What exactly is Commando Parenting?

aspenhall-you actually sound very much like how we are raising Dennis. Almost eerily, except I didn't know the name for it. dh and I go round and round because I am a boundary person. Recent example with Dennis-No Batman cape outside of the house. Why? Because soon he'll be getting too old for it, he doesn't understand he can wear it in the yard and not in the car, at the mall, at school, etc. He does understand, however, no Batman cape outside of the house. I found out dh was letting him wear it in the yard while I was at work, thinking, "What's the big deal?" (in his defense, this is really the only time he's ever undermined what I said). Well, the next day, we went out to play. Dennis through this horrible tantrum because he wanted to wear his Batcape. He was screaming, calling names ("loser", not swear words, but to me, anything disrepectful might as well be a swear word), and this went on for awhile. It's been weeks since we've seen this from him. I just smiled sweetly and told dh, you deal with it. We had trouble with Dennis going outside for days. He actually wasn't allowed out one day because he kept asking for the Batcape, and when I tell him no, he's not allowed to ask again. Well, things are back to normal now, and I think dh really believes me. He sees a difference in how Dennis responds to me. I'm the lovey, silly, cuddler, but I'm also a woman of my word. If I tell him he has 5 seconds to get out of the bathtub or no story, and I get to 5, he gets no story. When I count, Dennis can't do what I want him to fast enough. dh is starting to pick up on this, and is saying less and less, "I mean it Dennis. This is your last chance. I'm serious now, Dennis." Now, a question. Dennis is a very well-behaved boy (with some exceptions, noted above), loving, nice to others, does well in school. We'd like to do the same type of parenting with Tommy. Here's the problem though. Tommy is 2, and his language skills are very low, including receptive language. He doesn't understand counting yet. He doesn't have cause and effect down yet (poor Dennis was already in boot camp at age 2). If he hits or throws, and you warn him or yell at him, he smiles and hugs you. Manipulative, yes. However, he truly doesn't understand if you tell him that there will be a consequence for his actions. Until his language skills improve, any idea how I can discipline him? I'm afraid he's getting away with too much.

Just be careful if your child has not fully attached to you yet. And I don't mean a child with RAD, I mean a child who hasn't been home long enough to attach or a child with attachment issues, even mild. This type of parenting does not promote attachment. In fact, it goes again attachment parenting in many ways. You have to be careful in confusing compliance with attachment. It is not the same thing. A child who is not fully attached need choices, consequences, and the chances to make mistakes. This type of parenting does not give these options. So, yes, you will see better behavior, but what is the root reason for the better behavior? In this type of parenting, it isn't because the child has learned to trust the parents and that is what attachment is all about. I'm not saying don't do it, just be cautious. I would never parent in this way with my RAD daughter.

Maybe the most useful approach to commando parenting (and this goes back to threads I posted earlier this week) is via Nancy Thomas' book. At least in there, she provides guidelines that address compliance by addressing attachment issues. Others may or may not agree with me on that, and candidly, I really don't know. It's just a thought I had off the top of my head. What I have found is there are about 100 different ways to parent your child to facilitate attachment, and 17,000 opinions for each of those 100 different ways. Some things work well for some and not for others. Obviously if there were a silver bullet for parenting, we wouldn't all be here commiserating. We are just reading and rereading various approaches. The Nancy Thomas approach appears to be but one way (though some swear by it) yet the Beyond Consequences approach appears to be somewhat different (and others swear by it too). Mike

What I found is it was the basic building blocks of trust.....she could see that I told the truth and vcould count on me to follow thru.......then she started trusting me on other stuff. I couldn't focus on attachment with her, until she understood the basic parent/child relationship. Please also understand that Commando Parenting only applied to her control/manipulative behaviors and basic set in stone RULES. When she "helped remodel" by removing my bathroom wallpaper on one wall (room was not being remodeled!)....I recognized it as typical 5 yr old thinking and there was no commando response.....but the standing rule of no playing in the dog water dish has a DEFINATE commando response! I wonder if "Tommy" has some form of Fetal Alcohol Effect. They have a hard time recognizing that actions have consequences...good and bad.... It's a lack of cause/effect thinking. Research on those forum boards and see if that may be a possibility. ALSO he may just need more practice and more examples and modeling of the behaviors from you if he came from an institutional background. Get him some toys that promote cause/effect thinking (don't know of any specifics). Commando Parenting is just a word for what worked for me in my situation with my dd's background. It may not be right for everyone. I certainly have less experience parenting (not quite 1 1/2 yrs) than almost EVERYONE else on these forums LOL! The key is in not being manipulated and making sure that the child's actions only affect them and not you. BUT more importantly you need to treat each acting out/consequence situation as a learning experience afterwards......figure out why, help the child identify the triggers, discuss what could they could have done instead...give them more tools to better deal next time and remind them of the tools and things discussed the prior time....explain why the consequence was just and reasonable and restate that this is your job: to help them learn how to make good choices. For some the book "Parenting with Love and logic" will help, rather than my extremes that I had to do. All in all, each child is totally different, so read and research ALL the suggestions then try the ones that you feel best fits your child and situation.

