What do you want teachers to know about your adopted children?

Um, Wow is all I can say. Bethany, I think you have made a lot of assumptions about race and others' parenting choices. First, several posters here have lived it and have shared their views. My husband was the only Asian child in his small white military town 30+ years ago. I think we are all aware of the studies and personal stories. I also think that I am making well thought out, educated choices about my daughter's education. We live in a mostly minority neighborhood in a large and diverse university city; we have a very diverse group of friends. My daughter knows a lot about AA culture, as well as many other cultures, religions and practices. She has never lacked exposure to or meaningful relationships with people who look like her. Because I chose a school for my dd that is not as diverse as it should be certainly does not mean that I am not as aware and conscientious as you in my choices for my child.

Red, where did I say that you were not as aware as I was in your choices for your child? I can't seem to find that anywhere. I never made judgements about other peoples choices on where to send their children to school. In fact, not at all. Please tell me how I have made assumptions about race. My Philipino cousin lived being the only Asian child in her neighborhood. Not being able to find any Philipino men to date. Having people make fun of her because of her accent and her eyes. My white/black biracial cousins lived through being the only biracial children in a very white environment. They have told me many times of all the troubles they had. And then there are the studies in the books I have read. The posts by people who have lived in this situation always hoping to see someone who looked like them. How have I made assumptions? I don't get that. I said, I feel it would be good for children of color to see other children of color in their classrooms. Far from segragation. I NEVER said that my choice in sending my child to a school that is diverse is the only choice. The right choice for everyone. I never came down on anyone who is putting a child of color in a school with mostly white children. I'm shocked that you even thought this. I am just so sick of seeing the token black guy in movies and on television. Even with dolls. When I watch Survivor and Real World on TV, it's always a cast of white people with one black guy or girl or one Asian guy or girl. Same thing with movies. We never see more than one black person in a film unless it's a "Black Film" and how many white people go to those? Why aren't those movies blockbusters? Even with dolls. There are seven different white dolls and one black one. I am dying to see a season of Survivor where there is mostly a black cast and a token white guy. :rolleyes: :cool: :( ;)

Wow. First off, I think its a shame that once the responses are no longer what the original poster wanted to hear, it was considered teacher bashing. I don't see teacher bashing going on here. I see the voicing of different opinions.... I have a huge problem with that comment. My child's teacher is not their parent. I am. Once teachers begin to think they are parents, problems arise. Teachers have importnat roles in their student's lives, however, being a parent to them is not one. If my child's teacher ever said that to me, I be talking to the principal immediately. Problems I have with things in the school system: 1. Baby picture projects. My daughter has no pictures prior to 6 years old. Two years ago, they did a bulletin board with baby pictures and my daughter had her school picture from that year on the board. She felt very different and many children questioned her on it. 2. Genetics projects. We know virtually nothing about my daughter's biological parents. 3. Schools not wanting to treat children different. My daughter has special needs and she needs to be treated in a different way than a child without special needs. I have had teacher say to me "I don't want to treat her different" even after I tell her to. 4. Star/Reward charts. My daughter has RAD and this type of behavior reinforcement will not work with her. She uses to control the teacher and manipulate the results. She will leave for school in the morning and say "I can make Ms. B do whatever I want her to do. I'm going to make her give me a yellow card today." Well, of course she does and then comes home and says that she is in control of the classroom more than the teacher. We tell her teacher to vary the results. Go straight to red sometimes. Vary the consequences. 5. Believe us and not the child. RAD children can lie convincingly. But, I have had teachers tell me that they are experienced and can tell when a child is lying and when they are telling the truth. So far, we have had very cooperative teachers. They have listened to us and tried to understand. I realize that a RAD child is very difficult to fully understand, however, unless the teacher and the parents are on the same page, the child will manipulate and triangulate both.

