So lost and Confused??

[font=Verdana]I think it is fairly odd that you could summarize your feelings as those that all women should have. While I understand and agree that some women may have had moments of regret in terms of adoption there are many (NOT just 1 or 2) who place and feel confident that it was the right thing to do and who harbor no feelings of regret. I know that you profess to knowing 100's of women who all live with regret but I just wonder who you are talking to. I don't want to argue with who you know but I wonder what pool of women you know. I know a friend who used an online dating service and met and married someone she is still very happy with (four years later). She said that most of the people who used the service were married within a year or two, but also admits that the pool of people involved in the service were all wanting to marry and settle down. You see if you are among women who regret this it might be because you have surrounded yourself with such women (for comfort/confirmation or support). Not bad at all buy it limits what you are exposed to. I went through an adoption when I was 20 years old. I was in college at the time and was already raising a little girl. I knew that this was the best thing for her and I. I prayed over it for months and felt confirmed that God was turning something difficult into something wonderful for both of us. I am still confident that this was the right thing to do. I love her but don't hurt for her. I missed her at first but know that she is better for it as am I. God was in charge then and still is now. Don't say people are in denial because they don't feel the way you do that is just silly. May God bless you and heal you one day soon.[/font]

I personally hate the word denial. It's a word that just gets people up in arms, even if it is true. The one main coping mechanism of denial is that you don't know you are in denial..so of course everyone says they are not, even if they completely and trully are. I know a heck of a lot of moms who defianlty wish they have not lost their children. Many did not have a choice and never felt good about it. Many buried it for a long long time and only later were able to speak about it. I do find it is the younger moms, who believe that they made a choice who speak about it being OK. And, to me, it does seem like as time goes on, more and more of them also wish it didn't happen either. Are they coming out of denial? Eh, that's for them to say really. I prefer to say that they are seeing the long term consequenses of their decisions and finding that the old reasoning just doesn't apply anymore. And I think alot of it comes with time, and self confidence. We shed our old skin that says "we can't" and see that in our old skin lurked the same us all along...the one who really could have, if we so choose. And then we realize that it really just didn't need to happen. Honestly, I look at the time span involved. If it's a newer mom who is still sprouting "agency" reasoning, then I don't really buy it. If someone is not admitting to any pain whats so ever, then I don't think that she is really allowing herself to feel anything yet. And I look at the circumstances too. If it is just age, or finances, or lack of support, then I wonder about when that all changes. I can think of four situations off the top of my head, where the mom in question is mostly OK right now. Most are not.

<<<Do most here believe its not possible to be a birthmother and be ok with that?>>> I agree with Southernroots. Some are O.K with it. You may well be one. But those that are O.K are few and far between. Besides, being O.K with something is hardly the same as being enthusiastic about it. I'm willing to bet that even those who are O.K with it would rather either have kept or not have given birth at all. I have a hard time imagining anyone who has the "calling" to become a birthmother. <<<This is something that has bothered for a long time. I don't think there is anything wrong with being a birthmother.>>> Like I said, I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of, but I don't think it's anything to be proud of either. Once it happens, it just is. A done deal that has to be lived with. <<<Although I may have some "issues" that come along with birthmotherhood...who doesn't have issues that come along with every stitution in life? I feel I would have had a lot more issues had I have kept my daughter. I do not regret one day that I placed my daughter! It is a good decsion and I would encourage someone considering to do so, if they felt that was right for them (and it was right for me!!!) But I would never push someone who didn't want to, to do so.>>> You could well be right in your case. I know there are some women who just aren't cut out to be parents. I also know there are some whose circumstances make it impossible to parent adequately without extraordinary support, and for their children adoption may indeed be a better alternative. But I'd caution anyone who was considering reliquishing to educate themselves as far as humanly possible about the subject, to be wary of unscrupulous adoption vultures, and to spend a decent amount of time with their child before making the final decision. <<<I am not discounting anyones opinions I am just not sure why some discount birthmothers who do feel ok about it.>>> I hear you. But when people are making such a significant life-altering decision (not just for themselves, but for their child too), I think it's better to err on the side of caution. My motto would be "When in doubt, don't." When one is getting swept along by the prevailing social influences, doubt may be the timid language of the heart.

"I think it is fairly odd that you could summarize your feelings as those that all women should have. While I understand and agree that some women may have had moments of regret in terms of adoption there are many (NOT just 1 or 2) who place and feel confident that it was the right thing to do and who harbor no feelings of regret." I think it extremely odd that you interpreted my post as "summarizing my feelings as those that all women should have" since I did not say anything remotely like that. First, I would never presume to suggest that all women should feel a certain way. If you will reread my post, you will notice that I never use the word "all" - I use "some" "many" and other such qualifiers. And it is not "moments of regret" that I am referring to - I am speaking of women who have much more severe issues than brief moments of regret. Also, I never said that only 1 or 2 women who placed were comfortable with their decision. I said that I personally only knew of two - there is a huge difference. "I know that you profess to knowing 100's of women who all live with regret but I just wonder who you are talking to." I do not profess to personally knowing 100's of women, but, I have been in touch either in line or in person with that many. And, I will be the first to admit that the birth mothers I know of are mainly in support groups. Most of the "happy", content birth moms are not ones that I do come in contact with - for one thing - many are still "in the closet" and have told no one that they even are birth moms. I do acknowledge that there probably are some women who are content with their decision - I just don't personally know many. And, I am also aware that being comfortable with the decision can change at any time during a woman's lifetime - and often does. "Don't say people are in denial because they don't feel the way you do that is just silly." As far as I know, you have no right to tell me what I can or cannot say. I did not say "all" women who are not devastated by adoption are in denial - but, I said that adoption does cause many women to suffer a great deal more than anyone ever warned them that they might. Personally, I find it inappropriate to bring God into this discussion. The whole point of this conversation is to let this young woman who is considering relinquishment know that the consequences of losing a child to adoption are often much more severe than most women are led to believe. For many women, adoption causes them to experience lifelong pain - and any woman who may choose adoption should know this - and that adoption often causes many difficult issues for adoptees as well. As for my personal healing, I now live a full, complete and mostly content life. Reunion has played a huge role in helping me to achieve a great deal of peace and resolution. But, I never expect to ever fully "get over" losing my son and pretend it never happened - some of the effects will always be with me even though I now have good relationship with my son.

"I personally hate the word denial. It's a word that just gets people up in arms, even if it is true." Funny, huh? But, you're right - if you are in denial - you are only able to see that you were - after you have come out of it. You're right - people hate being told that they are in denial - even if they are. I freely admit that I buried stuff - was in denial - living a lie - call it what you will for many years. "I do find it is the younger moms, who believe that they made a choice who speak about it being OK." Yes, I would agree that the younger moms who really believe they made a choice are more comfortable with their decision - at least initially. But, as you said, I have heard even from many of them who come to regret their decision as well - especially those in open adoptions that slam shut. Unfortunately, that seems fairly common. "I prefer to say that they are seeing the long term consequenses of their decisions and finding that the old reasoning just doesn't apply anymore." That is a good way to look at it. "And then we realize that it really just didn't need to happen." Maybe that doesn't happen to all women, but, it does to many - it may take many years though - it took me nearly 32. And it is pretty horrible when you finally face that fact.

Perhaps it's time to return to the OP?

