How your child became YOUR child...

Our fd at almost 7 years old is way to smart for her own good sometimes. She is very aware without anyone telling her, exactly what bad choices mom made in taking care of her and her brother B. She has never asked why mom made these bad choices. But we tell her that none of this is her fault, that mom made the bad choices and there was simply nothing she could have done to prevent it. We also had to help her learn it is the parents responsibility to take care of the kids, not the other way around. B, however, does not know his mom to be any other way, and only just recently asked why they have to stay with us. The cognitive skills are not there at 4 years old to see his mom one way, other moms a different way and see something wrong with his mom. M has expressed fears that mom will not get better and they will not be able to go home. As it appears this case is going to go to TPR this summer or so, we know that we will be faced with alot of issues that are not there now. We will adopt these kids if TPr happens. We have already said to their SW we are wanting to do 2 things with the kids if TPr happens. The first is to keep them in counseling as long as needed. for as long as it is our choice to have them in counseling, they will be there until a counselor releases them. Secondly, we want to attend family counseling. To help them deal with the thoughts and feelings that come with "losing a bmom and bdad" and gaining a "mom,dad and brother" as well as to help us deal with any associated behaviors and help us all adjust. And we are reading every book about adopting a foster child that we can find.

I could not agree more. As lovely as your story is, Bug&BearsMommy, it is not reality. It is a fairy tale. They were not responsible for choosing you, nor were they responsible for the things that seperated them from their birthparents. There is a book similar to your story called "Amy Angel Goes Home." I was so concerned about the theology behind it that I discussed the book at length with a number of religious leaders of all stripes including a couple of Catholic priests, an ex- Calvinist seminarian, a couple of Baptist ministers, a rabbi, a Lutheran minister and an Episcopalian priest. All of them told me that there was nothing in their interpretation of the bible that would support that kind of thought. Even the Ex-Calvinist, who knew a lot about pre-destination, did not see it in those terms. In fact, he said, according to pre-destination it was meant that "Amy" have the birthfamily that she did and that her path to her adoptive family was "set before time." While stories like this may be helpful to parents, and may give kids an out from reality for a little while, they do not hold the child's truth. I personally feel it is better to tell the truth from the beginning that to have to dispel myths later. And I really do believe that it is dangerous to give kids responsibility for others actions.

I will say that I agree with Mallory4 and Bromachick. I do think it's a great little fairy tail. But it does put the blame on the children. Like they chose to be hurt and uncared for. It also paints God in a bad light. It is never God's will that a child be hurt. He does allow it to happen based soley on the part where we have free will and He doesn't generally go against that. I have found that I am totally honest with my foster kids. J is 5 now and he knows exactly why he's going to live here forever. His bmom allowed her boyfriend to hit him and hurt him and his sister. He knows they are in jail for stealing and breaking the law. I will never tell him he "chose" that family. I will never tell him that God put him there to be hurt first so that I could love him later. That is adding a false sence of guilt. He will have enough guilt in his life, I don't need to add any of the false stuff.

Sorry, but I really liked it and I think it's worthy of publishing. In my opinion, God is real as is life. Why we suffer, why we all have something crappy to deal with, I can't explain, but I can say that God never promised it would be a bed of roses, but he does have big & better plans for everyone. He is always working on our lives, even when it doesn't seem like it. So, to say that maybe as little souls in heaven, we might get to help pick some of the good things that will happen in our lives, I see nothing wrong with that. Sorry, I don't see it as putting guilt or blame on the children. I didn't read that into the story. Here's what I "heard": I want a great mommy & daddy family that loves me. God says I'll have that, but I'll be going thru some rough spots first and have to be strong until I get to my real mommy & daddy. I could reverse this story and make it mine: As an angel baby in Heaven I say Hey God, I want to have great kids. God says I'll have that, but I'll go thru some rough spots first and will have to be strong and patient until my child comes to me. Along my journey, I figure out that I want a child so bad, that all my love and want doesn't leave any extra room in my body to have a child biologically (part of my journey and rough spots). For whatever reasons that I don't understand, I have to wait, I suffer, my children suffer, but then suddenly, God brings us together. For reasons we'll possibly never understand here on earth, that moment is God's timing. I really don't see it as a lie or really fairy tale-ish. I think it also has a lot to do with what you view as a lie. Many ppl view celebrating Santa & the Easter bunny as lies. Don't get me wrong, I take this story seriously, but I think just like the Santa idea, as children get older, they begin to understand that it is a concept about giving and loving and less about the "character" Santa. Similarly, the story about the angels and the mommy & daddy is a concept about love and finally getting to the right place with God's help. That's my take and my opinion. I like it. :clap:

sincerely-Thank-you, it seem you have actually read it in the concept it was meant to be read...with the heart...the same way it was written...from my heart to my sons.

bug&bear, I love your signature - that God had bigger plans than I did. That's so cool!

