Feeling lost again?

I'm so sorry for your loss; if you would like to 'meet' other adoptee's who searched and found their first mothers deceased you can go to FOUND AND LOST SUPPORT in Yahoo Groups, in the mourning and loss category. Please pm me for the link.The group is very warm and supportive. Hope to see you there. Don't forget to tell the owner you found the group through this site.

Jeannie, you're not alone....I found my son deceased...he died 15 years before I found him. It's been extremely difficult to come to terms with it. I needed to find others like myself so I started to support group for our special circumstances. I call it FOUND AND LOST SUPPORT - you can find it with this link: [url=http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/foundandlostsupport/]FoundandLostSupport : Found and Lost Support[/url] The group has 46 members, most adoptee's and some moms...all the members are very nice and very supportive and understanding. Don't forget to tell the owner you found us through this site. Hope to see you there. I'm sorry for your loss. Denise

Hi jen, I know how you feel. At the age of 48 in 1998 I found my bmon but she was not able to handle a contact and so I left her in peace. Was informed in Sep this year that she had passed away and as a result i met her eldest son by marraige. he is a wonderful man but i feel a lot of guilt because i met him as a result of my Bmom's death. Am slowly sorting thru the emtional minefield and am determined to come out in fromt but it is difficult. To make matters worse my brother humanised my mother as all i had had was two letters and a photo which has created a deep sense of loss. How do u mourn a person you have never met. To top it off the anniversary of my adoptive mother's death is dec 26 so u can see how Xmas to me is alittle bit offputting. But i will grin and bare it for the sake of my children grandchildren and my wife Keep your chin up Jen u are not alone

Hey MuzKerry,I understand how meeting your brother has intensified your sense of loss over your birth mom. And the anniversary of your adoptive mom's death being 26 Dec is extra hard. I can relate to your sense of guilt and the emotional minefield that you're going through. For me, it's been a little over a year that I Found and Lost. The year's been rough, Xmas is difficult (my a-mom, my stepdad and both my birth parents are dead), but we do survive. Allow yourself to mourn/grieve in whatever way you feel comfortable. I found that going to a 'blue service' via my local church was helpful. The 'blue service' is offered at Xmas time for people who are feeling blue for whatever losses they are enduring. The blue service helped me honour my feelings as well as learn about the severe refugee circumstances of Jesus and his family at the time of his birthday. May knowing that others, such as me, share your sense of loss offer you some comfort at this difficult time. Yours,Ripples

Thank you very much ripples. Your words of comfort are very much appreciated. After Xmas I will be travelling to my home state of tasmania and place a letter at my adoptive parents grave as well as placing a letter in the river where my birth mum ashes were spread. Hopefully that will start the healing process. It has to because I with my new found brother mus start searching for a sister who was taken from our birth mum two years after i was born It is Xmas day here in Australia so my family and i will be celebrating in the usual way (eating laughing etc) and i hope your Xmas will be better than your last yours Muzkerry

Hey MuzKerry,As an adoptee who's also lived in Australia, there are several adoptee support groups in Oz. [url=http://www.bensoc.org.au]Benevolent Society - Homepage[/url] (based in Sydney and might be able to point you to one nearby). [url=http://members.ozemail.com.au/~jigsaw/]JIGSAW QUEENSLAND INC.[/url] (Brisbane) While not all adoptees have Found and Lost, many can relate to the other issues of loss, etc; All the best,Ripples

Hi ripples, Well survived Xmas day. The tribe thought I was unusually quiet which I was. Did not argue with any of them. They think it is strange a self assured confident 56 year has all of a sudden lost his way so to speak. They all find it very hard to understand. I think even my newlyfound brother also does not fully understand I do know that I will come thru the other end. What has happened is that an emotional wall i built up since i discovered i was adopted at the age of 34 has been breeched and couple with the circumstances under which i met my brother, the emotional senses have been heightened. But I would not have missed the journey for a million dollars. And as i said i now have to find my sister. I have at last found the website for Vanish the Victorian organisation. Now all i have to do is await the result of an email i sent them asking if I can join them as they are primarily for Victorian adoptees etc and i was born and raised is Tasmania. Ever since I found out I was adopted I have considered other people. I did not tell my adoptive Mum because the week I confirmed that I was adopted I was due to go to malaysia for two years with the RAAF. Then when I made contact with my bmom and she did not want to maintain contact or meet me (it was too much for her to handle) I deliberately chose not to contact her children by marraige because of my concern for her. When informed of her death I again chose not to attend her funeral out of respect for her and her family (it was her day and the last thing they needed was a talking point). Now forgive me but for once in this saga I feel i need to do something for myself which is why I am travelling back home to say goodbye. Is that too much ? Hpe all your friends and family have a joyous xmas and new year regards MuzKerry