Bethany, I will say this.....I do agree with some of the things that you said. There are certainly children who have had negative experiences being the "only". This may also include the only child wearing glasses or the tallest child or the obese child. I guess I feel that not everyone can move to a different area. Sometimes they are there for a job transfer or for other opportunities or maybe they have always lived there but they would like the school to be more diverse. For the child that might wear glasses, maybe if someone else in the family wore glasses, she may feel OK. Then again, their friends are everything to them and how they are perceived. There are so many things that parents can do to help their children have a positive self-esteem. I do agree that children should be surrounded with people from all walks of life (including race, religion, backgrounds, careers, etc.). I'm not too sure about placing students together for that purpose is the best idea, but I do see your point, and if my child really wanted to have another student in their class that looked like them or even if they wanted to transfer to another school, then I would certainly be there and honor their choice. Sorry the thread got off track but I also wanted to say that being a teacher, I have encountered many teachers who did not seem as sensitive to the needs of the students and the advice that their parents may give. If there wasn't an IEP or 504 plan specifying certain interventions, accommodations, or modifications, then their opinion is that they have enough on their plates to have to worry about some kids' problems. They blame the parents, they blame the curriculum, they blame the school district for their large class sizes, but few actually take an introspective look at themselves. I have come home exhausted from trying to help my students succeed, tailoring specific homework packets with typewritten explanations for the parents to help them, researching extra teaching materials or resources to help the parents work with their children afterschool, on weekends and during breaks. I've been called crazy by some teachers or a saint by others. As LisaCA said, I'm also not in the saint business. But to me, this is what you do when you teach. I have noticed a difference in teachers who are mothers and those who are not. Not to say that ALL mothers are better teachers, but I have noticed a difference. I don't know if we take some things to heart or what, but I have been reduced to tears when my students have needed something and I've tried everything to help them. This goes for those special projects as well. the only project we do is the Star Student project. I stopped doing the ALL ABOUT ME project in the beginning of the year after I had a student from foster care who couldn't complete it. My student was relieved and the star student project includes information about their likes, dislikes, favorite color, etc. and a current picture of them that I take with a couple of positive sentences about why they are the "star". Note: everyone becomes a star, even the students in which it takes me a while to think of something nice to say! :D

"I have a huge problem with that comment. My child's teacher is not their parent. I am. Once teachers begin to think they are parents, problems arise. Teachers have importnat roles in their student's lives, however, being a parent to them is not one. If my child's teacher ever said that to me, I be talking to the principal immediately." Oh my gosh Lorraine! You have GOT to be kidding me! Do you think I meant that I think I am ALSO the students real parents?! I don't know whether to laugh or scream! That sounds like some kind of warped TV movie. When I said that I feel like my students are my kids...I MEANT that parents don't realize that I care about each and every individual in my class. I CARE if the SUCCEED. I CARE if they have such issues that they will never have normal lives. As I have said before, I have gone home and cried because a child just can't learn how to read. I have cried over kids who parents could care less about them and their schoolwork. Comments like the one you made are clearly cloudy by the obvious malice you have for teachers. If it was not indeed teacher bashing, then I wouldn't hear all the bad thing TEACHER's do. You should be saying I had this bad experience with my son's TEACHER. Or this SPECIFIC teacher. I'd love to hear what the principal would say to you when you ran to him and told him your child's teacher cares so much about your kid that she calls them one of her own. Most of the teachers in my school call their students their "kids" What do us teacher's do right anyway? :rolleyes: Just remember that us teachers could tell a million bad parent stories. But then that wouldn't be okay would it? Bad things happen on both sides of the coin.

How am I being rude?