I tried the commando technique, at least my understanding of it, and it did make a difference today. I yelled only twice, I was very aware of myself and my own behavior today, and made sure the kids understood exactly what I was asking them to do. I also made sure I said thank you and please because I want to model the behavior that I expect from them. The worst part came when my DH came home and was going to take them with him to do the grocery shopping. Never a problem - always a treat - we take them everywhere with us (both as a couple and alone). My two eldest threw a fit about having to straighten up the playroom and I told them if they didn't do it, then they couldn't go with daddy. My youngest came running to help and finished his little job and then chose his clothes to get ready. My two eldest refused so they lost their privilege of going. I explained to DH what I was doing and why and he backed me up 100%. So, the two eldest didn't get to go on shopping trip.They were angry and crying but I sat down with them and explained in simple terms what had happened and why. Then I had them explain it to me in their own words to be sure they understood. They are both very vocal and were able to tell me why they didn't get to go. They still weren't happy but they came to me a few minutes later and said they were sorry they didn't listen to me. We hugged and went about the rest of our day. I don't know if it was the minimal yelling (I'm going for a goal of zero yelling) or what but today was much better. They've been with us nearly 3 years and are fully attached. I think this stage is more of them expressing their autonomy and testing their boundaries with me than anything else. They are awesome, intelligent, loving children and man, they are smart as whips. Proudmommyof2, have you tried using alternative communciation with your son? We started teaching our boys sign language using the signing time video series and it made a world of difference. Our youngest uses a combo of words and signing to talk with us. His verbal skills are growing lightning fast but until he is fully able to express himself, he uses the signing to make up the difference. He turned 2 at the beginning of the year.

Aspenhall and treoto5- Thanks for your responses. Aspenhall-our dr. does think Tommy has FAE, some degree of brain damage, or a combination of the two. His delays are related to some kind of as-yet-to-be-diagnosed neurological problem. He is receiving services out the wazoo and support from us. You were right on. treoto5-we actually have worked with him on signing. He can tell you the sign for hungry, thirsty, sleepy, etc., but never inititates. He still doesn't understand the difference between shaking his head no and nodding yes. If he wants something, he'll either fuss until we name the proper word, and then he'll sign it, or he'll just shake, nod, and try every sign that he knows. He's got absolutely no expressive lang. at this time, and his receptive lang. is at about a 12 mo. level. Soooo-how do you think I should handle him hitting or biting? We could warn Dennis, then follow up with the punishment, whatever it was, when he was 2. I'm afraid that because of our focus on Tommy's delays and getting him caught up, we're letting him get away with too much. He truly doesn't understand why he is removed from a situation, or has a toy taken from him, or is forced to sit on Dennis' rug (his little place to cool down). He just smiles if you correct him and tries to hug you (I realize that's manipulative), and if he's punished, he cries, has no idea why, and goes back to what he was doing. Should I just keep removing him and worry about teaching him what's wrong later? My instincts say no, because eventually he will understand, and we'll have let him go too long. Any advice is welcome!!!:)

What advice have you gotten from the FAE boards? A child whose brain is wired different requires a totally different approach. I think, teach him the sign for wrong/bad and see if you can re-inforce his behavior with that as well. I don't have a child with FAS/FAE, I have one who is nearly smarter than me....thats why commando works here....she has to UNLEARN how the relationship works and LEARN for the first time that boundaries of ANY KIND exist. (zero structure in her first home) So I had to make sure I was black and white in showing her the boundaries...there cannot be any gray areas.

How does one begin to go Commando? I think I need to frankly. We are having rules and structure issues here. Where do I start? Thanks for any advise :-

Quickly reading through this thread now, but is there a difference between this 'commando parenting' (cute phrase, by the way)......and....isn't it Nancy Thomas who talks about 'Basic German Shepard'????? And, if so, isn't Basic German Shepard where the child may be in time out, but is directed to sit RIGHT NEXT to the mom, has to follow EVERYWHERE with the mom, etc? I'm just curious, and certainly not saying that either is wrong. I'm just wondering if they are basically the same thing? :) Sincerely, Linny

