The N-word

If your kids spend any time around black people, they will probably hear the word used in other ways, and that may provide some education in itself. If they aren't old enough to know it is an insult, I wouldn't prime them for it by telling them to alert you if/when they hear it. My approach was to wait until the kids were old enough to talk about race historically (around 7 or so) and introduce it as a word commonly used as a generic label and as an insult in the past. We talked about how it is still used by racists and by many AA people today. This made it natural to discuss why they don't hear us use the word and why we expect them not to use it, even if they hear other kids (AA neighbors, classmates, etc.) use it. It kind of fit in 2 categories for us--1) "history" and 2) "words that will upset your grandparents and our neighbors if you use them" which also contains things like "Jesus H. Christ!" and other expletives we may use but don't want the kids trotting out in front of the folks whose feelings may be hurt by them. That way, we got the info across to them without setting them up to expect that they would be insulted. So far, the only racial remarks made to their faces have been by AA kids, and were about me being white! Just depends on where you live, I guess ;)

It depends on your point of view as well. If our girls stay with us, we plan on teaching them that it isn't acceptable from them and we don't like when anyone says it. But, they may hear it from many different people (including our extended relatives who are AA). and they have to decide how to deal with it. I agree school age is probably a good point to start.

I'm reading a great book right now called I'm Chocolate You're Vanilla, and it's about how kids learn about race. I think you'd enjoy it. It's extremely well-researched and well-written and has lots of great advice on this question and similar issues.

I actually have "I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla". My mom bought it for me. Our immediate problems with our kids have been related to attachment and other issues, so I have only perused the books on race. I will take a closer look! Thanks!

Well...I was hoping to wait until kindergarten to approach the topic but had to early. We were discussing animal names that my daughter's friends jokingly call each other. Most were fine, although she mentioned "pig" and I said that wasn't nice and explained why. I then asked if she has ever been called "monkey" and she said yes that her friend GG called her that. I explained that that name was very mean and that she should tell her friend not to call her that. Then, I decided to bring up the n-word and asked if she had been called that ever. She said yes...by the same girl. I couldn't believe it. A four year old in preschool and she is already hearing this. It sucks! So...we had the n-word talk early. Thanks for all your advice!

Ahimsa, that is too bad. Sad for your child that she had to start with the negatives so early, and sad for that other little girl who is clearly being raised by people who are unaware of the damage they are doing to their child. It never ceases to amaze me that people don't see how that kind of behavior and belief can only have a negative effect on their child's life--do they not expect her to ever attend an integrated school, or have a job? Where on earth do they think she will be living that she will benefit from that kind of attitude--Mississippi in 1850? When I was in grade school a child called me a derogatory name for Italians, and I clocked him in the head with a brass paperweight. I got sent to the principal's office, but at least he went forward in life knowing that if was gonna use that kind of language there was gonna be a downside. Maybe I did him a favor.

with my older daughter we never talked about racism or slurs until she was in grade school, she still denies experiencing racism but I don't beleive her and think that she might just lack the vocabulary to describe her experience. My older daughter is NA and my younger daughter is AA, so their experiences with racism may be different but may be similar. Ahimsa, I cannot beleive at that age a little girl woudl say such things. Her parents should be tarred and feathered for perpetuating such b.s.

Just thought I'd add to this post. A few weeks ago I was picking up my daughter from daycare (she's almost 3) A woman I don't know was picking up her grandson and the two kids were hanging on the gate. As I walked up she said, Oh, the little jungle bunny wants to get out! To be honest, I didn't know this was exactly a racist comment but it didn't feel right. I asked my daycare provider if I should be insulted and she claimed she didn't think it meant anything. Later that night on Dr. Phil there was a show about rasicm and they mentioned the word. I spoke to an AA friend and she said it's the next worst word next to the N word. We called our daycare provider immediately to tell her she needed to (or give us the woman's phone #) speak to the woman, which she eventually did. The woman claims she didn't know it was a bad thing, but how do you put the 2 words together without knowing what it means? I have to give her the benefit of the doubt, I guess, although when I walked in the gate she couldn't have know Maya was my daughter (I am Caucasian). I don't know..... I was really, really upset about the whole thing. Kathy

kmh, that is horrible and fr her to use it in that context means she knew exactly what it meant. The daycare provider probably knew as well and was trying to avoid trouble. At the very least, she should be aware of cultural issues.

