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Okay so I have some questions. I was listening to a lady I know (she has three biological boys) and she said, "I would like to adopt a baby, I mean, I can have one on my own but there are so many children out there that need good homes, but I would only be able to adopt a CC newborn..." Anyway, she went on and I basically summed up what she said but it really got me thinking about something and the different views I am sure there are...and I am curious what answers/opinions there are out there... Do you think that people who are capable of having a child biologically should be able to adopt? If so, should it be specified to international/special needs/biracial-AA/foster/older child adoptions (or hard to place situations) or should they be able to be open to any adoption plan? Do you think this has an effect on the adoptive parents that are not able to have a child biologically (i.e. raises the cost of adoption, wait time, etc) or does it even matter? Should infertility even be a concern to an angency when "approving couples"? Personally, I have never thought about it before and don't really have an opinion one or another currently....but it sure got me thinking!! :) ((P.S I hope this doesn't offend anyone, I just wrote some of the few different arguments i have found.... Oh and I apologize if this has been discussed before, if so just send me the thread and I'll look there!! :) )
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mommamarci
I know that personally, I do not feel like people should be able to "order" a child. My dh and I are open to any race, sex, and most health problems. (Anything that would be the fault of bmom- drugs, alcohol, etc. we are not open to.) I feel like we are just so lucky that a person is going to entrust us with their bio child to raise that we should not be picky. Beggars can't be choosers, as my mother always used to say.
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mommamarci
I know that personally, I do not feel like people should be able to "order" a child. My dh and I are open to any race, sex, and most health problems. (Anything that would be the fault of bmom- drugs, alcohol, etc. we are not open to.) I feel like we are just so lucky that a person is going to entrust us with their bio child to raise that we should not be picky. Beggars can't be choosers, as my mother always used to say.
Thanks for the compliments! We love her so much and we get so warm and fuzzy when she smiles. Now that smile has four teeth that popped in the last few weeks. I don't feel I took a baby away from anyone. We got Drihan within 2 weeks of signing with the placement agency and we were chosen by the agency not the b-mom as she wanted them to chose. And the fact that within 2 weeks we were presented with 4 situations and we were top on the list tells you how small the wait list for AA babies was/is. People always tell us that she is lucky to have us and we tell them no, we are the lucky ones. She has made our family complete and is a totally spoiled princess by all of us, the way it should be :D
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If a couple has bio children already & wants to adopt, for whatever reasons they have, should they really ONLY be able to adopt an older child or special needs child? How would that affect the family? The children already in the homw if that is ALL that they can adopt? KWIM?? I think that's terrible. If that was the case, it would destroy the dreams of many. It may possibly SEVERELY limit the number of prospective parents. I personally, would NOT have adopted if those restrictions were put on me. Why should I be punished for having a bio child? That's how I would take it- as a punishment. Like I mentioned early, it is all in the Birth parents decision what type of family she/they want for their child. We were told by our facillitator that just by having a bio child, could lower our chances. Thankfully, our daughter's bmom didn't care. In fact, she and her older children LIKED the fact we had a son. They wanted to give him a chance to become a "big brother." I don't know, I just think I would feel pretty low if I was told because I have bio children I couldn't adopt a newborn again. Yep, I would take that pretty hard. Personally, I would have been open to an older baby (up to a year). But our facillitator only dealt with newborn open adoption. I have LOVED every single minute of being with my daughter from the "beginning."
Runyan2002
Do you think that people who are capable of having a child biologically should be able to adopt? If so, should it be specified to international/special needs/biracial-AA/foster/older child adoptions (or hard to place situations) or should they be able to be open to any adoption plan? Do you think this has an effect on the adoptive parents that are not able to have a child biologically (i.e. raises the cost of adoption, wait time, etc) or does it even matter? Should infertility even be a concern to an angency when "approving couples"?
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Tracey, Elijah learned how to walk 2 weeks ago. Today just for fun, he walked all the way across the living room and hit Paul on the head with the remote control. Laughed like a little psycho when he was done! Boy I had a hard time not laughing! Elijah is the youngest of 6, so he knows all about self defense! Here are a couple pics.....Let her think about it!
