Open adoption in reverse?

Hugs! Baby showers have been about the worst thing I have ever dealt with as it is, add in your siltuation and I know I, personally, could not have done it. I agree, don't let yourself be made the baby sitter.

I'm shocked that you had the strength to get through that. As much as it would appease you to know she is healthy...I think you need to take time to heal. DO NOT let her take advantage of you like she (IMO only) might be or might do in the future. I would create some space there and focus on YOU. YOU need to grieve the loss of YOUR baby (even though it was just YOURS for thse few days). I hope this helps.... Natalie

I, unlike the others, do not see this lady trying to take advantage of you, rather, I see her as offering this contact thinking it will help you with your pain of losing the baby. After all, this is what she would have wanted from an open adoption, in her mind, why would you not want the same? You need to be honest if this is too hard for you, but please do not assume the worst intentions for her offering it.

Since my post was already so long, I didn't get into this, but it did occur to me that she reached out (at least in part) because she knew that she would need a break sometimes. Her original reason for placing was that she already had a 1-1/2 and 2-1/2 year old, and didn't think she could raise a new baby at the same time. So I imagine she views this as a win-win situation (I get to see the baby, she gets to parent the baby and have a break sometimes). My initial thought was- that's fine! I don't want the baby to suffer from the inattention or frustration of a mom who's at her wit's end. And I miss her immensely. If I can get to see her sometimes AND offer some relief to T, maybe we CAN all win. I guess, although I imagined it would be hard to leave her at the end of a visit, I never imagined how hard the actual visit itself would be. As I read posts by birthmoms 1, 5, 20 even 40 years after relinquishment, and I hear the lingering pain in their posts, I wonder if I am up for a lifetime of reopening wounds. I am all for open adoption, because it gives the child the opportunity to know where she's come from and where she may go (health, looks, personality-wise, etc.). To me, that is worth the pain. I'm not sure this is, especially if it never lessens. Of course, it's not like I was anywhere near pain-free before I had the chance to see her, either. I don't know that I'm up for a lifetime of never seeing her again, either. So instead of win-win, I feel caught in more of a lose-lose situation. I also feel an urgency to my decision. I don't want to create a situation where T cuts me off from contact because I seem flaky or unresponsive. My therapist urges me to take my time and decide for myself what type of relationship I want to have. That's what I'm trying to do. . . but I just don't know what it is! Thanks for letting me ramble. Char

Actually, she was afraid of too much openness (thinking it might be too painful). She originally agreed to letters and pictures, only because the agency pushed her hard. I let her know (and they let her know) that I was open to visits, and she finally decided at the hospital that she would be open to 2 visits a year. When she invited me to the shower, she told me she would understand if I thought it would be too hard. I don't think her motives are bad, but it doesn't really matter. For me, there's pain either way.

Char- I am so sorry you are going thru this. I can't pretend to know exactly how you feel. We have a very similar situation. I was reading your post last night and thought wow sounds like us. Our story goes like this. We had a family member come to us at 10 weeks pregnant and ask if we would be interested in adopting her baby. This was her number 5. The last three are 3 kids under 2 1/2. After thinking about it for a while(we weren't planning on adopting at that time) we said yes. We had no reason to believe she would change her mind. She was very clear on her plan. The day "L" was born she changed her mind. We totally understood her decision. The way everything went down was horrible. I too had cried a lot durning that time. We have three children who also had to go thru the grieving process. A long story there. Five months after L was born she came back to us. She had changed her mind about parenting and would we take L. This time we said no. Most of our friends don't even know about that. We just felt at that time her other children had bonded with L. I just thought it would be too hard on the children. They saw her as their sister(the way it should be).THere were someother reasons as well. We ended up having L for visits. Sometimes for a week at a time. I have to tell you it was really hard sometimes. The last time we had L Hubby said do you ever think L could have been our child? I try not to think about that. They have now moved out of state. We don't get to see them anymore. I have to be honest,I wouldn't take L for visits if it wasn't for the fact we are family. I don't want L to ever know Mom was going to place. JMO. I want the very best life for L even if it isn't with us. KWIM? L is now three so we have been dealing with this for a while. I have photos of L in our house and it doesn't hurt as much anymore. I think you have to find what works best for you. What makes you hurt less. I hope some day you find peace.