Please forgive me for posting, since I am a birthmom in a reunion, but as a pastor I work with grieving people all the time. As you have acknowledged grief is a process and while there are "stages": denial, anger, depression, etc., all of us grieve at different rates. Recognise that not only do you grieve the reality of the death, you also grieve the loss of the relationship you wanted/needed/hoped for. I think that's one reason holidays are so difficult: holidays are a time when we all have fantasies (about the ideal relationships with family, etc) and expectations. The realities of our situations sort of slap us in the face. (Remember, depression and anger are part of the grief process.) All that said, this is a place where you can find support and those who wald with you in your pain. (As a Christian that's what I believe about God, as well. Christmas is for me one of th ways that God demonstrates his unconditonal love for us and his willingness to walk with us. I try to remember that amid the hustle and bustle of the seaon. This year I've been thinking aobut the fact that Jesus was an adoptee too - since Joseph iadopted him as his son.) My thoughts ard prayers are with you.

Thank you for your words of comfort. It is great to know that i am not alone out there. I also know that I am fortunate in that i have met a kind brother. I am also,lucky in that I have had a good life to date (and it will continue god willing) Once i can get thru this very strange grieving process (strange in that society does not expect you to grief for a person you last met when you was 6 weeks old and also as quite rightly put grieving for what may have been but now will never be) I have raised with the help of a wonderful wife of 37 years three children and now have 5 grandchildren. As a person who was married at 19 (my wife was 17) I do know what determination and love can do. All i need now is to get thru this period and regain that determination that has been with me all my life. Again thanks to all and I will continue to visit this site as i know know it can be a source of inspiration and comfort MuzKerry

Happy new year to all. In the short time I have been using this site it has been a wonderful help. The twenty four years since the discovery of my adoption has now looked like a period of sef denial of who I am. As a result of this last month of confusion and grieving I can now say that I am so very proud to be the son of my late first mom Thanks to all

I understand being proud. It took me a while but I do believe I am as proud as I can be to be Dottyes child as well as my moms! Weird really. Hugs Wendy

Congratulations! As you get to know your brother (and find your sister), I hope you will continue to integrate your first family into your understanding of who you are.

thanks Kakuehl, you are a wonderful person. So are ripples and mn125 who have helped me thru this period. It is ongoing but the light is there. All others like nugget have also shown I was not alone like I thought I was

The trick is to remember that you're not alone when you are really feeling low! One thing about it... someone is here - most days 24 hours a day.

Jen wrote: "I was just wondering if anyone else that has lost a birthfamily member before meeting them feels like they don't really "fit-in" with the majority of other people on this forum?" Jen, that's just it, we are no longer searching and we are not in reunion, we are in limbo. However, we are still saddled with all the issues adoption has brought into our lives. That's why I started my group, Found and Lost Support, for those of us in limbo.

You are not alone; if one looks hard enough they will always be able to find someone who's walked in their shoes and no matter how bad your life is, if you look around you will always find someone who's situation is worse than yours. When I first found my lost son deceased I couldn't imagine anything worse...that is until I met a wonderful woman, the first mom to join my group (besides me), she lost her daughter to adoption for basically the same reason's I lost my son (being young and unmarried), she searched and found her daughter deceased by her own hand. She had committed suicide in her early twenties. When I heard that I realized that although my situation was bad, there is always someone who's story is worse. It's hard enough for me to live with the fact that my son died so young but his death was an accident. This woman is burdened with knowing her daughter killed herself. :(