurt. I also hear that it is not all about us-- the adoptive moms. And, I am comforted by the poster above who points out that there are lots of happy adoptees out there who are confident and whole (sorry to reword...) and that perhaps much of the pain for adoptees isn't just b/c of the adoption but b/c of parenting issues that could also effect bio families? Don't know if that makes sense, but I am working through those same feelings!!! Somedaymom

well please take no offense to anything I say but my experience growing up being adopted meant suffering sleep disorders, ptsd ,anxiety,hypervigelence and a huge Identity crisis . constantly being incorrectly diagnosed with learning disabilities and never feeling validated. and it is very time consuming wondering who you are in your teens then having to petition the courts in your twenties to open records you should already have.then having to sit in childrens court as an adult and have to ask again for another judge to give you access. then the social workers then having to deal with your birth mothers husband who has been kept in the dark and opens the letter you intended for your first contact with your birthmother. who then proceeds to hide family photo book and tell your b mother you stole it to sabotage relationship. I feel I had to waste so much of my life for info you were born with

Julie, you can be the most perfect parent, with children who love you beyond all else, but that won't stop an adoptee from wondering and missing the birth family. We are a product of our DNA. Not just who we look like, but the way we walk, the tone of our voice, our personalites. Wanting to meet someone like us doesn't reduce the love they have for the parent who raises them. You went though IVF to have a child who would be like you, a child that will never question who they look like or did you love them. When you marry you accept an entire new family warts and all. You learn to love them, but you don't love your family any less. So for an adoptee, if you have done your job as a parent and raised a child to be the best they were born to be. If they are lucky and find someone who wants to know them too, Then you are truely a blessed parent. You have an open adoption so your child will have less questions. Adopting a baby doesn't erase the fact there is an other mother. A mother who loved the baby before you came into the picture. Not better, not more, just first. Your adopted children will always have two mothers, both whom love the child. One mother will rasie the child, one could not becasue of circumstances. Why would you want them to pretend the biological family doesn't exsit? Why would you expect them to not be interested in knowing? The hard part, is even if you never say anything about this our loud, your children could feel hurt becasue of your unspoken thoughts. I don't think you want to casue them pain. You love them.

Somedaymom, One thing you have to remember is that most of the adult adoptees (particularly those over 35) were adopted during the closed era. There is no encouraging "openness" - your past, your history, your medical information - is closed to you by the state. This is entirely different from the open adoptions of today. My reason for searching was to get medical information and to tell my bmom that she had done the right thing - that my life had been great and my aparents loved me very much and raised me as their own child. I never longed for some other mother (except when my Mom told me no about something I wanted to do). Even though I am currently in a very successful reunion with both bparents and my aparents are both gone, my aparents are still Mom and Dad. That is a real mouthful :) By the way, I only call them aparents here for clarification. I don't wish that I wasn't adopted - it was absolutely the right thing to do and I am exactly who I was meant to be. I do wish that the secrecy and the anguish that my bmom went thru for years and years had not happened. I do wish I could have known her earlier but I feel very blessed to know both of them now and that they want to know me. It angers me that as an adult with adult children and every possible signature, I can not get my original birthcertificate or records. I wish you great luck with your future adoption. Love them as your own and you will always and forever be Mom. Jill

Well, while I evidently had a biological 'mother' I would never say I had 2 Mothers. I also don't think it a foregone conclusion that all adoptees had 2 mothers that loved them. I am also no fan of the currently popular open adoption. And, and this will be no surprise, I never had any need to search, no hole in my psyche, no desire to find people who looked like me. I don't believe I'm that uncommon, except on boards like these. So, why am I here? I am also an adoptive parent. My child may have these feelings people talk about when she gets older. I believe in being prepared.

I am a happy adoptee, and do not share all the feeling expressed here by others. I have met my bmom, and am gratefull to her giving me to such a great family that has treasured and suported me all my life. We are not all bitter. Even though I found bmom, I have kept my parents informed the whole time about my contact with her, and they have taken it wonderfully. They will always be my parents, now I just have 2 woman in my life named mom. I would suggest that if your children ever get curious to look, support them, your not losing them. Again I had the greatest most caring parents, and I needed that support and trust when I set out to find my bfamily. Do not make them feel guilty for being curious about thier past, that will seriously damage your relationship with them. Looking at my personality, I cannot say I suffered any major issues resulting from adoption. The only thing I notice in common with many on here is a major fear of rejection (especially by woman). I never thought of this as caused by adoption until I started reading about others with many of the same problems.