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]You don't! She knew what it meant and she would have gotten no "benefit of the doubt" from me. The woman was embarrassed that you called her on it and she lied. I think you were completely justified in being upset. :grr: [/FONT]

I'm not buying it. She knew what that meant. There was a certain time and place when people used that kind of language. There is no mistaking what it means and for her to use it for a AA child is confirmation of it.

No way she did not know it was a racist term. If she hadn't been intending a racist "joke", the word "jungle" would not have been used. I can see anyone saying "Oh, look, the little monsters/animals/critters/ want out!" as a joing way of referring to BOTH children, but to single one child out and use the term "jungle", she was saying exactly what she intended. As painful as it is for us to hear about incidents like this, I guess they are a good reminder of the true state of people's ignorance in this country. :(

Yeah, I'm with Kelli. Jungle bunny isn't a phrase you just come up with accidentally. Now, OTOH, "monkey" might be an innocent mistake. A child swings on the jungle gym (we call them monkey bars here), or climbs up on something -- it's an easy comparison to make. And lots of white people who aren't in tune with racial sensitivities could say something like that about a child of color, never making the connection about skin tone, talking instead about behavior. I'm white. My father used to call me a monkey because of how I swung between them when I was little.

mallory4 - I love that you clocked the kid! I have seen my daughter clock a boy for taking a toy away...now if she'd only clock that little racist G... :) I know...no encouraging of violence. I would never do that. I'm of the "you defend yourself if you have to but you never throw the first punch" philosophy. As far as the girl's mother, I had thought about approaching her. However, she is REALLY unfriendly and at age 4, that HAS to be where her daughter has heard those comments, so I don't think it would help. Instead I've been dealing with my daughter on how to handle it. joskimo - I couldn't agree more! There should be a stiffer penalty for downright bad parenting! :) kmh112960 - I have to agree with everyone. I think she lied out of embarassment. Could someone really be that ignorant? Of course...I had to wonder the same thing about my aunt from a very rural, very conservative state. She was coming out to see my kids for the first time and in her email said she was bringing each of my kids a stuffed animal moose since there are moose on their property. OK...Fine. Then she said that she had also collected a bunch of little stuffed animal monkeys for her two "grand monkeys". I was horrified! However...I don't think she thought it was an offensive thing to say. She ended up not doing that. I think my grandma caught wind of the monkey thing and shut it down immediately. So...I am shocked sometimes at how seemingly innocent some people think racist comments are. But either way...they must be stopped. On a side note...speaking of the N-word. The first person I know of to call my kids that word was unfortunately my grandmother. She has mid to late stage Alzheimers. She doesn't know her family or what year it is or much of anything. When I brought my kids to see her (she had met them a few times before) she told her nurse, loudly, that they were my little ni**er children. I was stunned and very hurt. Now I know that she hardly knows her own name right now so I wasn't about to make an issue, but my kids haven't seen her since and probably never will. It has been tough explaining to my mom why I go alone to visit my grandmother, but I will not put my kids in that situation again. I love my grandma very much, but my kids are my priority!

Ahimsa, sorry about your grandma's Alzheimers. My grandmother developed Alzheimer's, too, but I am not sure she had it yet when she met my DH for the first time. (She didn't speak English, so it is hard for me to judge her state of mind.) Anyway, she was an old fashioned Italian granny and she basically refused to admit that he is black! She kept asking "What IS he?" and my mom kept saying "He is American, he is black!" and five minutes later she would say "Is he Hawaiian?" or "Is he an Indian?" or you name it, any kind of brown kind of person that isn't AA! It was actually kind of funny, since it all had to be translated into English by my very embarassed mom in a very public restaurant! Poor granny just couldn't get her head around it. Now, my 88 year old Italian grandpa is the only one left, and when he met our fost/adopt (biracial) son, he suggested to my mom that R was not really a foster child, but a child my dh had had with his mistress that I had kindly agreed to raise. :eek: He just couldn't get his head around the whole adopting a "stranger" part! Clearly, the world they came from is not one where Italian girls marry black guys and adopt special-needs kids. I am hoping that the fact that most people we know (under the age of 80!) didn't bat an eye about DH and I, or about our foster adoption means that however slowly, the world is changing for the better.