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Guys, I could really use some advice and words of wisdom from all you great parents! :)
My DS is in 2nd grade, and is basically a healthy, happy, confident boy. He does really well in school, has lots of friends, loves and does well at sports, etc. Really, no major problems, so it seems a little silly to worry about this, but I am, so...
Over the last few weeks, my son has developed a very strong fear of being alone. Anytime. Anywhere. This includes needing to follow me down to the kitchen to get a drink of water rather than wait in my room for 1 minute alone. Not just at night either - even at 2 in the afternoon when 5 other people are home in various parts of the house. It means if he notices I'm not in the same room with him because I went to the bathroom, he yells "MOM???" to make sure where I am. He won't even go across the hall to his own room to look for a toy unless I go with him (or his sister - someone). And it seems to be getting worse, not better. So, I'm pondering a few things and could really use some feedback.
First - where is this coming from? He started a little of this after the tsunami - that was very stressful for him, and he had lots of fear about terrible things happening to him, or of losing me somehow, the way his friend thought his mom was gone when she was washed away (she survived, thankfully). He was very distressed by the notion that parents die sometimes, as one of our other friends did that awful day. But after a few weeks his anxiety seemed to ease, and then we were gone for the summer for 4 weeks, traveling around a good bit, and he was with both of us pretty much every minute. I know the hurricane thing has brought up a lot of stuff for him, but this pre-dates that.
I also wonder if it's my fault -- while we were in the States he kept dashing away from me, in the airport, at Busch Gardens, at the mall - and I finally after many times telling him he had to stay with me, had a talk with him about it not being safe for children to wander away from their parents in the States. He's just not used to those warnings - it's not a big concern where we live. So now I wonder if I overdid it - if that, combined with the tsunami, and with being a little sensitive by nature anyway, has just tipped him into strong anxiety about it. And if so, I feel awful... :(
Another possibility is that life has just been too complicated lately. He just started 2nd grade (in his school, that means upstairs with the big kids). His big sister just left us to go to college. And before that, she was quite sick, and I was gone with her having surgery in a neighboring country for a couple of weeks. And then, of course, he was without me again when I took her to college, and he came back here with his dad and sister ahead of me. He loves his daddy - and he has two other siblings still at home, plus our live-in babysitter we've had for 11+ years, but he's very much the "snuggle with mommy" type guy, so I do know he missed me. And, I've only been back 2 weeks. But this seemed to start even while we were on vacation, and he doesn't just want ME, he wants anyone to be with him, at all times.
But then the question is what to do about it? I've tried talking to him - he doesn't seem to be able to say what he's worried about will happen, though he has made off-hand comments about robbers and so on (totally not a worry here either, so I dunno...). I do know he's embarrassed about it. When he calls "Mom?", and I answer, he says "Never mind". Or makes up silly excuses for why he wants to come with me everywhere because he doesn't want to say it's because he's nervous or afraid. He'll refuse to get his own pajamas to avoid going into his room, but say it's because he's too tired, or he wants DD to do it for him. One time I asked him why he didn't want to be alone for a sec and he started to cry and said something like "I don't know. Everyone asks me that. I'm not scared, I just don't like it. Everyone says I'm a baby and I don't like that!!" I have no idea what provoked that - we haven't said anything like that to him or tried to make him feel bad or that there's even anything wrong with being scared. We are so NOT the "suck it up and be a big boy" type parents. Who knows what 9 yr. old big sis though may have said? or friends? or he can tell we're a little worried?
So, what do you suggest? Should I just give it more time and try not to make a big deal about it, but give him extra love and support? Should I press him to think about what is worrying him even though he doesn't seem to want to? Do you think it could be something more serious that a counsellor should talk to him about? I haven't thought so - but on the other hand, he's had a lot on his plate for sure, and the tsunami was a big one. Or, of course, another possibility is that this is a very normal reaction to all of what's been going on, and I'm injecting a lot of my own reactions to all these disasters onto him and making his clinginess right now mean more than it does.
