do the pictures ever bother you?

It's not only jealousy, it is really about loss. You lost being raised by your birthmom, being loved and nurtured by her through the years. You lost the person you would have become had she raised you. Grieve these losses. They are not likely to just pass.

When this thread started I have began talking to my self about looking again at the photos of M. growing up in another family. I have had it for two years. I am pleased to report that it is easier now. After all I wanted her to be happy and cared for and she was. Facing the hard evidence of reality is different than just knowing it happened but worth it. My advice is give yourselves time.

I agree with this, I am in reunion with birthson for 9months and am grieving a son with lots of problems (OCD, drugs, alcohol). He sent me photos of him growing up and I just couldn't face my emotions, they were overpowering. I have had to put them away for the minute, and as he has put us all through a bad patch lately, I have had to put his current photos of our reunion away for 5 weeks or more. I don't feel like getting them out at the minute. There was a time when our reunion photo was on my pc and that came off and was put on, taken off, it depends on the emotions and boy, they can be deep at times and cut like a knife. I hope one day that they can stay there on the wall - but its the photos of him as a little boy that really hit HARD! I MISSED ALL OF THAT and I am grieving for the little boy I lost and the man that is having a real hard time with life. So, I can say from my heart, that I have to take the pictures away (they're at the back of the wardrobe out of sight) until I can cope with this throbbing pain which then goes numb and until our reunion relationship is more on track. My son has told me that he hated being raised without me, and that stabbed me to the heart! so all those pictures of him looking lost as a boy, as if to say "where are you mum?" - yeh, it hurts, so photos have to be where the pain threshold in your heart is at the time, for me, anyway.

Hi Jannyroo, I'm glad you resurrected this thread. As you my reunion (so far) has been very different from yours... mostly because I didn't find him until after he got his life together! He hasn't share a much about growing up in his family, but between what he has told me and what his adad has shared with me, the fact that he was adopted did have an effect on him and his teen years were pretty rough. I love having pictures of him around. He has promised me a copy of one that he has on his wall of himself as an infant with his parents. It was important for me that he have 2 parents who loved him and for me that picture is a reassurance that he had that: parents who were prould of him.

I usually don't post much i'm more of a silent reader (lol) but this thread really hit home with me. After reading the posts of birthmothers looking at pictures i think i may have done something awful. When i met f2f with my bmom last year it seemed like she was hoping i had baby pictures, but i didn't i only had pictures of my husband children and me. So over the year i have been asking my amom for some baby pictures and she never could produce any for me? i have no idea why? SO i asked my dear aunt and she sent me a bunch. Just the other day i sent a few to my bmom of me around the time of my placement till i was 5. and now i am thinking that maybe i should of not sent them.

Izabelle, I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I would (was) delighted to get pictures from D's childhood. It helps me be part of his life growing up (In my own mind that is). I find them reassuring! D has promised to send me a copy of one of him as an infant being held by his aparents. I'm still waiting.

izabelle, of course you cannot know how your bmother will react to the pictures. as a bmom, even when i am not in a place where i can look at a picture, it is so reassuring to know that i have it and CAN look at it when i AM ready. she doesnt have to look at them right away, but knows that she has the option, and for that i am sure she is grateful.

I agree with the other posters. My DD's a-mom sent pics of her after the first year, and for a long time they were hard to look at, but I was so glad I had them for the moments when I could. They are the one thing that no matter where I went or I moved to, I made sure that was ALWAYS with me. I have gotten more pics now that she is older, adnwe have discussed making scrapbooks to fill in the gaps I'm sure your b-mom cherished your pics in your own way, even if it hurts for her to see them all the time!!

The Agency had sent me pictures of DD from the time she left the hospital, up until Placement Day (when she was 6 weeks old). These were the only pictures I had for 18 years. I framed one and set it on my nightstand. It has been there every since. In a way that picture has given me strength. When I have felt beat down I would look at her picture and remind myself...I have to fight to get to where I need to be the day she finds me. That picture has helped me tremendously. The other pictures I carried in my purse for about two years. They were all I had and I needed them close to me. I eventually put them in a safe place. The last few months we have been finding DD's pictures on the internet. When I look at them I am very proud of her, but then I will become sad and find it hard to understand why she doesn't want to have contact. For the most part, her pictures still give me the strength I need to handle any problems that come my way.

Roni, give her time. Remember it may just be no contact right now, not no contact ever. I assume she can find you when she is ready. I hope it will be soon!

Thanks Kathy!! I do have to remind myself that no means not right now. When I look at her current pictures I am in awe at how beautiful she is :D

Thanks to all of you for your replys. You definately made me feel better. I'm not so freaked out!! I think i tend to "overthink" things. I think one of the hardest parts of this for me is that even though i have known who my Bmom is for over a year we haven't "got to know one another" yet.

We are all prone to over think (I think). Remember you have a lifetime to get to know your bmom.

Please don't confuse pain and mourning with the need to have the photos of childhood. Despite my reaction, I am delighted to have my sons photos of his childhood, I just have to grieve for the years lost. The bittersweet thing of reunion is that we bmom's have to come to terms with the loss, but it doesn't mean we don't want the photos or don't welcome them. I was just so unprepared for the reaction I had to his photos, like OUCH! but this week I am driving long distance and also locally to show people my photos of my little boy - I call him my boy, even though he is a 28 year old adult! But then thats the same as my mum, she always thought of me as her little girl. So don't get hung up on it, despite the tears, we just love the photos!

When I held my grandson (D's youngest) in the NICU as an infant, I found myself overwhelmed by a wave of grief. It took me back to the ONLY time I held D as an infant. I still loved (and love) holding my grandson (My daughter says I'm getting my baby fix). As I said earlier, I'm still waiting for the picture of D as an infant with his aparents.