On the mother of a birthmother..

Well, as you know, I have a mom that finds fault with me and is passive aggressive, controlling etc. similar to your mom. It wasn't until I went to two counselors and things that I finally started figuring out that the core of my issues started with my mom as well as my low self esteem. They were/are all connected.Anne :)

I'll join this "roll call" as I have a mother who is controlling and always finds fault. I grew up being compared to the (older) perfect daughter so I was stupid, could never do anything right, was constantly branded a liar, it was always my fault anything went wrong and whenever either of my parents are/have been ill it's my fault. I know I am not the bad person makes me out to be but she successfully destroyed my self esteem and confidence by the time I was in my teens. It has only been the last 6 years that she hasn't been able to hurt me so much and the last year that she hasn't been able to do anymore damage. Unfortunately I still feel an emotionally damaged person and it is hard work getting past that. Pip :)

If a husband was constantly finding fault with his wife we would say. Wife abuse!Ӕ..(or some of us would) But somehow we accept this put down of some children..I dont think I have ever really lost this feeling of worthlessness.. I can shine and be beautiful and do amazing things and still.. I am worthless.. The woman on the Dr Phil show really was beaten down.. She answered the questions in a beaten down way.. and her hubby was basically a nice guy.. who really did not understand the damage he was doing when he did a critique on his wife.. I believe the bottom line question here is how do we stop it.. (please note this thread is specifically for birthmoms who had a mom who was not very good at parenting) When I did the Artist Way.. written by Julia Cameron I did a lot of ґtasks that ended up me working on the issue of loving myself and giving myself some good solid҅ help.. I know we can not change the mothers.. And I remember a woman sharing at a twelve step meeting that when you get your leg broken you work at mending your leg.. you do not go and kick who or what broke the leg.. Melody Beattie says that if I try and assert control where I have none I end up making myself crazy.. (my interpretation of her words not direct quote) You can not fix the mother but you can fix yourself.. mend the leg.. I hope others join in.. Jackie

Yeah, that's definitely what I work on constantly now with the helps from the counselors I talked to and my Dad and other family members, who are also trying to mend themselves from the effects of our mom finding fault with us almost constantly, it seems.I'm doing everything I can and that I've been advised to do to mend myself and do my best to be able to be a mom that doesn't find fault with the children I'll raise one day. I know there are more birthmothers out there with moms who find fault and are controlling etc., I hope they come join in this discussion also. Anne :)

I can really relate to that feeling of worthlessness despite my mother not saying anything damaging to me now. Personally I have problems with seeing myself as a good person or being worth anything. I do the best I can so hope that I can someday feel good about myself so that keeps me going. It is very true that if a man is abusive towards his wife people react to it but they seem to be "blind" to abuse to children. Pip :)

Montraviatommyg

Personally I have problems with seeing myself as a good person or being worth anything. I do the best I can so hope that I can someday feel good about myself so that keeps me going.

I have been thinking.. about what Anne is presenting here.. Heck the reason for the other thread.. That being.. IMO the family or the loved one not seeing that it is going to be very difficult for her to deal with another member of the family being born on her bchilds birthday. Its almost like what we have done requires judgment.. Requires a non acceptance.. (for some people as always) And maybe this is the root issue that birthmoms today and birthmoms from the past.. are dealing with.. The non nurture of the loved one.. The non acceptance that life happens to all of us and no one is perfect.. Anne thank you for bringing this up.. I think my moms inability to see what I was going through all those years ago.. is what brought me to my knees and took me into some very bad places.. The one person who is supposed to love uncondionally does not.. Jackie

Yes, that's exactly what I saw and talked with my counselors and have talked with my Dad about on many occassions now is that I always felt like my mom didn't love me unconditionally.I felt like my Dad's love was unconditional and he loved and accepted me for me, but I never felt that from my mom and I tried everything so she would love and accept me not realizing at the time that she couldn't love and accept me the way I wanted her to, because she doesn't love and accept herself. It's so true how they say if you don't love and accept yourself, you can't love someone else and can't love anyone else unconditionally the same way, if you don't love yourself either. That's what was always hard for me growing up and what I didn't understand until now was how come my Dad would accept me even if I made a mistake, but my mom would say such hurtful things and tell me she shouldn't be surprised I would have failed when I made mistakes causing me to feel that her love was always conditional. So, that's a lot of why I am a Daddy's girl and have never been close to my mom, because my Dad shows me unconditonal love, but my mom doesn't show me that same unconditional love, she loves me, but it seems to be more conditional. She just doesn't know how to really show and love someone else unconditionally the same way as my Dad does and the same way I do about my daughters now. Now that I have two girls even though they're not with me, every time my mom still does things that are hurtful I think to myself I would never do that to my girls if they were with me, how can my mom do this to me. I find myself thinking also that I would do anything to protect my girls from pain of any kind - case and point, I placed them both for adoption to protect them as well as give them everything I didn't feel I could because I wanted them to have everything and yet my mom causes a lot of pain for me at times, it seems so I often wonder what happened to my mom when she was young. It seems to me that my mother's mother must have done this to her or perhaps her father, that my mom could have grown up in this enmeshed and unhealthy emotional family and carried on the cycles and patterns into our family so I often wonder what happened when my mom was growing up to cause her to be this way. Both my mom's parents have passed on, otherwise I'd ask them about it, if I could, but I can't. It's just that we see these same problems with my aunts and uncles and their families on my mother's side as well too so I'm pretty sure that something had to have happened when my mom was growing up in her house. I just don't know what, but I made the choice to stop the pattern and I'm trying to help my family members recognize and stop these things too. Anne :)