Char - I just don't think I would be able to see this child until I was fully healed (if that is possible). There IS a difference between you and if you were a bmom with visits. YOU are not that child's mother, and have no connection anymore (except for those heartbreaking days, I don't mean this as rude). A bmom in open adoption will ALWAYS be the child's mother (that connection could not be broken), gave birth to the child, spent 9 months with the child....does that make sense? I guess what I'm saying is you are not obligated to do anything (unless you want to of course, but I think you know this). But if you DO want to, I would tell her that you want to see the child WITH HER there. That way she is there to "take care of the child" and you can spend time having fun with her, more like a grandparent or aunt situation than a "Babysitter" per say. IMO, she shouldn't be dumping her baby on you for a whole weekend (or anyone when the baby is that young) anyways.... I hope this helps..I mean none of it rudely or bluntly...I'm just worried you feel "obligated" in some way... Natalie

Thank you for sharing your story. What a difficult ordeal this must have been for you. I can only imagine that the additional factors of the impact on your children, and the fact that she is a family member made things even more complicated. When you say that you would not have done the visits if L weren't family, is that only because you don't want her to know Mom considered placing? I ask because I think that T plans to only tell the baby that I am her godmother, and leave it at that. Also, you said that the visits were hard sometimes. Did they get better over time? Sorry if I'm being too intrusive. . . I just didn't think I'd actually come close to running across someone who experienced a similar situation!Thanks,Char

I don't mean to compare myself exactly to a birthmom, because of course I have no biological connection to her-- it was just the closest analogy I could find. I would disagree with the notion that I have no connection anymore. Once I loved her as my daughter, I simply loved her. Her entire life flashed before me, and I loved every moment of it. My love hasn't diminished with her being gone. It grows every day, as if she were still here. My big fear in maintaining contact is not that I'll be asked to do things that only a mother should have to do, but that I'll WANT to do those things, because I can't stop feeling like I am her mother too. I guess that's the part I need to work on first. Char

Char, My gosh. I have never heard of a situation like this, and I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you are struggling with this issue. I honestly don't know what the "right" thing for you is. I guess the only "analogy" I can make is that I always worry that my DD' s birth parents some day may want to "close" contact (I don't know why I fear this, I have no reason to think this except that their families do not know that they had DD or that she was adopted, and I worry that the cat will "be out of the bag" if we continue visits because they have a daughter who will be 4 years old next time we visit....will they tell her that DD is her birth sister, etc. and "risk" having her say something to other family members, etc.). Anyway, my point is that once there is an open relationship, I think you would have to be committed to it staying open essentially for life. That may be great or it may be hard. I know there is no "replacing" one child with another, but will you want to be in this relationship when you have another child (I assume you are still planning to adopt)? Anyway, I hope that you come to a decision that is best for you and for this little girl. Take good care of yourself. Karen

Char I've experienced a similiar situation like this several times. First time I had fostered this baby girl from the time she was 4 months-11months. She was our first foster baby and it was likley she would come up for adoption. Her reasons fro coming into care were horrific. Anyways it turned out she was placed with her great grantmother but her mother the abuser was still pretty much her care-taker. I had mixed feelings when she went home, but I tried to be happy that she could remain with her bio-family and her culture(she was black we were white). Her family offered to have us babysit everynow and then or take her for a weekend. I was so excited at first that she would allow me to still be in her life. But 2 weeks after she was placed back with them they came over to visit us and I saw things that were not easy to see....it was too hard for ME to see MY baby being raised by the young teen mom who had abused her so badly. Then she started talking about me maybe watching her everyday while she was at work or maybe keeping her for the weekends(like every weekend). It was then that I had to just say no ...to everything. I couldn't have MY baby in MY home every day or every weekend yet not be her Mom. I also felt like they would be taking advantage of me and my love for their child. I just didn't think it was healthy for the child, me or the family. Plus, I felt if they got her back than they should have to take care of her....and not depend on me. Another time was an infant we got that we were told was coming up for adoption then 2 months later we get a call right after court that she was going hom and they were on their way to pick her up. I was so upset and hurt and angry and fearful of what her life would be like given the parents history. I barely got a chance to say goodbye to her and my husband didn't even get to find out she left until after the fact. We asked if we could meet with them in a couple weeks to give them some pictures that we needed to develope and for my husband to get a chance to say goodbye to her. they agrees, but when we went to see her I felt even worse about the situation. I had hoped seeing her with her family would help me realize God has a purpose and plan and that this wa her plan but it didn't it only made me more upset and angry and made me mourn her loss so much more. I knew I could never see her again....unless she came back into fostercare and I could be her mother again. I've kept track of her these last couple years asking the social worker how she is doing and I keep hearing horrible things and how there is no doubt she will be back in fostercare at some point in time. It's just awful to think of the life she is having and how we could have provided so much better for her. Another case is with a little girl we had for a few months when she was 9-12 months. The case was not looking so good and the only one who could get custody of her was her grandmother but her grandmother wasn't sure what she was going to do. She saw how strongly her grandbaby was bonded to us and she was already raising her other grandson and didn't want to raise another grand baby. Well, it turned out she did take custody of her. Then just a few months ago my daughter happened to be on the same team as this grandma and her grandson were on. We'd see each other and talk 3 times a week for several weeks. She no longer had the baby girl we had fostered. She had her for about a year and then her birthmom got her act together and was able to get her back. So her mother abnd our sweet little girl would come to the games and some of the practices as well. I can not tell you how hard it was for me to see MY little girl. She was 2 years older than when I had last seen her but she looked the same. I was happy her mother was able to get her back but it was so hard to watch her and think "what might have been". To think "this sweet little girl should have been my daughter,a sister to my children" It was obvious she was being taken care of so I was happy about that. But it was just toooooo difficult to see MY baby growing up and living a completely different life than what she would have lived with us. It hurt to much. They offered to get together and stuff but I never followed through I just didn't see how I could remain in her life without feeling those feelings of that being MY daughter. There have been other experineces similiar that I have had...but I won't bore you with anymore. I just shared so you can see that it IS very difficult to remain a part of a childs life that you once parented and still long to parent but can't. I personally don't see how the pain would ever go away. Because yes, while I was happy she was with her mom and bio-family.....the pain will always still be there of "that's MY baby." I can only imagine just a small portion of what a birthmother in an open adoption must go through and really I don't see how her or her family could ever make it through an open adoption. It must be so incredibly painful. Then again as anopther poster kinda pointed out. It's like they are given rights to feel that love for that child forever. They are validated in their feelings. Yet for us foster or adopt moms, it's like since we don't have any bio-connection to the children we are just supposed to let them go and never think about them anymore. I don't believe that. I believe that EVERY child that came into my home even for a day.....IS my child and will always be MY child. That doesn't mean that they don't have another mother out there. But that child will remain in my heart and in my family forever wether they remember or not. I know in my heart that when we are all in heaven we will be re-united and I will give them a big hug and they will KNOW just how much I truly loved them and how much I had always carried them around in my heart and as members of our family.

