Already have a 3yr old daugter and considering adoption for this unplanned pregnancy

hey. i have been right where u are now. email me and we will chat about it pinkjazzyice@yahoo.com

hi there! it seems like we're in the same situation, and we seem to have the same frame of mind. hows it going? how are you feeling? is everything okay now? feel free to contact me. i'd love to hear from you. andi

I am an amom of 2 in a very open adoption. My children are 4 and 1 1/2 and have the same first mother. They also have a brother that their first mom (and family) is raising. When my son was born, the oldest was just 15 months old, and when my daughter was born, he was 4. Because our adoption is very open, the children know each other very well and have an unmistakable bond. BUT, that does not minimize the loss that they feel in not being together on a day to day basis. While it is (right now) less difficult for my children - and I am guessing it has to do with them having each other (for biological and emotional reasons) - it is very difficult for their brother. I wish you the best of luck in any decision you make, but I do urge you to think not only of your self and your unborn child, but also of the child you are parenting.

Hi Everyone, Thanks for everyones response and input...Im still waivering in my decision.... I realy have no idea what to do...there are days when i feel good and strong about my decision ....but then there are days when i just break down and cry and think that maybe I should just keep her.... Im running out of time...im due feb 11th and im still torn. I sometimes think it would be easier if someone would tell me what to do....but I know that no one can make this decision for me.....and Im scared and confused.

Hi there Caramia,I'm so sorry for your struggles. And you're right, you're the only one who can make this decision for yourself and your precious little baby. We are here to listen and hold your hand if you need us. I've never been in your shoes, but I feel for you, and I am just so sorry. I can't imagine being faced with this decision. Best wishes to you, and I'll pray for you that somehow you get the answers you need to know in your heart what to do.

Dear Caramia2, I can't imagine how hard it is for you right now. My 22-year old daughter experienced an unplanned pregnancy this year, and we cried for days when she was trying to make her decision about adoption. I remember wishing that a wise sage would tell us what was right and get the agony over with. I can only throw out some ideas for you to think about that may help you. Are you matched with a family for an open adoption? If so, please let them know that you are very uncertain so they are not blind-sided if you can't go through with the adoption. Also, in some states potential adoption parents are required to hire independent counseling (not associated with their agency in any way) for the expectant parents. Have they offered to do this for you yet? If not, find out if it is a requirement and, if it is, insist that they do. It might help you to talk to birthmothers on this forum who have experienced open adoption and try to get some guidance on how to handle the grief of separation. Are you asking for regular visits with your child if you chose adoption? Birthmothers who have open adoption agreements with visitation could give you some advice that may help you understand if the the adoption decision is right for you Even if you decide that adoption is what you want to do, you should make a backup plan to take your baby home for a few weeks in case you need more time. The hospital just after giving birth doesn't strike me as the place and time to make such an important decision. Hormones are just too whacko! I would follow your "gut" on this. If you just can't visualize separating from your daughter, then start planning now to line up support from the baby's father, friends, family, churches, and government programs. I have many single mom friends who patched together a support system (one had no family support whatsoever) and are making it. In fact, there amazing moms (and one dad) were instrumental in helping my family understand how to help my daughter. I think that you need to have a very frank talk with your baby's father and find out how supportive he will be. You state that he is not financially able to help now, but will he be able to help in the future? How permanent are his financial problems? Will he help with child care to reduce expenses? Looking back, I think that we were trying to decide which choice would make it "easier" for my daughter. We finally realized that there is no easy choice, both are painful. You know the hardships of being a single parent. I think that you also realize that open adoption is not a bandaid to prevent the pain of losing a child. By working through the practical issues, my daughter was able to figure which choice was "doable". Does that make sense? It is hard work either way. Happy G'Ma