Hi I am an adoptee. I think its great you have asked this question. I will try to answer it. I have two wonderful parents, whom i love and have given everything to me. However I also feel like my life is not complete, not because they have done anything wrong, or they were bad but because there is a part of me that cannot be ignored. The part that wonders why and who am I as regards genetically and biologically. I have no wish to swap the life i have but it is a PART of who I and all other Adoptees are. That cannot be changed and should never be ignored. Its natural and healthy for an adoptee to come to terms with the feelings he or she has. Thats not to say were are not grateful or very much a part of our adoptive families. My adoptive parents found it hard when I decided to search, so what you feel is I would imagine normal also. However, searching is not about what we are, or about what we dont have its about exploring our lives and what made us who we are. If we are lucky we have the suppor of our families in doing so. I think adoptees find it as hard to understand adoptive families feelings as vice versa. Adoption is part of what and who we are, it cannot be erased and should not be ignored but embraced and accepted. Its ok to feel angry and hurt, to be adopted we were rejected and we know that. Its natural to want to know why, to have answers. its a part of who we are. It is really nothing against the adoptive parents we love but should be done together as an exploration of what a gift our family is. If its denied or avoided it adds to the shame and the confusion that comes so often a long with adoption. I often felt different because I was. thats not to say I dont have the most loving parents in the world or I would want to change it. Exploring ones past is difficuult and the issues it raises on both sides. I think it would be good for adoptees to understand that but also you need to understand that its important to have understanding and to allow your daughter to feel anything she does. Its ok to feel emotions of anger and frustration at not understanding and made harder by the fact adoptees are not given the right to feel that way. Im sure your daughter will someday have the same questions, but know when that time comes, she loves you, your her mother and she doesnt want to hurt you, but she will need to understand who she is and why. I hope this helps. I was very happy to read your post as it gave me something to think about as regards how my adoptive parents feel. love and a need to find out who and why you are, are two seperate things. Thank you for being so open and honest. It may helpl to know your feelings are normal also and maybe talk to others that feel the same way. discuss it and then you will realise thats adoption affects us all but the one constant is the love that binds us. suzie

You say that you have a biological son, and an adopted daugher, who will grow up as brother and sister. I believe you when you say you love me. Really, truly I do understand that you love them with all of your heart. I have loving parents. They are Mom and Dad to me. They have raised me well, provided me with a home and food and clothes. But you see... I had to have been taken away from someone else first before I could acquire all this. Adoption involves loss. Mom and Dad are my parents now, but they would not have been if my first mother did not surrender me first. This life I have now would not have been possible if my first mother didn't even give me birth. If you are truly thankful for your daughter - then the same appreciation needs to be given to the woman who birthed her. I'm not saying you have to love her or like her - but at least give her a degree of respect, because without her, you would not have your daughter. This has nothing to do or against my adoptive parents. I want to search because my birth culture is part of me. It is my history, my heritage. I existed before I was adopted, and I would like to know that history. I don't know how I can possibly describe the pain of knowing where I was supposed to grow up in my own culture. I have a good life now. But again, in order to have grown up in this life, I had to lose something first. - Mei-Ling, transracial adoptee

wow its sure interesting reading about how adoptees feeltks for sharingi hope everyone who is searching for their birthparents it will be a beautiful reunionreally confirms that most adoptees want to search for their birthmoms:earth:tks again for sharing

quote]I take offense to adoptees who look upon us as if we are just castaways. Don't you think it hurts us to have you think of us in such a negative light? Believe it or not, I get that. The thing is, how I feel is how I feel. Each of has their own truth. I'm not comfortable with some of the things I've read here, and some people are not comfortable with what I have to say. As a data person, I'm not so good with "most", for example, without real empirical numbers. And the term "triad"? But at the end of the day, folks like me and all of you are just as entitled to our feelings as everyone else is. I'm not saying that anyone else is wrong. I am saying that I am right about me. Does that make any sense?

I know it is hard for most, some, etc. For myself, I deal with about 30 birthmoms and a regular basis. We email at lest once a week on a list, and meet at least once a year. There are 50 on the list, and I have met all of them. There used to be 100 of those 100 I met about 25 face to face. What I am getting at, even at only 30 bmoms who talk often for over 10 years. I base my most, some few, on this group. Those I was on another group that had 500 bmoms, and a 1000 when I left. So for me personally, if I say most, I mean most out a 100, that I Know their story and have asked the questions. This is not counting the other 5o or more I attended group support with for over 3 years, or the 30 from a retreat I spent a weekend with. Of that 100, 95 would not do it again, give up a child. Of that 100, 75 have found. Of that 100, 60 have on going relationships. Of that 100, 6 found and did not meet, for really stupid reasons. one example, a bmom who is an emergency room doc and her husband (not the bdad) is also a doctor. She found her birthdau, the bdau told her, she was not good enough to be part of her family, she was not high class enough. strange I know, but true. One bmom who I see a couple of times a year, intelligent, a fine woman who had no other children. Her bson just didn't want to meet her. She never did find out why. She battled cancer and he knew and still didn't want to meet her. A couple bmoms found drug addicts. Another attended her bson's wedding and stood up with the amom at the wedding. She was present when the grandbaby was born and was just down last month from Canada to help babysite the grandchild with the amom grandmother. Another bmom goes on vacations with bson and his afamily. Another bmom who is also an adoptee, found 3 sisters and her bmom. She found her own daughter and has a great relationship. So for me, I have a good base in numbers of bmoms, reunited with relationships, not reunited, no relationship or still looking. That is where I base my, some, few, many, and the exceptions. One in NY her bdau and children come every summer to stay with her. For the most part, the 30 who I email everyweek are doing great.

