Surprising Response

Hey Maggie :)Thanks for asking those questions :) Many people just assume the answers without ever asking the questions!!Yes, I have experience with twins and young infants. I started my first paid mommy's helper job at 12 years old(although I only worked 4 hr. a day) for a family that had twin newborn girls, a 2 year old, and a 3 year old. From there I went into a home day care situation(age 15) where I was in sole charge of 4-6 children ages 12months - 5 years(also 4 hrs. a day) As I matured so did my jobs. By the time I was 24 I was a full charge nanny of 3 under 3(which included a set of 18m twin boys) which was 20(usually 24) hrs a day 6-7 days a week. plus ALL cooking, cleaning, laundry(for ENTIRE family) and ALL household shopping and errands...pretty much the parents showed up to sleep at night...there were times when the kids and I didn't see them for weeks at a time..knew they were there...just never saw them:( . From that experience I KNOW that I can do just about ANYTHING with a triple stroller or a double backpack including amusement parks and traveling alone...ME with 3 children....I know what it is like to be a restaurant with 2 screaming babies and a hyper 2 year old:eek: ...I've also spend several years teaching Pre-K, as well as caring for infants 6weeks-24 months in an accelerated preschool setting.SO...lol...I'm going into this with my eyes WIDE open!! lolI know how hard it will be..but I also know how rewarding it CAN potentially be. and I KNOW that I am capable of doing it, and doing it well :) :)I know the bonding may not be a happy ever after...As to WHY...The biggest reason is that I enjoy the interactions and experiences I have had with twins in the past. I've been blessed to work with 9 different pairs of twins over the last 10 years(ranging in age from newborn to 7 years). And I would LOVE to experience it not only a care giver, but as a parent.I also want my children to be very close in age, and to grow up together. (Yes...I know being close in age does NOT mean they will be close in others)I hope to have all my children home before my 35 birthday...I take my hat of to single women who adopt after 40...I know if I would be up to by then! lol BUT then I may be one who keeps adopting into my 50s..I just dont' know...but as of now my target age is 35! :DI have a potential opportunity(85% chance of happening) that has arisen for the financing of my adoption. It will cover most of what the adoption fees will be for adopting 2 children...BUT whatever money that I do NOT use will disappear and I will NEVER get it back. And it is unlikely that I will be able to save enough money quick enough to be able to pay the fee for another adoption in the next 4 or 5 years...and I really don't want that kind of delay between my children. I wouldn't turn down a singleton if that is all my country of choice refers to me...but when I dream I see 2 shining faces looking up at me.Please if any one else has questions please ask!! I love to share!!!

Shana, There are so many opinions on this issue (as you have seen from the responses). The fact is that only YOU know about your own situation....your support system, experience, energy level, patience, ability to deal with adversity, willingness to parent a child(ren) with special needs, etc... No one else knows you like you do. I think saying that virtual twinning (I dislike artificial...my kids are very real) is abusive is going overboard. Is there the potential for abuse? Sure...but that is true of someone adopting a single child, biological twins, sibling groups, etc.. It is true of married parents and single parents, first time parents and experienced parents. The fact of the matter is, that there are children who need families. We all want what is best for these children. Living in an orphanage or a temporary fosterhome is not the best situation for anyone. You know and I'm guessing your social worker who does the homestudy will also have an opinion, if you parenting two small children is best for two children. If you're asking, "Can it be done?", the answer is "yes, it can". But your individual experience in adopting multiple children at once will depend on you and the children you adopt. Learn as much as you can. Talk to the adoption community. Go out and meet people who have adopted multiple children, virtual twins, single adoptive parents, parents with children with attatchment issues and other special needs. Make an informed decision, both for your future child(ren) and for yourself. Kim

I think others have given you many valid and important items to think about. Here are some random thoughts and inquiries that I have. [list][*]Artificial twins are *not* twins and should not be expected to behave as such. Experience with twins may not apply in this situation. They will not have the bond shared between twins although I concede that it could be possible to foster one. But what if it doesn't happen? [*]If children are adopted at seperate times to allow for long term one on one bonding, only the first adopted child will receive the long term one on one bonding. Therefor the argument against artificial twinning would not be applicable to a second child anyhoo. KWIM? [*]Even though it is in your best interest to adopt two at a time for financial reasons that may be putting your best interest ahead of the children's best interest. [*]On the flip side,...if it's a matter of two now or one now/two never, depending on the circumstances it may be better for two to have a home than to languish in a non-stimulating environment. I am not fully aware of the conditions of Vietnamese orphans so understand that is just a general statement and I impress that it may, or may not apply. [/list] With that said, I want to impress that they are random thoughts and not necessarily aimed at the original poster. Furthermore, as you may already devise from my list of thoughts, I am not for or against artificial twinning but I am a strong advocate for approaching it with responsibility and education. Only an adoptive family knows what they are capable of handling. I know of families that have sucessfully raised two unrelated children of relatively the same age. I also know of families that were unsucessful. Just be cautious, wise, educate yourself and put the children's needs first and foremost. To the OP, I wish you luck and much happiness whatever you decide. :) Oh, and BTW,...equating artificial twinning to child abuse, in my opinion, is rediculous.

