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Hello everyone....I'm new to these boards...but I'm hoping to find some support here. Ok here goes.....my story is long and complicated...but I NEED to get it out...I can't do this alone anymore....I have PCOS or so they think....my doc told me it would be difficult for me to get pregnant...that didn't stop me from being extremely careful about birth control....the pill....but for whatever reason I still got pregnant...found out last November...well stupidly I listened to my little sister's idea of abortion..it totally and completely ruined me....I fell apart....I could not live with myself and became borderline suicidal.....the only solace I could find was by getting myself involved again with church....I prayed deeply and things were starting to turn around for me...the days weren't so dark and the nights weren't so long...it was truly a horrible horrible experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone....I knew a long time that my relationship was over between my boyfriend and I....I for whatever reason have not been strong enough to leave him......in february I moved in with my brother for awhile to try and sort things out...and mainly to give myself some space from my boyfriend....I made it clear to him that I did not want a sexual relationship anymore....he was accepting of this, although it was difficult for him..he was accepting of it...and the time at my brothers was starting to help me get back on track...in April I went to Europe for a few weeks and when I got home discovered I had to move out of my brothers place...he was getting married and his fiance had basically had enough...even though I never saw them...I work 2nd shift they work days...I bought groceries for ALL of us...I paid utilities....I contributed as much as my brother would allow me to...but nonetheless she wanted her space....at this point I had no other option but to return to my apartment....with my boyfriend....I had taken control of my life and in no way was I going to let him pressure me into having sex with him again....no way. It was something I believed in and felt good about for sticking to my guns....Our lease would be up the end of August.....and my true intentions were to move out, move to Duluth to live with my other brother and his wife and go back to school and get another degree...I told him about this plan...he was OK with it....I think he was FINALLY beginning to accept that things just couldn't work between us.....we're just not compatable at all anymore....he slept on the couch...me in the bedroom...one night I was reading in bed...and he came in the bedroom and asked if he could talk to me...stupidly I said sure...he crawled into bed...crying that I can't lose you...don't leave me...blah blah blah...I had heard so many empty promises from him over the years....and he never came through on anything...Well the next thing I know he's forcing himself inside of me....I was in shock for a few seconds and then sprang into action...i smacked him HARD in the face and pushed him off of me......he knew I was upset by this violation as I was crying hysterically....and that's how I came to be pregnant again.....he wants to try and work things out....I don't....I have strong feelings against him for his behavior.....he doesn't think it's a big deal.......I have always wanted to have kids, and know there is NO POSSIBLE way I can live through another abortion...but I am terrified by all of this.....I've thought about adoption...he's strongly against it....and I don't know if I can lose another baby.....I'm just so shocked and confused about everything right now...I'm angry how all of this happened...I don't know how I'm going to tell my family...they don't like my boyfriend to begin with...I don't know if I should tell them the truth about how things happened....I don't know if I should leave him...but if I do I don't know how I'll raise a child by myself...I have NO ONE to talk to IRL...as most of my friends abandoned me years ago....you guessed it because of my boyfriend...the thought of having a child with him is like a prison sentence...I feel like I'm going to be a terrible mom because I'm not overjoyed by this news...this is supposed to be a happy time....not one of sheer terror.....my family is Catholic and do not support a child out of wedlock.....my sister...the only one who knows about my abortion...will just tell me to have another...which I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT DO....I'm almost 29 for crying out loud...I should be able to handle this....any advice or support is welcome...thanks for reading...sorry this got sooooo long....I tend to ramble when I'm upset...
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[font=Arial]Hello Mollykate,[/font] [font=Arial]I can see you are scared and feeling alone in your situation right now and I'm glad you've reached out for support. One thing it appears you have decided is you are going to carry your baby, so first things first...you need to take care of yourself emotionally and physically right now...obtaining prenatal care, seeking sources of emotional support and other resources. Please... do not feel you have to make any decision about adoption vs. parenting right now... while in crisis is not the time to make such a permanent life-altering decision... this should never be rushed or decided out of fear, expecially before you've had a chance to fully explore resources available for parenting and sought unbiased counseling. Are there any people in your life who would be emotionally supportive of you right now of your pregnacy? If not have you looked into community resources for pregancy help and counseling? (again you have to watch out it's unbiased counseling). Meanwhile please feel free to share your thoughts and fears here as it helps to mull things over with others who have experiences and information to share with you as well... you're in good company here.[/font][font=Arial]Hugs to you,[/font][font=Arial]Merrill[/font]
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I read your post and sent you a pm. My heart goes out to you and your situation. Please take your time and be sure whatever decision you make it is one you can live with. You do not need to follow someone else's advice, you need to do what you feel is right. It sounds like the traumatic experience from abortion is defintely not something you want at all. Try and find someone you can talk to or someone who would just listen. Sometimes things happen for a reason. Getting on this adoption forum will help you maybe answer some of your questions. You will get through this if God brings you to it...He will bring you through it!! Keep strong and praying helps....May God Bless you and your decision.
Mollykate,((((hugs))))It sounds that you have already decided that you are going to carry your child. Take your time, take care of yourself and THINK things through - you have time to make your decision. I wish you all the strength & support you need to make a decision that leaves you filled with peace in your heart! You can talk with people and listen to others expieriences ... but you are the one that has to make this decision! I wish you and your baby well! prayers & hugs!
If I were you, I would tell your family. It will be tough, but you never know, they actually might be very helpful. But remember, your parents PROBABLY will yell and scream at you (which is typical of ANY parent(s)). But after ALL the yelling and screaming, your parents might be a lot more understanding than you think. And more than likely your parents will tell you to stop seeing that guy (which is VERY obvious that you already agree with that). And by the way, I congratulate you on being against abortions. I am a roman catholic, and our church is FIRMLY against abortions. We believe that that is without a doubt, murder. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being against that. If you need someone to talk to further, please don't hesitate to email me anytime. My email address is: adoptababy4u@yahoo.com .You'll ALWAYS have a friend in me.
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You should take this time to think things through and look at all of your resources, then take a look at your options, if you can find the resources you need then you will be able to parent confidently if that is where your heart leads you if you are unable to parent the baby then you need to slowly through the pregnancy look at your options but remember this is your time during the pregnancy to make up your mind so that you are confident that placing is what your heart can handle. If that is what you were to decide on you might want to look into open adoption so that you know that your baby is happy and healthy and being cared for, and you can have some sort of relationship with the family. Anyway, you need to take care of yourself and figure out what will work best for you and the baby. You never know your family may realize that things happen, not always the way you plan or even the way we think they should, and they might actually support you and your choice no matter what choice you make. Best wishes
You'd be surprised at what you can do. You seem to be a pretty strong woman, but someone may have broken your confidence down. My cousin's husband died suddenly in January. She was left with a 2 year old and a 2 month old. She cried to me over and over that she couldn't do this (raise her girls) on her own. I had to constantly tell her, "You're already doing it." She's doing a great job too! I guess what I'm saying is that you need to listen to your heart. As an infertile woman, I can say that it is truly painful. If your PCOS worsens, you may eventually become infertile. I guess the question you have to ask yourself is, "Do I want to be a mother?" I hope you find the peace and clarity you're searching for. Joanne
I just wanted to offer my support to you. Slow down and take some time for yourself first. Once you can clear your head - you will be able to get through the thought process. I would encourage you to read as much on here and other places that you can. There are many posts from birthmoms, adoptive moms, and adoptees. You may find some you relate to and some you gain insight from reading. Best of luck to you -
Don't let anyone force you into any decision, mollykate. You're very early on in this pregnancy. You have quite a lot of time to research ALL of your options COMPLETELY. Take the time to breathe, start to form some immediate plans and begin researching your long term options. Ask questions when and where you need to. And take every advantage offered to you.
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Hello:
First things first is you have been through something really tramatic! Please don't make any decisions until you get some help. Wether it is through a Pregnancy crisis hotline, or through a church leader. Don't go through this alone. I think once you have time to work through your feelings and process all that has happened you will be better equiped to make a decision!
Thinking of you.... always here...
Dear Mollykate, No one so far has touched on the fact you were in essence raped - forced against your desire and will. I think you need to deal with this as well. I agree with the others who have recommended counseling. Most areas have a women's help center who can help you work through the various issues and may even be able to help you get out of the situation. (Are you still sharing an apartment with the boyfriend?) You probably also need still to do some grief work over the abortion. Despite your sister's insistence, it's as much against what you were taught as a Catholic (if not more so) as having a child out of wedlock. As others have said, you do have some time to make a plan and decide what you want to do. The only urgency would be if you choose abortion, but your post seems to indicate that you won't take that path this time. I know the desire to be excited and happy about your pregancy; the circumstances are unfortunate for you. This obviously would not be your timing, but you can choose to see this child as a gift from God. My mother (who was always very concerned about appearances and was not comfortable with the idea of a grandchild born out of wedlock) warned me that there were no guarantees that I would ever have another child. Luckily, for me that was not the case, but it is always a reality that you need to consider. As the others have said, we are here as a support and a resource for you. We will not all agree and we can't make your decision for you but we are here to listen. Blessings,Kathy
[FONT=Verdana]Mollykate,[/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Verdana] I'm glad you're seeking advice, which everyone has already said - But it's true. Adoption was, for me, an easy choice, once I knew what I wanted out of life. When people hear about my 'story' they always comment "Oh - That must have been so hard for you". Contrary to that thought, it wasn't. It was hard letting go, but the choice for her (my daughter) to be adopted wasnt I knew what was right for me; I knew that this was the right decision for me. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]I didn't at first though. I talked to some of my friends that were at some point pregnant and confused, none went with adoption, but I still benefited from their point of views. (I was 18 when I got pregnant and 19 when I had her) I enrolled in a new church, with fresh faces that would accept me for me (as apposed to my parentҒs church). I met some great people who really loved and helped me. I got a kitten, to cuddle with. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]Talk to some people who have been faced with the same decision that you have on your plate now. As for the birth father, give him the benefit of the doubt. Ask him to come with you to a counseling meeting. He might open his eyes to the idea or adoption (if that is what you want) [/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]Take a minute and breathe, this isnt the end of the world - It is very overwhelming and not to be taken lightly either. Do what is right for you, your baby. If that means putting up with dad and keeping the child, there are many, many places of resource, including here - If that means adoption, there are plenty of people here and at numerous agencies to help you [/FONT][FONT=Wingdings][FONT=Wingdings]J[/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Verdana] God Bless You.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana][/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]Sherri[/FONT]
I don't know if you have already gotten the help you need. I hope so. I am an adoptive mom, BUT...I have a great respect for first mothers.
As a foster/adoptive mom, I get a lot of support (financial, medical, emotional, theraputic) raising my kiddo. I only hope and pray that all moms get the same opportunities.
In Los Angeles we have an LA Free Clinic, in my early years of artistic proverity I used them exclusively for medical services and they were amazingly kind and supportive. They have a lot of programs intended on helping moms make the choice to parent. There are programs that will give you medical support, housing support, job help etc.
I hope the area you are in offers a municiple medical support system, or your church offers unbiased support so that you are able to feel free to make any choice you feel is best for you and your baby. I have read that a lot of first mom's feel they had no choice, but to not parent their children and if this is what you want in your heart, as an adoptive mom, you will give an amazing gift to a family. BUT if you want to parent, I hope you know that you have that choice too...that there is a way to be able to parent your child. If you chose.
I am also a single mother. Often times single mothers ban together and raise their kids. I am so sorry this happened. I think this man raped you and I hope you don't feel bound to him just because you are chosing to carry a child.
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This is a very difficult situation, you're very strong for having dealt with it so well.First and foremost, you were raped by this particular male. While most people would look at that and say "well, there's a person unfit to be around children," in my state (I'm not sure about other states or countries), they're very for the fathers rights. If he contests your decision to adopt, it would basically make it impossible for you to place your child with an adoptive family. That is, of course, if that's the decision you make. There are a lot of steps that you need to make to ensure that everything from here on out that happens with this child happens in the best interest of the child, and I think the best thing you can do is talk with a counselor... a counselor can do so much more than we can on these boards.I think I speak for everyone when I wish you the absolute best. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
i am 13 and i am going to have a baby i also don't know how to tell my family but one thing is sure in my mind maybe you should think about it...... you are 29 you have your life aready my has just start but hear this in what ever you do you dont need a man to make you happy you can make it on your own with GOD's help keep the baby and try to do was best for the baby i'll get it if you don want to listen to me is okay hey im just a kid but i know that i am going to kep my baby even if i get kicked out of my house