Nervous & need Adv on Open Adop

You set your limits and then enjoy it. Once we were in the relationship with DD's birth family, we realized that in many ways, we were more open than they were to contact. It's actually been quite hard having the limited contact we do when we hear of others who have experienced the "extended family" kind of openness. I guess my only suggestion is to think about why you are "scared". Write down the reason and then explore the worst possible scenario you can think of. Could that worst case really happen? What are the chances and what are the consequences? Once you do that you might see that your fears aren't as strong anymore. Remember, you will be this child's mother if the expecting mom chooses you and that means you will be able to set the proper limits on contact that are healthy for the child. Not only that, but you will be trusting her to make the first parenting choice for her child - that is, to place her with you - now, can you trust her to make other good choices in regards to contact? And in the end, you will need to remember that no matter what, your child had another family before you and they will always be a part of their lives, whether as extended family or not. Hoping for the best for all of you in this situation...

GAmom2B, I think Tammy said it really well! Just want to echo her sentiments and say that for us and our son's bmom, the openness is a work-in-progress. Its hard, especially early on when you are getting to know one another on a new and deeper level after the baby is born. You are working to establish a very unique kind of family relationship like no other in any of your lives to this point. It really takes a great deal of courage, trust and honesty on both sides to make it work. But, I do think/hope it will begin to feel more natural and comfortable for you over time. As far as when to tell the child -- our son is just 2 yrs old now but we have been telling him about his birthfamily from day one. He recognizes them in their pictures and he plays a game with dh every night where he actually lists everyone in our family -- b-relatives included. Bmom's picture is up in our son's room and we refer to her all the time. It is our hope that he'll just grow up viewing her and her family all as natural parts of our whole family. We hope that by incorporating them into his life as it progresses, he'll have an easier time with the knowledge of his adoption than if we'd waited for someday to sit down and formally 'tell' him about being adopted and about his birthfamily. Anyway, sorry to ramble. I think its great that you are asking yourself these questions now and confronting your feelings about this as you prepare for the baby's birth. I know your heart and mind will guide you as to what feels right in your situation. Feel free to ask more questions as you go along. We're here to help if there's anyway we can. All the best, Ellie

Are you willing to read some books, both you and your husband? Would you be willing to read some articles as well? Our agency required us to read a few books onopen adoption before passing our homestudy, and I'm glad they did. No matter how much my husband and I talked, the books really helped us further our conversations and gave things to think about. If you really want to explore this, please consider reading. Here are a few books easily purchased to get you going: Lois Melina's "Open Adoption Experience," James Gritter's "Spirit of Open Adoption," and Kathleen Silber's "Children of Open Adoption." Pact, An Adoption Allience is a very good resource for artilces on adoption, including open adoption and when and how to discuss adoption with our children. Just google their name and you will have a huge number of articles at your finger tips online to read for free. I agree with the previous poster who suggested that you make a list of worries, questions, concerns, whathaveyou. There are many myths about open adoption, and if you want you could post some of your concerns here and we could help you sort through them. Time is a factor in figuring this all out since you have already met an exp mother. But start reading now so she won't have to wait much longer to know how you feel about this so she can decide to stick with you or move on. You asked about overnight visits and how much contact is good, well all that's up to you and the exp mother to decide. There is no one right answer nor is there one right way. When you say overnight do you mean she would travel to your city and stay in your home? I know many families who do this and it's based on their comfort of everyone involved, just like any relative staying at your home is. Or do you mean the child going for an overnight visit? We live too close to stay at one another's homes for visits, and we didn't discuss unsupervised visits when we matched with my child's birth parents. If unsupervised visits had come up I would have declined commiting to them officially, since that is something I want my child to participate in deciding. As for how do you get beyond your fears, talking about them really helps! It took me a while to be sure this is what I wanted, I had to talk with my husband a lot (he was the one who brought it up first), get all of my feelings out on the table, I even spoke with a counselor on my own to be sure. I hope you check back and share some of your thoughts, fears, we have open adoptions would love to help you, even if it's to discover open adoption is not the path for you.

I guess I first need to know exactly what the pbmom hopes for in open adop. I have a stepmother (I know situation is different, but potential feelings won't be) who I resented for many years (I lived w/dad & her). For many years, I wanted to be with my "real mom". That is my biggest fear. . . our son (it's a boy) would want to be with her and not us. My relationship w/momis, ironically now 30 plus yrs later, not only much better but much better than the one I have with my "real mom". Time and circumstances and growing up brought this relationship. How do I share? How can I overcome the fear she would want him back? How do we handle possible interference? I know we have to work with pbmom & I don't believe there will be problems. I just want to be able to give some answers if asked. Her goal was to make a decision on who to place with within the "next month" (that was 2 weeks ago, now down to 2). She's a great girl with a wonderful spirit & sense of responsibility towards unborn child. I want to be fair, but honestly feel a little selfish. I am a very open person, as is she, which I feel will help. Hopefully, once she chooses us (hopeful thinking) these feelings will diminish some with the decision. Then we can get on with compromising on the rest.

the key thing is not to commit to something that you're not comfortable with. if you cannot commit to overnight visits, then say so. you can adopt a child without committing to things that don't sit right with you. it's about committing to what you feel comfortable with. bfamilies need to know that and make a decision based on that. and pact's website, which has a ton of info, is [url]www.pactadopt.org[/url] good luck!