I agree that the "mix" of cultures may not be best for each family. I am Native American (on the rolls), so I *shouldn't* have a hard time getting a placement, be it from CC or NA. I am not open to AA or biracial at this time because members of my family are older. PLEASE do not get me wrong...none of us are racist...HOWEVER, the N word DOES come up sometimes in casual personal speak (with the older members of my family), and I wouldn't want to subject my child to the racial slurr when even though it wasn't MEANT to be racist (that is just what AA folk were referred to back in my older family member's day). They never "threw" the N word at an AA, but in speaking among each other it was like "you see that N over there, he's a preacher and doing good"...stuff like that...it was never said in hostility, at least not in my family during my time of growing up. But, how many times have we CC's had to try to laugh off being called "Honkies" or "White Trash" by AA's? I'm sorry, sometimes the "double standard" of "I can call you this, but you CAN'T call me that", just irks me. You know what I mean? ANYWAY, off that soap box, my grandmother does slip. She's 89 for pete sake, the N word does slip out. Not often, but it DOES happen. But, that is one of the reasons we chose not to accept AA or bi-racial at this time. That may change...God this is morbid...once some of the older one's "aren't here" anymore, but right now, even though the N word would NOT be said in "jest", it still wouldn't be good to subject my child to.
Kristi, Sorry, but if they are using the N word in that context, then they ARE racist. I respect your view that you feel like adding a child of color (AA/biracial) to your family would be detrimental to the child but I guess I also question how this is also seen as normal and no one confronts the behavior. Kindly reminding grandma often that AAs are no longer called N's but black or African American, would go much farther to educate than ignoring it. I have 4 bio sons and we decided to adopt for #5 (a girl) but I guess I don't fell like we "took" a child away from another home. There were times when moms would comment to the SWs that we had children already and they chose couples without children. But dd's firstmother chose us BECAUSE we had the boys. She said she always wanted older brothers. She knew that dd would be the princess. It just feels as though if someone feels like the waiting pool would become shortened once you take couples out of the mix that can conceive, then it seems as though there's an insecurity issue. Why would couples that can conceive be seen as a threat anyway? Infertile couples never threatened us. I always knew that eventually someone would see our family as the jewel it was (not overly special, just different) and place with us.
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My gramma was the sweetest lady on the planet. Once when she was 90 she made the remark that " When my hair is wet, it puffs up into little "N curls." Now, keep in mind that my gramma loved everyone,she never met a stranger and had no hate in her entire body,she was just VERY uneducated in that respect. I gently told her " Gramma, that word is very offensive and hateful, please don't use it." To her credit, she apologized. This was long before Elijah was born. I had never heard her use that word before and I never heard her use it again. Regardless, it is not an acceptable term for ANYONE to use and they need to be called on it. By the same token, I don't like ANY slurs against any religon, race or sexual orientation. They are unacceptable from anyone. Some terms I hear on TV depicting white people are also offensive. All racial/religious/sexual slurs are stemmed in ignorance and/or hate and shouldn't be tolerated. period.
Oh no...we've definitely crossed the line here. I am NOT going to get mean...but even though I did NOT need to explain further, I guess I will being you just called my GRANDMOTHER racist. She is 89, a stroke victim, with congestive heart failure and is a recent amputee. Some days, she's SHARP in the head, some days, she's NOT so sharp...depending upon how well the oxygen is working that day. She KNOWS that it's not right to call AA's that...and as soon as it slips, she realizes it and excuses herself. BUT, I'm not going to adopt a child that could be subject to that accidental slip that could realize what that word USED to mean. I say USED to because you hear AA's calling themselves that ALL THE TIME. So, if they think it's so bad, they need to quit calling themselves that!!! But anyway...there's the whole story. NO she's not racist like I said before. I do not mean to be defensive...but that just felt like a personal blow to someone I've cherished for all of my 32 years (enough to where I am her ONLY caregiver, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week). If I took your post in a way NOT intended (like I said, to me it just felt like a personal blow), then it's all good...but I did feel I needed to explain further, just in case.
kllee4
Kristi, Sorry, but if they are using the N word in that context, then they ARE racist. I respect your view that you feel like adding a child of color (AA/biracial) to your family would be detrimental to the child but I guess I also question how this is also seen as normal and no one confronts the behavior. Kindly reminding grandma often that AAs are no longer called N's but black or African American, would go much farther to educate than ignoring it. I have 4 bio sons and we decided to adopt for #5 (a girl) but I guess I don't fell like we "took" a child away from another home. There were times when moms would comment to the SWs that we had children already and they chose couples without children. But dd's firstmother chose us BECAUSE we had the boys. She said she always wanted older brothers. She knew that dd would be the princess. It just feels as though if someone feels like the waiting pool would become shortened once you take couples out of the mix that can conceive, then it seems as though there's an insecurity issue. Why would couples that can conceive be seen as a threat anyway? Infertile couples never threatened us. I always knew that eventually someone would see our family as the jewel it was (not overly special, just different) and place with us.