I am struggling...

Momster...I am a birth mother, in reunion for three yrs. When I came into the life of the son I had, I felt sad about what his mom, who'd raised him, must be going thru...I know that she did the hard stuff, i so respect that part..I come in almost like a magical person, who was dreamt about, wondered about, etc...I am the first mother, but he probably had no cognitive memories of me. Your step children do remember her...how could they forget...that you were there for the dirty work as well as the on the receiving end of a lot of joy, doesn't matter right now...note, right now. They have been reunited witgh that woman whom they bonded with in a way that wasn't possible with you...not saying that they didn't love you, but there is something different about the woman that carried them vs the woman who mothered them all those years. That she now sends them money..well, that's hard to compete with, not unlike Disney dads..the weekend ones who get their kids and do fun stuff, while mom is the one doing the yucky and good stuff, too, during the week. Right now they are smitten with her, esp a person bearing gifts. they will grow up and see it all for what it is, but it must be at their pace...I know, you want, need them to say, hey, we love you, we are grateful that you have been here for us, after she left this big gaping hole in their hearts for all of those years...that hurts you, but tghey've also been very hurt. It reminds me of the true story about the boy in the hospital burn unit...there because he's been doused with gasoline and set on fire...who does he call out for as he lays in pain..his mother..the same person who set him ablaze. We don't intentionally withdraw from the custodial or guardian parent, it's not to lash out at you, but there is almost a mystical bond that exists. her abscence, while painful for them, and mafde bearable, even ehjoyable, by you, still did not negate their loss. You, my dear Momster, have to find a way to back out of it with your heart and soul intact...it is not about not loving you...it's about being back with their first mother. Your support, done with the same love you have had all of these years, will be what they need. It'll be hard, I know...you mention that your step-daughter had a hard time with the birth of your son...why not? She may have felt misplaced once again. It's not about your son, it's about belonging...no matter how hard you may have tried...they knew, you knew, that they weren't your children in a sense.... even tho you were a family. I trust that they'll always love you..this is new right now. It's about them finding something within them that you couldn't give..the peace of being wanted again by the woman that walked away from them. Try, please, to be in their shoes..their scared little kid shoes...then you find that you were good enough, worthy enough once again to get a shiny new pair? Wow...it's a dream come true, but it does not negate you...How cool that you raised them to have open, forgiving, and loving hearts. May your son grow to be so kind as well..no doubt he will with a momster like you!

What you are telling me - I already know in a cerebral sense - just not in my heart which is why it is so tough. I think, so that taking on such a huge task (raising 2 half grown kids) - my only recourse was to really throw myself into the role...to really try to be their mother for real. I think I always knew that it wasn't really the way things were - that I was really just a stepmother/mom and not a real one. But deep in my heart, I feel like the love they have for her DOES diminish the love they have for me - and it DOES make me less their mom than I was before - and it DOES turn me into and evil stepmother - step monster (hence my screenname "momster"). I feel self conscious about rules that I used to feel confident in. I feel very raw and emotional - and most of all rejected. I think it is worse because I am very young to be any kind of mother to teens - (I started mothering them at 24 and I am only 34 now). Maybe I am not mature enough to handle this well. I can say that my kids have NO IDEA that I am having a tough time - but that makes it hard too in a way. All that said - I really took a lot from what you wrote and I appreciate it very much. I especially liked the "shiny new shoes." I just wish that all the shoes that I helped them pick out over the years had been good enough.

Here's a great example: I just got off the phone with my daughter and we had words. She used to have 3 shifts at work, but she had other people cover the majority of them so that they finally gave all but one of the shifts away. Tonight was her only shift, and she just informed me that she took the night off. She owes me $100 for her portion of her car insurance and for her cell phone. Which means she is totally broke for the week.She claims she has applied for other jobs, but she only applies at places that have no "help wanted" signs. I told her that she needs to show that she has more responsibility than that. She can't take any more nights off until she gets another job - she'll be 18 in a month so I feel that responsibility is a big, important thing she really needs to work on. Well, her mother sent her a check for $100. Now it is invisible that I pay for everything else, college, clothing, cable tv, internet etc. but her mom gets to be the hero because she forked over $100 directly into my daughter's pocket - now I am the bad guy for taking it to pay her bills. Furthermore, this woman owes $1000s of dollars in deliquent child support from the 8 yrs she was gone. ARRRGH