vietnam does not allow two unrelated children to be adopted at the same time by the same family. Twins are available, but very rare. Good luck!

First of all, if you're interested in adopting 2 at once, PM me if you're interested in Ethiopia. They allow it, many people adopt even 3 or 4 at once. I would never adopt more than one at once, but that's b/c I know my limits. I think peoples' limits are all different and it's quite likely you are able to handle 2. Just b/c I wouldn't do it well doesn't mean you wouldn't!! I adopted an 8 month old boy from Ethiopia (15 months now). It's been easy and wonderful Also I want to say that I have 2 wonderful, healthy bio girls who are 3 and 4. I was pregnant w/#2 when my 1st was 6 months old. People keep saying it's different (easier) w/biologically related kids, but what I think they mean is that it's easier w/HEALTHY bio kids. Would 2 adopted healthy kids who might or might not have attachment issues be harder than one? Probably. Would it be harder than one bio kid w/major developmental issues? Maybe not. Would it be harder than one bio w/autism? Maybe not. At least when you go into adopting 2 at once you KNOW (if you've done your homework) it's going to be hard. When you get bio twins, or even one bio, half the time people aren't expecting it (it's a "surprise"!) and when the bio kids have big developmental issues they almost always aren't expecting it--they have to deal w/it all on the fly. In adoption, you do have a "heads up" of what to expect and if you're a responsible person who researches all this, this can be tremendously helpful. You can find research to support anything you believe--pro or con. People go in w/agendas. To me, it boils down to this: know your limits, whatever they are, and heed them. I do think homestudy agencies should turn down more people--both for single and multiple adoptions. I think it's too easy to get through them. But I also think there are plenty of people capable of handling more than one unrelated adopted child at a time. I'm just not one of them :-) Teranga

Like many other adoptive mothers I believe my children were destined to become a part of my family and there was a hand in bringing us together. My kiddos are also adopted "virtual twins" with special needs and attachment issues. I dislike the terms, "artificial twins" or even "virtual twins" because I know my children are NOT twins! I simply have two children who are very close in age. I don't expect them to be at the same place developmentally, I don't expect them to have the same personality....they are two very different, wonderful, non-biologically related people. If your desire is to adopt two infants...twins, siblings or non-related infants...then go for it. I think a responsible informed parent will understand that each one of those situations is different and comes with its own challenges and rewards.

I am lurking here, as I normally only post on the Russian adoption board. However, I wanted to lend my support. I am a single adoptive mother. I met an adorable little girl when my choir sang at her orphanage in 2003 and I knew she was meant to be my daughter. I was stunned to learn she was 11 - I thought she was about 8 when I met her, she was so tiny. I went through a lot to adopt her, lots of obstacles. My dear brother told me I was nuts. I brought home my 13 year old daughter from Russia in 2004. Several people told me I was crazy, she would be a handful, I was making a huge mistake. They were all wrong. I knew in my heart we would be fine and I was right. Two things, though. Read and educate yourself as much as possible. Even kids less than 6 months old can have attachment problems. Just be prepared. Have a great support system in place, ready to really help. I have terrific friends and family members who were my lifesavers. Be prepared to be exhausted a LOT the first year. I was, even with an older child - not physically so much as emotionally. It's overhwleming, even with just one. I would recommend you adopt one child, then go back for another, but if you feel called to get two at once, go for it. Just be aware of the dangers and get prepared. Good luck and God bless - Dee

I also wanted to put my two cents in about Ethiopia. The twin rate is very high over there (also in other African countries) and several of the agencies allow you adopt more then one child (unrelated) at once. Also, twins are relinquished because of the additional cost to feed/care for them. The agency we are with has placed several sets just this year. PM me if you want more info.Are you opposed to a young sibling set? Or do you want them to be the same age? Just curious.