WOW! I'm shocked you would say this. But honestly, it confirms research and experience. That if your child doesn't fit the mold, has behavioral or emotional issues, then it "policy" for them to be handled this way. How sad for both you as a teacher and the children you teach. My son's issues are related to his adoption and the events and tragedies surrounding it. I have had many a teacher tell me how great it is that I adopted him and how lucky he is to have me. YUCK. All the while glossing over when I talk to them about specific behavior or emotional issues my son has in their classroom. :grr: Not everyone's adoption story is pretty. Most we know are from older child adoption, disrupted adoptions, foster care. They have encountered things tin their young lives that would take down most grown men. These things affect them in all areas of their life. To say to a child, "Well, now you have a nice stable family and all should be well" is a tragedy. The act of adoption is one event in my son's life. It is not who he is, but it is part of who he is. (I like the "it's not an adjective analogy :) ) However, his emotions and behavior are often related to events that happened to him before I was even his mom. My "agenda" is for him to be educated in a way that is not damaging to him by people who understand him. For him to spend 7 hours a day in an environment which is not harmful to him, but helpful. Which can't be done without parent-teacher cooperation and an understanding that you can't catagorize an adopted child into adjusting your curriculum so as not to offend. Sometimes adoption creates issues beyond the family tree. What I'm finding here, in this thread, is a complete lack of understanding between teachers and parents. I will say again, I don't know how hard your jobs are, but I do appreciate that you do them. But know that raising our children is hard as well, and when you ask for advice and then shut us down because of "policy" then you are part of the problem, not us agenda keeping special needs adoptive parents.

I have to agree with that as well. Being a caring teacher is not the same as being a parent. You can care for and teach a child without parenting them. There is a big difference.

er...wow..:) Breathe...everyone!:) I understand Lorraine & Jen's comment about teachers wanting to parent the child. It is a slippery slope at times when parenting kids with attachment disorders. I also understand Bethany's comment about seeing her students as "her" kid too. I didn't take it in the context that she wanted to parent the child but cares enough about the successes and well being of the child. I do indeed want my kids to have a teacher who notices they aren't doing well with a subject and cares enough to mention it or try to see what can be improved. I also very much appreciate getting the email from my kids' teachers saying "hey, I noticed J was having a bad day today and seemed sad. Hope everything is okay at home?" Things like that...is what I took Bethany's comment to mean. I also agree that if we want this thread and our relationships between us parents and teachers to succeed we need to keep the comments to our individual experiences. I've tried hard to do that on this thread speaking of my kids' teachers not generalizing Teachers as a group. I mentioned this elsewhere but might bear repeating here. I think Red touched on it a bit as well. As parents who truly give a hoot about our kids' education and want to parent them in a way that helps them achieve that (bedtime routines, dinner, family time, help with homework etc.) and as teachers who also truly give a hoot about "their" kids, we run into the problems that have been caused by the "few bad apples" on both sides. Hopefully we can get past that and continue to work together...:)

I do not want the school district taking race into account when placing my child into a class, whether they perceive this as a positive thing or not. Too much water has gone under that bridge for it to play well for me. I would file a lawsuit if i found out that the district decided that my child should be in a class due to race rather than other things. I should be notified it that's the policy. if i'm not, then I would sue if I found out. It's not that there are two black kids in my daughter's hypothetical class, but that the district made this decision about my child without notifying me that this was the policy. Now if I know in advance that this is the school's policy, I can fight it. doing this in the dark without notifying me is the issue. look I've been the only black (or two) in my class and frankly being one or two of a large number didn't make a difference. it still stank, it still meant that I was forced to decide whether I would speak up in class when ignorant things were said, or let it pass. whether I had a buddy or not mattered little. what mattered were the ideas of the majority of the class and the teacher playing devil's advocate, rather than me jumping up every time. Those teachers that did that won my undying loyalty. Those that didn't, well, I still think about them in a negative way, lol. imho, it's about who makes this decision and whether it's known by all. and many people think things are good for their kids and I disagree. Just because others think it's great doesn't mean I do. I'm just cranky that way ;) .