Ack! So much second guessing of my parenting skills going on just now! I could really use some advice and thoughts from you wise moms and dads. Sorry this got so long... and thanks!
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Cheryl, I wasn't around much today (and I certainly wasn't around at 4:30 this morning when you posted ;) ), but I just wanted to pass on the great advice I have been given time and time again: "This too shall pass". And there's probably not a lot you need to do to make it pass except exactly what you are now doing. My nephew went through a phase where he was scared to be alone (he was a little older though). Unfortunately instead of the love and support you give your ds, my sister ridiculed him thinking she could make him "snap out of it!" :rolleyes: In spite of everything she did wrong, he is now a kind and confident young man of 20 who just spent four weeks in China this summer (not entirely on his own, but really stretched himself nonetheless). So I think you are doing everything you need to be doing. And as my wise friend Maia has told me, "enjoy them while they still love you" ... he won't be clinging for long. *sniff*
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Hey Cheryl --
If I were in your shoes, I think keep doing what you are (your understanding of the stressors in his life is very astute). Give him lots of love and support but also gently encourage him to explore on his own. It might be difficult, but try to very gradually move further away from him. For example, if he's playing, at first be visible and verbally engaged, then be visible only, then be out of his line of sight, but within oral contact -- you get it.
Yes, these symptoms may just disappear, or not. If it continues for too much longer, would it be possible to consult a child psychologist? Seven-year-olds are not typically able to articulate the cause of their fears -- at least not verbally. I really think, however, that you've already figured out the precipitants.
Hang in there!
I can't so much give you advice, but I can say, your son isn't alone.
My nephew is 9. He won't go upstairs in his own home alone, he won't go to the basement alone. He won't go in my parents house alone. But he'll wander off at the mall or a store without a care in the world. Go figure!
It should pass. But if it gets into being obsessive, then I would worry and talk with his dr. for advice.
My son was adopted at almost 3, and has been with me 2 years. He still calls out for me. He'll be playing along and suddenly realize I'm not immediately in front of him. He'll call 'MAMA' as soon as I say, I'm here, he just says I love you and goes about his business. Actually he'll stop what he's doing sometimes, and just look at me and tell me he loves me. I don't worry about that - I love it - it makes my day!
Thanks guys! I was actually kinda glad I posted at 4:30 am Plareb (ah, the challenges of time difference!) because after I posted I kinda figured I was overreacting. I just feel so badly for him.
Thanks much for the good advice. One other clue this morning at breakfast. My DD was talking about the safety drills at school -- since it's a new school year, and there are some new kids, they've been practicing several different drills - for earthquakes, for intruders, etc. When he was younger, they called the special intruder bell something that implied they were hiding from the nasty monkeys that are quite big and bold, and do bite. Now that he's older, apparently, his teacher this year called it what it was -- basically hide behind locked doors in case someone comes in the school trying to hurt people. Ugh. Anyway - when DD mentioned they had another drill yesterday, DS burst into tears and said he wasn't going to eat his breakfast if everyone kept talking about yucky stuff. Definitely some safety anxiety going on I guess.
The thing is - and I know you guys go through this in the States too - I can't exactly tell him nothing will ever happen, you know? I can tell him how incredibly unlikely it is, how prepared we are, how many people are around looking out for him to keep him safe and how good we are at it. But, well, if the tsunami taught him anything it was that parents can't always protect their kids - I think that was a major blow to his sense of security.
I think I'm also projecting - I feel guilty for having him in a situation where these things worry him. But then, if I'm rational, the dangers in the States are just as real. We have almost no violent crime here - no drive-by shootings, no drug gangs, no kids bringing weapons to school, no robberies or muggings, and no real risk of a nasty traffic accident given the poor roads and traffic jams that mean we're lucky to get above 25 mph at any time! :rolleyes: Yes - there are risks - the earthquake long overdue is a major one and very real - but an attack on his school extremely unlikely. Foreigners have never been targets here. But objectively I think he's as safe or safer here than in the States. But then when he's stressed - ack - I feel like such a horrible mother.
Thanks for talking me down guys!
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