Reactive Attachment Disorder

August 24, 2005

bakerk,

It is hard to stick with it at times. It's not so much wanting to "end it." It's looking at the extreme behaviors we're dealing with & wondering how we'll survive if there is no progress in the next 7 years. It's having other people not understand & think that we (the parents) must be the problem, because "a child could never............." It's feeling isolated in a world of which it seems that no one else knows what to say to you...& distances themselves for utter lack of words.

Why do I stick with it? Wow...well...I know that if we too were to give up on our severe RAD child (like 13 other placements have), she would only be that much more damaged. It's realizing that these other people that gave up on her didn't know half of what we do about her...& still said it was "too much." What are the chances that someone else could commit to her? It's reminding myself everyday that she is merely a child...a very, very wounded child. It's remembering that she is testing me over & over again everyday, because she's so terrified of me leaving her as well...but also terrified of the "foreign" feeling of love, bonding, & trust. It's all about not taking it personally...not blaming her for the situation...not resenting her presence in the family.

I have to say that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with saying, "I couldn't do that." You have to set your own tolerance level, & you are not alone. I too (at one time) said, "I couldn't/wouldn't do that." If you're not ready, you're not ready. It's better that you admit that, so that a child isn't disrupted. There is no shame in it, & we are all at different places in our lives.

Not all children are this severe (& I haven't told it all here), but be wary. Understand that not all agencies make full disclosures about the child's history (although they are supposed to). Furthermore, much of the behaviors may have gone undetected. In our RADlette's case, her profile said she was a "sweet, loving child" who "has no problems in the foster home or at school." Luckily, we knew that couldn't be possible after 6 years in foster care & 13 moves! So...we were prepared for "bad news"...We braced ourselves. :)

I admit it; it is hell, but I do it on the pretenses of hoping to make some small difference...of hoping that she will learn some measure of success in her life. It's all based on hope...& we RAD moms & dads must prepare ourselves for the reality that no difference may ever occur. All we can do is try.

We don't see the end of any tunnel right now, but as our support group describes it, we are currently "in the trenches." We are in the volitale stage...the stage that pushes many parents over the edge. It's hard to see clear of the smoke we are currently in, but we go on remembering why we are doing this & what our goals are for this child. The reality is that there may never be an end to the tunnel. We may have to grieve over & over again, if she chooses to continue on her current path. We may indeed face the heartbreak of watching her abuse drugs, enter prostitution, or whatever, but as we consider that reality, we make sure that everyday we've done everything we can. Then, if it does turn out in depressing ways, we'll guard our hearts by knowing that we gave it our all. Our love is truly unconditional. I couldn't have imagined I would see & experience the things I have in the last year, & perhaps I would have run for the hills if I had. But I'm here now, & this little girl needs me. She needs parents who care enough to invest their time & energy into her...inordinate amounts of time & energy...& parents who care enough to hold her accountable for even the actions that seem trite.

Don't feel ashamed at all to ask such questions, because you are doing exactly what you should at this point...researching. Alarmingly, the majority of people I've met who have become involved in foster care or foster to adopt have NOT done much research beforehand & are emotionally & spiritually crushed when the child doesn't met their expectations or preconceived ideals or "fairy tale" of a family. I applaud you for taking such responsibility in your choices.