Thanks Crick for seeing exactly what I meant when I said, my students are my kids too. I didn't mean I was their parent or that I wanted to parent them. Whoa! Slow down people. I have NEVER and I quote "Never wanted to actually parent any students in my class. I said that to mean that some times SOME parents assume that we have no attachment to their children, or that really don't care how they do academically or emotionally. Which is so WRONG. When I said what I said, it was to mean that I DO care about your kids. Do I want to be their parent? NO! Teachers actually wish SOME parents would step up more so we wouldn't have to do so much parenting in the classroom. I never said I wanted to parent your kids. I always call my class my kids. Meaning I care about them. And if that is wrong, I totally don't understand anything! :confused: As far as suing because a school district didn't tell you that we placed children in a certain manner...we do it all the time with other things. Such as we "red slash" kids who have behavioral problems so that we don't put several difficult kids in the same class. I understand that we all have differing opinions on what is best for our kids and that is fine. I guess we just disagree. I think if everyone goes back and reads this thread, you will see that many posters talked of how TEACHERS (which means teachers in general since no one spoke of a certain teacher) are doing this, this, and this wrong. I guess all teachers don't listen to parents. We just all follow our own agenda's and could care less about what parents say. Why wouldn't any teacher reading this be frustrated and yet again bashed upon. I feel that people on this thread should talk about specific teachers (my child's teacher, my child's kindergarten teacher and so on) instead of saying things like, "TEACHERS think they know our kids better than us." or "TEACHERS never listen to us anyway." It's a slap in the face to hear people generalize bad things about teachers when you know that your a darn good one who cares not only about your students but their parents as well. It's just sad to me that so many of you don't see that. :(

I think others knew what you meant. I know when I taught college I thought of them as my kids. I give them academic advice, but they also come to me with many problems that are unrelated to school. one girl came to me sobbing because her best friend was murdered and stuffed in a car. I spent two hours with her trying to comfort her and give her some options. she was particularly disturbed by the media reports of the murder (kept referring to her as a gang member's girlfriend) and we decided to write a letter to the editor together. I was so totally unprepared for that -they don't teach college profs to be counselors but we are, as well as friends, surrogate parents, grandparents, etc. I imagine that it's the same with elementary and secondary teachers. I used to go to the orientation meetings before their freshman year and meet with the parents who were just in tears at the thought of their little girl or boy now going away. they wanted to know that there were caring adults who really were there for their kids. Many of us have stated our admiration for the job that teachers do every day, esp nowadays, with class sizes, testing constantly, and all the rules and mandates from the state and federal govt. makes it hard to find the time to teach. I have very fond memories of most of my teachers, even the ones who were less than stellar. Teaching is a job, but with the good ones it's more than a job. they're the ones spending free time trying to find ways to bring new information to kids in an interesting way. They take classes over the summer, get added degrees, etc. They took me to mexico on my spanish class trip (totally awesome!), they found out I wanted to be an archaeologist and so they had tons of films and filmstrips (yeah, i'm old, lol) on all those topics I loved. They visited their daughter in Hawaii and returned with a ton of stuff for the class, so we had a luau, we learned to hula and had a ton of fun. I also remember all the parents who took the time to be a part of the classroom. my dad was always sought after as "class mom" because he was a chef :), my mom volunteered as did a ton of other moms and dads. it's that interaction that works well. I think it's when I feel the school district, indiv school principal, teacher, oversteps their bounds that makes me uncomfortable. I plan to be active and expect to be kept informed about what my daughter's up to and what the school thinks might be best for her. I don't plan to place her in school and walk away, nor do I want to second guess everything the school plans. I do, however, think that I should be advised about certain things, esp as they pertain to race. If my child had attachment issues or other issues, i'd want to know what the teacher/principal was thinking. I think as a parent that I bring something to the table, and should be advised and consulted. Assumptions made by teachers and other admin can be problematic down the line. I remember that I was labeled an "overachiever" rather than "gifted" intially because I did well "but" was black. Other kids have been labeled as problem kids, trouble makers, etc. These can be problematic issues down the line as this record goes from school to school, teacher to teacher. I think this is where some of that fear of some teachers comes from. It's quite a lot of power in the hands of a few. some use it wisely, others do not.

Okay...so onto another suggestion... I want my kids' teachers to know that sometimes holidays/birthdays are a stressful time and not necessarily just a time for celebration. Some adoptees get sad on their b-days or other important dates. So while the rest of the class is more than excited to bring in the cupcakes and etc. for a birthday celebration, it might not be the case for a child who was adopted.

