Adoptees who feel unworthy or unwanted?

I also am a reunited adoptee who right now is having issues with my aparents. As long as you can allow your daughter a safe place to explore her feelings without judgement and without jealousy--I believe that you will find her to be totally responsive and love you more for it. When the day comes that she says she wants to meet her bmom and maybe have a relationship--as hard as it might be, understand that it is her right to do so and she has a need for it that is nothing personal to you. Continue to tell her that she was very much loved and wanted, but the circumstances did not allow for her mother to keep her. She will need to be reassured of that.

This makes me wonder if when they adopted your child they were told be a Dr. or life experiences led them to believe they could not have any natural children. My husband and I are pretty sure we will never have any children on our own but nothing is ever 100%. I am sorry your reunion did not go well. And I am even happier that you do not refer disparaging towards your childs aparents.

I was adopted when I was almost 4 years old. I have NEVER EVER felt unworthy or unwanted. In fact, I look at this just the opposite way - the family that adopted me chose me and wanted me to be part of their lives.

The unwanted feeling for me was simply this... My mother did not keep me...Nothing else. It is abandonment plain and simple and I think it comes down to how the adoptee processes it...I always believed that when your own b-mother can walk away, anyone can. Each of us is different and it has so much to do with the sum of our total parts. Our story, our a-families and our outlook and attitude, the one we were born with. I have a good a-family... It is not a reflection of that... I am at times a dark person and I completely look at things in reality...Not the fluffy happy "nice" stories most people grab on too. Pure reality... We each are very different...Not every adoptee will feel abandoned and not every adoptee will feel accepted. That is life...

Lastly, I want to give you THIS amom's perspective. To all adoptees, your life IS valuable & meaningful. You mean the WORLD TO US! Our lives were brought together for a purpose. We were meant to be a family. You ARE loved. You ARE wanted. You ARE worthy of EVERYTHING wonderful and beautiful in this world!!!!!!! God bless,Julie[/QUOTE] Thank you for these kind and reassuring words. Sometimes it feels like there is such an emptiness in searching and the potential for rejection exists everywhere. Your words are very comforting.

Julie- Your post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for the encouraging kind words. I think everyone is right- just being supportive and honest and prepared for any response your child might have and expecting none- that seems like the most realistic answer. I was adopted by a wonderful loving family who had a 5 year old son of their own when I was placed with them as an infant. While my adoption was never a secret- I do feel like I was expected to forget about my other family and be grateful and glad for the one I was given. And I am- so very grateful- my amom is the person I love most on this earth- one of the most important relationships I will ever have- and she would never be on this website- or read a book about adoption- to her, Love conquers all, and that's it. I am so happy to see you here, I think you and your family will all benefit from your journey through the stories and possible emotional outcomes of adoption. I wish you the best, and I think you sound like a loving mother who will give her children all she has to offer- what more could any of us ask for? ;)

Hi from Jody, adoptee reunited with 3 birth sisters. I grew up in a very loving adoptive family. My adoptive mom and I are soul mates for we are very similar personalities and share a Christian faith we embrace. Even though that is true, when I was in my 30's an inner angst grew to know my beginnings. Adoptees in closed adoptions have so many missing pieces to their beginnings, birth history, medical history. I have written some devotions to encourage, inspire adoptees navigating the roller coaster of adoption- the joys and challenges. Adoptees Cafe: Devotions for Adopted Persons [url]http://www.adopteescafe.blogspot.com[/url] Blessings in your ongoing adoption journey! Please share this blog with other adoptees you know - family, friends and groups/persons touched by adoption online. Thanks, Blessings, Jody Moreen, adoptee ;) Editor, Adoption Blessings Journal [url]www.adoptionblessingsjournal.com[/url]

<smile> Seems like we're all pretty concerned about each of the other sides of the triangle - square if you include foster families, and I did have one for a year. That's the good news - we all care. abcg1977 wrote: I agree. I think that when we're told we were adopted and what that means, some of us are hurt. Nothing can change that unless time can be turned back and we're kept. For me, that's not a reflection on my a-parent's upbringing, or my foster home care, it's not even a reflection or judgement on my b-mom. I know her story and believe me, I cried for her when I learned what had happened and how I came to be. It was bad. I admire her strength and maturity. Some things in life aren't anyone's fault. They just are. Julie wrote: I can't think of anything outside of loving them and letting them know they're wanted. After that it's out of your hands. Give yourself permission to let go of it so it doesn't affect you as a person or a parent. It's their journey and maybe this is one of their lessons - to discover their self-worth in their own way. Warmly, heartbeat

Heartbeat, thankyou for your post! Sometimes it's difficult to place into words our innermost thoughts, for fear of coming across unkind...Perhaps you have offered a voice for me and others, thankyou!Hugs'Rose

DITTO!! :)

[FONT=Georgia]to discover their self-worth in their own way[/FONT] thank you heartbeat... I really think that is it

Thank you guys very much. :wings: I worry about talking too much or offending. I'm glad to know this post was just right. Warmly, heartbeat

I have felt hurt. I have a "natural" sibling that was conceived shortly after my adoption. No one in this triad is responsible for that feeling. It just is. We (adoptees) are all unique and have different feelings. However, I want to tell you this - My aparents (in your words) are not that. They are my parents (no qualification) and always will be. I am not discrediting the choice my birth mother made and will always want to have a connection with her and respect her decision. You love your child (and she is your daughter). Simply continue on that path and if birth parents come along, do not hide it from her. She will not think or feel less for you, unless you do keep that person(s) from her.

I am an adoptee who was picked up by my parents at the hospital at 6 days old. I have an older brother who is their "biological" son. I personally have never felt unloved. In fact, my entire family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) probably went a little overboard to insure that I never felt unloved or unwanted. I am now almost 33 and still I hear from both parents (they are divorced) almost daily...most days it's more than that. They almost smother me sometimes. They told me that I was adopted when I was very young and I don't remember not knowing (in fact, I ran around telling everyone because I thought it was cool). They continually told me that they "picked me out" and that being adopted made me special. I even still have a gold necklace charm that is a heart with the word special in it. I don't remember them really ever bringing it up unless I asked a question, which they readily answered. I never felt like they treated me any differently than they did my brother. I was just theirs. Plain and simple. I went through a small period in my adult life when I had a fear of abandonment. I'm not sure why, because no one in my life has ever left me, in fact I have tons of friends and family and I am very lucky. I don't remember them EVER telling me that they wished they hadn't gotten me, even when in my teen years I was telling them I hated them :). I honestly don't think it ever entered their mind or mine. Maybe other adoptees parents made them feel like they owed them something for adopting them, or said things in anger sometimes? I don't know. I don't think adoptees are the only people who feel unloved though. I think many children raised by their biological parents probably feel the same way. Maybe I was just lucky. Sometimes I feel too loved! If that is possible. ;)

I have been placed with the most wonderful family now since I was an infant. They have loved me like no other and have gave me everything I have wanted in life and I love them so much. However,recently I have looked up my birth mother online and seen she has a new family and for som reason that has made me angry? I am now currently the age my birth mother was when she gave birth to me and I have placed myself in the position and I would make it work. Does anybody have any advice on how f get over this anger and also on how to deal with the pain on feelin unwanted in every aspect of life? I find myself settling for second best just because I know I'm not worth it if the woman that was destined to love me would give me up?