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Originally Posted By MarieI would like to get some advice on that as well. I know where my son's birth half-sister is and wonder if it will ever be an issue for my son to meet her before he is 18? If he wants to meet her, what do I say? His birthmom (we are a closed adoption) made a request in my son's file that I don't contact his sister or bmom's ex-husband (who has custody) because they know nothing about my son.
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Originally Posted By LauraIt seems to me that anything dealing with adoption is a wild rollercoaster ride of emotions and wondering am I doing the right thing? I have no choice about keeping relationships open with my child's siblings because we are all family. I can only pray that my child won't be hurt in the long run and things will work out smoothly. Questions will come up. Answers may be hard, but God is only a prayer away. Pray before the situation comes and He'll give you the right words.
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Originally Posted By Adopted AmomI wish my adoptive parents had told me about my siblings instead of hiding everything in fear of losing me. This not knowing created distrust. It made me feel powerless and under everyone elses control. They had all the information and kept it from me. Now very much older with adopted children of my own I share everything I know. When they ask, I tell them about the possibilities for reunion and what to expect (the good and the bad). I let them know that their birthfamilies want to meet them when they get older, but it's THEIR decision. I tell them that sometimes there is pain on both sides and that we have to help each other heal. They went through my own reunions and hopefully will grow up and learn how to handle the joys and pains of adoption. They will be more prepared than I. I will be right by their side ...IF THEY opt to search. Right now , since they are young, I can be here to reaasure them they were loved by all involved. As an adoptee I hated being told I was special,picked out or a gift from God. I also disliked being called ungrateful everytime I opposed my adoptive parents. It made me feel different and separate. I know I've gotten off the track here.......but the best advise I can give is to love your child unconditionally. Don't put "adoption labels" on them. They already know they're adopted. Let them come to you in their own time. Answer their questions straight forwardly with honestly, don't over explain.While they are young, maybe there is something you can do to find where the siblings are and stay in touch somehow. I wish I had been in touch with my 5 sibs all those lost years....Now we sit together,laugh, cry and enjoy each others company and have TWO families that love us. There is no getting over the pain adoption can bring all involved, but "knowing" helped bring closure for me. I don't know if this helped anyone.....but it sure helped me... :o)
Originally Posted By Your words helped meI am an adoptee also -- kinda the flip side of yours tho. My aparents hid our adoption from most people in their family -- including us. So we never heard the "you were special or picked-out" etc. I got another message once I found out that I was adopted -- and that being one was so bad you should never talk about it or admit it.My amom denied our adoption for many years and only admited it to me and my sister this last year. She still pretends to mos people that we are hers biologically -- even told a co-worker the reason that I like chocolate was because she ate so much while pregnant with me -- then she winked at me.Even going to see the doctor she gave her families medical history for us. I think she may have actually convinced herself she did have us. Anyways I really related with the being ungrateful statement. My amom thinks I am ungrateful because I did not send my bmom away when she found me. She also thinks I am obsessed with adoption and she (my amom) doesn't want to wear the "badge" of adoption. I think she is ashamed to tell people that she had to adopt. However, she doesn't want to discuss adoption anymore with me -- like we have only discussed it 3 times. I wonder if she has any idea how her attitude towards adoption makes me feel? Thanks for posting -- Pamela
Originally Posted By Adopted Amom (to Pamela)My amom tried to convince herself that "I" was the one that didn't want people to know I was adopted..."oh she doesn't like people to know"...she was projecting of course. Like your amom, I was in the hospital severely ill. They thought it could be luekemia. The doctor asked her for my family's medical history ... she gave it to him! It was my adoptive family's medical history. The doctor came in and told me he had just gotten the info from her and I said...did she tell you I was adopted? He said.."no!"...the look of disbelief on his face...being that I was possibly facing death and in need of a bone marrow transplant. As it turned out it was severe anemia..due to depression...As far as the "badge" of adoption? How terrible...It's not a scarlett letter...You have to carry that burden by yourself the rest of your life. Who is the adult here? She is putting her own feelings before yours (this can also happen in bio families...). Pamela...it was very hard for me to confront my amom...but I did...and things are better. It was rough going for awhile, but the more time that passed the easier it was for her to talk...I did have to push her into it though. Tell her EXACTLY how you are feeling. Any mother would want to ease the pain and suffering of their child. You should not have to bear the brunt of her own insecurities...maybe you could help her get over them by forcing her the face them.I feel for you...it is a constant struggle. How is your relationship your bmom going?
