need help please

I am so sad and angry that this happened to you. :mad: Could you send a private message to me with the agency name? Unfortunately, this behavior of the adoptive parents is more common than adoption agencies and facilitators would lead potential birth parents to believe. When my daughter was considering adoption for her child, we smelled a future mess in open adoption agreements and bailed fast. Even if open adoption agreements are legal in your state, you will probably need to make a big, big stink in the press to get your agreement honored. Open adoption agreements are not worth the paper that they are written on if the intent of the adoptive parents is to blow you off after the adoption is finalized. Hopefully, you can find a reporter who is interested in exposing open adoption frauds and gain a sympatheric ear in the press. I wish you all of the best for the sake of their children. Happy G'Ma

OMG! This hits a nerve for me. When my daughter was considering adoption for her son, we found that MOST of the potential adoptive parents were using "bait and switch" to get the attention of potential birth parents. They would glowingly describe their desire for an "open" adoption for the sake of the child. BUT when we discussed exactly what an open adoption meant to them, they almost all replied "a few pictures and a letter once a year". I believe that they were being coached by their agencies. When we insisted on contact, they tried to convince us that we were WAAAYYY outside "the norm" of "open" adoption. Their profiles went immediately to our shredder. Although open adoption is highly touted by agencies and adtopion facilitators, many are closed after finalization - some by adoptive families and some by birth familes. It is a lot of hard work on both sides and not every agency helps familes understand that. Again - if I were you, I would scream, yell - first to the agency by threatening to expose their fraud. If that does not work, expose their fraud in the press. UGH!! Bless you and your children. I wish you the best. Happy G'Ma

well now nobody will talk to us and wont even return a phone call.i dont know what to do anymore its hard to even goto work with all this on my mind its like im in a cloud

Tommy, Can you pm me with the agency? Sometimes I can help mediate. Depending on the state you may have some legal recourse. Stories like yours break my heart.

I think that evryone has different ideas of what open adoption means,,,unless of course it is written exactly how many visits pictures per year of course,,,,, our bmother wrote our contact agreement which we agreed to and held up our end, only for her to change her mind and want way more visits phonecalls etc, and when we asked that we stick to the original agreement,( 3 visits per year and photos every 4 months we were told we were not fulfilling our agreement) obviously we all have different ideas of open and if you think about it photos and letters is open as such as years ago there was nothing,,, so just because your idea of open doesnt match theirs that doesnt make them liars or terrible people and as for adoptions becoming closed after,,, i admit there are some dishonest people out there but we have worked hard and due to abusive messages from our bmother we have had to limit contact for our DD sake and ours ( the last thing we wanted to do ) OPEN ADOPTION IS NOT SHARED PARENTING.. i think everyone in an open adoption should live up to their end of the agreement,,, aparents and bmothers

I am Tommys wife and if the family we are dealing with was more like you we would be so grateful. The last pics we got were last year about 5 of them for 2 kids on our sons birthday and our kids were only in 3 of them and they were far away. We still aren't getting any response from our agency called them and they said they'd call back its Monday now and I called Friday. they are still avoiding questions we have. No one will talk to us unless we intimidate the adoptive family by contacting them so we get lectured about it because the agency won't do their job.

I would pm Brenda Romanchik above on the boards, as she is very experienced in dealing with agencies and mediating. I would caution you though on calling the press. While I understand the points given, it might also put the children in the spotlight and limelight which I don't think anyone wants. They are innocent and shouldn't be put in the middle of this. It's between you and the parents. Jmo..

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have one open adoption one that is supposed to be open, but is closed by birthmom's choice. I would love to see both birthmom's a lot more frequent...well, I've never met one of them (by her choice). I don't like hearing about adoptive families not living up to their end of the bargain. It is sad, and gives open adoption a bad name. I would also caution going to the media for the sake of your children. I hope you find your answers soon!

I agree with Crick. My advice was bad. I am sorry! I wish I could delete my post but that is not an option now. :grr: I was not considering all the other parties involved and just spit out my feelings based on the hurt and pain that I feel Tommy and his wife were in. I should have taken a few moments and really thought about it from EVERYONE'S point of view. :o I agree completely with Crick, contacting the media would put the focus on the children and that is not fair to them. :( I do stand corrected. I'm sorry for suggesting what I did. :grr: I do agree to reach out to Brenda Romanchik. I know she will do whatever she can to help you. She has lots of experience in these sort of things. If anyone can help you, she can. :flower:

Amom2Two, don't be so hard on yourself. You were being sympathetic and that is not a bad thing. We all give bad advice at times.Unfortunately, there are several stations that would make the children the focus. I know that there are reporters out there who will honestly just report what they find, but then there are others that will grab that and turn those kids into a charade. I do hope that you can contact the person they have recommended and find some answers, tommy.

I am so sorry for birthparents who are going through this... It makes me sick to my stomach to see people use others to get what they want and then forget everything about the moral contract they made... It's just so sad for the birthparents and the children :( That agency doesn't seem ethical at all not to try to talk the adoptive parents into at least sending you pictures and letters... if it's what they signed, they should do it... Maybe you could report them for malpractice? It's just so wrong on so many levels to present a family as wanting to do open adoption when they are not. I don't have much advice, just wanted to send big hugs your way... Nobody should have to go through this :(

Thank you for understanding bajj and for reaching out to make me feel better. :grouphug:

Amom - 50 lashes with a wet noodle...you may now proceed...;) Kidding!!! It is a good idea if controlled...just not confident that it would be, that's all.:)

Thanks Crick. I feel better after taking my lashing. :D oh...did you say a wet noodle. Darn, I got my children to use a dry one. Anyone have any makeup I can borrow now? :rolleyes:

I couldn't agree with Proudmum more! Our birthmother never respected the terms we discussed or that were reflected in our adoption agreement and we have given her more contact and photos than we ever discussed. But if you do take the time to discuss things and document them the adoptive parents should live up to their obligations and the birthparents should respectthe limits set forth in the agreement. If additional contact develops as the relationship develops and that makes all parties happy that's great particularly for baby since that's really what open adoption is supposed to be about. But when everyone agrees up front as to the level of communication that everyone will have and then when the birthparents push for more it feels intrusive and like they don't respect the agreement that you reached. I am sure there are some adoptive parents out there who agree to open adoption just to get a baby but for others of us our intent is genuine but we need to feel that our lives and the agreement we reached is being respected. Personally i would be happy communicating with our birthmother frequently through email because that form of communication doesn't feel intrusive into our lives, but when that leads to requests for visits and other forms of communication all the time then it almost discourages you from doing anyhting beyond what you originally agreed to. I think birthparents have been pretty tough on adoptive parents in these forums and perhaps that is a product of seeing some adoptive parents who didn't appear to be genuine in their commitment to their open adoption arrangements, but i hope everyone understands that the relationship requires work and respect from all parties. We always try to put ourselves in our birthmother's shoes, which is really hard because we imagine that the grief must be overwhelming, but i think birthparents need to do the same. Tommy - I hope you are able to get updates on your children. Sending photos and updates is not difficult. I actually have fun putting those together and it's a great way to ensure that you have plenty of photos of the children. Mediation sounds like a great idea if you can make that happen. Were the letters supposed to go through the agency? I would think they could do that if for some reason they are feeling threatened. Have you tried writing a letter expalining that you are happy that they are able to give the children lives that you couldn't at the time and that it helps you and your wife to get pictures and updates seeing how the children are thriving under their care? I wish you the best!