How open is open adoption?

As they have mentioned here, there are all forms of openness in open adoption. We went into adoption knowing nothing about openness vs closed and we have two very open adoptions with our daughter's birthfamilies. They are ages 7 and 3 and we just recently had our oldest daughter's birthfamily spend 5 days with us a couple of weeks ago and are going to be spending a week with our youngest daughter's birthfamily next month. Try to find out what your fears are exactly and replace those fears with love. For when you go into the adoption journey, it should not be made of fears but of love for the child and the family. If you still feel you are not comfortable with a totally open adoption, just make sure you share this with expecting mothers who are searching for a family. They are not birthmothers until they place their child for adoption, until then they are expecting mothers. If you would ever like to talk, please email or private message me or you can add me to your Instant Messangers on MSN and Yahoo. TerriAdoptive mother of 2

I would say because in international adoption the health and attachement issues would far out weigh any potential post domestic adoption issues. Once the birthmother/birthfather relinquish their rights then the adoptive parents are under no obligation what-so-ever to provide any information, updates, photos, meetings or anything else. (which is fine, but the adoptive parents need to be upfront with their agency and the potential birthparents on their stance). There should be no post adoption "surprises" for either the adoptive parents of the birthparents. As long as you are honest from the get go.... then you will be matched with a birthparent that has the same out look. Any IMHO there is nothing wrong with that as long as everyone is on the same page!

There are 13 states that currently have legally binding openness agreement laws on the books - so before you make this assumption, make sure you are familiar with the laws in your state.

Yes, that is correct. In my state once the papers are signed then my statement is completely true. I always advise to research prior to moving forward. You could always chose a state that fits what you are looking for :-)

I wanted to add that I really think you should research open adoption. My dh and i did NOT NOT want visits with any birthmother, well we read some AWESOME books (not to mention this board), PM me if you want names, and now we are doing FULLY open adoption, Grandparents and all (still waiting to be matched). I can't wait and am so very excited. I was SO glad that we researched this, even if we chose to do semi-open, at least we were armed with knowledge. IMO, after the reading I have done, whenever possible open adoption IS best for the child. Unlike what some think (and this surprised me also to find this out, as I thought like this at first) open adoption is NOT for the birthmother or the adoptive parent (although they do get some "perks" for lack of better word) it is for the child. So is it harder on aparents and bparents? Maybe, maybe not, but, from what I have read and researched, it is MUCH better for the child. BUT you have to be comfortable in whatever you choose. Don't just assume you know what you want before researching though (as we did), believe me, you will learn a LOT and, even if your view doesn't change, you will be much more solid in what you believe!! :) Good luck and feel free to PM me if you like!! Natalie

Amberl10: I think a lot of aparents start out on their journey with EXACTLY the same thoughts you're having. Once an adoption is finalized, then it's extremely unlikely that a birthparent could "take the child back"---that's a myth perpetuated by LIFETIME movies. Also, open adoption isn't co-parenting. As you research and read these boards, you'll begin to see how the relationships form. Just keep an open mind and read more about it. If you still don't want an open arrangement, then be honest about it. There are expectant mothers who want closed adoptions, too. There are plenty of benefits to open arrangements, but only if the parties really want them.

As the others have told you, Open adoption is what you make it. It is a decision you & your partner make. SOmething you have to be TOTALLY comfortable with!!! It is also something you have to be honest with the Birth Mom. We have 3 very open adoptions. They include frequent visits. We told our childrens Birth Mom basically, "This is the MINIMUM we can give you as far as an open adoption. If it goes further than that, GREAT, if it doesn't, this is the minimum." Open adoptions also change over time. All 3 of ours are so different. Lives change, people change, but our basic promises in our relationship never does! As far as being the MOM, our children know who MOM is. They know whose tummy they grew in, too. "I" am theone who has a tug at the heart when our children are talking to their BMoms on the phone & then my child will say, "Do you want to talk to Mommy now?" I feel a little pain for them. Open adoption takes time to develope. Just like in ANY relationship, it takes time to grow. To trust! When we adopted our children, we just didn't adopt a child...we added a WHOLE extension to our family! Our children have SOOOO many Aunts, Uncles & grandparents! LOL All of our children call all the others Grandma & Papa, too! They have 6 sets of GRANDPARENTS! LOL With our son, he has his siblings stay with us often. Over the 4th of July week we had all 4 of his siblings stay for the whole week! (We don't have any contact with any of the Birth Dads. :( LONG story for each.) Just be honest with youreslf & your PBMom. Do some more research, talk to more people. When we set out on our adoption journey, we were somewhat like you. Now, I couldn't imagine our lives without the kind of relationship we have with our children's Birth Moms! GOOD LUCK!! Deb

The fear of the birth parent even saying "I want my child back" is just as great as the fear of a judge allowing it. But they are often two separate fears. The legal fact that judges won't allow it does NOT take away the fear that the birth parent would ask for it anyway... Yes, doing so would overstep boundaries. Yes, doing so would not be backed up by the court. But adoptive parents fear the birth parent saying it anyway. Does that make sense?