I'm glad they're doing well. Yeah, I get you. That's your experience. Mine, of course, is different. We run in different circles, adoptees in my case. It is always hard to get your arms around self-reported data. I keep debating doing actual research. Could be interesting. There are some stats according to Adoption.com: In a study whose results are accessible at this site, 6 in 10 Americans have had personal experience with adoption, meaning that they themselves, a family member, or a close friend was adopted, had adopted a child, or had placed a child for adoption. (Evan B. Donaldson Institute, 1997). Roughly 300,000,000 Americans at 60%. That's a staggering 180 million personal adoption stories. Isn't that an awesome number? But my larger point is that things like "most" bother me, like what I feel bothers other people. You are certainly not the minority on this forum. And you get to have your opinion. Everybody supports that. I have a different opinion, one that's not so much supported here.

But at least you have information of all kinds to work from. Even if none of it is ever of any use to you. Or your experince is totally different than anyone's before. When I went into reunion with my father there was nothing written down. No one to talk too. Sure I was 8 when my adoption happened. The ultimate open adoption. I knew them, had phone numbers. But I was the one calling, not them. Then my dad and his new family moved away. When I was 19 they were back and we started the reunion. What I found out, half adopted or not, according to what you read, I was a text book adoptee. Trying like crazy to belong and never feeling I did. My half sister recently told I was driving people back and it wasn't until I stopped trying so hard that it was easier to accept me. Wow, do you know how long that was? I was 19 when I started my relationship with my dad and my younger half sibs. I was married with two kids, so I never lived with them. That would have been 1967. I didn't stop trying, until I started searching for my own son, in 1998. Then it was still a couple of years before I stopped trying. When dad got married again after his wife, my stepmom, died. So I was on the outside beating on that window for a lot of years. Because we didn't know what reunion was or that we were living it. We all assumed, because it was a step parent adoption that there wasn't an issue. We were wrong. So, I do know what you are talking about. My next door neighbor is a bmom, i found out when I was searching. She won't look, but if he knocks on her door she will welcome him.

I am an adoptive mother and my best friend of 25 years is an adoptee, so I can sort of see things from both sides of the coin. I wouldn't say my best friend's adoptive family was the best. Really, what family is perfect. Parents are humans too, capable of mistakes just like everybody else. For as long as I can remember I always knew she was adopted. It was as much a part of her as her hair color. But growing up was not easy. Children can be and are cruel. I can remember classmates saying some very nasty and cruel things to her. "Your real mom didn't want you" or "Your REAL mom didn't love you. She gave you away". I can remember excusing myself from class on a couple of occasions only to find her in the girl's bathroom sobbing because of comments like these. So even if she never had issues with abandonment, the kids at school almost guaranteed she did. When she turned 18 she began the search and soon found her birth mother. I cannot begin to describe her emotions on learning where some of her quirks came from or the simple knowledge that she and her birth mother had the same nose. Ironically, her other siblings, who are also adopted, have never showed any interest in finding their birth mothers. All of them were raised pretty much the same way. All of them shared similar adoption experiences. Now I am an adoptive mom. I am so lucky that my son will have someone to talk to if he ever shares any of her feelings. His adoption was closed, something I regret deeply. It all happened so quickly, that we scrambled franticly so we could bring him home. The meaning of "closed adoption" did not set in until weeks later. I have decided to answer his question as truthfully as I can and give as much information as possible (but I want to make sure that the info is age appropriate). What ever his feelings may be, I and my husband will stand beside him. And when, or if, the time comes for him to search for his birth mother, well we will be there for that too. For him I would move mountains with my bare hands.... He is young now, but I never want him to feel like the feelings he could, would, or should have are negligible. And I don't want to feel like I failed as a mother to him simply because he wishes to find his birth mother or because of abandonment issues he may/may not have. I, nor my husband, know if this is the right approach but it is what we have decided to do because we both believe this is what is best for our son.