You're right, Caramia2 - no one can make this decision but you. However, if you are considering keeping your child - and you don't - I believe that you are exactly the kind of person that might have deep regret later on. Have you read this booklet? [url]http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf[/url] Adoption often does seem long the "easier" choice for a woman when a woman is faced with a crisis pregnancy, but, in the long road, I must tell you that for me and many birth moms I know, it turned out to be the most painful road throughout our lives. For most, the pain does not ever completely go away, so that path of a birth mother is a very challenging one. I gave a child up for adoption and raised a child after a divorce mostly by myself. Living with the loss of my son for the past 36 years has been infinitely harder than being a single mom ever was. Explore all the options you have for getting any assistance you need in case you do choose to parent. Otherwise, you may feel trapped after the baby is born if you do not have a plan b which includes keeping the baby. Are finances your main motivation to choose adoption? Or do you really not want to raise this baby? If you do not to raise this baby and could not love and take good care of it, adoption might be a wise decision. But, if you do love this baby and want to keep it - I think you may have deep regrets later if you place your child for adoption. Work on practical solutions for parenting, finances, etc. - and then listen to your heart. The only time in my life that I did not follow my heart - I allowed my son to be adopted - it was the worst decision of my live. For others, placing their children for adoption was a good decision. Trust your head and your heart. P.S. Yes, do PM me too if you want to talk about this.

Hi there, time is not running out on you at all! Please don't panic about having to hand this baby over at a hospital to adoptive parents! This is soooo not the case and don't let any agency tell you it has to be the way. I am a bmother and I would stress looking at all options to get help to parent. Adoption looks like a great solution but the pain over the loss is life long for most bmothers - even those of us in open adoption. open adoption will not take the hurt away for most bmothers. If I could turn back time I would hold my baby and NEVER let her be handed over to strangers. I took my bchild home for a while before I made my decision and I recommend that. If you still want to go down the adoption road there will still be wonderful aparents out there lining up to offer your child a loving home. BTW you will know by now that children get by quite well on the basics of life. ...banjo

I sure hope that you are okay. While no one can tell you what to do AND I don't intend to either. I have to be honest and say that you should really consider keeping her. I say that only because you sound so very very unsure at this point. I know that you want to do what is best for her but maybe what is best for her is you. I gave my second daughter up for adoption and do NOT have ONE single regret but I was 100% sure it was what I should do. I felt sad sometimes during the process but I felt so confident that this was what I should do. You just don't sound even remotely sure and I would hate to see you suffer because you made a wrong choice because of time restraints. Don't do that to you or her. You already have one yes and if you feel that that you should keep this one too then do that. Will it be a lot of hard work? Yes, but if you really want to keep her then you will find ways to make this work. It breaks my heart to see you so torn and I while I agree that adoption is a wonderful (as I was adopted and gave my second child up for adoption) thing, I don't think it is something that everyone can/should do. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless, Jen

Caramia,My heart aches for you and I wish there was something I could do or say to make this whole situation easier for you. I am a Birthmom to two beautiful daughters that I placed for adoption. I won't sugarcoat anything here, it was hard to place both my girls for adoption, but I knew it was the best and right thing to do for me and my girls in my situations. I am okay and 100% at peace with my decision to have placed both my girls for adoption. I know that I did what was best and right for my girls and me when I placed them into the loving families that they're in now. I researched my options and talked to a counselor and other birthmothers and thought through my decision to place both times very carefully before I made my decision each time. So, while there are those Birthmoms out there that do regret placing their children for adoption, there are also Birthmoms out there, who are totally at peace with the decision they made to place their children for adoption. There are both positive and negative experiences with adoption and everyone's experience is unique and different from anyone else's so no one can really tell you what it's going to be like. We can only share our experiences with you, both positive and negative, and let you take that information into account while you think through and research whether you feel you should place your baby for adoption or not. Just make sure to realize that for one story and one point of view, there is another. You are the one who knows yourself the best and knows your heart and your limits so you're the one who knows what you can and can't do when facing a choice like this. Just listen to your heart as you take all this information into account and weigh everything out to come to a final decision at some point and you will know what to do and what is best for you and your baby. Give yourself some time, don't rush and you will be able to come to a decision and feel alright about it. Hang in there and God Bless. Feel free to PM me or any of the others here if you ever need to talk. Anne :)