My dad always showed me more love as well although it has generally been been when I have been unhappy. It's odd though but my grandparents (my mum's father died before I was born) weren't very demonstrative with their love towards my parents but they were with my sister and I. Unfortunately we didn't see them very often as they lived quite a distance from us. Subsequently I don't physically show my love towards other people in the way of hugs/kisses ... maybe deep down I'm frightened of rejection, I don't know. When I was reunited with my son it took me time to open up to my son how I felt about him. When we met it took a few hugs before I could relax properly to really hug him comfortably. There was always this little in my head telling me to be careful. Pip :)

Tigger27

Now that I have two girls even though they're not with me, every time my mom still does things that are hurtful I think to myself I would never do that to my girls if they were with me, how can my mom do this to me. I find myself thinking also that I would do anything to protect my girls from pain of any kind - case and point, I placed them both for adoption to protect them as well as give them everything I didn't feel I could because I wanted them to have everything and yet my mom causes a lot of pain for me at times, it seems so I often wonder what happened to my mom when she was young. It seems to me that my mother's mother must have done this to her or perhaps her father, that my mom could have grown up in this enmeshed and unhealthy emotional family and carried on the cycles and patterns into our family so I often wonder what happened when my mom was growing up to cause her to be this way.

Its easy to decide how someone else should do something.. A person does not have to live with the consequences.. and a person can jump back from the hard stuff with blaming someone else.. Or by taking a pass when the going gets tough.. What a situation you have Anne.. its the opposite to my situation.. but it is so very much the same.. I donҒt think my mom had much love when she was growing up.. Its such a giving up to love someone.. My daughter.. I want to control her but I know I must not.. heck I do not want to because she is such an interesting person.. She has changed and changed again since she left home.. She reinvents herself.. and I learn to let go and say.. whew that was interesting.. It must be so very difficult dealing with your moms judgments or what I think are your moms judgments..I was thinking of you today.. thinking of how strong you are dealing with this.. You can not get depressed about the relinquishments because if you do your mom may say I told you so.Ӕ You cant break down and cry in front of her when the emotions hit you. As you say she is not in your corner.. She does not honour your decision.. Know that some of us understand (if my interpretation is correct :) ).. Pip wrote.. ғSubsequently I don't physically show my love towards other people in the way of hugs/kisses ... maybe deep down I'm frightened of rejection, I don't know. When I was reunited with my son it took me time to open up to my son how I felt about him. When we met it took a few hugs before I could relax properly to really hug him comfortably. There was always this little in my head telling me to be careful. I donԒt do hugs very well.. For a few years I hugged a lot of people.. I went to twelve step meetings.. I even did group hugs.. My dad in the nursing home.. I dont hug him.. my husband does but I donҒt.. not unless I feel intense emotions.. A few years ago he would get angry when I told him I loved him.. Now he wants to hear it.. now when he is lost in a motel with no money in Florida he needs to hear that I love him.. That we all love him and he is not alone and does not need to be frightened.. If I did not tell him thatand if my sister did not meet his needs all the time then I think my dad would get lost.. be lost in his mind when he starts losing reality.. ItŒs a basic human thing.. My mom did not meet my basic human need when I gave my son up.. I do not think Annes mom is doing it now.. and maybe thatҒs the task of loving the self.. making sure there are folks who love us when we enter into a never never land of lost reality.. or when we hit rock bottom.. Making sure we have a place to fall when the going gets tough.. Yes we can be upset that certain people are going to not be there.. but thats not the answer is it.. thatҒs the resentment and a distraction.. Jackie

This is a very interesting thread. I have often wondered if something makes one woman more suseptable than others for, what I call "the making of a birthmother". Like I know I was damaged and that played a big part in getting me to the place where I could let my child go. I was, interesting enough, doing weekly theraphy re my mom before and during my pregancy and continued with my agency. It was then that I was enlightened that my mother was unable to also love me unconditionally. Alice Miller's "the Drama of the Gifted Child" ( given to me by my agancy counsellor and heartedly recommeneded) became almost my bible..so perfectly did it decribe my upbringing. I can say that not loving me for myself effected me and directly effect my son's adoption in these ways: I was terribly fearful of being judged and not accepted as pregnant..and that was all true and came to pass. I had no confidence in my ability to parent my child and was fearful of messing it up. I thought that my own suffering had merit and would atone for my mistakes and almost "destroying my life". I was so in desperate need for anyone to act like they cared for me and was amazed that the folks at the agency and the adoptive couple that I lived with actually liked me and thought I was a good person..that I would have done anything to make them proud and continue to look good in their eyes. My mother was extremely narsistic and the world revolved around her and what she had to suffer and endure. Often I was the cause of her suffering. The greatest turning point in our relationship is when I insisted that she admit that she had hurt me too. And she did. We were in much more equal ground after that..although I had, by that time, learned to play her game and make it seem like I was doing what she expected of me. Unfortunatly my own father was just as bad and saw me as competition for my mothers affections. My mother delighted in that and turned us quite against each other. I wonder if lacking in our own mothering makes us feel, even unconsiously, that we are not able to mother our children properly and that helps us to reliqusih. Hmmmm...ponder, ponder, think think think

Well, Claud, I know I did doubt myself and my ability to have been a good mother to my first daughter, but after I had her and spent time with her before I placed her, I knew I would have been a great mom to her. The second time around, one of the reasons I just admitted within the past 6 months to myself/few others why I placed my second daughter was because I didn't want her to be influenced or have to suffer being around my mother because of how much of a significant role my mother would have played in either of my daughter's lives growing up if I had kept them and single parented - sad, but true - that one of the many reasons I placed was to protect my girls from what I've experienced/suffered with my relationship with my mother. But I know I would have been a great mother to both of my daughters, but I also know that for me and the situations with both my girls, it wasn't the best choice or meant to be for me to parent them - that's just my belief and feeling. I believe and know that I will be a terrific, wonderful mother to the children I do raise because of what I've learned through placing both my girls for adoption and through counseling and dealing with these emotions and such in regards to my mother and so on. I mean now that I've made progress to where I am now, I know I am a good mother/birth mother to my girls now even though they're not with me, but for what I've learned and gone through and continue to go through as I'm sure many of us feel at times, we are stronger for having survived and endured through all that we have and are enduring through in our lives, if that makes sense. I don't know if that came out right, I hope it did. Anne :)

but for what I've learned and gone through and continue to go through as I'm sure many of us feel at times, we are stronger for having survived and endured through all that we have and are enduring through in our lives, if that makes sense Yeah, it does make sense and for me, it's something I stuggle with. I don't want to put words in your mouth so I'll expand on how I feel about it... When Iplaced my son, I expected to feel much pain. Maybe I almost welcomed it. I know that I was lucky enough to let it out and experience it as opposed to bury it all like so many must do. It was like I did fight for my right to feel it and dran anyone who exoected me to not express it. I also can see that it was almost a , a, a,.....sign of greatness to me. That I HAD done it, that I WAS strong, that it made me better. I mean there was a time when I even thoought myself better, more wise, stronger, more loving because I could sacrafice and take such pain for my child, than the young women I saw who kept their children. Placing my son did help me learn alot about the stuff I was made of. And never again in life was I able to doubt my ability to endure anything, any situation, any pain, any loss. Everything else, no matter how painful, was a cakewalk in comparision. I can see what I GOT out of the adoption..for me mentally and emotionally, but it is like a double edged sword. SOmetimes I feel like I sacraficed my son so I could save myself. Course, it's not nearly all that dramic as he has done fairly well on his own rights too. But I can only imagine what guilt would now be my companion if it didn't work out as well for him..if he was damaged as a result of my doing. What hurst now, for me..the girl I was, for you hearing somewhat similar feelings, for us all, is that we were at a place where we needed to lose our children to get the feelings of goodness and strenght about ourselves. I hate that I was so damaged by life before that this was the way out of my own hole. I wish there had been someother way for us to come out intact. I wish that someone had sent me a life boat before I was so far out to sea...alone. I was chatting with another mom llast night, and we were talking baout what we did right after relinquishing. I immediatly returned home and becoame a model child, getting a 3.94 grade adverage, working and going to school. Ironically enough, I was a nursey school teacher and exclusive nanny. I spent all my time around young children and babies, rocking them, playing with them, teaching them, reading "Where the Wild Things Are" by memorization and holding in the tears. I poured salt in my own wounds daily, I guess though I refused to see how my career choice was influencesd by the expereince with my son at the time. Another mom friend said I was machochistic..LOL. She spent five years running in terror from anything in a stroller. Ah, I digress. It's funny how something basically "bad" can have those silver linings...and I can see what good came out of it all, I wish there had been another way to let me see what I was strong and capable for..I had it in me, all the time.

I think the deal is.. we do not let what happened cripple us.. We do not allow the naysayers to have power over us.. The mother has such a strong influence and if the mother is disappointed in us we (whatever the reason for giving the baby up) tend to dwell on her thoughts of us.. Let that have power over us.. because the mother is supposed to beŅ. Its us (birthmoms) who have to live with the decision.. Yes the grandmother wants the grandchildren but the child is not her child.. you can not control this.. You can not make the daughter give the baby up or keep the baby.. Having that kind of power over someone can do harm.. IMO I know that when my mom controlled what I did back then.. I had a very hard time getting past my anger with her and hence my inability to be who I was.. It slows a person down in the sorting.. Keeps a person out of going into the healthy grieving and keeps them in the first stage.. resentment.. Our thoughts are not our own.. We are caught in what someone else has decided for us.. If you love someone set them free.. Jackie