Lisa, thanks for understanding where I was coming from when I said that I truly care for my students. Our students do come to us with their problems and expect us to help and offer them hope or advice. In first grade it is usually when a pet dies, or when someone calls them a name. And sadly, sometimes it's about the divorce of their parents and not getting to see daddy anymore. Whatever it is we are there for them. And I think most parents appreciate that. We are with these children for seven hours a day. Some kids see their teachers more hours a day than they see their parents. Lisa, I do see where you are coming from. The factors that we use to place children is to try and create a classroom that works. If we don't say that we had a problem with a child's behavior in the current year, we may randomly place seven children with behavioral problems together and that would be a HUGE challenge for the teacher and the other students. And I want to add that this info is not passed from teacher to teacher. Each year the child's new teacher fills out the form on how she feels the child was in her grade. So one year a child may be having difficulties and the next year he/she may not. Parents are always made aware of their child's difficulties during the year by the principal and teacher. We work very closely with parents. Parents NEED to know what is happening with their kids. But I understand as a parent where you are coming from. Although I don't object to it because I'm a teacher and understand the need for it. Although very young, my son is already having behavioral problems in his day school. I'm hoping it's a phase but I'm already thinking of the future. And to the person who thinks that it goes both ways as far as teacher's thinking we know your children better than you...your right. It does go both ways. I think I have said that before. There are some teacher's who are not as good at their job as they should be. But I don't find that to be the majority of us. I also wanted to add that many students act very differently in school than they do at home. Some students are better behaved for certain teachers as opposed to others. AND I think that some parents should remember that we have all of the kids in the class to worry about while we are trying to help your child with a specific problem. At home you are dealing with your child in his or her environment. It is very different. Unless you are a teacher and have been in this situation, I think it may be hard for you to realize this. And if you have had a problem with a particular teacher, than I'm sorry. But try to remember that there are those of us who love our job and got into teaching to make a difference. I try my best every year to make my students and their parents happy. Thank you to all of those wonderful parents who come into the classroom to help and make their child's education a top priority. Teacher's need help from home, and I have had a lot of wonderful parents who support me greatly. And thanks to the ones who just jot me a note every now and then to say thank you for making my child's day by doing this or that. Teaching can be hard and when you hear something like that, it makes you feel like you are making a difference. First graders really can't tell you that. (Although I do get tons of notes each day that tell me I'm the best teacher in the world and that they love me! :D ) - (I know they have only had one other teacher before me but it still means a lot! Ha Ha! :) Okay...so onto another suggestion... Good point Crick! Let your teacher's know if this is the case. I know that not many teacher's know about this. I really never thought about it until coming onto this site. Remember that teacher's who have not adopted or who don't know too much about the foster care system don't know these things. Things that may be obvious to us. Good suggestion Crick!

I just remembered the time I went back to visit my elementary school (i was in college at the time so much time had passed). So I'm walking on the other side of the playground and I hear someone yell my name-turned out to be Miss Burrows my 2nd grade teacher (whose married name I can't remember) but she recognized me across the playground. Made me laugh that I hadn't changed much. and it was nice that she remembered me. one of the things that might be nice would be for some adoptive parents and adoptees to give talks to teachers at schools, you know, a general one. it doesn't even have to be your kid's school if you don't want the teacher to know. But that info, just bringing to mind several thoughts that teachers might keep in mind would be terrific. Or if parents don't want to do it, maybe there's an organization in your community that will come and talk about these things. Just to point out that things are not always the same, that some kids may have issues around their birthday, may be having a troubled year because things are unsettled in their foster home or with their birthfamily or whatever. it's a risk because you don't want the teacher assuming adoption=attachment issues or something equally simplistic, but it's worth talking about. Letting them know the positive adoptive language, etc. I'm dreading having to educate each one of her teachers, and there must be a way to avoid reinventing the wheel.