Adrienne, I suppose I wonder why you might presume to jump into the conversation and offer that perhaps it is time to revisit the original post. Nevertheless, I did reread the original post and think that perhaps what this poster really needs is to know that there is hope for her. While I think it was pertinent to share with her that placing a child for adoption may not necessarily be the solution that she hopes for, I believe more than anything else, that she needs to know that her situation is not hopeless. She sounds resigned to the two children that she already has never having a good family life - so, it is not surprising that she might consider adoption for her new baby. What she probably needs most of all is to believe in her ability as a mother and to know that she has the power to improve her life and the lives of her children. Perhaps she needs to be aware of the support that is available for her if she is able to reach out for it. Maybe she needs to know that there are many programs available to help young mothers learn how to parent well. Many of us know that being a young single parent is not an easy task, but, it is not impossible to parent well despite seemingly overwhelming odds. Instead of hearing adoption may not be the answer for her, maybe she needs to hear from some single/divorced mothers who were able to parent successfully. Hmmm, it just so happens that I did raise one of my children mainly as a young divorced mother. I won't lie and pretend that it was easy. However, there is little that is impossible if one is motivated and determined. The son I raised mainly on my own is now 31 years old, recently married and a year out of graduate school. He is an amazing young man. From the original poster's comments, she sounds as though she has all but given up on her first two children ever having a good life - and my heart aches for her. She sounds as though she loves them and the new baby-to-be but, needs some direction, love and encouragement. For some women considering relinquishment, all they need is one person to tell them that they can and should keep their babies. The love for her children shines through - I believe she CAN alter the course of her life and her children's. I hope she seeks support and finds a way to preserve her family and learn to parent all 3 of her children well. Her heart seems to say that's what she wants - I hope she finds the tools, support and strength to listen and become a strong capable parent to all her children.

Southern.... Sneezy is actually right on in trying to get the thread back on track. The advice given, as you and others have done, is actually the intent. However, given the debate over things, it did go off track from that. Thanks, Crick

She did have a point. If you as a moderator had mentioned it - I would probably have simply agreed. I just found it somewhat annoying she took it upon herself to interject that comment - but, it's a free country. If I do not appreciate others trying to tell me what to do though, I suppose I should accord her the same courtesy? I do know that these sorts of discussions often veer off track - but, I suppose I also believe that even so there is value in them.

<<<I deeply belive my kids should have 2 parents who love them and I feel it is not right to have kids and not do whatever it takes to give them a happy family life. It tears me apart to this day that my son will never have that and I really think my daughter never will either. I don't know if I can bring another child into this H*** we call a life. How can I look at her/him in the eye knowing that I knew it was going to happen before their little life even started?? I cry to this day for my son because he can't have it. I love this baby already but find myself wondering everyday if I should give him/her a shot at a real family life??>>> Paralegal, I'm so sorry you're in such a painful situation. Do you think you and your partner have a chance of turning things around, or do you feel quite hopeless about that? Also, how far advanced is your pregnancy?

I am 17 weeks and just to be clear there are other things going on. I know that this is not the best situation for my children and am doing things to change it. I don't know if it posted it originally but I am in college and am done in april. He has me in a rock and hard place and he knows it. He is not a very good partner or parent and though he has the potential, I have seen him be, he is not interested in being either now and nor do I see it in his future. I feel as though I owe it to this child to give it something better than what I have to offer. I just don't know if I can or even if that is what is right. I love this baby already but am very worried as to how things are going to play out as I don't have anything good to bring to him or her and don't want this or my other children to suffer. I am not sure if I even have it in me to be a mother to 4 children and doing it alone.

