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I really don't want to post this with my name attached to it... I know how strongly this board feels about open adoptions and contact (someone else posted earlier about this same thing) BUT my situation/question is a little different. My son will be 8 next month, and his adoption will also be final by then. He was put in the system when he was 4. He's been in 7 placements, and I had to fight with a social worker to adopt him. (Really the judge just had to find out I wanted to and then she made the SW make it happen because she'd been told no one would adopt him.) I had contact with his bio mom and she wanted me to adopt. She' never going to clean up her life, she realized that, and she wanted him with me since she knew I loved him. At that point I thought I would allow her contact and visits because she was clean. It didn't last. Anyway. My son always had contact with his bio mom up until December. When I say "had contact" I mean that it was allowed - not that he actually saw her. For example - from April 2005 until December 2005 when she was allowed weekly visits - she showed up TWO times. TWO times - out of 30something. The few months before that she did show up every week... BUT the 6-9 months before that she again was there only a couple times. She wouldn't show up and wouldn't call. He would sit in the place waiting for her only to have her not show up. We had an independent psych. eval done for the adoption and TPR in November and the guy said it was detrimental to my son - and that he shouldn't see her anymore. He noted all kinds of psychological mumbo jumbo about why it was negative for my son. And I sort of knew deep down it was true - I see how my son reacts and gets upset. At the final TPR she asked about contact, I told her at the least I would write and call her but if the psych. said it was bad for him I wouldn't do it - i had to do what was right for him. She told me she wanted what was best for him, and she didn't contest the TPR. I wrote her a letter with pictures last month. He hasn't mentioned her since December until last week. When he knew his adoption date was coming up he asked if he could have a "good bye visit" with her. So I called her. I left a message and she called back. I want to take her and him to Build a Bear and let them build each other bears. It's something he can always have and so can she. I said I"d pay for it. She sounds sober right now. Anyway... I don't think she'll do anything stupid. I'm just wondering about contact. I feel SOOO bad not letting her have contact and visits. BUT I realize I feel bad for HER not for him. He doesn't mention her, he hasn't had tantrums like he used to, we he does talk about her it's a lot more understanding. I have drilled it into his head that she loves him, she just couldn't take care of him and it wasn't his fault. Someone help me out... Do I allow more visits than just this one? I KNOW in my heart I shouldn't - I just feel so bad.... We'll be moving out of state next year so that will make this decision easier but until then... I'm soooo sorry this is sooo freaking long... I just needed to get my complete story out so your advice would make sense :)
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We were in a similar situation to yours. We decided w/ advice from professionals to not continue w/ the visits. They felt our sons needed to know that we were the parents and to strengthen the bond.I send pictures and school work to keep them up to date. I think at least they will know the boys are ok. But, since it is not mentally healthy for my son to see the BPs, I need to do what is in their best interest.Good Luck with whatever decision you make,Happy123
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Hi there, I think you'll find alot of good advice here...I don't know how good it is, but here is my .02 cents!! Just because it's not ok for her to have visits, does not mean you have no other choice than to cut her off. I'm sure that receiving a letter and possibly some pics from you on occasion would be very appreciated by her. Ask her if this is something she would want. You don't have to make a FINAL decision right now...just a "for now" one, until things change. If you think there is a time when it won't hurt your son, you can re-evaluate then. I hope you can figure something out that will ease your mind. Leigh
Sounds to me as though you have some doubt that cutting off all contact is the right thing to do. Take it one step at a time. And, heed the advice that not having visits does not mean that you cannot keep in touch - cards, pictures, maybe phone calls. Make certain that you trust the "expert" that is advising you too. I think that there are still alot of so-called experts who do not understand why continuing contact is beneficial for the child. Just because your child hasn't ask for visits or asked about his birth mom doesn't mean that he doesn't want contact or to talk about her. You have to do what is best for your son, not just his birth mom, but, I do wonder if at least some contact isn't best to continue. To have her not show up over and over though, I agree that's not good at all. That has to be really bad for your son and should not be allowed to continue. Is there a compromise that is possible though? Less visits? Maybe she just needs someone to get the point across to her that if she wants any contact, she must show up when she has the chance. Probably you have tried this? I wonder if you really trusted your expert, you would really be asking opinions here? Just a thought.
I would never stop all contact. Like I promised her I'll always send letters or call her. That isn't the issue. The issue is doing what's best for my son - and he can't cope with it the expert said. As for her knowing she needs to get her act together or show up and such - she's known for 4 years. She'll do okay for a month or two and then go back to her ways. I'm not even telling my son we set up a good bye visit because I have a feeling she'll not show up. I even said I'd pick her up. We'll see.
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No doubt about it - you are in a tough spot. It is sad that no one has been able to get through to her and make her see the harm her on again/off again appearances have on your son. Glad to know that you do not intend to cut off all contact. Just curious - is your expert adoption savy? Good luck! Sounds like you are trying to do the right thing.
