New RAD MOM SEEKS ADVICE

Thank you all very much. I don't know I honestly have never had much confidence in much of what I do. I am currently trying to talk to someone about that.. thinking if I can make myself feel better I will be better able to help my daughter... My grandmother and mother are very overpowering and pushy, well pretty closed minded and think they are experts on anything.. Both meaning well and truely concerned. That being said, they both make me doubt myself constantly. I some how find myself seeking their aproval to validate being a good mom. I keep telling myself it is them not getting it, not that I am a bad mom. It just hurts because my daughter plays on this big time. She is only 4 but has the mental capabilties of a child much older. (normally this would be a good thing). I guess what I am trying to say is, thank you all for making me feel a bit more "normal" and for your good advice.

I'm sure your Mom and Grandmother are well meaning but it sounds as though they are totally meddlesome and interfering as well as detrimental to the well being of you and your child. My suggestion would be to either educate them with articles on RAD and attachment or to keep them on the sidelines for now and limit contact with you and your child. Get yourself going with a really good attachment therapist. Have you read Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel Hughes? It is a must read for those with attachment issues. Best wishes, LilyMoon

Where is this Institute? My teenager has attachment disorder and I want to look into something for him.

I second the vote for Nancy Thomas's book, When Love is Not Enough. I love the DVD series. But another favorite is Deborah Hage's book, Therapeutic Parenting; It's a Matter of Attitude. IMO, that's the best book for concrete, do-it-today suggestions. Both are on Nancy Thomas's website.

Please take "When Love is Not Enough" with a grain of salt. I found that the the acute take on RAD in the book to be a little radical and almost disheartening. I am glad to be the dad of my daughter, but if I had read the book prior to becoming her dad, I would not have adopted out of fear. Just my $0.02 worth.

Desperatemom, the Attachment Disorder Network ([url="http://www.radzebra.org"]www.radzebra.org[/url]) has a booklet for sale--basically at our printing costs--that is designed to help extended family members "get it". It isn't perfect, but it was written by another mom of an attachment-challenged child, so it won't be coming out of YOUR mouth. I think they are like five bucks or something. You can find more info on the website. Also, I don't know your location, but ADN is having a conference in June in Atlanta. That would be a great opportunity for your extended family to come and learn something and for YOU to be surrounded by folks living the same life! I thought of the conference because I do a workshop entitled "The Good Mom" and that is exactly how you put it in your post. Boy, can I relate. The opening slide shows June Cleaver on one side and Atilla the Hun on the other!!!Hang in there, we are all right there with you!

Our therapist said something once that made me finally understood what attachment parenting is all about (didn't stop me from screwing up and getting angry sometimes, but I did a lot better after I "got it"). She said that basically attachment parenting is not all that different from brainwashing. You're trying to teach the child how to be part of a family. You remind them over and over that "mommy takes good care of you", "mommy keeps you safe", "mommy and daddy are the boss", "mommy and daddy love you, even when you're naughty--but nice is more fun", etc. If the kids hear something over and over, eventually it becomes real to them, and overcomes their current maladaptive mindset. And yes, RAD kids are EXHAUSTING. For our child, things started to slowly change after about 6 months, were much better after a year, and now 1 1/2 years later, she's 95% like any regular, fully-attached child (every now and then--5%--she tests us to make sure we're still in charge, but meltdowns are very short-lived). And don't feel bad giving yourself a "time out". When our daughter was on my last nerve, I'd say "Mommy is too cranky and needs a time out. Stay in your room and play until I come back." Fortunately she did--those 10 minutes by myself were lifesavers.

consist of parents being held on air mats for the 2 days of the boot camp....parents are given suggestions of such things are licking their kids face, etc..... FYI , before you get hook and send lots of money his way.....