I, too, am wondering if you would consider siblings rather than same-age infants. You have had more experience with multiples than I have. My sister has twins and I've nannied for triplets and a family with two sets of identical twins + two singletons. I, personally, was amazed at how much more difficult it was to nanny for triplets than it was to care for three--or even four--children. The fact that they were so close developmentally (not in the same place, but close) made it extremely difficult. And, I felt sorry for the girl in the bunch. She had been designated the responsible one and never got to be just a kid. She was always called upon by her parents to help her brothers. (Obviously, though, that was a parenting issue more than anything else.) Having two babies on your own would be incredilby difficult. Having two babies with attachment and pi issues on your own would be even more difficult. This is not to say it's impossible or to cast aspersions on your parenting abilites. It's just a heartfelt desire for the best for you and your chilren. Really, it's not up to any of us on these boards. Is it abusive to adopt two babies on your own? No. Is it wise? I would think not. But, it's not up to me. Read. Talk to people who have adopted twins. (I've got a good friend who did if you want to e-mail her...) Pray. You'll know what to do. Wishing you the best, Kate

It's so hard to comment on this, and I'd like to keep emotions out of my post, but why interested in two infants at once? Twins are terrific. However, in the case of artificial twins, you now have three people getting used to one another. Two of these people are terrified and don't understand what's going on. Attachment, with any child, even the "normal" ones, is a LOT of work. Why put undue stress on yourself and your children? You deserve your two children, and you deserve to be happy, but you have to be realistic. What I'm afraid of is that you are a very good person, but a social worker is going to flip during a homestudy when she hears about the idea of adopting two non-bio infants at once. You might be a really great person, but most people who do things like this aren't really good people who are looking to raise a family. Not that you are the latter, but why associate yourself with these kind of people?That's me, trying. :rolleyes:

Blue...I'm confused.... Why would someone interested in raising 2 kids at once be considered "not a really good person looking to raise a family?" And in the case of 3 people getting used to one another, you have a chance of that happening regardless. My 4 kids are siblings but they were not bonded to each other very well and had to learn not only to attach to myself but each other. I'd suspect in an orphanage setting, sibling bonds are not fostered with great care either (it's all they can do to keep kids fed etc.) and might not even be in the same area of the orphanage etc. Too many factors, imo, that play into all of this. And for the record, when we first looked into adoption, we were planning to adopt from Ukraine. We were also looking for either a sibling pair or 2 un-related children/infants. Our social worker asked us questions and gave us possible scenarios/concerns etc., but flip out? Far from it...

For me, as a single middle class american, it just makes more sense. I want 2 children at least, fairly close to together in age. I want the baby experience(under 9 months old at bring home if possible). I wouldn't be opposed to a sibling group, but have found that young sibling groups are fairly rare in many of the countries I've looked at(who will also adopt to single women). Another issue for me is the financial side of things. (as I said, I'm a single, middle-middle class american)It will be easier to raise $35K ONCE then to raise 22-25K TWICE... Blue...Not sure what you mean by "but most people who do things like this aren't really good people who are looking to raise a family." I know quite a few people who have adopted 2, 3 or even 4 children at a time(and not always sibling groups) who adopt because they just have a heart for children, not because they have some sinister plot planned out...I went to school with a family who adopted two sibling groups at one time and brought home 5 children at once. And their kids turned out GREAT :) lol Time, age and parents make all the difference as far as I'm concerned :) As for the SW issue: I've discussed it at length with several of my friends who are SWs. They don't see a big issue with it as a long as I'm totally aware of all the pros and cons of the situation(which they and I feel I am :)). The biggest issue is finding an agency that is willing to cooperate with me :) and I have find just such a one, that is less worried about their bottom line then placing children into a loving home.

The agency I'm using will not allow two unrelated children to be adopted at the same time because, apparently, disruptions are more common in this situation. (Not a big deal for us, as we are interested in one child anyway.) They do seem to have young sibling pairs, though. We are adoptiong from Ethiopia, who allows single moms.

After rereading my last post, I decided my info about finding an agency wasn't clear :) I've FOUND an agency and a back up agency(in case I need to switch countries) who are willing to work with me on a double placement :) If anyone is interested feel free to sent me a PM for my agency info :) And I'll be HAPPY to share about who NOT to pick lol It was truly amazing how I was treated by some of the big national agencies.

Shana, I'm so glad you found an agency willing to work with you! That's great news! It was not my experience that the SW flipped out. In fact, it was our AGENCY that suggested we adopted two little ones almost simulataneously. The SW works with the agency so she just had to come to the house to update the homestudy for two rather than one. And she was very happy and excited for us. Good luck on your journey and keep us updated!!! Kim