I would like to add my thoughts to what was already said here. An open adoption is ideal BUT you need to be certain that you do so through a REPUTABLE agency and not just make your own arrrangement with parents. Even the best agencies cannot assure that PROMISES of openness will be upheld, but they do screen and prepare prospective adopters. If you find a couple throuhg a newspepr as or the internet, unfortunately, some will say what you want to hear to get the baby they want, and then diappear and you'll never see them and your child again.Even in the best situation, once you relinquish your rights to parent your child, you relinquish ALL rights. Any openness on the part of ther a-parents is at THEIR discretion and is NOT upheld by any court. You do NOT maintain any kind of joint custody or even visitation rights as in a dovorce. Be clear about that. Know your legal options so you can make an informed choice.I also suggest that you check out the threads here by those who currently have open adoptions, and see how they feel about it. For SOME, openness is so painful that birthmothers have discontinued visiting because it hurt too much. Unfortunately, no decision you make will be easy. AND, the decission you are making is IRREVERSIBLE and will PERMANANTLY effect your life and that of your children.Have you considered how/what you will tell your three-year-old?I feel for your in your hour of decsion-making andd ma very glad you are getting counselling. I wish you the best.Mirah

Caramia, I have never been in your situation, but I just want to reiterate what many of the others have said - you are SO not running out of time. Please don't feel like you need to rush to a decision that you aren't comfortable with. You want to be as certain as you can that this is what you want, and I imagine it is a long and thoughtful process that most if not all birthmoms go through - it is a lifechanging decision for everyone involved and that has got to be the most awesome weight anyone can shoulder - so please, take it day by day, listen to your heart, do your research on your options, talk to those who love you and support you without judgement. I wish you much strength and wisdom in making your decision.

Again...thank you again for all of your guys support...im still trying to deciede....as for right now....i know this sounds horrible ....but i havent quite grown attached to the baby .....because im in so much denial right now.....i mean I know she is there....but i just am scared to become attached.... the father wants to parent ....but he is so irresponsible.....i dont know that i want to live my life with stress of how am i going to be able to feed my 2 children ....and im not even sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with this childs father..... he doesnt treat my daughter that i have now the way that i would want my other half to treat her....he didnt even buy her anything for christmas and that really hurt me....and I just keep imagining what kind of life am I going to have trying to raise 2 girls and then....having to put up with this ones dad....he can sometimes be a pain in the butt....and if he doesnt get his way he gets really mean.....i dont know ....and my daughter that I have now...her father wants me to sign over my rights....because he thinks it will be easier for all of us.....naturally i told him where he could shove it.....he is such a selfish jerk......he just wants her so he can get on state aid and have them pay for all of her daycare so he wont have to pay anything. im just so stressed and confused.....i just dont know anymore.

Hi Caramia, Please take a couple of deep breathes and stop worrying. Stay in denial...you have plenty of time. There is no reason why you can't parent this child for a while then make a decision. I would imagine that this second dad is not going to be in you life for much longer. Yes, it will be annoying have to deal with him for the next 18 years but things will change over that time - he will grow up for a start = perhaps move away so visits will be less but perhaps easier...stuff like that. it is too hard to say exactly what things will be like in 12 months to five years for your family. Please go get help from every charity available to feed your children. Pride is not a good reason to relinquish a child. Please remain calm and let things fall into place. But there is nothing wrong with doing nothing right now...in fact for a long time...just trust that things will fall into place....lol banjo

I To Havent Been In Your Shoes But My Husband And I Are Longing To Adopt And Dont Want To Do It Thru Adoption Agencies.we Feel The Fees Are Horrid.it Only Takes Away From The Baby.i Know My Husband And I Would Love To Be Thought About For Your Baby If You Choose Adoption.im Not Trying To Force Or Anthing So Please Dont Take This The Wrong Way.i Believe You Will Do What You Feel Is Right.god Bless You