:( in reference to The Beyond Consequences Institute, LLC Both Heather and Bryan were trained under Martha Welch.... Just remember, nothing can be solved in a weekend... Be careful before giving someone thousands of dollars of your money and years of your time.....Don't always believe what you read..... Hey weren't advertizments for paid services supposed to be band??????/

I want to thank everyone, you have all helped me through an extremely bad time... Our worse yet. I did take productive steps, I have re-read the posts when I was feeling hopeless and I did finally get to the doctors for myself and was given some meds to help keep myself together. I am a pretty sensitive person and quite transparant to my daughter. Now I am starting to feel like I have a bit more back bone and a tiny bit more relaxed. I have been checking the library on "Nancy Thomas" books and according to our library which can search all of MA. There is none in the state! Going to go and buy one at the book store.. Also someone mentioned a concfrence..I am attending "creating Bonds that Attach" this month. I am looking forward to it because I am attanding with my social worker so mabye I will be able to expand my resource network. Thanks again , hunny has been taking good care of me and I feel like I am back on my feet for now. We are actually running away from the kids today and going to the home show in CT. JUST THE 2 OF US!! I can't wait!!! Gotta go get ready!! I know I have never met you all, but please believe me when I tell you, you helped me out of a very dark place. I hope someday I can return the favor.

My library doesn't have any of Nancy Thomas's books either, though they did get her Healing Trust book on cassette last year and I checked it out and listened to it multiple times. A book that my library could get was "Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children" by Hughes. I liked it, the book alternates chapters between a story of a child with RAD and explanations of what is the cause of the behaviors and stuff. My child doesn't have RAD so I don't know from personal experience if the book is helpful, but I've noticed that the attachment therapist that posts sometimes (Dr Art) has recommended it in his posts.

Hi there! I just finished reading the book, Becoming a Family and found it to have lots of information. Someone also suggested this book:[font=Arial]Beyond Consequences,Logic, and Control:[/font][font=Arial] A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors. If you would like the web address PM me and I will give it to you so you can buy the book. I just ordered it. Good luck with everything and please do not give up![/font]

I see that this is very old. but i am this person too. Cyou guys please give me advise. My adopted son as just diagionasoed today. I want to help him.. We have a his, her and our very large family with major issuses on different levels. Any and all input will be incourged and requested.

I think the most helpful thing I read was as some others have said, Beyond Consequences. I am trying to learn to "let go." I have found that my dd is sooo afraid. That is where she is coming from. If I parent out of fear, and control, it turns into a nightmare situation. Love will conquer fear. Fear and control only add to the situation. I have learned this the hard way. One more thing that I have learned is, these children need strict boundaries. My dd is 13, was 10 1/2 when she was adopted. When we have tried to give her the freedom children her own age enjoy, it has turned into a disaster. We have learned to keep a tight reign. We have controls on the TV, etc. It can sometimes be a delicate balancing act figuring out how to provide boundaries without being controlling. Also, my dd is very jealous of my son (also adopted). Be aware of this possibility. My dd likes affection if it is on her terms. However, anger is often sprinkled in the affection. She will often hug me to the point it hurts me. I am not sure what that is all about. At this point in time, I can honestly say that I am seeing an improvement. She is learning resiliency. Her anger is shorter lived and not as violent. This experience is a very difficult thing to go thru. I have often said to myself I would never wish this on my worst enemy. I have learned to not expect anyone to understand this except for people who live it like the people on this forum and a few close family members. As far as bonding, make eye contact as much as you can. My dd liked me to bathe her and wash her hair when she first came to our famiily. She also liked for me to sleep/nap with her. I wanted to paint her nails/style her hair, but she would not let me usually. The bonding moments have been on her terms. I am no expert, but I think it has helped even it was/are on her terms. I do my best to meet her on her terms. It's frustrating, exhausting. And you never know how it is going to turn out. The parent who said that bonding is like brainwashing is absolutely right. We have to retrain their brains. It is like brainwashing. One of the mom's on this forum reminds her RAD child that she is an awesome mom. I have also told my dd this. For example, I found you the best (fill in the blank). Because I am an awesome mom. I have repeated this mantra many times. This coupled with giving up the control seems to be helping . . . PM me anytime. I understand. Keep reaching out.

I have 2 R.A.D Girls that we adopted 11 months ago. Be strong with them, Nancy & Beth Thomas has a DVD out; They say the only way for them to bond with you is to take every thing away from them, and you start taking care of them like a baby; We have ares in a hospital right now and when they come home we are just going to have a bed in their room and work from their. Watch over your other children real close, my 9 year old put glue in my drinks. She lies all the time. Hope this helps achildoflite