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Originally Posted By JoThank you for sharing your insight and experiences. Please don't misunderstand me, I have no plan to tell my son he's "special", even though to me he is such a special person, as is my daughter. I dearly love them, and am sad when I learn that other aparents could actually say such hurtful things, like "you're ungrateful." As with all people, children who are placed for adoption were given no choice how they entered life, or how they became part of a family--but for people to hide basic facts of life history or to make a child feel shame for something which should cause no shame must be difficult to cope with. I wish you both the best, and appreciate all comments. I have hope that my son will also know his half-sisters, and I will help him any way that I can.
Originally Posted By OMG -- to adopted amom from pamI thought that my sister and I were the only ones that had ever happen too. Did it embarrase you to have to correct what your mom told the doctor, too? My amom hates to even discuss it (adoption) and I have forced her too. Even when my bmom found me and she found out -- she tried to deny it again. Thats exactly why I stopped trying to talk with her, she at least acknowledges the adoption (in private). As far as relationship with my bmom goes, it been kinda up and down. She adopted a son 5 yrs after placing me. There is lots of feelings for both of us.However, I am commited to making this work.
Originally Posted By Adopted AmomPamIn a weird way I felt vindicated...Meaning..She had always projected that "I" had the problem with the fact I was adopted..It was obvious to the doctor that she was the one with the insecurities..He was flabergasted to say the least. To put her insecurities above my health.My bmom is avery nice person, however, I guess I expected she would want to know about my life, my pain and answer all the questions about the memories I had. Unfortunately she was so wrapped up in her own problems, I felt like I was her therapist. She claimed she couldn't remember the abuse I suffered at her hands and her boyfriends...So I still need my foster care records to verify my memories. I wish I could forgive her, but without the truth the relationship cannot grow. I will continue to try with her.My amom feels betrayed by my search. My adad forbade me to discuss adoption. So I had to mentally deny the first part of my life. She will have to learn to deal with her issues. She finally conceeded that she put me through Hell and back. It's been a long road. I am capable of forgiveness to all those who made my life so trying, the only cost to them is the truth. I feel then I can put it to rest.Not easy is it? Especially when you have to live with yourself everyday and you can't get away from your thoughts. Pam, I think I've faced the fact that only I can make a difference in my own life. No one else is going to help take the pain away..If our adoption records were never sealed and all adoptions were open, the truth would not be such an enigma to adoptees. All the Best
Originally Posted By LisaMy brother was adopted in 1965. I guess things havn't changed much. No one ever considered sisters and brothers and their rights to know each other. I never signed my rights away, yet I just found out that my brother existed recently. I feel very much like someone has stolen my brother from me for my entire life. Your son's mother dosn't have the right to say that her daughter dosn't have the right to know her brother. And I hope that you tell your son about his sister, at least he has the knowledge that he has family out there.
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Originally Posted By MarieIn my case, my son was adopted through the foster care system (he was a newborn) but his bmom hid the pregnancy from her ex-husband and her 5 year old daughter. She requested no contacted and requested through the agency that I make no contact with my son's sister because the ex-husband and her daughter (my son's sister) don't know about him. I would very much like to respect bmom's wishes, however, I want to do what is best for my son in the future since he is only a toddler now. I will let him know about his sister at some point but when? Also, what do I do if he asks to meet her and she doesn't know about him either?
Originally Posted By angieyou should never feel like you can't talk about it or have to hide it! i've never been adopted, but i've got 4 brothers who were. they really don't talk about it, but i know our birthmom and she would never hide anything from us. their adoptive parents don't hide anything, but i think it's wrong to put it in your adoptive child's head that the bparents don't want them. in this case, our mom did and still does......can't say the same about the younger boys birthdad. anyway, if you want to know anything, don't feel bad about putting your foot down and demanding to know. i'd want to know if i were adopted, and i can't blame you. and you don't have to shun your bmom away unless YOU want to....your amom has to think of your feelings and not just hers.