Commando Parenting is turning behavior boundaries into electric fences...basically. I haven't read Nancy Thomas, but what you describe sounds like a Time-In. Commando Parenting is my own little "thing". It started because I was getting taken advantage of and manioulated left and right and I was watching her do the same to everyone else. Any attempt at correction, or redirection was met with beligerance and retaliation. I was in a WAR with my child....a 4 yr old child....and the 4 yr old was WINNING. She had effectivelt figured out all of my and my DH's "buttons" and was using them to her full advantage. I simply had had enough. So I resolved to "out-stubborn" her. (since my own mother lost the parenting battle due to a lack of staying power) I started to watch her like a hawk. to the exclusion of all else. There was ZERO leeway or tolerance and each infraction and retaliation would only make me come down harder on her...and the consequences would escalate. She viewed my patience as a weakness, so I decided not to have patience. My husband (the most kind understanding and patient guy ever) was appalled at how I was handling things and tried to "shock" me by telling me I was acting like a "commando mom". It was as if a light went off in my head and I wrapped myself in the term and used it's definitions to determine my reactions in every circumstance. Basically you cannot ignore ANY disrespect in ANY form. The rules are black and white and NOT up for discussion. Whining and trying to weasel around the rules are not okay and have consequences. For example She asks to watch a movie. I say no (for whatever reason, always a fair one). If she whines and pouts I warn her with a STERN face and voice that "that is not okay" and if she continues (even for a few seconds longer) she will be grounded from movies and TV for tomorrow as well. Then I follow thru with my threats....ALL OF THEM. I never go back on my word. The point is to stick to your guns. Never use empty threats, and make the line BLACK AND WHITE when it comes to boundaries so that there is no confusion. Start by simply following thru. You will feel like a warden in a lock down facility. But it needs to start there. Then make sure that EVERY SINGLE INFRACTION has a consequence and beyond all else, show ZERO anger. Be very matter of fact....

I fully understand this type of parenting. We have had a RAD son for four years...who eventually went into residential and has remained there for almost seven years (he'll be aging out into another facility). We also had another son for seven years who had attachment issues and is still working on those..... But, I know what you mean.....it's totally exhausting, and I hope that you have more success than we did. I know you'll have a better chance, as your daughter is only four. Our one son was much older when he came and time had basically run out.... :( Best of luck to you.... Sincerely, Linny

An update, dd is FULLY and SECURELY attached. I haven't witnessed and abnormally manipulative behaviors for a few months now. I had a talk with her about "control" and used a "driving a car" scenario. It clicked and she gave up control 100% to us the very next day. Then I noticed her perfectionism was making her depressed, so we had a talk about that too. And AGAIN the very next day she had done a 180 and was completely and totally happy/giggly/regular kid stuff kind of child. In fact, she is better behaved now than I ever could have dreamed possible. The pressure to do it right is off, and so she hardly fights me about anything anymore. And she takes pride in her work and accomplishments. She turned 5 last January. Yesterday we got out of the car to meet DH for lunch and as she got out, she said...."I have the BEST life EVER with you!" Not that she doesn't get grumpy, but I never need a time out anymore to help her get control. I just tell her to get rid of the attitude or *I* will (not a pleasant prospect). And finally, thru all the battles, KEEP ASKING THEM TO GIVE YOU CONTROL.....illustrate in words why they can trust you. Remind them of your job and their job in a family. When they start to be controlling, remind them that they are doing it again and bring up the past talks. They aren't animals, you can make a difference with WORDS and REASONING when you add it to the behavior modification ACTIONS. Use all three to your advantage. Be frank and honest and OPEN about your goals as a family. (not necessarily with a RAD child).

I don't think Nancy Thomas' approach is "commando parenting" per se as she argues for much more than setting and sticking with boundaries. Her approach has worked for us for the most part in getting control over behaviors though we still have a very long road of healing ahead of us. The important point is that when you set boundaries and they get broken that you not react angrily but with pizazz. You will need to read NT's book to fully understand it... I'd highly recommend the book.

I don't think of it as a "technique" persay, but for those of us who are patient and kind and understanding, it identifies a different mindset to have when parenting... Commando Mom hee hee Just the image makes me smile.... BTW, I didn't ever stop doing this, I just have no need for consequences as much, as she does stuff when I ask and without whining (much) now.

Very very interesting thread.I can relate to a lot of what you say aspenhall-we handle our dd very firmly and have used quite a lot of Nancy Thomas's techniques. I'm sure I seem incredibly strict with dd-lots of structure and routine and I expect immediate obedience and good respectful attitude.Everything is about choices and consequences-in the first couple of years the most choice I gave her was do you want to play with X or Y. I will not shout at her-often this has been out of grim determination on my part as I know she is itching to make me lose it. Dd is very good at using her emotions to manipulate and in the past would switch from anger to fear to inability to understand, to blame shifting to lying in order to escape a consequence.My gut feeling has been that sometimes tears are rolling down her cheeks but it is just not genuine.When I have called her bluff I have been proved right. Hubby is probably a bit softer on her or will show anger in a natural way(not over the top anger though).However we have been through some very testing times-sometimes prolonged.The fact that I refuse to let her control me seems to have made her more attached to me and more trusting and she is now becoming more real and less fake.I have worried about being too firm but it seems to be something dd flourishes on. I do talk to her about her feelings of being adopted-this is quite easy for me as I am adopted too.However if I feel she is wanting to talk about her past to avoid a consequence for a bad choice I will not get sucked into the conversation, but will talk with her at a later date. Although adoption does cause a lot of pain for adoptees it does not mean that adoptees can avoid thier own personal responsibility. Dd is getting much better in her cause and effect thinking-I just wish we had been more aware of this sort of parenting so that we could have done it sooner.