We are making progress. We go for our evaluation at the Attachment and Bonding Center on May 15. I hope Dr. Keck turns out to be all he has been promised to be. Maybe then Beka can put some of these issues behind her and start feeling good.

THis is similar to what I'm planning to use as his first adoption story for my son. It's beautiful - I feel so much love in there!!!!!

That was just wonderful, it made me cry! I have spent many nights, and in fact much time when I should have been working in the day thinking about my children... Children my arms havent touched but my heart hold very dear. I have writen letters, made life book covers, decorated rooms and bought toys... sometimes I when I close my eyes I can hear their laughter, I certainly have felt their tears! Your story was just so fantastic!Heidi

I can't support the story you wrote. I respect your beliefs, but I would hate to think your kids might have misplaced guilt or worse yet misplaced disdain for kids who didn't "choose" their parents. I'm trying to say, by using this story, you're in danger of teaching your kids intolerance towards people of other faiths - so I'd ask please, make sure your kids understand other people believe differently from you. My son, now 9, and daughter, now 14, were placed with us three years ago (their seventh placement). Both have memories of their bmother and that's one dreadful story. Worse, my son was abused while in foster care. You might want to think God tells them they're going through difficulties before finding their forever family, but no God in which I'd care to believe would EVER put a child through what my son endured. Or continues to endure, as he's got anxiety disorder as a result. I'd prefer to think of a loving God who can't quite keep up with us all. What my son had happen was wrong on all levels and I can't believe there's a reason, beyond my comprehension or not. No five year old should have his leg intentionally twisted until the bones shatter then be denied medical care. And this was the foster parents! - and this is just a small bit of his history. EVERY foster home they were in (except us) had at least allegations of abuse. He desperately wants to know his history and is one smart kid - so he keeps asking questions I don't WANT to answer because the response is too intense for a child his age. He might be bright enough to ask, but I don't think he's mature enough for the truth. And I also badly want to protect him (and I know I can't - I have to tell the truth - but I'm making it a judicious truth at the moment). My daughter doesn't want details, but when she's ready, we'll talk to her. Best of luck to you.

I read these replies and it is comforting to know I am not alone in my struggle. I think what it all comes down to is that there are no easy answers for talking to our children about where they came from. I know, and I can only speak for myself, that at the end of the day I can only hope that I have done more good than I have harm. There is no right or wrong answer in what we should tell, when we should tell, how we should tell, and if we should tell at all. We just have to pray that the decision we make is the right one for our childen.

I don't expect anyone to "support" my story. I don't expect anyone to even LIKE what I wrote. It just is something that to ME and MY family actually means something...you know like in the poetry furum where someone posts something they have written. The truth is that MY mother used to tell me WE picked them as parents and none of us were adopted. For crying out loud, it was something that I grew up believing...in the context it was meant. It is a belief...it is a faith I have...WE have as a family. Be it a "fairy tale", not "reality", or whatever...however previous posters perceptions might have been...I really don't care. The truth is, as I said before, I wrote this stemming from the beliefs I was raised with and it came FROM my HEART...FOR my sons. I wouldn't change a thing.

No one should have to feel like they need to defend something that they did out of love. Especially for our babies. I'm sure when they are old enough to understand everything, they will be told. But until then, let them have their story. They will treasure it always and you for giving it to them. I see it as a statement of your love, nothing more and certainly nothing less.

I blogged on this called [URL="http://adoption.families.com/blog/adoption-melissas-story1"]Adoption: Melissa's Story[/URL] if you care to read it.

I thought it was a lovely story. It made me get teary eyed, that's for sure. Sincerely took my thoughts exactly. This is a story written from your heart to your boys. This story is the foundation for Bug and Bear to understand that they were conceived in your heart and not your tummy. The "real" reasons for them being your sons may come up later, but they'll always have that story of your love as their foundation!! Great job. I think I may have to start writing my own story!!!!