As a bmom in a fully open adoption I agree with what everyone else has posted. Do not commit to anything you do not feel comfortable with. Talk with the pbfamily about what you both see as a comfortable and workable agreement. Also, remember that your open adoption agreement should be revisited as needed so don't be afriad that you will have to stick to whatever you've decided on for the rest of your child's life - it should be revisited. Educate yourself - Lisa posted some really good books. Explore your feelings and talk about them with people who will understand and help you work through them.

First off, I wouldn't agree to anything your not comfortable with. It's better to offer what your most comfortable with and then add more as you gain a relationship of trust with her. (I jumped in too fast and had to pull back and it was difficult on all of us...now we are back to being much more open...but I wish we didn't have to go through that). Those fears you have are REAL!!! But once you come to terms with the absolute worst that the birth mom must feel or that the child might feel or do, or how you might feel.....then you can learn to let go of some of those worries and just accept the situation for what it is. Look at the situation from a lifelong perspective. How much contact would you like and in what ways? Would you rather develope that relationship now, so you can always be there supporting your child with all the feelings and realities of being adopted or ignore it all until your child is old enough and wanting to search? Then having to face the feelings of loosing your son to another mother as he developes a relationship with her later? I'd rather have a relationship all along so that my children will have a chance to know how special they are and how loved they are by all those that care for them. I like the fact that I'm willing to share my life, my family, with my childrens birthfamily. That I have the privellege of developing a relationship with them as well. That doesn't mean we have to have them take our kids for a day or for the night....we can share our lives in different ways that we are all comfortable with. It's not easy!!! There are soooo many questions, fears, jealousy, every range of emotion you can think of that pop up, but it is soooo worth every minute of that to see the love and smile on the birthfamilies face and my child having so much fun.

Hi, let me see if I can approach this one point at a time, sorry if it's disjointed. -I guess I first need to know exactly what the pbmom hopes for in open adop. Acaually, I really encourage you to consider what you are comfortable with too. This is a dialogue between you two and she may be looking to you to give her ideas as much as you hope to get ideas from her, you know what I mean? -I have a stepmother (I know situation is different, but potential feelings won't be) who I resented for many years (I lived w/dad & her). For many years, I wanted to be with my "real mom". That is my biggest fear. . . our son (it's a boy) would want to be with her and not us. My relationship w/momis, ironically now 30 plus yrs later, not only much better but much better than the one I have with my "real mom". Time and circumstances and growing up brought this relationship. I had the same fear. I was adopted my my dad, and he's very much my dad, so I had to step back and realize I was not looking to replace him why should I assume my child will want to replace me. I fully expect my child to shoot the "you're not my real mom" arrow at me. It's not unlike telling our biological parents I hate you, or I wish I'd been born into a different family, we'll handle it, and we believe we will have babe's birth family's support. I'm not saying that children don't choose to leave their adoptive families, anything is possible, but I have to hope that openness will greatly reduce the chances because my child's birth parents are not mysterious fugures or fantasies, they are real people involved in our child's life from the get go. -How do I share? How would you share your child(ren) with any other family? You would share stories, pictures, good times, food together, birthdays together- as parents we naturally share all of those things. If you mean how do you share being the mother, well, you will. There will be two mothers and two fathers, but only one set of parents- and that is true whether you have an open, semi closed, or closed adoption. Having contact doesn't change that, the other mother and father always exist. However, you do not share roles. You will be the parent, you will be parenting. Do you fear you will share the title of mommy etc? Some choose to share this, others choose different titles, and some choose to use only first names for birth mothers and fathers. Can you give me picture of what interference feels like or looks like for you? Before we started adoption, I worried to some degree about this, but it never materialized. My babe's birth mother and father are very respectful of our choices for babe, and if not they have never said so. They chose us because they trusted us, and told us this. I have problems with my MIL interfering ;) -How can I overcome the fear she would want him back? Honestly, yes it's possible she could want the baby back, and if she does it won't matter if you have an open adoption or a closed one. She will feel grief, she will feel loss, there is no way around it. Guilt and sadness do not mean she will change her mind. There is a popular stereotype/myth/"idea" that sharing cute pictures and stories, and having viists, will "make her want to take the baby back." This is folly. Babe's entire birth family loves the pictures and the stories, they eat them up, babe is the cutest little creature ever put on the planet and there is no one banging down our door to steal babe away. The pictures can bring saddness for them, seeing what they don't get to see every day, so pictures are a double edge sword, but it's up to them to decide if they can look at them or need to tuck them in a drawer. This is a question we were asked by our counselor and it might help you soldilify your feelings about the level of openness. Ask yourself what your current family relations are like, how often do you see extended family, how often do you invite people over, this is good model for open adoption. For example monthly visits for people who don't go out of their way to see other family more than three times per year is out of charactor, and likely unrealistic. Also consider your family's "style." Are you last minute planners, able to pick up the phone and make plans for the next day, are you spontaneous and welcome guests if they happen to drop by, or are you planners who need a couple of weeks to make arrangements? All of these things are good to discuss. You want to avoid unrealistic expactations, or unspoken expectations. What may be obvious to you may not be to her, and visa versa. For instance we even discussed who would call who when we got home from the hospital, that way there was no wondering or worrying. We discussed how we each wanted to be recognized (or not recognized) on Mother's Day and Father's Day. We discussed the first birthday, who would be invited. Putting it on paper is a great idea. If you do, everyone should read it and sign or at least initial what you have agreed to, and each should get a copy. This isn't to make it legal, this is about laying it all out there, no mysteries or assumptions. Well, hopefully that made some sense. I'm awfully lazy about editting or spell checking. I hope you all are able to be open with one another. Please get some of the books I mentioned earlier, your concerns are discussed, and so much better than I ever could :) Take care...