As a child who's grandparents played the money, gift, goodguy game I can relate to what your going through. If it's any consolation, I learned to not play the game, but it was hard. The lure of all they offered was hard to deal with. I recognized all the hard work my parents put into raising us, and I recognized that no matter how much my grandparents tried to negate my (adoptive) dad in my life that he was/is my father. To be honest, my brother was a different story, they dotted on him to the extreme and he loved it, lapped it up. Evantually he grew up and could see all our parents had done, he came to a better relationship with our dad. But he was crippled in my mind emotionally by what our grandparents did, and it wasn't until he was dying that he said to me,"I'm so pist for what they did to me, to us." My grandparents had monthly access to us (by court order), whereas you have had 8 years to build a relationship without any regular contact. I think, I should say I hope this means that as these two kids grow they will be able to reflect on those 8 years and on what they mean. Their mother is a mystery to them, the fantasy mom. There's no way to fight a fantasy. Have you and your husband sat down and talked face to face with her and her husband? Your husband should be doing the talking. Maybe he can appeal to her, let her know that sending money and gifts doesn't make up for those 8 missed years- and is causing problems in his house- what will make up for those 8 years is a positive presence in the kids lives, one of support and love- and that includes being suppotive of the two of you as parents. I would go so far as to have mediated counseling and let them know you all need to work together to work this out. I realize they are some distance away from you, but this effort is worth it. Even just getting together with them to get to know them might have a real beneficial effect. Has there been any discussion of all the child support she owes? Maybe it can be addressed in a college fund, rather than going back and trying to rewrite history by getting back payments. I'm very sorry for what you are feeling. I know my dad had the same experience. He even told me shortly after he'd adopted me (at 15), "You guys don't treat me like your dad, Ive never felt like your dad." That stung, he was always and will always be my dad so I didn't know what the h*ll he was talking about, but I recognize now that he was expressing the external forces on him, the stresses that were on him and and my mom, the ghost of my biological father that my grandparents tried to keep so present. I think you are real, and one day with more life behind them these two kids will be able to reflect on all you gave them, and still give them. They may never call you mom, but please look at the positives in them and recognize the very important part you play in creating that. I wanted to add, I think it would be worth your while to find counseling on your own, a safe place to take these feelings and to sort things out. You also need a nuetral party in my mind to help you see the good that you do and have done. I think the kind of doubt you are feeling could be very pervasive into other parts of your life (been there and felt that with my own mothering).

What am I missing here? As I understand it, these kids are almost 18 and 19 years old!?!?!?!?!? These kids are 'almost' and certainly adults. I agree completely that you are the mom...that they are being ridiculous in their behaviors. I also agree that this biological person is a fantasy mother to them. And, it's true...you can't fight a fantasy...it has to be discovered for what it is---all on its own. So, my big question is......why are you trying? Obviously, you won't be able to 'do enough' at this point. I don't agree that this is them lamenting away and that this person---just because she's the biological mother.......is filling a huge void---just because (Emphasis on 'just because'). I don't buy that. What I do buy....would seem to be two immature kids who have had things handed to them (either intentionally or otherwise)...who are looking for the easiest way out at this place in time. It's easy to say, "Oh, mom (meaning birthmother)......it's been so long, it's been so hard without you.."...while she socks money into their accounts because they 'need it'. This type of relationship isn't quality.....it's quantity. I'm not one to support my grown children in any way--be it college or otherwise. We'll help out....but we won't support them. Period. I wouldn't give your children a lecture. I wouldn't financially support them in some of the ways you've mentioned. What I would do, is realize they are adults now. They are making their decision of 'what's important to them'. So be it. Sure, it hurts.....I'm not minimalizing this at all. But, if this is where their hearts (though I think this is more financial, actually) are.....so be it. Don't even try to 'compete' (which is what it sounds like you're trying not to do, but are). They are adults. They should be 'on their own' and getting a full taste of what the world is like. If they are this easily 'won'........they have a lot of growing up to do. While they do this, I'd be sitting on the sidelines 'waiting'. Because, at some point, they'll grow up enough to see that money isn't everything..and this woman left them 'high and dry' when the chips were really down---birthmother, adoptive mother or step-mother.......she didn't support them in any fashion when she could have (and I don't mean financially). My bet is that in time, they'll see the difference. You just need to be patient. Sincerely, Linny