Diana - that is why open adoption is so great. Because *most* of the time, the bmom picked out the family and they too love the family. They KNOW that they COULDN'T get the child back, and the only thing they'd be doing is causing pain for thier child and aparents. Also, they'd be risking the aparents NOT allowing thier child to see them, which would be bad for them and thier child. I'm not saying bmom's won't regret it, and I'm not saying this would never happen...it's just common in healthy open adoption relationships (which is why it helps if you get help with a agency/social worker so they can help it become a healthy relationship). Natalie

You can chose whatever adoption arrangement that you feel that works best for you and your child. Just be certain that your agency represents your desires accurately. When my daughter was considering adoption for her son, she was contacted by couples who claimed that they were offering an open adoption but later revealed that they did not want contact with her or us. Instead, they offered pictures and a letter "once or twice a year" - we considered this a semi-open adoption. I believe that the couples were being coached by their agencies to offer a lot up front and then try to negotiate no contact. For an expectant parent (and his/her family) who is looking forward to an open adoption, it is very painful to be told that the couple who wants to love and care for their child has decided on no contact. Needless to say, my daughter refused to play this game and cut off discussions with any couples who tried it. So, that is a long way of saying - just be honest with what you want and be sure that your agency represents your desires accurately. Good luck. Happy G'Ma

((((((((((shudder)))))))))))) I cannot see how an agency could keep thier license if they did this. Further more, cannot fathom WHY they would do this. I mean open adoption is for the CHILD, not the bmom or the aparents (although it does have postitives for them also). So I just don't see how someone could SAY they wanted open but then "not". I know everyone's idea of open adoption is different, but to SAY visits and then have no contact knowingly?? BLECH. Agree, think, be honest, DO NOT over-promise, but RESEARCH. You are entitled to change your mind at this stage!! :) Natalie

Oh, I understand that Runyon. I was just trying to point out that everybody's responses to the original poster were saying that the birth mother could not be successful at taking her child back. But nobody was addressing her fear that the birth mother would TRY to - as you pointed out, that part is still possible. Amberl10 - Runyon's comments about a "healthy open adoption relationship" should be helpful to you. Now that Runyon pointed it out, I want to reemphasize that here's a huge difference between an "open adoption" where you just send photographs and facts and figures back and forth, and an "open adoption relationship" where there is healthy give-and-take and an actual good relationship between the parties. Having the "relationship" part does decrease the chance that one party would want to do anything to harm the other. I hope that helps you figure out what you want and the ways to go after it.

amberl it was mentioned on this forum that maybe you are afraid of an open adoption from some "Lifetime" movie. Well, you need to understand that I was one who said "It can't happen to me." but it did. How many people now have told me I'm living a "Lifetime" movie? MANY! The bmother used her open adoption "Agreement" to come back on me several times in several different ways. Yes - it can happen and it does happen. I am the opposite of most people on this board. I envisioned a lovely open adoption with visits and pictures - all the good things that an open adoption CAN BE. But - mine was not. I am all for a positive open adoption experience - but it can turn around on you and really hurt you. Know that. For those of you who have had a positive open adoption experience I am happy for you. I'm glad that my initial dream really does happen for families.

Amber - at least your are being honest stating you would feel jealous of the child's mother. I am sure you will find someone who willo be compatible with the level of openess you desire, but what ever you do, do not deceive in order to adopt as soon as possible. The worst stories I hear are about deception on these boards by women who claim the need to close the adoption but were never honest with themselves (or they knew in their hearts while they were searching and waiting but were afraid to be honest thinking no one would pick them) I believe it was just two years ago a mother on these boards committed suicide when her adoption was closed by the woman that wrote fast track adoption. So sad

I felt exactly the same way you did when we initially started looking into adoption. I was terrified of another "mommy" in the picture. But I remember at one adoption conference seeing a presentation about open adoption and a family who had a lot of contact with the birthmothers of their children. I was amazed. I did a lot of research on the benefits and negatives of open adoption and talked to a lot of birthmoms and adoptive parents on this wonderful board). We were blessed to have our daughter's birthmom come into our lives and stay a part of our lives. She is a truly amazing woman and I consider her a dear friend. It was hard in the beginning and I was always terrified that our daughter would love her more and call her mommy but then I realized that talks more about the quality of my realationship with my daughter. We have an extremly open adoption bascially visits whenever sometimes 2x a week up to every couple of months. My daughter calls her birthmom "Mim" (I personally did not feel comfortable with calling her by her first name and that was our decision to honour her with a special title). We chat every so often and email a lot. I found the more contact we have the less frightened and paranoid (boy am I a paranoid person at times let me tell you!) I was. We chat about the future and scenarios and both of our fears in regards to our daughter. I know we have a very unique relationship and I am very proud of it. Our daughter will never be "surprized" by her adoption or be tormented by wonderings of "what are my birthparents like?". She'll always know, it will always be a part of her life and just a natural part of life (whatever that means). I've read about how emotional and difficult reunions can be later in life and I don't want my daughter to go through that. I want her questions and worries delt with in the moment not built up over time. I just keep reminding myself its what is best for our daughter not me. Again I'm not promoting that everyone should do as I do but this is just an example of how it can work. But every realtionship is different and I strongly recommend research, explore this board, adoptee and birthmother boards and whatever you decide is best for your family please be honest and stick with your agreement. Its a promise you are making to your child as well. Good luck!!! :flower: