Not always the same situation

Originally Posted By a loving mommom2jt,It comforts me to share the great side of the adoptive parents. Your sons are obviously very lucky. I just blasted that Ruby amom cause moms like her make me ill. She is one of the reasons why Bmoms are afraid to place their children for adoption, whether it be opened, closed or semi. Just because bmoms relinquish their babies, it doesn't mean they don't love them and they should just forget about them. God bless you and your family.So you know, I am a birthmom and an adoptive mom. So I speak from lots of experience.

Originally Posted By angiei would never consider ruby for the adoptive parent to my child. i am going to be a birthmom in september and i would never consider her at all.

Originally Posted By angiei forgot to mention i know alot of people who are adopted and their adoptive parents were selfish and now my friends who are adopted wont have anything to do with the adoptive parents now. my boyfriend is adopted and he says he wont have anything to do with his adoptive parents anymore because they didnt want an open adoption and now he feels like a walking time bomb ready to go off because he doesnt know where or who he came from because of his selfish adoptive parents. he actually said selfish.

Originally Posted By For AngieYou go girl! I am a hopeful adoptive mother, and I can't understand how ANYONE can feel the way Ruby said she did if they have educated themselves at all about the adoption process. Sure, I felt like her before I did some reading and had contact with a few birthmoms who had already placed their babies. It is natural to feel scared and insecure about any new situation. But after doing a lot of thinking about it, if everyone involved loves the baby, why shouldn't that child have that person in their life? Does Ruby think that love shrinks when it has to be shared with another? What happens when she has a second child, will she love the first one less? How silly!! The more people, the more love there is to go around. I have this fantasy that my husband and I will be chosen by a birth mother who lives close and I can sorta 'adopt' her and her family too, and we can all be one big happy family. No secrets, no stress, (other than what you have in ANY family), and I will love the birthmom not just for the unbelievable gift she has given me, but for herself as a person. Angie, I pray that you will find a family just like that for you and your baby. Everyone deserves to be loved, God said so! Twyla

Originally Posted By To Ruby from TwylaNo, the birthmother didn't make the decision not to be a mother, she gave life, therefore SHE IS A MOTHER. What she did was make a decision out of love not to parent that child. Your insecurities and inability to deal with those insecurities has cost your children access to a great deal of love and sense of wholeness as a person. And don't tell me that they don't need it, we could ALL use a little more love, and EVERYONE desires to know where they came from at some time or another! The birth parents have answers you will NEVER be able to provide. Just like you are able to provide the shelter and parenting they weren't able to provide. They gave life, you nurture and mold it. Wake up, woman! It's a joint venture and no amount of denial is going to change that! If you're so scared that the birthmom will 'waltz' in and claim them, you aren't confident enough in yourself, shame on you, for making the children bear the consequences of your fears. Do some reading, attend some support groups, educate yourself! Last, but certainly not least, pray about your feelings and ask God to take away your fears for the sake of your children. Don't continue to be self-centered, be Christ-centered and everyone will benefit.

Originally Posted By angiei dont think any birthmom will pick ruby. some birthmoms choose adoption because they are raped or want a good career before they parent. as for myself i am choosing adoption not because i am not ready to parent but because i want a better career and i want to own my own home before i parent. people who dont want birthmoms around are just selfish and only want them for their babies and then kick birthmoms to the curb. birthmoms are not dumb they will be able to see right thru this ruby woman. if she is a woman at all.

Originally Posted By a loving momThanks for the support ladies. I know this Ruby lady won't ever "see the light" cause self-centered, closed mind people are only in life for "what they can get out of it", and obviously she got some poor bmom's children who hopefully, the bmom will come along and show what being "unselfish" is all about. Till then,pray for her, her children and their adoptive mother.

Originally Posted By It would be nice but...It would be nice if you could find the situation you are looking for but in the real world that does not happen very often! I have bio children and adopted children so I know what I'm saying. There are some adoptions the way you'd like and I hope you find one. Our situationd did not work out that way because the bparents didn't want it.

Originally Posted By a house first? and you're faulting someone elseSome of you are not being quite fair here. What about my childs bmom that didn't want any contact when we did? She wanted it over! That's what she got because that's what she chose. She knows where we are but we can't find her. It works both ways. Our daughter had surgery and her bmom doesn't know because I couldn't find her. The bgrandma has cut contact with her also and told me to do the same. For the bmom who wants a house first and that's why she choose adoption and then jumps on Ruby...what is that about! If you wanted a house first and then a child you should have used birth control. A house instead of your child and you're jumping on someone else!

Originally Posted By angiepeople like ruby dont let the birthmoms make the choice thats what gets me mad. not every birthmom gives up a child because she wants a house first. i was raped and had no choice on getting pregnant. some birthmoms do use birth control and it fails.

Originally Posted By to "a house first..."Oh yeah, classic "you should have used birth control, birthmoms are such sluts for having sex" line. That makes me sick. Personally, I have heard the line enough to think that adoptive parents who use it are simply jealous that they couldn't get pregnant that easily. Not that it's ANY of your business, but I WAS using birth control. A lot of women who use birth control still get pregnant. And no, I am not some idiot who was using it inconsistently or incorrectly.... it's just not always effective, and any doctor will tell you that.As for the woman saying she wants to have a house before raising a child.... did it ever occur to you that maybe she feels that way because EVERYWHERE she turns for advice people are telling her about these nice couples who desparately want children and have all the resources she doesn't? Hmmm... I have looked at hundreds of adoptive parent websites, and almost all of them have pictures of their beautiful homes. We are constantly told that "good" parents are financially prepared, they have homes and great jobs and make far more money than we do. I don't blame her a bit for feeling like she "had" to be wealthier or a home owner to be a good parent. I think she was misinformed, but I can see how that could happen.Now, as for your situation, I am sorry that you wanted more contact but the birthmom didn't. Perhaps she will change her mind someday. I will acknowledge that openness should be a two-way street with BOTH sides remaining in contact for the benefit of the child. It is possible that she may have decided that involvement hurts too much. I know birthmoms who have felt that way -- it was too hard being around to hear the child call someone else "mommy." For the child's sake, I hope that the birthmom does change her mind and keep in touch. If you have done everything in your power to stay in touch and to find her when you lost touch, then you can honestly say to your child that you tried everything you could to hold up your end of the bargain. That's honorable and a good example to set for the child. I do honestly hope it works out for you.Just DON'T make rude comments about our sex lives or how we got pregnant, because it's none of your darn business.Oh, and for the record, I personally got sick and tired of hearing adoptive parents complain about what a chore open adoption is and how birthmoms who whine about their loss should have thought about that before having sex. I'd rather be poor and raise my baby to know that there are more important things than money than have to grovel to an adoptive couple who thinks I'm a whore.

Originally Posted By ANGIEWHEN IT COMES TO ADOPTION PEOPLE NEED TO FIND A MATCH THATS RIGHT FOR THEM. NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO TELL SOMEONE WHAT THEY HAVE TO HAVE IN THE ADOPTION. I KNOW WHAT I WANT AND NO ONE CAN SAY I CANT HAVE WHAT I WANT.

Originally Posted By I appoligize to you!You took what I said wrong! I'm not calling you names or faulting you for having sex. I am also not infertile. I have 3 bio children. My daughter's bmom has never used birth control and always has unprotected sex. She was told another pregnancy could be fatal because of a serious heart defect but she refused a tubal because she hates needles. My daughter is a happy well adjusted little one and yes I dread the day she finds her bmom. I will help her search because she deserves the truth. The bmom gave us 2 possible bfathers. They both gave up rights but denied her. I told her it was our daughters right to know who he is; I believe she knows and was protecting him. We think we know who he is and it's not pretty! I appoligize if you took me wrong!

Originally Posted By ginaPlease read Primal Wound. You really dont get it! A child is not a belonging. Your talking about the sacrifice you have made. You talk about the good deed you have done. Someday you will have to let these children go. It will then be their choice. It isnt really about the childrens feelings or well being. All of your thoughts come from your own feelings. The day will come when they will search. You will not always have this control. The birthmother will always have a place in this child. Listen to some of these adoptive children now grown.

Originally Posted By j.my boyfriend is adopted and he doesnt know where or whome he came from because of his selfish adoptive parents and he says he feels like a walking time bomb cause of them doing this