I don't think a meeting is going to happen anytime soon - we haven't even spoken to her. She lives across the country. I know I could probably use therapy, but I am sure that my daughter especially would really resent it if I tried to make her go - I tried once before when she was really depressed and she went but when she got there, she told the therapist that she only went so I would stop bugging her about it. Someone wrote that I need to stop competing and it is true, but I can't help it. I am so self-conscious now about my "mothering." I am dreading my daughter's birthday because it will feel so odd when she gets some big package from her mother - espcially because she always titles the return address "Mom" and I'll feel hurt if she loves the stuff from her mom more than whatever we get her. My daughter and I had a sort of strained relationship before all this as she was a teenager - many teens have strained relationships with their real moms at that age. We used to do things together but now I feel like it is all so forced - like if I get tickets to a show or something she will think I am trying to suck up. Tonight I made dinner and my daughter and her boyfriend pretty much blew it off - she said that he fell asleep. I have to go put my little guy to bed. More soon

Momster..as much as I can hear the pain and anger in your posts, i am fearful that you will drive your shared daughter away from you. It does hurt, no doubt to have her excited about being back in a way with her firts mom, yet, I wonder if you could find a place of joy in your heart for her? Imagine being separated from the young son you have now, and then seeing him again..even if he just with a baby sitter while you are out..it's so cool to have him run up to you and hug you, isn't it. he probably feels pretty **** good, too, to see you, to see that you are back and didn't leave him forever. That the first mom brings or sends gifts..so what..that is just stuff, which to a teenager does translate into very cool, but she won't be a teen forever, she'll see straighter in time, but please be careful to not let that green-eyed monster get in the way of any future relationship with her..that'd be sad. My hope would be that you could so see how she must have felt all these yrs as she wondered what happened..why did her mom walk..what about her wasn't good enough? None of this is about rejecting you, it's about finding herself..that first mom is giving her children a gift far more valuable than anything that she could send in the mail..that is the frosting..her presence in their lives..wow...that validates them in a way that no one else could..not their dad, not you...because you didn't take anything away from them. The first mom is similar to the prodigal (sp?) son in the bible...he gets welcomed back even after being a big screw up,,,who are we, any of us, to say who's of value and who is not? I am sure that you are hurt, understandably, but no doubt your honest love for them will see you thru this and if as in many reunions where there is a good family foundation, your relationship with these children will be even stronger. What a gift you will have given to allow them the freedom to love their mother...wow.

I'm surprised your husband hasn't spoken with his X. Everything you say I understand, and I again encourage you to go *on your own* to see a counselor. You need validation, and you need to know you are a good mom and that if you get tickets to a show it's because your daughter would love it, not because you are sucking up. You need your confidence back- and your daughter needs that of you too. Kids can feel doubt, I know I felt it from my dad long before he expressed his feelings to me. If blowing off family dinners goes against your family's rules, tell her that. Do you ask much about their mom, since you don't have any direct communication with her? Do you ask how she is, if she's shared info about her other children? Have you been able to talk with the kids about how they feel? Your kids may really want to know that you care about her and about their relationship to her. I venture to guess they care a great deal what you think but will never show it. There is a phrase, fake it until you make it. Even if you couldn't care less how this woman is doing, even if you can't stand to her her name, pretend, and eventually you will care because they care. We are in an open adoption and it's not enough in my mind that I send pictures and letters, or even have visits, keeping my child's birthparents abreast of my child's developements isn't my sole reason for choosing openness. I want my child to see/feel that this connection matters to me, that the health and well being of my babe's birthfamily is important to me because it's important to my child. What I'm suggesting you do may be very hard given the history, but it's not impossible. Take care...

Dear Momster, I hear you!! You stepped in when birth mom dropped the ball. Made everything all right at your own expense. Stepped up and gave your time, energy, love and committment to these kids, when they did not consider you their mom. You were "your name". You put up with whatever they dished out in their struggling to grow up. You were there for them for all this time and helped them to become the successful teenagers and young adults that they are. And now this. They drop you at a moments notice as soon as their birth mom returns. That is a raw deal! Anyone would be upset about that. That said, the kids did not ask for their birth mom to abandon them. They did not ask for you to do all that you have done. They just want to be happy and are continuing to learn that for themselves. So you need to model that by making yourself happy. Save your anger and righteous indignation for a counselor or understanding support group. Focus on your little guy who loves you unconditionally. When adults, or nearly adults, treat me badly, or distance themselves from me, I give them space. Maybe you could back off for your own good and focus on that which gives you joy. I don't mean care less, I just mean do less. Focus on your needs and less on theirs. You have fought the good fight for them all their middle childhlood years. They are grown. Now it is time to tend to your own needs. I am sure you have learned that you cannot make anyone else do anything, once they are grown up. You have no choice but to leave it to them to figure out who has played what role in their lives. You mothered them because you wanted to. Make it a gift and let it go. Let go and let God. Best wishes and prayers. :cool: