disruption ?

Hi arkansas parent, I can certainly understand your fears. We also went through years of infertility, three failed pregnancies, adopted a child at birth and, as is often the case, were unaware of which/what/when drugs were taken prenatally. Further, my son is now four and the adoption is STILL being contested. We have been on an emotional roller-coaster-nightmare for years. My son does exhibit some symptoms of possible drug and alcohol abuse by the bmother during pregnancy - but we work very hard with him and he is a special, precious, sweet child. These are chances you take when you adopt - rather, try to adopt - an infant. There are many sad stories on the forum I am usually on ("Failed and Contested Adoptions" under "Before Adoption"). I came to the disupted adoption board because where do you fit when you have a final adoption but a motion for reversal? You may want to take into consideration a placement agency that specializes in "low-risk" adoptions - those where a TPR has already been done. Also, many times there is simply no way to know of possible drug or alcohol abuse by the pbmother. I agree with Linny that you need to know what you are getting into and gain as much information as possible. Having counseled RAD children, and now teaching on the subject, attachment issues are most readily created between the ages of 0 and 3. That is not to say that older children can not develop attachment disorders, only that most, and the most serious attachment disorders, develop from birth to three years of age. While children who were exposed prenatally to drugs or alcohol can have special issues - and some which will not show for a while (up to 6 or 7 years old) - they can be worked with in a loving and stable environment for minimum impact. Children with attachment disorders are VERY different. A toddler can most certainly have an attachment disorder. That being said, I know the pain of infertility and the deep pain of wanting a child. I also know what it feels like to have that child constantly threatened to be taken away. You have to decide what is right for you and your family - and I'm glad you are looking into all possibilities. While many infant adoptions go smoothly, you always take a chance that the adoption will fail, or you could spend every penny you can make, borrow, and beg to keep your child. In the end, everything runs a risk. If I could go back and do it over again I would definitely adopt an infant (again) but under different circumstances. Of course, everything in life contains a risk and you have to decide for yourself what is right for you and your family. I am praying for you that you will be able to adopt the child that is meant to be yours, and that the process is a gentle one. Blessings,Christie

Arkansas parent,If you want to get some more info on older child and special needs adoption, I would recommend coming over to the Special Needs Adoption board. On a disruption board you wil only hear the bad side. There are positive and successful stories as well. Also, the people on that board can help you with what to look for in an older child placement. Yes, there are always risks, but nothing in parenting is a guarantee. I just suggest looking at all sides before making your decision.Blessings,Jenny

I have raised 4 birthchildren, adopted 4 children, the oldest was almost 2 when adopted. We also have done foster care for older children and infants and had two older girls that came to us at ages 8 and 11 but we had to let them go back (to foster care) because although we felt we were well experienced and had done our homework, things came out that neither the agency, previous foster parents or we were aware of. EVERYONE told me not to do it -- that they could harm our younger children. In all the meetings with these girls, I was convinced (my husband not so convinced as I was) that it was wrong to assume that NO OLDER CHILD could be successfully adopted into a family with other children. In this case, I was wrong. As vigilant as I was, things did happen that were serious enough to the well-being of our younger children that we had to say no. I still hurt and ache for them and pray for them every day. I would never tell anyone NOT to adopt an older child. I'm just relating our experience to you. Two of our adopted children were drug-exposed, one quite heavily. They are both beautiful, bright, well-behaved children. Again, NOTHING is certain. I did a lot of research on drug exposure before we decided to adopt these children but just knew in our hearts they belonged with us. Yes, they will likely have learning issues as they continue in school. They are 8 and 9 at this time. But the teachers, their peers, everyone loves them. So, again, just my experiences that I'm sharing with you. Do a lot of soul-searching because an adoption is truly forever -- if not in your home, certainly in your heart. Unfortunately, sometimes we cannot undo what has been done to these children before they came to us. It is very sad to me, but also very true. Josie

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]There are simply no guarantees in any adoption...we have done 2 international infant adoptions. DD was 10 months old and lived in horrific conditions in a hospital in Russia. She came home over 4 years ago and we have never had an issue regarding her attachment and bonding. I fully expected to but never did. She was an easy baby and is now a sweet, smart and loving 5 year old... [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]DS was just 8 months old...from a great situation (even though it was an orphanage...it was more like a daycare situation...just 24/7) in Russia...we did everything right, there were zero red flags, had his info reviewed, blah, blah blah. Here we are 2.5 years later still trying to heal the damage of his first 8 months of life. His birthfamily tried to parent but simply couldn't since he was child #4 and their 3rd baby in 3 years...he went to the great orphanage and then us...no abuse, no neglect...[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]There are many things you can do to lower your risk...but it always a leap of faith. Good luck. [/FONT]

joskids Where all of the children you adopted from foster care? We have been doing a lot of research on drug exposed children. We have decided that is something we will accept. We have also lowered the age of child we would like to adopt to 6yrs or younger.

My husband and I were told by our agency that we had to be open to up to age 3. We are adopting internationally (from Liberia) I thought that attachment disorder might be a "possibility" in a child up to age 3, but now I am thinking it is "likely" rather than "possible" I think I will tell them if we can't get a child under 12 months old, we will pass.

Update: Our son was placed with us(Nov16 06) when he was almost 4yr. His adoption will be finial in a couple weeks. He is VERY attached to us (therapist agrees). I think it is important to make sure the child is a good fit with your family, age is not as important. Our son is just like us. Some people think we adopted him from birth since he has the same likes/dislikes we do. Maybe we just got lucky or maybe we will have problems in the future. I don't know ,but I do know adopting T is the best thing we have ever done.

Congratulations to you and your family!!!!!! I'm glad things are working well, and I hope everything continues to go well for all of you!!! :) Sincerely, Linny

I'm so glad I found this board. We're in the process of finishing up our foster-to-adopt license. We're infertilie, have been trying to have a bio child for ten years now. Multiple surgeries, double digit IVF's, many m/c's and finally last fall lost of a late 2nd trimester pregnancy (terminated due to very severe birth defects). We've got a failed domestic (BM decided to parent) and failed international behind us (DH is military, we just couldn't afford it, and make the travel requirements work as it turned out) So....we've started the foster to adopt thing. But I'm really troubled by several things. Our RAD training consisted of a 2 hour class with a somewhat uniterested teacher. We looked over some handouts and did some somewhat silly exercises (pretending to be barnyard animals). We were made to read some feel-good poetry aloud... Anyway - I feel like the agency wasnt very interested in discussing the possibility that well, sometime things don't work out and not all children can be healed with "love". The thing that is really scaring me right now is how long these probelms seem to take to present (?) For so many years, all I've thought about is being a mom but frankly, alot of what I'm reading makes me wonder if child-free living might be ok for us too. Just wondering what # of adoptions actually fail or disrupt ? And what % of people who adopt regret their adoption later?

We have had three older child adoptions, and five infant adoptions. Two of the infant adoptions are now grown, doing well, and are swell adults. All three of the older child adoptions failed in some way. (The remaining three infant adoptions are still in infancy or pre-schoolers now. All three doing well.) I know that in the past, stats showed that the older the child when placed, the higher the rate of disruption. Disruption or dissolution (which is the term I think more aptly describes what happens) is something that few (if any) agencies want to discuss. And, as far as I'm concerned, and from what I've read and experienced, you are correct to assume the system wants little to do with any situations that don't work out. In fact, I'll go so far as to say, they don't even want to talk about it, for fear people will re-consider adopting older children. There ARE successful older child adoptions....BUT, adopting older children requires a totally different mind-set, I believe. It also requires a different type of parenting in many situations, and the determination some couples just don't have. Those that do, have a determination and preserverence that's beyond commitment, believe me. We tried for years to help the three we had (two separate adoptions)...and regardless of the therapies and such, there were things that could NOT be changed---because the kids had to want to change first. This was not the case. Further, when we needed help---the system was no where in sight....much more, they were prepared to take us to court, to scorn us for 'not sticking with it' (after more than four and seven years for the children)......and they were quite willing to allow our other children to be in total harm's way!!!! The main thing to remember is that education is the key...period. Also, knowing that YOU have all the choice in whether to accept a particular child or not. Don't be pushed into accepting a kid you feel will not fit. There are other considerations as well, but the two above are probably paramount in deciding whether to adopt an older child---and which child to accept. Good luck in your decision. Sincerely, Linny

Thanks Linny, I think the main thing that is troubling me is that I feel like they are saving the "good"/young children for those with bio's already. Whenever we discussed "profiles" (children that met our critera) if someone with bio's said they need 0-2 because of birth order - the agency reps would nod encouragingly. But when one of us infertilies would say we were looking for very young - we'd be told that we'd be waiting a long, long time and that "maybe we should consider adopting an older child, there are so many waiting"....I totally understadn preserving birthorder but felt it was totally unfair that those of us who can't or dont already have kids were being steered towards older children.... I guess my other question is - the agency seemed to indicate that there are/were very few dissolutions with their agency or with adoptions int he US in general.....But I've been wondering alot lately about how many people would choose disrupt if they weren't afraid of the wrath of friends/family/society/county/etc...Or if they had known more information - wouldnt' have adopted at all. (?)

While I stated that I know----somewhere, there are good and successful older child adoptions, I also know of a LOT of people who'd disrupt----today----IF they knew they wouldn't be charged with abandonment or neglect (a tactic the system LOVES to use to force good families to stay intact with dangerous kids within the family). I've also read/heard several families (including ours) who feel that if they'd realized they'd have no support when things went badly, they'd not have adopted older children at all! Again, the bottom line is realizing what you're up against; and knowing what your limitations are as well. And, to know that you need to approach older child adoption with eyes-wide-open, to say the least. Sincerely, Linny

Wow, princess, I NEVER thought of it that way before. And y'know, you're kinda right.... :( BUT you do need to realize that the agencies don't JUST call me (for instance) with children younger than Nathan (27 mos). We get calls for kids from birth to about 15yo. We turned down a 9yo girl a couple weeks ago.... mainly because our 8yo said that HE would call placement back and have them place HIM somewhere else if we took her! lol ;) But I have seen a lot of homes lately (with bio children already) getting placements of newborns (3 come to mind just in the past few weeks), while there are FTA homes with no bios due to infertility sitting empty. :(

Thanks guys, Like I said I totally understand wanting to keep birth order and all....but I felt like the people with bios weren't made to feel guilty for not wanting an older child...but those with IF were. Foster-to-adopt is a huge leap of faith for us as it is...it is so hard for us to put ourselves us there with all the failed pregnancies and having to terminate the last pregnancy so late. It seemed/seems like the agency is going to place a baby with a couple that has a 4 and 7 year old (bios)...but we're being told that unless we adjust our profile we will be old and grey before we see a baby/toddler. The RAD issue iside, we feel like we have been cheated out of so much already. Our first US were we saw the baby move and heard the heartbeat - we also saw that his inside were hanging outside. And later appts showed a defect in the heart, then a defect in the spine, and a misshappen head - so with all our other losses being so early and then this - we never had a single moment of pregnancy joy. We'll never get a shower, send out birth announcements, see our baby sit up for the first time , etc.... We were ok with a toddler - had already "given up" on the baby stuff (adopted or bio). But then when they started with the much older kids, it was heartbreaking. (and yes, I know I know fostering is about the children not us) but still....we felt like asking for the first day of school, kindgarten graduation, tooth fairy, santa, learning to ride a bike, etc wasn't asking for TOO much. I mean people with bios already got all that stuff at least once... Sorry if I'm hjk'ing this thread. My heart really goes out to those who have or are considering disruption. Two good things came out of our last pregnancy - my husband and I became even closer and I realized that you never know what someone else has been through or is going through, or what you might do in their same shoes. We were really beaten up over terminating our pregnancy, I know we did the right thing and that I'd do the same again. But wow, the people who made our life a living hell over our termination (of a baby which had no chance of survival past a few hours/days)........

Princess: I'm sooo sorry you've been through the saddness you've experienced in your life. (((HUGS)))) I want to stress something here though.......don't feel badly because you wanted (or still want) a baby. There's nothing wrong with this---in fact, I'll go so far as to say that you really shouldn't be adopting an older child (even a toddler) if you really, in your heart, want to have the 'firsts' with a baby. And, who wouldn't want to have the firsts with their baby????? For most, this is pretty normal and you have every right to want this!!!!!! ((More hugs))) I would continue to encourage you to pursue baby adoption. If this is in your heart, IMO, it's bound to cause, at least some disappointment if you were to choose to adopt any child that's older, KWIM? If you're hesitant to continue a search for baby adoption....please reconsider. Don't give up and don't settle for anything else but what's in your heart! There are lots of stories of people who thought they'd not ever be able to adopt, or realize their dreams of more children, but one day had their baby in their arms!!! My best to you...... Sincerely, Linny