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Well, we are waiting again to hear if we've been chosen to parent a 12 year old girl, 13 in September. She was taken from her BMom and placed in fostercare at the age of 9 and was placed once with a family, but when it came to finalization of the adoption she said she didn't want it. The family sent her packing basically and now she is back in fostercare. The SW was obviously upset by the former aparents and did not understand, as do I, why they did not call her bluff so to speak. It seemed to everyone involved, according to the SW, that the young lady was testing them and they failed miserably. I'm sure her testing will be even more now with the next placement, but we are ready for the challenge, at least we hope we are, if we are chosen for her. We agreed also that if she doesn't want finalization right away we will not push her, but instead give her the time she needs to trust us. She was willing to stay with the former aparents and I still can't believe they said no.
I'm trying to gather info on adopting teens off the net, but not finding much. I guess if we're matched I'll have to break down and buy a book or two. We should hear something in the next couple of weeks after the decision is made, we can't wait!
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Wow Honu!
I do wonder though what the previous family's reasons were? Any way you can contact them for first hand info? Just the first thought in my mind was there has to be more to it than this.
Not saying you have to believe everything either, just might help you get a better picture overall of where the girl might be coming from, possible issues etc.
I don't know anything about the teen adoption, sorry! Just wanted to say "hi" and keep us posted.
I've no doubt that Mike, Indy, Lucy and others here will have more insight for ya...
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While books can be helpful, I'll suggest a few at the end of this post, with the type of situation you are describing, you will also need professional support/help. The you will need professional help to work with the girl to resolve the causive trauma that led to the current situation (removal at age 9, foster care, disruption, etc). You will need help and guidance with appropriate therapeutic parenting approaches. Books:Creating Capacity for Attachment, edited by Arthur Becker-Weidman & Deborah Shell Attaching in Adoption by Deobrah Gray Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel Hughes regards
Hi - we did fost/adopt with a girl who was 11 when she arrived (she's now 13, and we also adopted her now 8 year old brother).
They had a disrupted adoption two months before we met them - she decided she didn't want them and she made it very, very clear.
She wasn't sure about us, either, but we stuck with them - I've never cried so much as I did that first six months we had them, and in the next 18 months, I've never laughed so much.
It was really, really hard (the morning we had our adoption ceremony she and I were sitting on the sofa, crying, because she was being such a stinker, and I asked if she really wanted this. She sniffed and said yes but she really didn't want to lose her bmother.)
We've explained, explained and explained again how they're not losing her - they're just gaining us. It's still hard, but two years later, I wouldn't trade these kids for anything.
A typical weekend involves our son and his friends blasting between houses, swimming, gameboy-ing and mock-swordfighting (there's three families in the immediate neighorhood) and last night, we had three 13 year old girls camped out in the living room. It's barely controlled bedlam, but, as my partner says, this is how it's supposed to be.
BTW, both kids were behind in school when we got them. It took work on everyone's part, but they're A students (she's a year ahead in math and in honors society).
So, so worth it. Just survive the first six months - it WILL get better (remember to eat! I dropped 25 pounds but ******, they came back with 10 of their friends.)
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VBandSFI had a very similar experience when we adopted 4 yrs ago. We adopted sibling group of four. Ages were 5,7,9 & 11. The oldest, a boy, wanted no part of being adopted. Every time we mentioned the word he would say "But I don't want to be adopted". I agree that it took about 6-12 months before things sort of settled down. One wet the bed, all sucked their thumbs, one had temper tantrums, they lied, stole and hit each other. It was crazy! By the time the finalization came around (a year later) our son no longer was saying he didn't want adopted. They all had gained our trust and new that we weren't giving up on them even with the bahavior issues which were just their way of testing us. The bedwetting stopped, the thumb sucking stopped (except for youngest who still sucks her thumb - she's 9 now) Four years later and I love these kids so much! they are loving and wonderful. It does take patience and time. I totally agreed with your post and hope that the original poster has read it. It is hard and scary during those first months but I think for all that these kids have gone through, it's really no surprise.DianaMom to Jermaine, Jhalonda, Jazz & Tahira