Paralegal2be, I hope you know that there is probably no one here who wants to try to "persuade" you to make a decision that isn't the best decision for YOU. Nor we intend to judge you for whatever choice you make - we know that your spot is a difficult one for us to be in - most of us have been there. I believe strongly that many women who do relinquish have no concept of how much they will miss and long for a child they lose to adoption. Not all, some women feel that they have fully explored their decision, know what to expect and feel comfortable with their decision. I know that when I chose adoption many years ago for my son, I felt that I would hurt for awhile and then it would be over. I didn't know the loss of my son would have an impact on the rest of my life - and even now in reunion - there are still consequences for me. Reunion has allowed me to heal - to find peace - and to finally feel whole. But, in the years before reunion, I buried my love for my son, the loss, the guilt, shame and all the emotions I felt. Until reunion, I did not even realize how deeply his loss hurt and how monumental a loss that it was. Before that, I was not a miserable unhappy person like some birth moms - I had it all buried. But, I always had this nagging feeling something wasn't quite right. After reunion, I finally realized - that I missed my son, loved him and deeply regretted losing him. The birth mother path for me has been a lonely, sad and painful experience for me - I will regret my decision till the day I die. If you had no other children, no financial prospects, no maternal instincts, nor love for your child or any desire to ever parent, addictions, could find no help anywhere after exhausting all resources, I think I would say adoption might be an option that to me made some sense. But, you already have children, you say you love your baby, you are about to graduate from college, which means your ability to provide for your children will increase. You say you do not want to parent 4 children alone - do you think you will never find another partner - isn't it possible that you will? Before you make a decision, remember that there are resources to help you parent IF you really want to keep this baby - and to improve the lives of your other children. You do not have to shoulder all the responsibility yourself. If you need some ideas of resources, email me and I can point you in the right direction. I can send you some links, etc. Even if you ultimately decide on adoption, won't you feel better about the decision if you have first checked into all the resources available to you? Even if you do relinquish this baby, wouldn't you like to make the lives of your other children better? Don't you want to make certain that if you place this child for adoption, that it is a decision you have made as a last resort after exploring all options? Email me if you want some links to resources. Read these forums and ask adoptees what being adopted has meant to them - some will be very positive - some not. As I said before, adoptive parents are suspectible to all the failings of all parents - they die, divorce, can develop drug or alchohol problems, be abusive - just like any other parent. Or, they can be wonderfully loving super parents. You say that you worry about about having anything good to bring to this child to. A loving mother is a lot to give a child and there are have siblings that will love him or her. What about other family - grandparents, aunts, etc.? With a college degree, you can earn decent money. Parenting classes are available and might give you more confidence in your abilities to raise all your children. Listen to your heart, ask for help, see what's available, talk to other triad members, exhaust all the possibilities. Then if you still decide to place your child for adoption, you will be making a more informed decision - one that will be easier to live with, knowing that you tried your best. You will continue to be in my thoughts - I hope that you keep reaching out - and find the support that you need - whatever decision that you ultimately reach.

I remember you said that you and your partner fight a lot so it must be hard for you to discuss difficult issues with him. Have you been able to talk about this together in any depth? Can you find a good counsellor who will listen and help you find your own way without imposing their own beliefs onto you? Sometimes schools can hook you up with experienced counsellors who have some idea about the kind of problems you are having to deal with. Is there anyone you respect and trust you can talk to face to face? Sometimes talking with a good friend who has your interests at heart can really help. Are you religious? Perhaps there is a minister you trust you can talk to? Or maybe a professor from your school. You have not mentioned abortion so I assume it is not an option that you would consider. I am wishing you the very best. I am sure you will somehow get over or through this, but I also know you must be feeling overwhelmed at the moment.

I agree with Kanj's Mom...hope I spelled that correctly. I was an adopted child and I have had a wonderful upbringing and met my bio family when I was in my early 20's. It was a bitter sweet reunion and I still have a friendship with my Bio Mother, tho my Bio Dad has passed away. I am here only because my daughter and her husband just had a failed adoption after 6 long months and a lot of expenses. It has been heart wrenching. I can tell you that adoption may or may not be for you, but if you are worried about not finding loving couples to take your baby, please rethink. My daughter and her hubby went through 3 agonizing years with infertitlity clinics only to find that there is absolutely no possible way they can ever have a child of their own. They have so much love to offer and are again looking. If you can keep your baby and either seek counseling for your relationship or go it alone....then do...but if you ever come to a crossroad where you simply do not feel, in your heart, that you can offer your baby what you think they deserve then adoption is a wonderful alternative. IF ANYone is considering an adoption plan, I would love to hear from you.

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