Just found out I was adopted..54 years old!

So surprised to hear such similar stories as one I grew up with. I have a cousin who is adopted. We as the cousins aunts etc.. were all sworn to secrecy( don't know how since this family can not keep a secret) My cousin found out about 1 1/2 years ago ( she is now 37) when her father died. Once again mom never wanted her to know and dad went along with it. After her dad died some how she go a hold of some info and asked around if she was adopted. We all finally told her yes. Her mother was very ill and died soon afterwards. She has not found her Bio parents. She started to look at first but I'm not sure if she has continued. It was not easy for us as family having to hold a secret that we did not agree with. Then having to admit we knew. Doing this to an adopted child effects so many people. We are in the process of trying to rebuild that relationship with her since she continues to be very hurt.

Yes but you did not hold on to the secret after her Dad died..my cousins all did..for many many years...WHY? If they hadnt waited so long I could have gotten the adoption papers but they were destroyed after my step-mom died which was AFTER my father....Not many lead left now.....

mbeth, I am sorry you had to learn about being adopted so late. I have heard so many reasons why people did this. Most of the time not very good reasons. One being that it would hurt you to know. The steotype of the "wounded adoptee" and if you were not told then you presumably wound not hurt...good intentions but flawed. The big family secret....no one has the courage to break it...or maybe they felt that the reasons above weree valid..... another reason I think was that if they didn't tell you they could pretend that it was as if.....as if you were all theirs and would not have to deal with finding bparents ect. What I could never understand is how cousins can all know but no one gave you the respect of knowing.... I can't imagine the sense of betrayel you must feel... good luck finding your birthparents. Donna

Mbeth, I am also really sorry, I have known my whole life. I can't even try to imagine how it must feel for you. I will never understand why some choose to never tell or wait untell they are forced because of the fear someone else will. Why some think they are protecting the ones they love by telling them lies,, is beyond me. What is lost in the end is the relationship. Insecurities and fear of loosing can end in devastation. For both but especially for the one thought they were doing the right thing. To me the person telling the lies are not protecting the ones they love, just themselves. I have someone in my life who does this and has for 15 years, she has finally seen the results of here actions. We have nothing to do with her. Do any of the family members feel remorse? and have they tried to help you with your search. Are you very close to your family? I wish you luck, andi

i found out at 40 it was great but the honeymoon so to speak is over....request from social services "non-identifing info" first ........ do you know what county you were born in??????? i knew from a child...... found out by accident.......... long story......... i am working on writing it.......... it was all good, i was not angry or really hurt but new twist.....mom is 65 and she now moved even further away from me............ plus there is another child (boy) she gave away as well..... she kept a girl and a boy........... i feel like an idiot at times....... a child like it is the same all over again......... i wanted to know and God in His time granted me that wish........ I dont regret it but i never expected some of what i am experiencing now.....my adoptive mom and dad are dea now........ they were the best......i didnt know just really how much till now...........

I was born In Buffalo NY..Milard Filmore hospital...Still waiting to hear from NYS. How long did it take for you to received info from them? How did that lead you to your **? Sounds like you do have a story to tell...I am getting NOWHERE fast!!! Yes my parents, both long gone. were absolutely wonderful!

I'm a birthmother who relinquished my daughter in 1954. My daughter is 51 now and we reunited when she was 32. I can tell you that there was a dense veil of secrecy in adoption in the 1950s. My daughter's Mom told me that the attorney even told her to be sure to disguise herself when she came to the hospital to pick up my baby. I SAW her that morning and never forgot the strange little lady in the floor length mink coat and the veiled picture hat standing by the Taxi waiting for the nurse to bring her my baby. She didn't know my name, but she saw me too (she told me the day Susan and I had our face-to-face reunion). Susan's adoption was never kept a secret. Her parents raised her to love and respect me ... the birthmom lurking in the shadows. In fact, it was her Mom who called to tell her to watch a program on adoption reunion on tv that December in 1986 when she was led to me, and our reunion. The lawyer and doctor told to go on with my life and forget the experience. They said I would marry and have other children; I was to put it all behind me. Even the doctor told me that no one need ever know I had a baby. The memories never went away and I never married or had other children. I lived with the hope that one day my daughter would want to know me and her genetic history. There are many thousands of birthmothers who were told the same things, only to discover that you can't amputate your child any more than you can amputate a leg. You may not see either, but you will always FEEL them. I'm so sorry for adult adoptees who discover late in life that they are adopted. It is like someone tried to remake them into someone else. What harm can there be in a child knowing they are adopted and that someday, if they desire, they can know their birthfamily. It is true that you can, and most do, love the adoptive parents deeply, but experts suggest that the "shadow" of the birthmother is always there. When one marries, the parents share their child with the mate's parents. Why is it so difficult to understand that one can love more than ONE set of parents. A birthmother/father can never be the PARENT, but they do have a genetic tie to the adoptee. Why does there have to be stress and secrecy? It is sad that something as wonderful as adoption can be twisted into the theft of Identity. I'm so sorryl I ache for each of you and pray that you can put all the pieces of your identity together. Hugs, Carol Bird