Ooooooh, this sounds like a very sticky situation and (I hate to say) not.a.very.good.idea. The offer's been made, so really it's up to you to decide if you *do* want a role in her life. Right now it doesn't sound like you are in a place where that would feel comfortable. You mentioned that she looks "healthy and beautiful" and that is great, I'm glad she is being taken care of, and I certainly support any mother's rights to bring her child back home within the time limit. But what if........first of all, the "weekend shopping trip" thing kind of frays my nerves a little bit. That's a pretty big luxury, and I'm assuming the baby is pretty small still. I'm not saying all new parents don't deserve some time to themselves and NEED a break (they do, I think every single parent probably needs a break now and then so as not to go a little bit nuts with the full-time job of parenting). But I just can't imagine imposing something like that on ANY of my friends or family, ESPECIALLY with a small infant. I have a very exceptional daughter (as I'm sure most parents feel about theirs-lol), but when she was very small, I became a single mom to her and her older brother (their dad left when she was about 2 months old, and although he helped *some*, I was for all intents and purposes mostly parenting on my own). My daughter, for whatever reason, has *always* attracted "mentors", older women who just see something in her that they love (as do I-she is just such an attractive child, spiritually, personality-wise, she's just wonderful and such a crack-up). This week her new Kindergarten teacher told me after 3 days of teaching that she just felt like she had known dd for lifetimes, that she was so thrilled to have her. When she was in daycare when she was little, two particular women who had her in their classes just couldn't get enough of her. They knew I was a single mom and practically *fought* with each other, because they would each offer to take her for a night, on a couple of occassions the entire weekend. I felt like I had won the lottery, not only because they cared about her so much, but because it gave me a chance to have a break where I really didn't have family and friends that I would impose myself and my child on like that. My point is, I never had to *ask* them, they *offered*, and occassionally I took them up on it. In *YOUR* case, you haven't offered......this is being asked of you, and I don't know how fair that is to any of you at the moment. For one thing, you mentioned " They just weren't the same kids they would be if they were raised in my family. " What if this gets to the point where you are feeling really resentful towards her about parenting choices she's making? I think there are a lot of different parenting styles out there, none better or worse than any other, but certainly different and a lot of people feel very strongly about their own parenting style. What if it gets to the point where you really strongly feel like she she be with you and not her mother? What if her mom leaves her on so many occassions that you start to think she should have just *been* there with you in the first place, full-time, and that the *mom* should be the one visiting, not you? I'm not saying this WILL happen, and I'm not trying to desparage the mom at ALL by wondering this (I'm glad she's parenting her child), but what IF? In all reality, and I really hate to even wonder aloud the possibility......this has potential to become a REALLY messy legal situation depending on how often she leaves her child with you. In my state, ANYONE can file an adoption petition for ANY child. The obvious here, is that if it's totally unreasonable, the judge would dismiss the petition right away and leave custody with the parents. But what becomes a really hazy shade of grey is, that in an adoption petition they can consider "third-party caretakers", "bonds children have formed with third-parties", and presumption of parenthood can be overcome by a showing that a parent doesn't show the general sympathy toward a child that they should. Now, the laws vary in every state, I have no idea what yours are. But what if you find yourself caring for this child as much as her mother, and decide to take legal action? What if signs of abuse or neglect begin to pop up, like any reasonable citizen you'd probably feel inclined to call CPS if that DID happen. It probably WON'T, because it sounds like she's doing a good job of parenting her other children. But what if it did? What kind of situation would that child then be in, and you, and her mom? Also.......I didn't notice if you have any other children, but *she* does. Her kids are young enough that they may not even understand fully what has taken place, or that their sister was about to be adopted out. But at some point they might realize this, kids pick up on so much stuff. They might wonder who this lady is that their little sister always goes to see, if they "get a clue" they might clue her in in a few years that *you* were the woman who was going to adopt her. How will that make her feel? I don't know, there's no way of predicting that. She'll probably feel glad that she's with her mom, but she may also wonder WHY her mom is constantly leaving her in your care. The again, it might NOT turn out like that, who knows? These are just some of the things that come to mind, I hope they make sense. The bottom line is, you have the power to say yes or no, and I think you should go with your heart, even if that seems like the most painful thing to do. If you can't do it now, but maybe want to later, then I don't see any reason why you couldn't take a break for yourself, and let her know you need some time. I do hear this in open adoption, how many aparents feel like the "babysitter" (I don't always think that's a fair assessment in every case-I think some aparents just want to never have to deal with thinking about the fact that a child was actually born to someone else-but that's a different story for a different thread), but I can't imagine any reason on this earth why ANY person, whether they had ties once in an "adoption" or not, would want to feel taken advantage of, and like an unpaid babysitter, it doesn't seem right. I am a very generous person, and I have reached out to many single mothers offering to help at little or no fee before (because I have felt so lucky to have the people in my life I have had to get me through the tough times). You're darn right, if a woman called me in tears, saying she didn't have anywhere to take her child, didn't have any money to pay, and HAD to get to work, I'd say, "Bring em on over!" But if a woman who is perfectly capable called me and said, "Gosh, I don't have any money to pay you, but my hubby and I are going to the beach for a long weekend, can you watch the kids?" I'd be livid. Uh.......no. I mean, honestly if it were a single mom and she was going out of her head with an infant and was in tears and needed a break, I'd probably say yes, even if she wasn't going to work. But to say, "Hey, I'm going on a shopping excursion, wanna watch the baby?" It seems rather insensitive and heartless. KWIM? But it really depends on *you*, your boundaries, and your comfort level in involving yourself in this. If you were totally comfortable with being the "mentor", "godmother", and it didn't bother you at all, you were just happy to be there for her where you could, then I'd say go for it. But right NOW, it doesn't sound like that's the case.So do what you must to protect YOU and your heart. Her mom has chosen to parent, and that's great. But that also means that it is NOT your responsibility to watch out for this little girl's heart, life, sould, mind, body IF YOU DON'T WANT TO, or can't for *whatever* reason. Good Luck.:grouphug:

char- you aren't being intrusive at all. I was surprised other people have been thru this. When we were going thru this I thought we were the only ones. The main reason I wouldn't have taken L for visits(if we weren't family) was I didn't want L to know how I know her Mom. KWIM? It was hard at first to see L as a baby. We started thinking about the what ifs. It did get easier for us. But like I said we are in the same family.We have to make it work. I really don't know if I could have done that if we weren't family. We have been ok with everything until recently. We found out just before they moved the Mom is having #6!!!! She is going thru a custody battle with two of the fathers. Not L's dad. I just started thinking the what ifs again. I would rather not know some of this stuff, to be honest with you. But like I said you have to do what is right for you. What might work for you,might not work for me. Or vice versa.

This woman is not a birthmother, she is a mother.

Mom2GRLC- there's so much in your post that spoke to me. . . This is what I'm afraid of. I would love to have her here, for any amount of time. I just don't know how to stop wanting to be her mom. I struggle with this as well. Is it really taking advantage if I get the benefit of spending time with her? Also, even if I feel angry about being taking advantage of, if it benefits the baby, shouldn't I be able to put that resentment aside? I don't know what's God's purpose was in this, although I was able to see how much her whole family loves each other. That should have been reassuring, but it wasn't. Seeing the family together just made the whole thing more real, and more crushing. I'm afraid as well that I'll never be able to get past seeing her as my daughter, and never be able to just love the little girl she is and will become (instead of the little girl who "should have been.") Does that make sense? How do I integrate the two? That too is a big part of my grief. I need to know that I have some meaning in her life. That's why I jumped at the idea of being a godmother-- I had a title, a role. I feel like, when I gave her back, it was because I didn't have a choice. I'm given a second chance now to have some ongoing connection to her life. It's a chance I've prayed for. How can I say no?