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OK, I know I have posted a question before about open adoption because I was unaware of how involved some adoptive families are with the bio parents. It was very much a learning experience and I appreciated all the feedback. BUT...please tell me if I am being crazy here. First of all, I am an adoptive foster parent. When Bear was first placed with us I e-mailed photos to his mother on a weekly basis. The foster family she lived with said that she lived on the internet and would probably find this very comforting. The CW at the time promoted this because he felt it did not hinder the case or either parent involved. B-mom (13 when she got pg...now 15) has since been moved to 3 different foster homes because she continues to run away and get back into meth. She relinquished and we are now following the agreed upon open adoption arrangement. I have kept the e-mail address open in case she wanted pictures...but I do not know how much access she has to a computer. I had also been sending HER mother photos because she was having a difficult time dealing with her daughters decision at first. Although her grandmother has contacted me a couple times in regards to trying to set up visits, (once to bring Bear to attend the funeral of a relative:confused: ) we have referred her to the CW. We are cautious because there are reasons her daughter is in foster care too. Anyway, out of the blue the other day I received an e-mail on that account (set up specifically for this situation) from someone I had never seen before. One of b-mom's friends who had not spoken to her since she had been moved to the latest foster home "missed B so much because he was like a son to me when he was in b-mom's care". She was asking how he was doing and wanted me to send her photos of him, wanted to see him etc. I informed her that although he was doing well that I could not just pass photos and information out to persons that are not part of the case. I also asked her where she got my e-mail address because foster parent information is privledged. She said she got it off a forwarded e-mail from b-mom. Was I wrong for doing this? It made me worried. Bear is not the only foster child we have, and I am always concerned for the welfare of all the kids in out home. It also made me think about how many other people out there may have access to contact us, and will they feel it is OK to just pop in whenever they want an update? Not only that, but what if b-mom had a falling out, or there are other reasons she has no more contact with these people? We agreed to an open adoption with the b-mom...not everyone on her "buddy list". Since there are people here with much more experience with open adoptions that I am, I was just wondering if anyone thinks I am over reacting?
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Emails are so easily forwarded.. She was probably sharing the latest pictures with her friends and your email address was attached. If I were in your position, I would never send pictures unless the Bmom said she wanted you to, but I wouldn't be worried someone asked. She probably really does miss her friends baby.
We have received messages two or three people removed asking about the adoption experience.. Said they got our E-mail address from mail that was sent to some people at her office..
All was in the spirit of showing off DD.. so I was not offended or worried. If your name is in the email username.. i would change it to something obscure. Otherwise, try not to be too upset. You're the mom now.
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I think you handled it quite well. I would even forward it to your cw. And ask for their advice. And maybe block that person's address so you can not receive emails from them in the future, if you would like to prevent that from happening again. I think as Poolside said, she probably did receive your email address from a forwarded email. I agree, you are having an open adoption with the bmom. And you're right, for whatever reason, she may not want her friends to know anything about her baby, and maybe her friend is trying to get information to hurt her. Who knows? I like that you were clear with her in that since she was not involved in the case you can not supply her with any info. That should let her know she may not contact you again for similar requests.
I think you handled it well...and I would not send any photos to anyone other than those that were specified in the original agreement.
Not having an open adoption years ago, I have asked my now-grown children what they would have thought of the exchange of letters/photos for many years throughout their childhood.
Their opinion was:'How could I know what had happened to those pictures over the years and where they had gone???!!!'
They felt it would have been an invasion of their privacy.
Each person has to do what is best for them; but in your case, it would appear that this birthmother has forwarded photos and such to others that you are not aware of. This was not part of the original agreement; and while it may be alright....you will need to consider how your child will feel years down the road knowing that others have been privy to their lives too.
Just my two-cents....
Sincerely,
Linny
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