I didn't call him an expert until someone here on the boards did. My son had a psych. eval by someone that the county uses regularly - BUT I checked into him and he's a decent guy. (You know how the county tends to use shabby resources when they can). So he's got experience with foster kids and adoptive kids. I just feel like I lied to my son's mom - because at one point I said I would allow her visits. And at that time I really wanted to. But having the psych. eval point out how harmful it is and then watching it first hand it's not best for him... I need to stop caring about HER so much - but it's hard since it's because of her that I have him. She's only a year older than me - we're both young. I still haven't told my son he's going to have a good bye visit. I'm too scared she won't show up. But he's the one that asked for a "good bye visit". He's also said other things about his family that weren't great - basically saying that they make bad choices and are going to die (he knows they smoke, but he doesn't know about all the other things they do) and he doesn't want to be like that. It's a good thing in a way BUT I also don't want him talking so poorly about them either... UGH... sorry... thanks though.
It is a tough situation to be in. I know first hand. We ended up having to make a very tough decision. We didn't (and still don't) want to end all contact, however, bmom made it more and more difficult and caused some serious stress for out little girl. When I tried to talk to her about the comments that she was making that caused fear in DD, she stopped but started baiting her children to say things that caused DD to fear that she would leave us one day. We had to make a decision to either keep our promise to a grown adult or do what was in the best interest of a then 3 year old. A real no-brainer. However, we truly feel bad that things didn't work out the way we had hoped and we still hope we can eventually do that. It's had to figure out how though.
I'm so sorry your little one has to go through all this. :( I agree with others that you can take it slow. Your childs well being is the MOST IMPORTANT thing right now. Maybe scaling things down to pictures and updates until bmom gets things together? Hope it works out for you, it's defiantely a tough place to be.
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sneezyone
I'd just also like to suggest that you leave room for the possibility that as your child gets older he may want to have contact with her, whatever state she's in. So maintaining some knowledge of her wherabouts and condition may be important.
Singlemom619
We had an independent psych. eval done for the adoption and TPR in November and the guy said it was detrimental to my son - and that he shouldn't see her anymore.
I want to echo what everyone else said, but from the perspective of an adoptee. Continuing contact (visitation) is not in your son's best interests. Your instincts are telling you this - heed them. When he is older, he can decide if he wants more contact. What is going to be important to him is if you TRIED to do your best. You clearly are, and he will know that.There are ways you can keep the door open without letting the rain in - keep sending her letters/photos using the UPS address (described in a moment) as your return address. Find your local UPS store and inquire about "forwarding PO Boxes." Basically, they give you a special address at the local store where you can have mail sent. Once a week or so, they bundle up any letters and ship them to you at your home address. This is something you can set up now in your current location - and it doesn't matter where you move, UPS will ship any letters to your new address without DISCLOSING it to anyone. When you want to write back, you drop off your letters at your (new town) local UPS store and they ship it out as if it came from your UPS address. No postmark to give away your new town.Get a prepaid cell phone with a phone number in your current location, keep minutes on it, and give her that number so she always has a way of contacting you by making a local call (even if you live across the country) if she manages to seriously clean up her act, but it doesn't provide a way for her to "trace" you or force herself into your day to day life. Trust in yourself - you're doing a wonderful job taking care of him. This isn't a situation where a parent is arbitrarily closing an adoption because it has become an annoyance - there are very real concerns here and you are doing a wonderful job of being an advocate for your child.
I am in a somewhat similar situation, except I was court-ordered visitation with the same type bmom. I raised my child from birth for over two years and then told by a judge to sign an open adoption "agreement" or turn him over - then there is definite coercion. Yes, I knew at the time what she was like - but I was not willing to hand my child into DHR b/c the birth mother was in juvy. Of course I signed. Who wouldn't?Further, I have kept to the letter of the law and she has repeatedly not shown, not called, etc. and yet we have to keep showing up regardless. I had to sign whatever she wanted or *lose my child.* Don't let this happen to you - please!Inherently the problem is she retained rights and has already filed to now get him back (he will be 4 next month). If I could go back I don't think I would have signed - but then again I couldn't have just handed my child over either.If nothing else let this be a lesson for others. This is what can happen, what does happen, and why so many people adopt from overseas. Will she get my child back? She can. I don't know. It is hard to live like this. I am scared every day there will be a knock on my door or a phone call or a letter in my mail box. She doesn't appear to care about him - has never asked how he is, shows up rarely to visitation, but does file motions against us for crazy things. While we have won every motion, she has retained the right to file to have him returned to her.Think about it - would you be afraid for your child? Would you be afraid every time the phone rang?The issue here goes far beyond her behavior. Don't sign anything - *don't obligate yourself legally in any way* - it is a daily nightmare. My son does not enjoy the visitations either. He shies away and acts very differently than usual during and after visitation. I have also had experts to testify that this was not in his best interest - but b/c of what I signed it did not matter. I'm so sorry you are in this situation - it is very difficult. I also used to feel a lot of pain for the bmom - but I don't now. Remember that if you retain a permanent and legal adoption without any obligation - it does not mean you can not allow visitation, or pictures, or whatever is best for your child - only that YOU get to make that decision, and that finalization means you do not have to worry about her getting drugged out and filing to get him back, or filing crazy motions against you. Weigh this one very heavily. I wish you luck and send you hugs.
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In many open adoptions the level of openess changes with many life changes for all sides of the triad. Right now it seems more important that your son spend time truly attaching to you as his forever parent. As an adoptive parent you can keep the window open by continuing to supply the BF with info in the form of letters and pictures until the time comes when your son is ready to have contact again. At times the BF may not be ready (sober, available) to continue contact, it is a hard process of building some kind of relationship between the three of you. Good luck to you and your son!