I always knew I was adopted and also knew all I had to do was ask and I can't imagine just finding out at an older age. I have an older 1/2 sister who didn't find out she was adopted until her a/parents passed away and she found her adoption records, what a shock for her. She was an only child but she now has two sisters. My older sister (adopted) and I share the same first name except for one letter we thought that was great and we look so much alike we could pass for twins. I wish you the best of luck in looking and hope you reunite. Best wishes, Windwalker

Would you believe that my son and I were both registered on adoption.com, and we never connected the dots for the three years that we both were listed there? The only reason I can imagine is that timing was not right. There were minor discrepancies in our postings, such as the birth date, so be sure to search the reunion registry for listings within a couple weeks either side of your birthday. I lived in a home for unwed mothers during my pregnancy and we had no access to calendars, newspapers, radio, tv, etc., so I never knew the exact birthdate. We also had a discrepancy regarding the state in which the adoption took place. I thought it was in my home state and his adoptive parents' home state (same), he thought it was the state where he was born, and now it turns out that it was done through D.C. courts. So don't overlook places that you have already searched because some of the details in postings may not be completely accurate. I wonder how many other matches are out there that have been overlooked for the same reason.

Dear mbeth......I know exactly how you feel. I am 59 and just found out 13 months ago that I was adopted. I registered with the State of NY Health Dept. 9/04 They tell you it would take between 6 - 12 months before you hear anything. In July 05 I called them they told me they couldn't give me any info on the phone to write a letter, which I did. Middle of Sept. I received a letter stating "the NYC office of Vital Records is unable to locate your sealed birth certificate file" and that they have to petition a court or something.So here I sit waiting.... just like you. All my cousins knew and my one Aunt that is still alive. They were all sworn to secrecry. But all that they say they know is that I was adopted and it was right out of the hospital. My mom passed away 13 years ago and my father 40 years ago. All I can say is my best of luck to you...........Tasha1

TASHA1, Isn't it amazing that there are so many of us..It is such a long hard wait for the info from NYS. I dont understand what they told you It dones make sense.Why would they have to petition the court? Have you gone on the NY Adoption web site (Sylvia's adoption page) I belong to their list server and get emails with much information in them. Anyway I hope we both hear something soon.Stay in touch

still waiting.......

Tasha, I tried replying to you awhile ago and I dont think it posted. We have alot in common. Do you know that if you wer born in NYCity you can access your original birth certificate by looking through their birth books IF you have the nunber on your amended birth certificate. Being born in Buffalo all I hit is brick walls and nasty people! I'm getting nowhere fast as I still wait for the DOH in Albany.Regards,M

Does your state have the ability to appoint a CASA (court appointed special adovocate)? I have been considering opening my great grandmother's adoption records, found that there is a little information in them. A CASA could be a good option.

Hello MBeth, I am 55, There had always been a rumor going round that I was adopted, but so many things happened, It seems right off there was a disconnect between my “parents” and myself, at age 10 I was placed in a “Group Home” by my “parents” 3 years later they relinquished parental rights making me a ward of the state.( a different one than where I was evidently adopted) I have spent my entire life wondering what it was that I did so wrong to make this happen. Fast forward to yesterday, my “Father” is dying of Spleen cancer, (yes even though I am technically no longer theirs I still call them mother and father) my brother and I flew out to help him and to start to take care of his final wishes I had the opportunity to read his “Will” and there it was in black and white, I truly was adopted. I have kept my real feelings from my brother/adoptive brother telling him I’m ok, I’m no where close to ok. I’m not even sure what to do next. Maybe there is nothing seeing that it is a little more than “midlife” but my brain has so many questions none of them that will be answered by my now “Relinquished Adoptive Parents” I have no clue what to say or do next, it was easier just as a rumor I could ignore it and carry on. Now I have to go back to “Fathers” house today and help my brother. He is my support and crutch at the moment but he’s had issues as well. Sorry so long I do hope your Adoptive parents were loving and supportive even if they did keep the secret. Thanks for reading. T.