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She died in 1991 in a fire. The home that gave me away has known about it since the mid-90s.
How do you deal with THAT?
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I know exactly what you are going through. My birth father was killed by a psychopath when I was 4 months old. Looked after by foster parents from the ages of about 3, then finally adopted when I was 6. My adopted mum told me this when I was about 9 and I did not know how to deal with it, I was emotionally beside myself. Then at the age of 30 I desperately seeking answers. A couple of months ago I finally found out for myself on the internet. A copy of the court case had been printed on the internet detailing every stage of the attack. How do I deal with this? I ask myself. How do you deal with the knowledge that your birth mum died in a fire - ? The answer - you don't stop grieving. Some days your okay and others your not and you have no support. My name is Ellenor. If you need to contact someone who know what your going through - my e-mail is indigo26@hotmail.co.uk
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Hi there. Just thought I'd drop you a line to reassure you that you are not the only one whose parents have died in tragic circumstances and I can honestly say I know how you feel. I am constantly living with grief after my bdad died tragically after being attacked by a psychopath when I was a baby (4months old). I didn't know until my insensitive adoptive mother told me when I was about 9. I was given no support emotionally to deal with this. At the age of 30 I am still struggling to deal with it, particularly when less than a month ago I read the whole court case on the internet. This detailed every detail of the attack and how he died and all aspects of the brutality inwhich he was killed. It's very painful to deal with and I'm still living with that grief. I am glad I read your message because it makes me feel that I am not alone and that others have to try to deal with these very sad feelings. If you need to talk my e-mail is indigo26@hotmail.co.uk. Bye, from Ellenor.
WOWI didn't realize how many people were affected by this. I accidentally stumbled on one of my old posts during a google of something totally different. Here, 4 1/2 years later, I hear others going through what I did.Update: I met my maternal g-mom and all her brothers sisters and umpteen cousins down in TX. It was Thanksgiving, '05, and I hit it off with one of Grandma's brothers and his wife, Aunt Peggy. Both in their 80s, spry as goats... and they took me under their wing. Learned a lot about the pain my mother felt. She became an alcoholic shortly after giving me away, and actually set the house on fire by passing out with a lit cigarette Never mind. but I feel a fellowship when I hear the story. HAHAHA. Unfortunately, Gran had parkinson's in 05. Thank God she was lucid enough to meet me, know who I was, etc/ I kept in touch over the next couple years, but attended her funeral 10/08.I have a 1 y/o and a five y/o to keep up that branch of the family tree.
I am so sorry....however, I understand. I recently found my birth family (actually have 4 whole siblings..parents stayed together for a while) Anyways, my birth mother passed in 1999, and my birth father just last Valentines day passed away. I am SO angry with the institute that adopted me because I updated my address EVERY 2 YEARS! Apparently, my birth mother and siblings did as well.
I went to see my birth mothers grave 3 weeks ago in Wyoming...46 years and 1 day later I met her. The sick, gut wrenching feeling...it took me days to figure out why I was such a mess. How do you explain grieving over someone you've never met, but always loved? Knowing that she looked for me as well as the rest of the family helps, but I still miss her. Shame on some of the adoption agencies out there.
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I'm glad to hear you were able to make contact with others.
The pain of finding a grave at the end of a search is a pain that is so hard to explain in words.
I found my first mom at a grave after searching for 14 years. I found out she died in a "car accident" when I was 14 months old.
I found that out just over five years ago.
I am tight with my kept sister, found two others adopted out before myself as well as their birth fathers and my search continues to find my own birth father of whom I have yet to find a name for.
I guess in my pain of the shock of finding her dead, of the fact that she never had the chance to search for any of us, I find I need to know more and more about her. Kind of my way of dealing I guess.
Best to you and just remember that the feelings are real, even if others don't understand them.
I am so sorry to hear that! I lost my birth mom a year ago in march and lost my adopted mom in February. I am sorry you didnt get to meet yours. Were you able to contact anyone else in the family? Unbelievable they let you wonder like that when they knew(adoption agency). Sorry about that too!
I have met and have regular phone conversations with all my siblings. Apparently they looked for me for years as well. We are having a reunion in Wyoming in May...it's been a wonderful experience. They have given me so much...answers, stories, things my parents had touched. Every night I wrap up in a blanket that was my birth mom's...it's one small way to feel connected to her. Sure there is still alot of pain, and I sometimes feel guilty in having that. But then I remember how incredibly lucky I am to have 3 sisters and a brother who would do anything for me and visa versa. They are outstanding people and we have all become very close. :)
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All you can do is grieve and all you can do is let it happen. Go find a warm, cozy, safe place and let it go. My search revealed that both my birth parents were deceased. That was 15 years ago and I still occasionally feel the need to cry. Know that you are not alone. It helps a little bit.
I'm so happy I found this thread. In my search, I hit a dead end. The lead, which we 100% believe was my birthmom, passed away in 2007 according to records. My heart sank when I found out the news. Couldn't stop crying. I think this is her, but have no idea.
I just need advice on where to go from here. I've been considering seeing a psychic/medium, very well known, but that is a lot of money. Also, I do have a PI lined up in case she is alive.
In order to get my angst out, I've decided to start writing a blog about the experience. I would recommend doing the same. It reminds me of a diary I used to have.
[url=http://missingpieces-adoptee.blogspot.com/]Putting the Pieces Together: The Puzzle that is Adoption[/url]
Alliecat,
I'm gonna jump in and ask if you have any siblings that you may want to reunite with?
I am a birthsister and I want to find my half-brother. In fact, now that my mother has passed away, I want to find him all the more. But I don't know how to find him since my mother took most of the important details to the grave with her.
I sure hope that if our brother ever goes looking for our mother that he doesn't stop looking for us when he finds out she died.
Just thought I'd add a different perspective to this thread.
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I also found out while searching for my birthmother that she had passed away 5 years prior to me finding her. I had actually thought about searching a couple of years before she passed away, but something told me not to, so I postponed it. She had not told her family that she was pregnant with me, so I don't know how she would have reacted if I have found her while she was alive.
On another note, I went out on a limb and wrote her sister a letter. Like I said, she had no idea about me, but contacted me back and we have formed a great relationship. She has sent me lots of photos and information about my birthmother that has been amazing to receive. I have also been able to find a half brother and have connected with him as well.
I would definitely carry on and try to find other birth relatives that you may be able to reach out to. Even if it is not your birthmother, you may be able to form a relationship with them or at least gather more information about her.
Best of luck and would love to help or know how this turns out for you!
iwagrlVA
Alliecat,
I'm gonna jump in and ask if you have any siblings that you may want to reunite with?
I am a birthsister and I want to find my half-brother. In fact, now that my mother has passed away, I want to find him all the more. But I don't know how to find him since my mother took most of the important details to the grave with her.
I sure hope that if our brother ever goes looking for our mother that he doesn't stop looking for us when he finds out she died.
Just thought I'd add a different perspective to this thread.